On the set of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, Tom Cruise thought he’d go and do a nice thing for Simon Pegg – talk to him like he knew who he was. And what did they talk about? What any celebrity would talk about of course!
Soiled undercrackers!
That’s right. Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg talked about nappies, teaming with faecal matter while playing make-believe like big, hairy and very stupid children. Meanwhile, everyone else presumably looked on wondering if Cruise was trying to recruit someone for Scientology because he’s bang into that alien guff isn’t he?
Tom Cruise took off as Maverick in Top Gun over 25 years ago and now, in a bid to distract us from his peculiar religious/cult* views, he’s saying that he might be taking to the air again in Top Gun 2.
Obviously, Hollywood is clean out of fresh ideas at the moment.
Cruise is currently promoting his fourth Mission: Impossible film, and he’s told MTV that there’s been discussions with Top Gun director Tony Scott and producer Jerry Bruckheimer about revisiting the film which Quentin Tarantino thinks is about being gay.
The celebrity autobiography is a funny thing. For example, Geri Halliwell has fourteen of them out and Katie Price, a whopping 5,460 biographies written in her best joined-up handwriting. Even Justin Bieber has three biogs out, even though he’s only a matter of weeks old.
And so, the next kid to get a book deal is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri, and she’s only five years old!
Five years old! She can barely wipe her own hoon, let alone manipulate a quill. Still, maybe daddy’s alien friends can give her secret powers to overcome that little obstacle called age?
This is the second week of us throwing open the floodgates of the internet to you people. Seen something exciting, interesting, plain weird or even just funny enough to draw a snort of laughter from Christopher Biggins? Well, give Dep Ed Michael a shout and he’ll put them in here and allow people to bask in your browsing glory.
7. Baseball! Everyone’s heard of it, thanks to Kevin Costner’s awareness-raising film ‘Field Of Dreams’ but what’s it actually all about? Who gives a flying spanner? @_Cabble found this video of the World Series logo flying out of an umpire’s arse. BEAT THAT, CRICKET!
6. You lot really adore kittens, don’t you? Is it their inability to grasp grammar or their cute, fuzzy faces? Who cares. @Janikakakaka sent in some kittens on album covers.
5. In what could be a confession, @jacksonliam sent us this story about a man that wants to spill his filthy man-seed in every Starbucks in New York. That’s 298 Starbucks.
4. @MelReeve told us about badly placed stickers. We can’t help but feel some of these may have been deliberate.
2. Our favourite Republican nuthouse Herman Cain has gone on Jimmy Kimmel Live to say he hasn’t been touching women up. He didn’t. Republicans don’t believe it. It makes them horny.
1. A review of Immortals by @JM_Underwood. To be fair, he didn’t send this to us because that would be massively narcissistic and we don’t encourage that kind of nonsense here. We can’t ever show you it though. Because the film is so laughably terrible, John’s review was removed from the site under the terms of the embargo. Here at hecklerspray, we’re not bound by that embargo so we’d like to say, not only is Immortals a terrible film but we demand justice for John’s review.
From now on, Webthump will be a collection of the best things that you, yes you, the readers have found on the internet. Exciting stuff!
All you have to do to get your name in lights is tweet the best thing you’ve seen on the internet recently at our scumbag deputy ed Michael (@GreatCollapso). It’s as simple as that.
4. David Thorne of 27b/6 just won’t stop tormenting poor ol’ Simon. It’s just like Ricky Gervais & Karl Pilkington. Only funny. (Sent in by @OrlaDoherty)
3. Are you a nob’ead? You might not be, it’s not really any of our business. Still, watch this video. (Much obliged, @CheShA)
2. Number two will forever be dedicated to Herman Cain until the day he either dies or takes over the world. The mad bastard has warned people to keep an eye on China- they might be developing nuclear weapons. (Danke schoen @thermoso)
How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?
No?
How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.
Hey! Katie Holmes is married to slab of prime thetan, Tom Cruise. As you know, they’re both Scientologists, which makes them certifiably mad. Don’t argue. This is just a fact that’s as plain as the nose on your weird alien-believing face.
Of course, mad people have a myriad of odd symptoms and behavioural patterns. One such thing is to marry a man half your height.
Another is being afraid of an absence of light. That’s right! Katie Holmes is scared of the dark and probably screams in terror every time she blinks. That’s because she’s mental. We pointed that out already didn’t we?
Katie Holmes may well be wealthy and successful, but that doesn’t stop the entire world pitying her. For starters, she’s in the unfortunate position of being married to Supreme Thetan, Tom Cruise AND she’s no doubt aware that everyone laughs at her because she’s one of those women who towers over her beau.
And so, to stop us from thinking that she’s a dead-eyed Scientologist with a head filled with quasi-religious gunk, she’s decided to act like One Of The Girls by talking about her knickers.
Because talking about your underpants in public isn’t peculiar at all is it? Nope. Not one bit. UNLESS YOU’RE SOME KIND OF GUSSET OBSESSED NUTTER THAT IS.
Tom Cruise is a Scientlogist. That’s all he is now. He used to be an actor and pin-up, but now he’s just a religious nutter, the same as all the other religious nutters around the world. As such, no-one really trusts him anymore. That’s not stopped people wanting to hire him for films though, as [...]
We’re not ashamed to admit we quite like Rob Lowe. We’ve forgiven him all that St. Elmo’s Fire pretty-boy nonsense now that he’s starting to look agreeably rumpled, he was good at striding down corridors and talking quickly on the West Wing and we’re impressed with his surprisingly good comic timing. And be honest with [...]
On the set of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, Tom Cruise thought he’d go and do a nice thing for Simon Pegg – talk to him like he knew who he was. And what did they talk about? What any celebrity would talk about of course!
