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Susan Boyle

Britain’s Got Talent Pt 1: Britain’s Got 4,000 Urban Dance Groups

Britain’s Got Talent on Saturday began to tell us which 40 acts were to perform again for the public vote. And you’ll never guess which Oprah-loving, Obama-hating, probably metal bar-bending Sottish singer made it. Give yourself ten points and a furtive crotch massage if you guessed Susan Boyle, she of The Voice, The Modesty and [...]

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Britain’s Got Talent: Susan Boyle To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

And now, thanks to yet another woeful miscalculation, our look at Britain’s Got Talent draws to an end a week earlier than it should. Because of this, next week we’ll be looking at the contenders to be the next female host of This Morning, which is just wonderful. But anyway, you know the deal by [...]

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Sashay Offstage, Barbie: Susan Boyle Doll Has Made You Obsolete

by Paul Gibson

Parents, got a child’s birthday coming up? It’s a girl? She wants a dolly? Why, a crazy little American lady has the perfect gift. We foresaw many merchandising opportunities for Susan Boyle. The pattern from her audition dress coming to dominate the Indian restaurant wallpaper market, for example. Fancy dress parties everywhere flooded with blokes [...]

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Susan Boyle On Oprah: Loving Her 13 Remaining Seconds Of Fame

by Stuart Heritage

This is the big time for Susan Boyle. She’s appeared on Oprah Winfrey. Do you know how famous this makes her?

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Susan Boyle Would Rather Do Oprah Than Obama

by Paul Gibson

We apologise to sensitive readers, who may have brought a little bit of acid up when reading that headline.

It’s true, though. It’s been revealed that the beefy Caledonian lady has turned down an invitation to attend a White House party thrown by the new President, while accepting an offer from Oprah Winfrey to appear on her show, alongside Simon Cowell. We’re guessing they’ll be discussing the merits of underwiring in bras, or something.

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What’s That? Britain’s Got Even More Mediocre Talent?

by Paul Gibson

Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain’s Got Talent judges.

We’ve had Shaheen Jafargholi (‘OMG, what a cutey!’) and Susan Boyle (‘WTF, that’s a woman? You sure it’s not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?’). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain’s Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It’s another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and… er,Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy.

We should rephrase that.

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Susan Boyle Gets A Donk Put On Her Arse

by Matthew Laidlow

Don’t know what a donk is? If you’ve never come across one before then you may be set for an experience which is actually worse than chipping your own teeth out with a screwdriver.

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