Maybe you're not American, in which case you care less about ‘gridiron’ than you do about what kind of tea the sister of Coldplay?s bassist?s girlfriend drinks.

Or perhaps you are American, but one of those weird 600lb ones, in which case you're unable to produce a molecule of thought which doesn't just consist of the words ?Cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese cookies fries cheese fries cheese fries cheese? in an unending, hypnotic mindchant.

Well you all need to GET interested in gridiron, because each game is now being broadcast with a free porno. Sign us up for ESPN immediately!