Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.
Git.
And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).
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Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.
Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.
So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.
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When Brittany Murphy died, everyone just assumed that she’d gone overboard on the ol’ drugs. That’s what famous young people do, right? They hammer it too much and their famous hearts just give up.
Alas, it would appear that Brittany died of Community-Acquired Pneumonia and Iron Deficiency Anemia.
And now, oddly, Brittany Murphy’s dad, Angelo Bertolotti, isn’t happy about the result and is suing the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office because he’d like to do his own tests. What was he hoping for? Something more decadent or glamorous?
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Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.
Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.
And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!
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Every artist on the planet is a shameless thief. They’re all magpies, walking around and taking whatever they want without a care in the world. And that’s fine, because that’s always been the case and everyone loves music, film or whatever.
However, what no-one likes is a pointless snitch. Someone who yells ‘HEY! I had that idea before that other, more famous person had that very common notion! I think I’ll sue!‘
And the latest rapsnitch is some buffoon called Vincent Rogers who has tried to sue Kanye West over his song, ‘Stronger’.
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If only R Kelly had a bunch of events in his life that we could hang some jokes on. We’ve been wracking our brains here and can’t really think of anything that he’s done which we can mock, apart from some of his desperately awful records, that In The Closet lark and the fact it appears that he likes having sex with minors.
Wait! He liked hanging around with Michael Jackson didn’t he? That’s pretty funny isn’t it, because Michael Jackson had a face like a haunted hamstring by the time he died. There must be some correlation between R Kelly’s fondness for minors, allegations made against Jackson and, of course, our penchant for the most obvious jokes in the world.
But before all that, R. Kelly won’t be singing shit as he’s had to have some emergency throat surgery which means he won’t be performing for an indefinite period. Real talk. Or… y’know… No talk.
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R Kelly is being sued by former manager Jeff Kwatinetz for over $1 million. While that’s all very interesting and we’ll mention it later in the article, this is obviously not the reason we’re running the story. Clearly, we want to make jokes about R Kelly and sex with minors.
Of course, Kelly hasn’t ever been to prison or anything like that, so we can’t say he’s properly guilty of it. However, we can join the scrum and snicker about the rumours. And for those thinking we’re being racist, we’d do the same if Woody Allen was in the news more often (c’mon! You don’t think his relationship with Soon-Yi is weird as shit?).
Alas, we’re looking at R Kelly.
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Tyra Banks is a very talented woman. She’s able to smile with her eyes, which is great, but she’s also able to grimace with her ear-holes and frown with her arse. What an amazing human being she is.
And now, she’s also obtained the skill of being sued by the mother of a 15-year-old sex addict. Whack that on the curriculum vitae.
That’s right dearest reader, Tyra Banks and Warner Bros Entertainment are being sued for $3m over allegations that a 15-year-old self-confessed sex addict appeared on The Tyra Show without her mother’s consent. What? Did you expect this to be a tale about a child humping a former supermodel’s back? You sick shits. Read More >>>
