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Sued

Jessica Simpson Sued for Hurting Millions of Fatties

by hecklerspray staff

Did you wake up this morning feeling hurt? If you did then you’re probably fat.

Hey, don’t through that half-eaten Twinkie at us – those things hurt when they’re stale – it’s Jessica Simpson that’s to blame. She’s hurting fat people everywhere. Millions of them, in fact. At least, that’s what the company that is suing her over an unreleased fitness video is saying. The good news for hurt fat people is that you can stop blaming your slow metabolism, glandular problem, or your genetics and start blaming Jessica Simpson.

Try it. We like it.

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Co-Writer Sues Mel Gibson For Jesus

by Shawn Lindseth

You know how in the end of The Passion Of The Christ, Jesus resurrected and ascended into heaven? Well that was Benedict Fitzgerald’s brilliant plot-twist idea – and now Mel Gibson won’t even pay him for it.

A seasoned vet like Gibson should know you can’t burn bridges like that – what’ll happen in Lethal Weapon 5 when Martin Riggs is in a bad spot, and Gibson needs a writer to think of a way out – like turning water into wine to distract his enemies. Or maybe multiplying fish to help a young blind boy learn math, and then he finds out the blind boy is his enemy’s only son. Or maybe Riggs could learn that before birth he’d been genetically altered to fly by Germans.

We work cheap, Mr. Gibson.

Anyhow, writer Fitzgerald feels like he needs a bigger cut of the Jesus proceeds, and he’s suing Gibson to get it. After all, he sat side by side with Mel for months on end imagining the story up and then telling it to people for the first time ever.

You know how in the end of The Passion Of The Christ, Jesus resurrected and ascended into heaven? Well that was Benedict Fitzgerald's brilliant plot-twist idea - and now Mel Gibson won't even pay him for it. A seasoned vet like Gibson should know you can't burn bridges like that - what'll happen in Lethal Weapon 5 when Martin Riggs is in a bad spot, and Gibson needs a writer to think of a way out - like turning water into wine to distract his enemies. Or maybe multiplying fish to help a young blind boy learn math, and then he finds out the blind boy is his enemy's only son. Or maybe Riggs could learn that before birth he'd been genetically altered to fly by Germans. We work cheap, Mr. Gibson. Anyhow, writer Fitzgerald feels like he needs a bigger cut of the Jesus proceeds, and he's suing Gibson to get it. After all, he sat side by side with Mel for months on end imagining the story up and then telling it to people for the first time ever.
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Lord Of The Rings: Tolkien’s Heirs Sue The Arse Off New Line

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve often thought about suing the studio behind Lord Of The Rings, but that’s mainly because Return Of The King was so turgid that it was all we could do not to try and suffocate ourselves in the middle of the second act.

However, a group of JRR Tolkien heirs called the Tolkien Trust has decided to sue the Lord Of The Rings studio for a slightly more pressing matter – it’s claiming that New Line owes it $150 million in unpaid royalties.

Of course, $150 million is a lot of money, and if New Line is forced to pay it to the Tolkien Trust, one of its upcoming films might gave to be cancelled. So, if it’s the sequel to The Golden Compass, everybody wins.

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Jay Leno Wins Joke-Based Lawsuit, Remains Woefully Unfunny

by Stuart Heritage

You should never rip off one of Jay Leno’s jokes – mainly because it’s bound to be so unfunny that you’ll lose your job, be dumped by your girlfriend and end up dying alone on the streets.

But also there’s a chance that Jay Leno will sue you and win. And that’s what’s just happened. Jay Leno has just won a lawsuit against Judy Brown, who published compendiums containing jokes stolen from his routines.

And as a result Judy Brown will have to publish something less funny instead, like… nope, there isn’t any less funny than one of Jay Leno’s jokes.

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Jerry Seinfeld Sued For Comparing Cooks To Murderers

by Stuart Heritage

Just because Jerry Seinfeld has enough money to make a film about funny insects, it doesn’t mean he can escape healthy eaters.

A food writer who claims that Seinfeld’s wife ripped off her idea for a healthy cookbook has now decided to sue Jerry Seinfeld himself. Why? Because on TV he happened to make the innocent assumption that the writer in question was probably a murderer. Absurd, of course – we all know that people who eat healthily don’t possess the physical strength to even pick up a gun, let alone fire it without the recoil dislocating their entire skeletons.

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Snapper Sues Pierce Brosnan For Car Park Rumble

by Stuart Heritage

If Pierce Brosnan ever punched you in the chest, chances are you’d feel a small amount of emotional pain – as you would if you were beaten up by any old man who looks like he smells of treated leather and Old Spice.

But enough emotional pain to sue Pierce Brosnan? Photographer Robert Rosen seems to think so. Following a bewilderingly petty shoving match in a Los Angeles car park in October that variously included a rib-punch, a stomach-kick and the immortal line “Why don’t you get a real fucking job?” Robert Rosen is now suing Pierce Brosnan for ‘severe physical and emotional pain and injuries’. Needless to say, there’d have been a lot less emotional pain if Robert Rosen was beaten up in a car park by Daniel Craig, but Pierce Brosnan? Christ, that’s so 1998.

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Someone Still Cares About Borat Enough To Sue Him

by Stuart Heritage

The Borat movie came out so long ago that the only people left to logically get annoyed about it are people who share buses with year-late schoolkids who insist on shouting nothing but “Wow wow wee wah” every single effing day.

But that isn’t the case at all – there are still some unwitting stars of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan who have only just got round to suing the makers of the movie for the way they were led to appear in it. The latest Borat-suer is driving instructor Michael Psenicska, who is seeking unspecified damages from producers. It’s an important lawsuit, too, because it means that almost everyone who appeared in the Borat movie has now tried to sue – and it’ll be a clean sweep once we’ve convinced those two Jewish cockroaches from the guest house scene that they were unfairly represented.

The Borat movie came out so long ago that the only people left to logically get annoyed about it are people who share buses with year-late schoolkids who insist on shouting nothing but "Wow wow wee wah" every single effing day. But that isn't the case at all - there are still some unwitting stars of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan who have only just got round to suing the makers of the movie for the way they were led to appear in it. The latest Borat-suer is driving instructor Michael Psenicska, who is seeking unspecified damages from producers. It's an important lawsuit, too, because it means that almost everyone who appeared in the Borat movie has now tried to sue - and it'll be a clean sweep once we've convinced those two Jewish cockroaches from the guest house scene that they were unfairly represented.
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Teri Hatcher’s Lips Are The Wrong Kind Of Plump

by Shawn Lindseth

It is so hard to make our hair look this good. But with the help of LA Looks extra smooth hair sculpting gel, we always seem to make it happen. Of course, we don't even start our hair until we've had a nutritious breakfast consisting exclusively of Hillshire Farms crispy bacon, Thomas' golden brown english [...]

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