This is the big time for Susan Boyle. She’s appeared on Oprah Winfrey. Do you know how famous this makes her?

Susan Boyle is now as famous as that other memorable Oprah guest – the bloke who barbecued some stuff for a couple a minutes a while ago. We forget his name. But anyway, the main thing was that Susan Boyle told Oprah Winfrey how much she enjoys her new-found fame.

Incidentally, Susan Boyle’s interview was subtitled. Not because Oprah’s viewers wouldn’t understand her impenetrable accent, you understand, but because producers wanted to distract everyone from her bizarre werewolfy face.

According to listings, yesterday’s edition of Oprah was a one-off called The World’s Got Talent, but we’re convinced otherwise. Just a few days ago, Oprah persuaded Kirstie Alley to drag her gigantic doughy behind onto the show – possibly with a Hansel & Gretel-style trail of full roast dinners leading from Kirstie’s home to the studio – and now here’s Susan Boyle. The World’s Got Talent? The World’s One Set Of Dancing Cojoined Twins Away From Being A Legitimate Victorian Freakshow is probably be more accurate.

But let’s stick to the subject. Since Oprah Winfrey decided to call yesterday’s episode The World’s Got Talent, she obviously wanted to find the world’s most talented people to appear on it. But sadly the scientists responsible for the pioneering research into fusion power weren’t available, so she booked that pubey midget from Britain’s Got Talent who can sing bad songs in mediocre ways instead.

By which we mean Susan Boyle. The Oprah appearance was just another bewildering example of how famous Susan Boyle has become since her Britain’s Got Talent audition transformed her into a YouTube sensation. She’s appearing on TV shows! She’s turning down presidents! She’s given herself a makeover to stop her looking so much like a Windows 95 clipart of a dumpy caveman!

However, the Oprah interview did give Susan Boyle the perfect opportunity to flesh her persona out for people who only know her as the barely-human Stig Of The Dump showtune lady from the internet. True, her interview was subtitled so, if anything, people now think that she’s funny-looking and unable to form basic words correctly, but whatever. Here’s what Susan Boyle told Oprah:

“It’s like a dream come true. It all takes a bit of time to take in. Things have happened so quickly. I get recognised in the street. I get asked for autographs. … I’ve been getting quite a few letters and quite a few cards from all over the globe.”

However, just because she’s famous enough to appear on Oprah, Susan Boyle knows that she might not win Britain’s Got Talent. After all, she faces stiff competition from the likes of Creepy Child and Ugly Man and, at the last count, roughly 6,000 utterly identical street dance troupes, so it’s not quite in the bag yet.

But, regardless of what happens on Britain’s Got Talent, at least Susan Boyle knows that she’s a superstar. A fully-fledged superstar who’ll be around forever. Or at least until someone posts a funny video of a cat dressed up as a policeman on YouTube and everyone gets distracted and forgets that Susan Boyle ever existed. Whichever comes first.

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