Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed.

The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking that though, what with the recent fad for celebrity separations garnering copious column inches in the run up to Christmas.

When you think about it, that’s just plain depressing.

According to the front page of the Star, which is all anyone can really stomach reading, the police had to be called after Holmes had some sort of nuclear apocalypse style meltdown and that she’s now resting up at home with Mummy and Daddy Holmes. But not just any Daddy Holmes, no, DIVORCE LAWYER DADDY HOLMES, who sounds like a third rate WWE wrestler from the mid-90s.

Naturally Holmes and Cruise’s people are denying the rumours, saying that the report is a work of pure fiction and that the couple are just living separate lives.

However, as all good conspiracy theorists will tell you, the media is crawling with Scientologists trying to prevent you from learning the truth.

In fact, most of the hecklerspray team is comprised of Scientologists and Lizard People, attempting to distract you while our brethren slowly take over the world by making atrocious films and discrediting David Icke.

It is probably worth pointing out that the Star has run this accusation of the Tomkat phenomenon blowing up around us alongside stories of Johnny Depp flirting with 19 year olds and Ashton Kutcher getting caught up in a murder scandal.

So it is quite clearly a load of bollocks, unless the Star happens to have some of the best journalists in the world who have all managed to unearth groundbreaking stories on the same week. But really, how likely is that?

No, it looks like Katie Holmes is still shackled to her husband and his midichlorians, thetans and STD sound-a-like life forces, all the time staring at that e-meter in the corner, wondering if it truly captures the extent of her feelings.

What would Xenu do?

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Tom Cruise has denied that he’s nightly bathing in the blood of virginal $cientology converts, in order to stave off the ravages of age. That’s probably a wise denial, if ever we heard one.

Tom turned 48 years old on July 3rd. As is customary at this time of year, a painting in his attic gains a new wrinkle while the actor ages about one month out of the last 12.

Rather than admit to his fairly obvious Benjamin Button-style witchery, Tom claims that his four-year-old daughter is the key to him staying young. Yeah. Admitting to feeding off the soul of your child is much better than just admitting to anything else nefarious. Well played, Tom. Well played.

There are a couple of things that seem off here. Not least because this is only one of the ways in which he’s favouring his biological daughter over his two adopted children; many forget he has two older adopted children – Connor, 15, and Isabella, 17. However, Suri is pretty obviously his favourite – as demonstrated by his feeding off her soul and not those of his teenagers.

From Bild, as translated by People magazine:

Age is only a number – especially as far as Tom Cruise is concerned. Last month, the actor turned 48, but the father of three admits to having a secret for staying young.  “I love all my children, but Suri is my fountain of youth,” Cruise tells the German magazine Bild about his 4-year-old daughter with his adoring wife Katie Holmes. “We jump on the trampoline together.”

Sure, Tom. You love them equally. That’s why Suri and you will live forever, like the paler members of the True Blood cast, and the adopted kids/ wife/ ex-wife/ whoever else will succumb to the ageing process.

In related news, did you know that little Suri’s powers extend to mind control? Not only is she the human elixir of life, she can also control her mother with the precision of a puppet master. Either that or Katie Holmes just plain has no discernible mind of her own. More likely the latter, now that we think about it.

From NY Magazine, with whom Katie did a cover story:

[Suri] says, “I want this sleeve cut,” and it’s like, “Okay, we’ll cut it.” She picks out all of her own clothes and has since she was 1½. Tom and I went to the Met ball a couple of years ago, and I had this beautiful red gown and these royal-blue shoes that I wasn’t planning on wearing, but Suri made me put them on and so I was like, “Okay, I trust you.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that

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Run, Katie Holmes! Run as if Dawson’s massive forehead were behind you! You’re so close to freedom!

For the first time in what seems like an ice age, Katie has escaped the clutches of everybody’s favourite evil Nazi, Tom Cruise. Scampering away to New York City with daughter Suri in tow, Holmes was free to roam as she saw fit, without the watchful eye of the Cruiser looking over her shoulder.

The official story behind her visit to NYC is that Katie Holmes is about to star in the Broadway production of Arthur Miller‘s All My Sons – but we know better. It’s an escape ploy from Katie – she’s clearly running back to the Creek: the one place she can feel truly safe from Maverick and his Scientology cronies.

Katie’s plan to flee from her Cruise-shaped captor had seen only two distinct steps: first she got the role in the aforementioned play, then she landed herself a cameo in some TV show that no one knows anything about.

By disguising herself to look like some kind of pixie-boy and finally escaping via helicopter to New York, Katie has enacted steps three and four of the epic plan of escape – sure to leave even someone with the keen magical senses of Tom Cruise (though he still can’t keep pizzas warm – the berk!) befuddled as to where she could have gone.

Though, to be fair, he will know where she is, as she’ll have set times to appear on stage. Hmm. Should have thought this through more carefully, Katie. And that’s not even taking into account the legions of Scientology spies that exist through the world – we all saw the Panorama documentary on it, we all know they exist.

But in what could well be the ultimate show of defiance in the face of her husband and his thetan chums, Katie decided against attending The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 39th Anniversary Gala – surely a massive slap in the face of the religion? And to make matters worse, what did she do instead of attending the annual shebang?

Katie Holmes took her daughter to see The Little Mermaid and Mary Poppins. That’s some textbook defiance right there.

Unfortunately it does look like Katie isn’t actually trying to escape any clutches – evil or otherwise – and is instead simply in another part of America to her husband. While we do like to both wildly speculate whilst at the same time encourage the poor girl to leg it as fast as she can, we can’t provide any actual facts backing up the claims that she is, in fact, doing a runner.

And, of course, you can prove anything with facts (copyright Stewart Lee).

We can, however, continue to encourage Katie Holmes to escape the clammy embrace of Tom Cruise and Scientology for her own good. Maybe then she’d get some life back into her eyes.

You know – those things on her face that look so, so dead.

Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they'll probably get angry – look at Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.

Although there's so much to mock Tom Cruise for – his tiny height, his weird sincerity, his constant whooping, Lions For Lambs – people return again and again to Scientology as a stick to beat him with and, since his only defenders are Will Smith and David Beckham, it has to be a lonely place for him to be. 

The problem with Scientology is that it's so secretive – whereby in Christianity children are taught from an early age that the world was made when an all-powerful fairy invented everything and that his hippy son embarked on a short-lived apprenticeship once, Scientologists have to earn their knowledge. And it's that sort of secrecy which has allowed Andrew Morton's recently-published book Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography to cause such a stir.

Playing on the public's long-held suspicions about Tom Cruise – that nobody could be that intensely oversincere all the time and be remotely normal – Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography features interviews with old neighbours and friends and narked-off former Scientologists to paint a picture of Tom Cruise complete with all sorts of outlandish remarks that have got Cruise's lawyer coiled like a snake.

In particular, there's a line in the Tom Cruise biography that hints at claims that Tom's daughter Suri Cruise was created using Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's dead sperm:

"Some sect members believed that Katie Holmes was carrying the baby who would be the vessel for L. Ron Hubbard's spirit when he returned around the galaxy."

And that, along with claims that Tom Cruise is the Scientologist second in command, has caused Cruise's lawyer Bert Fields to speak out. He said:

"His book is a rehash of tired old lies about Tom and his religion, some new grotesque lies, like the sick comparison of his child to 'Rosemary's Baby' and the nutty assertion that he's the No 2 head of the Church of Scientology. He (Morton) has made a number of claims that are false and demonstrably so. Clearly the book is actionable, but I'm not commenting on anything to do with legal issues."

Of course, we're almost completely certain that Tom Cruise didn't stuff Katie Holmes full of L Ron Hubbard's sperm. Just look at Suri Cruise – she looks so much like Tom Cruise that we keep half expecting her to leap around on a sofa whooping like an air raid siren any minute now.

Plus, Suri Cruise can't be made of L Ron Hubbard's sperm, because as far as we know we're the only ones who own a canister of it. Where else did you think we got that idea for pesto seasoning idea from? Seriously, you haven't lived until you've tried our sour cream, pesto and dead old man's dried-up jizz dip, you really haven't.

Read more:

Cruise biography branded 'sick' – ITN