Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
When I woke up today and found out that Chris Cornell, lead singer of Soundgarden, Audioslave, and Temple of the Dog, had died at the young age of 52, I was pretty shocked, and it seemed like the rest of the world was as well.
As the day wore on, we even more tragically learned that Cornell had died of an apparent suicide, hanging himself in his hotel bathroom. You’re lucky you got 3 hilarious blogs out of me yesterday, because this is going to be a real downer.
OH MY OMG! We can barely contain our gawping tedium at the news that the first footage from the final instalment of the Twilight saga has debuted online! It has Robert Pattinson in saying the least romantic thing in the world in it!
However, this film is all about?Bella who is played by Kristen Stewart.
In this stupid installment, Bella becomes a vampire, which of course, means she gets the chance to do something that all actors aspire to do – stare menacingly at a deer. Click over to watch the trailer.
Kristen Stewart has reportedly bought Robert Pattinson a ?50,000 piano as a surprise. Sadly, the surprise didn’t even vaguely register on Rob’s impressively motionless, grey face. Rumour has it he’s so dull, that he hasn’t blinked in over a decade.
OK! magazine report that Kristen (Robert’s on-screen wife in Twilight) marked the couple’s three-year anniversary by splashing her cash on a top-notch piano.
Alas, music itself is said to have been found on a ledge, threatening to kill itself because the tedium of Pattinson’s company was too much to bear.
Tila Tequila (she’s a model and has been on TV y’berk) isn’t a well human. She’s agreed to enter a?rehab for substance abuse, not to mention getting some treatment for psychological issues. Basically, she tried to kill herself.
Killing yourself is pretty lousy, huh?
However, these days, we’re not too bothered when people nearly kill themselves and, in fact, getting annoyed and call them attention-seekers. In fact, we expect them to end their own lives these days. Loads of celebrities have died before their time. Super famous ones too. Why should Tila Tequila be any different?
God, look at you all.
Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.
You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.
When 50 Cent released an album called ‘Get Rich Or Die Tryin”, no-one really suspected that what he actually meant was, at some point, he’d get so bored of being a rapper that he’d just give up living.
We’re not talking about suicide here, rather, just the complete lack of will to stay alive. He’s got rich, now he’s not bothered about breathing anymore.
And 2012 has seen Fiddy talking about just that. He just wants to stop everything. He’s had enough.
Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful. ?
Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?
Oh, quiet down at the front?? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with?incessant?mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.
If anybody tells you that car boot sales and charity shops are pointless, they clearly don't know what they're talking about. Nothing beats the wonders of rummaging through boxes on a cold early morning with a ropey ?1 polystyrene cup of tea whilst searching for hidden gems.
The high street charity shop is a haven for those sourcing everything from old records to a piece of clothing that would sell for bucket loads in a vintage boutique. Granted, someone might have died in the blazer you're donning for a night out, but a few washes and squirt of Lynx Africa will cover that death musk.
Whilst second hand goods of the common man and woman change hands for a handful of pounds, the rules change when famous people are involved. One particular auction has been on the cards for ages with Michael Jackson extremists squealing in their droves as they get the chance to own items that they probably already have.
They say that everyone deserves a second chance to learn from their mistakes. Or if you happen to have an ounce of intelligence, not copying the moves of those that led to their downfall.
One of the greatest examples of cocking-up a childhood comes from no-other than the Jackson family. Whilst we were left marvelled and amazed at the family’s dance moves, they were secretly hurting inside thanks to regular whippings from father Joe. Missing out on childhood clearly affected Michael, so you'd assume that his three children would be ushered away from showbiz? Oh, how wrong you'd be.
Thankfully, Paris looks like she's decided to venture away from singing and head towards Hollywood. Yep! She’s going to be in a film! Good thing the movie industry hasn’t got a record of dark deeds and conspiracy, eh?
So, you and your stupid family are thinking about having a nice day out together. You don’t want to. You’d rather sit in and watch TV. However, some nagging guilt tells you there’s a world outside, so you make the gesture to others in a bid to make you look like you give a hoot about them.
So where do you go? A theme park? A wildlife sanctuary? A stroll around a vast meadow? A place of historical significance? Banger racing?
OF COURSE NOT YOU BLITHERING RAT BRAIN! There’s only one place worth going to these days, and that’s Michael Jackson’s death house! That’s right! Now that Jacko’s house has been opened to the public, you can stick your nose into the possessions of the recently deceased! Isn’t that wonderful?
