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Sued

Jared Leto Not Leto-ff With $30 Million Claim by Virgin

by Ian Dransfield

30 Seconds to Mars and their glorious leader Jared Leto had better check the back of their sofas for loose change. They may have to resort to begging, borrowing or even stealing to get through this one – being sued by Virgin Records for $30 million isn’t the kind of thing you can get by [...]

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Paris Hilton Sued For Not Being an Attention-Grabbing Twit

by Ian Dransfield

Wait – so that’s Paris Hilton we’re talking about? The one that would sell her own mother if it meant she got an extra five seconds in the public eye? But she’s getting sued for not promoting a film she was in? Well – stranger things have happened. There is also the chance that this [...]

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Over 1,000 Chinese Folk To Sue Sharon Stone For A Literal Billion Dollars

by Shawn Lindseth

It wasn’t so long ago that Sharon Stone offended all of China by saying each and everyone of them looked delicious, or something, and would no doubt be scrumptious when mashed down into a cracker-topping paste. She then drew up blueprints for a restaurant that would use this as its niche. We told her this [...]

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Ozzy Osbourne Wins Cash For Not Falling Over At The Brits

by Stuart Heritage

We’d always figured that Ozzy Osbourne was pretty libel-proof, because whatever you accuse him of, chances are he’s already done it.

Snorting a line of ants? Check. Chewing the heads off animals? Check. Urinating on the Alamo? Check. Getting hammered and trying to murder his wife? Check. Falling over a couple of times before the Brit Awards earlier this year? No way! Ugh! You sick bastard! Suggest that and Ozzy Osbourne will sue your tits off.

And win, too – Ozzy Osbourne has won undisclosed damages from the Daily Star after it claimed that Ozzy had a health scare right before the Brit Awards that almost saw him get withdrawn from the show. Turns out, though, that he was such a shaky andincoherent mess during the Brit Awards because he’s Ozzy Osbourne. Sheesh.

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Lindsay Lohan Sued By Someone Equally As Idiotic As Her

by Stuart Heritage

You know what we like? Stories where every single party involved ends up looking like the worst kind of twat.

So you can imagine our delight when we heard that the woman who accused Lindsay Lohan of stealing her fur coat has now made things official and has hit Lindsay with an actual lawsuit even though the coat was returned to her some months ago.

We know we don’t live in New York, but can anyone swing it for us to be the judge for this one? And while you’re at it, can you can also change the law so that we’re allowed to find both Lindsay Lohan and this Masha Markova woman guilty of being needless spaz-wipes and punish them by throwing them and their stupid coat into an active volcano forever while we dance around it wearing ghoulish animal masks? It’d mean a lot, thanks.

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Hulk Hogan Sued By Mangled Car Crash Victim

by Stuart Heritage

Time was when Hulk Hogan’s worst enemy was Ric Flair, but he’s coming to realise that some things in life are worse than whooping pensioners with freakish spiderweb hair.

Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he’s also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year.

According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it – an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn’t Know Best or Hogan’s A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.

Time was when Hulk Hogan's worst enemy was Ric Flair, but he's coming to realise that some things in life are worse than whooping pensioners with freakish spiderweb hair. Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he's also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan's son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year. According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it - an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn't Know Best or Hogan's A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.
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America’s Next Top Model Of A $500,000 Lawsuit

by Shawn Lindseth

The life of a fashion model is one filled with the finest linens, using three spoons per meal and luxury supersonic jets whisking them away to the closest reaches of outer space.

Sometimes it also includes seeing cement walls, and being comforted with the knowledge your fist could slide right through it given the chance. Remember when Naomi Campbell did that? Did she do that? Honestly – the walk-enhancing steroids they probably all take have a massive temperamental side effect. That’s why models are like that.

Campbell’s not the only fashion model sometimes mistaken for hurricane Katrina – the up and comers on America’s Next Top Model are apparently destructive too. That’s precisely why their landlord is currently suing them.

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James Blunt Suffers Non-Beautiful Legal Action

by C J Davies

Sometimes you just have to take responsibility for your actions.

Had a little bit too much to drink and made a fool of yourself? Call up your friends and say sorry. Bumped into a parked car and left a dent? Stick a note under the window wiper with a set of contact details and your humblest apologies. It just makes the world a nicer place, people.

Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Some of you may have done things so hideous over the course of your lives that you’ll never, ever, ever tell another soul for as long as you remain on this planet. For example – if you were responsible for launching the career of singer-songwriter James Blunt, we really wouldn’t hold it against you if you kept that revelation on the quiet side. In fact, if you ever want a place to hide out, we’ve got a lovely basement you could use. Provided you don’t mind sharing it with K.T Tunstall’s agent, that is.

Ex-4 Non Blondes singer Linda Perry holds no such fear, however. She’ll scream from the rooftops that she set James Blunt on the path to superstardom. In fact, she’s no angry with not being credited for helping out the Maestro Of Mediocrity that she’s suing Warner Music for millions of dollars.

Sometimes you just have to take responsibility for your actions. Had a little bit too much to drink and made a fool of yourself? Call up your friends and say sorry. Bumped into a parked car and left a dent? Stick a note under the window wiper with a set of contact details and your humblest apologies. It just makes the world a nicer place, people. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Some of you may have done things so hideous over the course of your lives that you'll never, ever, ever tell another soul for as long as you remain on this planet. For example - if you were responsible for launching the career of singer-songwriter James Blunt, we really wouldn't hold it against you if you kept that revelation on the quiet side. In fact, if you ever want a place to hide out, we've got a lovely basement you could use. Provided you don't mind sharing it with K.T Tunstall's agent, that is. Ex-4 Non Blondes singer Linda Perry holds no such fear, however. She'll scream from the rooftops that she set James Blunt on the path to superstardom. In fact, she's no angry with not being credited for helping out the Maestro Of Mediocrity that she's suing Warner Music for millions of dollars.
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Jay Z: Oppressing Black People For Centuries

by Paul Sorrenti

Think you know Jay-Z? Well, you don’t, so think again. Unless you already think that he is partially to blame for the enslavement of thousands of Africans in pre-1807 Britain, in which case you don’t need to think again, because you’re absolutely right, according to Brooklyn Activist Clive Campbell and Da Black Defense League.

They have filed a $5 billion dollar lawsuit against Jay-Z, along with Barclay’s Bank and Forest City Ratner, a real estate developer, because they have:

“…profited from the African Slave Trade and continue to profit from these gains, through a conspiracy dating back hundreds of years and continue to date to oppress Black people, enslave them, unlawfully deport them to all corners of the Earth.”

The bastard! Stop it, Jay-Z! Stop oppressing black people! What’s the matter with you? You’re black as well, you maniac! What kind of masochistic act is this? Behave yourself; it’s bang out of order.

Think you know Jay-Z? Well, you don’t, so think again. Unless you already think that he is partially to blame for the enslavement of thousands of Africans in pre-1807 Britain, in which case you don’t need to think again, because you’re absolutely right, according to Brooklyn Activist Clive Campbell and Da Black Defense League. They have filed a $5 billion dollar lawsuit against Jay-Z, along with Barclay’s Bank and Forest City Ratner, a real estate developer, because they have: “…profited from the African Slave Trade and continue to profit from these gains, through a conspiracy dating back hundreds of years and continue to date to oppress Black people, enslave them, unlawfully deport them to all corners of the Earth." The bastard! Stop it, Jay-Z! Stop oppressing black people! What’s the matter with you? You’re black as well, you maniac! What kind of masochistic act is this? Behave yourself; it’s bang out of order.
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Will Smith Doesn’t Love Adolf Hitler, Actually

by Stuart Heritage

Despite what you probably think, Will Smith isn’t a Nazi. And he certainly doesn’t have an Adolf Hitler poster on his bedroom wall that he strokes before he goes to sleep.

That’s a stone cold fact. Will Smith legally doesn’t have an embarrassing schoolboy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, and if you say he does he’ll sue you. And win.

Will Smith has won damages after a news agency ran an article called Smith: Hitler Was A Good Person last year. Great news – by suing, Will Smith has not only fixed a weird misapprehension about his beliefs, but he’s also effectively ruled out the rumoured Will Smith Adolf Hitler biopic. Thank god – we’re pretty sure the world can live without a rap-lite movie theme-tune containing the phrase ‘Indomitable Fuhrer’ repeated several times in the chorus.

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