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TOWIE’s Jess Wright Is Going To Get All Sexy While You Shudder To Your Very Core

by Michael Park on September 23, 2011 0 Comments

TOWIEApparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press. The excitement is almost too much for us to take.

Oh, look at that. We pulled through.

Of course, one star in need of a pay-cheque from the tat-peddling celeb factory that is TOWIE is Jessica Wright. Speaking to some awful red-top tabloid, the quintessential Essex stereotype told the braying masses what they can expect of her and it appears there might be a few changes.

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Katie Price Loves Harold Shipman & Wrote A Book But She’s Never Said Anything Purely For Publicity’s Sake

by Sophie Hall on July 28, 2011 0 Comments

You really think you have the energy to hear this? Sure about that, are we? Let’s just take this slow, just in case. Let’s not get lodged inside something dark and unyielding and then regret it afterwards (Extract from Antony Costa’s Bedroom Memoirs, 2008) So. Katie Price has written another book.

You should know the drill by now, because of that time you accidently walked into a Newsagents and bought Heat Magazine regularly for two years. Just in case you don’t – here’s the situation we’re facing. After having had some sex with Dane Bowers, Peter Andre, Katie Waissel, and most recently a hired homosexual gentleman – Katie Price’s career as a businesswoman was for some reason being somewhat overlooked. It was then that Katie discovered her greatest talent – ringing someone up and asking them to write a book for her. A great author was born (but that’s not relevant).

Today saw the launch of Katie’s latest literary delight in the shape of ‘The Comeback Girl’. A story about something, or other. Pssh. Bloody pretentious Pulitzer fodder, if you ask us.

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Kaiser Chiefs Ricky Wilson: ‘We Are The New Oasis’. Nobhead?

by Paul Sorrenti on June 1, 2008 11 Comments

Ricky Wilson, AKA King of the Dicks, has declared that his band, Kaiser Chiefs, are ‘the band that most music fans would see as their (Oasis’) successor’.

Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons:

1) It’s obviously bull-shit.

2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky.

3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkeys, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively Messianic assholes.

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Ricky Wilson, AKA King of the Dicks, has declared that his band, Kaiser Chiefs, are ‘the band that most music fans would see as their (Oasis’) successor’. Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons: 1) It’s obviously bull-shit. 2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky. 3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkey’s, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively messianic assholes.

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty on May 9, 2008 6 Comments

The top and the bottom.

Folded:

  • Firing two off The Apprentice (and righty so, though if Alan could hurry up and sack that fat dump truck bird who bitches about everybody that would be fine too)
  • Pjanoo by Pryda (dance like it’s 1992)
  • Mila Kunis (fugly as Meg in Family Guy, lightening bolt stunning as Rachel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
  • Iron Man (what were we expecting? Something better? Perhaps, but it still pushes most of the right buttons until Indy)

Creased:

  • Cadbury’s ‘Trucks’ ad (they look like toys, but they’re actually real vehicles – quick, give us some chocolate now!!!)
  • Face cake (apparently popular in America. Here we just call it cake)
  • Estelle dancing (watch the video with Kanye West, because she really can’t)
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark on BBC1 last week in pan & scan (not even some tiny black bars? It’s not like we don’t all own big TVs now anyway)
  • “Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatever a Spider Pig does” (eight months on and it still isn’t funny)
The top and the bottom. Folded: * The sun (hello old friend) * Firing two off The Apprentice (and righty so, though if Alan could hurry up and sack that fat dump truck bird who bitches about everybody that would be fine too) * Pjanoo by Pryda (dance like it’s 1992) * Mila Kunis (fugly as Meg in Family Guy, lightening bolt stunning as Rachel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall) * Iron Man (what were we expecting? Something better? Perhaps, but it still pushes most of the right buttons until Indy) Creased: * Cadbury’s 'Trucks' ad (they look like toys, but they’re actually real vehicles – quick, give us some chocolate now!!!) * Face cake (apparently popular in America. Here we just call it cake) * Estelle dancing (watch the video with Kanye West, because she really can’t) * Raiders of the Lost Ark on BBC1 last week in pan & scan (not even some tiny black bars? It’s not like we don’t all own big TVs now anyway) * “Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatever a Spider Pig does” (eight months on and it still isn’t funny)