Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams prophesied that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been  having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

Poor ol’ Robbie says that he can’t remember the last time he had bad dreams. We’re not experts on the Rapid Eye Movement of celebrities but we’d hazard that his last bout of nightmares was what prompted him to believe he was Sammy Davis Jr. & release ‘Swing When You’re Winning’. Still, the snivelling little rodent believes he’s part of a different Rat Pack now, one being funnelled into a killing field by a “certain paramilitary group”.

He told some lobotomised hack;

“I had a dream the other night that a sectarian group was trying to kill me. I have not had a nightmare like that for a long time, forever really, but a certain paramilitary group came to kill me.”

A certain paramilitary group. Could have been any of them so hecklerspray used our underground network of contacts to find out if any terrorist organisations were employing dream assassins. Yes, dream assassins. Haven’t you seen Inception? Of the sixteen worldwide paramilitary groups we contacted, fifteen asked us who Robbie Williams was while a representative of “The Real IRA” said;

“Fuck off, we have better things to do.”

Ayda Field’s husband (that’s Robbie, apparently) needed the reassuring sight of a relative to remind him that he was very much alive and still an incredibly rich man;

“I suddenly woke up and saw my brother-in-law Rich from Stoke-on-Trent at the bottom of my stairs at my home in LA and knew everything was all right.”

The paramilitary group responsible for this attack will have to step up its efforts if it wants to avoid another ‘Rudebox’ incident. Hang on a second, do the NME have a paramilitary wing? We’ll get them on the phone and get back to you*.

Williams has admitted to spells of paranoia in the past and spent a summer holed up in his Los Angeles mansion, before emerging disguised in a gorilla suit and wearing a pair of sunglasses. Suggestions that this may have been due to an over-indulgence in a certain white powder were refuted, despite obviously being true**.

*NME’s lawyers would like us to point out that they are not in the habit of forming paramilitary wings in order to assassinate celebrities who are stealing column inches from The Kaiser Chiefs. Protesting too much?

**Legal Note: Robbie Williams has never even seen cocaine, let alone snorted loads of it to make himself feel like Dean Martin.

Have you ever watched Strictly Come Dancing? It’s a terrible programme that actually encourages witless celebrities to cavort around a dancefloor with all the guile and grace of a mule being dragged down three flights of stairs by a Mini Metro.

Not only that, it’s the show that willingly shoves Bruce Forsyth out, bewildered and making dreamlike jokes to himself to polite, pitiful laughter from concerned audience members. The smell of urine and cough-mints must be unbearable.

That said, Auntie BBC is very protective of her baby and is suing an Italian TV channel for making a pornographic version of the show which is quite obviously far, far better than the one we get in Blighty.

The corporation’s Worldwide arm has called in lawyers to sort this out, after they discovered that Mediaset (owned by notoriously nice and honest guy, Silvio Berlusconi) had ripped off the show and added genitals.

Italy, of course, already has a fully licensed version of the show (under the international title ‘Dancing with the Stars’), but now there’s a new version called Baila! which is mucky as hell and based on South American programme Bailando Por Un Sueno.

The mucky South American version once saw a dancer perform topless while simulating sex with her partner. It sounds amazing!

Have a look at the sort of thing it airs.

A spokesperson for the corporation said:

“BBC Worldwide takes the protection of its copyright extremely seriously and is currently undertaking legal action in Italy to protect its ‘Dancing with the Stars’ format.

“It has been named as the world’s most successful reality TV format and has been licensed to over 35 international broadcasters.

“It is very important to BBC Worldwide and its international licensees that the format is protected from infringement.”

However, Pier Silvio Berlusconi – deputy chairman of Mediaset and the Italian Prime Minister’s son – claims there are key differences in the formats of the two shows.

He said in a statement:

“It is a dancing talent show with the peculiarity of involving both celebrities and normal people. The dance talent show is a format that works on commercial television everywhere in the world. We certainly wouldn’t claim that the only reality format is ‘Big Brother’.”

Just imagine John Sergeant taking part in it.

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Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

Remember to click ‘HD’ to see Mof in all his terrifying glory.

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Yoko Ono’s not a very nice lady, is she? First she split up The Beatles, then she was responsible for a series of musical abortions with the Plastic Ono band and now she’s going out of her way to sully the memory of her late husband by trying to grind as many shekels out of him as possible.

According to Jam, Ono has threatened to sue the owner of a Dundee pub which is dedicated to the former Beatle. Indications suggest that the ”singer” has had her lawyers send a letter to Mike Craig, the owner of “Lennon’s Bar”, that accuses him of copyright infringement.

Craig claims to have spent thousands of pounds on Beatles memorabilia for his pub which was opened in tribute to a member of one of world music’s most important acts. However, the letter from Ono’s lawyers is demanding that he removes all the memorabilia and changes the venue’s name within 14 days or he will face legal action.

After all, no-one but Yoko is allowed to remember John Lennon because if people are allowed to remember him and his contribution to the world in their own way then she would disappear in a puff of smoke and our editor Mof Gimmers would have no-one to fake retweets of.

The owner of ‘Lennon’s’ said: “It’s ridiculous. The pub’s been called Lennon’s for about five years, but the signs will be removed this week.” Before probably muttering “evil witch” or words to that effect under his breath.

Ono is famously litigious in her pursuit of a quick dollar. She has been involved in several legal disputes in relation to her late husband, in an effort to maintain her own ailing relevance. In 2006, she filed a £5.35m lawsuit against EMI and its subsidiary Capitol Records for “wilfully and knowingly under-reporting royalties.” She needs to be kept in hemp.

In 2008, meanwhile, it was reported that she sued the singer Lennon Murphyfor using the name Lennon as a performance name. Although the money-grabbing hippy later revealed that she had not sued the singer, her legal team did object after Murphy applied to the US trademark office for exclusive rights to the name Lennon for musical performances. Clearly those rights should be deferred to a dead man.

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It’s got to be difficult being Hugh Hefner. A life surrounded by thousands of bouncy post-op women and actual vats of cash would be difficult for any man.

On top of that he’s got to keep crazy hours sneaking about at night with his secret elite paedophile organisation. They’re always hiding under kids’ beds and in their closets with sweaty fists tightly gripping inside-out underoos. And at his age – that’s a lot of sleep he’s skipping.

It’s probably untrue, to be quite honest. But one ‘reincarnated’ Greek goddess is suing him because she thinks it is.

As any secret, predatory, paedophile gang worth a spit will tell you – to thrive in total anonymity you’ve really got to get a famous face to front your organisation. Seriously. That’s probably because when you get found out it’ll make you more relatable (if not down-right likable) to the public. Enter Hugh Hefner, then.

Or don’t, actually. You see, chances really are he’s been too busy promising button-bursting 18-year-olds babies for the past six decades to really have time to assault sexy toddlers in their own nurseries. One lady though – she’s suing him for billions under that very claim. If you think it sounds crazy so far – you ain’t heard nothing yet. This is apparently from a letter/statement the unnamed accuser sent to the Superior Court of California:

“Yes, sir I am asking for 3 billion dollars from Mr. Hefner. He’s been after me since I was a baby. Along with a pedifile organization here in L.A. When I was bout 5 yrs. Old He mysteriously was underneath my bed and he grabbed my arm and said that he and forsay the beatles and he mentioned the names of them. I asked like in my head since I’m a hat everyone in the world here’s my thought’s, a good way to establish peace…”

We know what you’re thinking – Hugh Hefner should be arrested this very minute! But wait – there’s more:

“Hugh has made it with the pedifile organization hard to work, my stuff ens up disappearing and my family that I grew up with there’s so jeoulousits like insanous but Hugh Hefner is the one That was the start of helping the pedifilement Hugh Hefner and the head person’s of the pedifile family…”

We’re not done yet:

“I consider my hat my telepathy from God and I also carry the beautifiliest angel lusefer in me cause I remember being the Goddess Venus see me and odeseyues God of wine and Zeus, in which I have a different perspective on such a God well you know well built, a body like a brick house like a God that rules…”

Well she makes slightly more sense then Kendra, right? Of course she does.

Now sit back and take a breath. Touch the top of your head to make sure it wasn’t just blown off. Still there? Good. If it’s not you should find all the pieces and get them on ice.

We’re still not done with the crazy quotes, you know. That lady babbled on for like three pages in small print. Of course – you probably would too if you thought your story would fill your wallet with a literal three billion dollars of Hefner-dough. Imagine how much therapy that could get this lady? Well with that in mind, we certainly hope this thing makes it all the way to court on a day the judge particularly hates old men with silicone stuck to the roof of their dentures.

If you want to see more crazy lady-ranting you’ll have to download the rest for yourself. Skip on over to TMZ and find the PDF file. Guaranteed to be the weirdest, saddest, bleakest, most dismal, distressing and depressing thing you’ve read all day.

Kinda makes you question this thing called life, doesn’t it?

-Sniff-

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re in a warm bath and apparently we need to find a longer extension cord for our toaster.

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The Adventures Of Willy The Wizard No 1: Livid Land is a wonderful book wherein the protagonist possibly vanquishes evil by rubbing it incessantly with his magical buttock.

Since Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire basically has the exact same plot, sentence structure, verb-to-noun ratio and pie graphs, the heirs of the Willy Wizard estate have recognised it as unapologetic plagiarism. As such they are now suing JK Rowling either until she agrees to show them the exact location of Hogwarts, and to allow Willy Wizard a full seven-book scholarship there, or for 813 million dollars.

We honestly don’t remember which.

When JK Rowling first decided to write Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire for the sole purpose of furthering her unholy satanic agenda, she probably had no idea why her dark lord, as he spoke from the belly of a freshly slain cat, demanded she do so by plagiarising a boring author that nobody ever heard of and would likely never read.

But that’s just what she did. Allegedly. Well of course you know she probably didn’t do it, but that’s what two descendants of Adrian Jacobs are claiming. They are bound and determined to squeeze Rowling for £500 million in a British court of law. Either that or they’re bound and determined to get their dead dad a butt-load of publicity with a lawsuit like this.

Here’s what it says on All Headline News:

“Legal papers filed by Jacobs’ estate list similarities between the books, including “shared references” to a wizard train and prison and a magical contest where the boy wizard must rescue human hostages taken captive by half-human creatures. In addition to £500 million [$813 million] in damages, the estate is seeking an injunction to prevent further sales of the offending book, or a share in the tome’s profits”

If that’s not enough for you – here’s what a Willy Wizard fan wrote about the book on Amazon.co.uk:

“This book is great for kids, it very much appears to resemble Harry Potter. I love this book, ive grown up with it and it has been signed by the author Adrian Jacobs. i really do recommend this book to every child. it is very hard to get a hold of and is extremely rare. Its about Willy the Wizard who goes to wizard college on a train and adventures begin to happen, you will really have to read this book yourself its great!!”

If this lawsuit works and the Willy Wizard people end up with part-ownership in all of Rowling’s bank accounts, let us simply state we once wrote a book called ‘The Wizard’s Willy.’ It was about a magician who died but most of his genitalia lived on for another 100 years helping those in need. We haven’t actually read Willy Wizard, but the title alone definitely borrows heavily from our little-read masterpiece.

We’re just saying that we’re probably owed a little something too. British courts – save us a seat.

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At some point in time the American Express credit card company received an application with Courtney Love’s name on it and decided that yes, they would like to entrust her with more than a quarter million dollars.

Had they paid attention to the small print in their company policy where it clearly states ‘it is ill-advised that any money ever be lent to people who poop out their mouth and call it a record,’ then perhaps they could have avoided this lawsuit all together.

Oh that’s right – we said lawsuit. The credit card company claims Love refuses to pay back $352,059.67.

It’s all been downhill for Courtney Love ever since her husband died and couldn’t write music for her band to record anymore. Also, it’s been down hill since she smeared her lipstick 15 years ago and apparently everyone feels to awkward to tell her. She’s also been all downhill since she was born so very unattractive.

All in all the woman has had a rough go.

And its getting rougher. American Express claims she owes them $352,059.67, and she claims she shouldn’t have to pay them back since she wrapped the money in a taco and then kept it in her bum until the whole wad smelted.

That last part we heard her say in a dream.

This is what American Express says about the whole mess (according to Reuters):

“[American Express] sued the musician in Los Angeles on Wednesday, alleging she owes more than $350,000 in unpaid charges and other fees on her AmEx Gold card. The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court, seeks $352,059.67 for the unpaid balance, damages, attorney’s fees and late charges, and says Love’s charging privileges were suspended after she “failed and refused” to make payments.”

Well that’s their side. Loves side is actually quite different. According to TMZ:

“Love’s lawyer writes: “AmEx knows the claim has no merit. We have told them this for a long time. AmEx’s lax policies allowed fraudulent transactions to be charged to my client’s card.”…Keith Fink, Courtney’s lawyer, tells us that 104 AmEx credit cards were taken out under Courtney’s name or the name of her business — and that all the charges attributed to Courtney weren’t made by her. He also said it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out nobody takes out 104 credit cards!”

Well Love’s lawyer Keith Fink, we’re inclined to side with you. It would be completely outrageous for a normal person to get 104 accounts for the exact same credit card brand. You should check up there with the smelted tacos before you get to court though. You wouldn’t want an ill-timed fart to blow your case.

That would be embarrassing on at least two different levels.

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You might not like Sharon Osbourne – specifically her stupid haircut, weird face and ridiculous Skeletor voice.

And that’s fine. But even Sharon Osbourne has her limits. Cross them and she’ll sue your flipping bum off. That’s what Sharon Osbourne did to The Sun after it claimed she was working Ozzy Osbourne ‘to destruction’ to keep her rich, and she’s won a substantial payout from it.

So whatever you do, don’t say that Sharon Osbourne is trying to kill her husband with work. But feel free to laugh at her funny Skeletor voice. That’s probably OK. If it isn’t, we’re screwed.

We genuinely can’t understand why, but Sharon Osbourne seems to be everywhere at the moment. One minute she’s being rumoured to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, the next she’s getting all Lady Macbeth about Dannii Minogue.

We’re not sure why this is happening, and we’re not certain we approve of it, but at least now that Sharon Osbourne has won a crapstand of money by suing a newspaper for libel, hopefully she can disappear again for a while.

The trouble all started when The Sun printed an article in 2007 claiming that Sharon Osbourne was forcing Ozzy Osbourne to perform a gruelling string of concerts just because she wanted some new jewels or shoes or another dehumanising round of cosmetic surgery or something. And this is Ozzy Osbourne we’re talking about, remember – a man who looks like he has trouble remember what trousers are for – so obviously forcing him to sing Crazy Train night after night would be impossibly cruel, right? BBC News reports:

The article, published in October 2007, claimed that Mrs Osbourne was “driving her frail husband Ozzy Osbourne to destruction” and was working him “so hard she will kill him”. It alleged that she was forcing the Black Sabbath star to perform in a series of live shows in order to fund her exorbitant spending. The article continued: “Sharon will keep Ozzy on the road until, like Tommy Cooper, he dies on stage”.

Anyway, long story short, it’s all bollocks. Sharon Osbourne didn’t try to kill Ozzy Osbourne. She doesn’t need to – Ozzy Osbourne is perfectly capable of almost dying by himself, as any number of amateur quad-biking enthusiasts will tell you.

And, as such, The Sun has paid Sharon Osbourne a substantial, undisclosed sum of money in libel damages. But, let’s look on the bright side, at least it’s only money – Sharon didn’t lob a cup of coffee in their faces and then try to physically rip them limb from limb in front of a gaggle of bewildered bikini models. She does that, we hear.

So ‘trying to kill Ozzy Osbourne to fund her lifestyle’ is off the list of things we can say about Sharon Osbourne. Are we still allowed to say that her daughter looks like a sullen Moomin, though? Because it would sort of suck if we weren’t.

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Hitler had a face that only a mother could love – a blind, drunk mother whose eyeballs were probably in the bottom of a reservoir somewhere filled with cataracts.

As far as our top five list of attractive dictators goes, Hitler’s not even on it. You know who is though? General Mao. Sure he was mean, but he had the jaw-line of a god. Adolf was ugly alright – but don’t tell that to Eva Braun. She used to lick sugar off his greasy cheek bones (Germans think that’s an exfoliator). Imagine how dumb she’d feel once she found out he was ugly.

Hideous as he was, though, Hitler apparently had good taste in globes. And that, through a series of strange events, now has Tom Cruise hovering on the brink of a huge gaping lawsuit.

As vile as he was, there were still two admirable traits clearly owned by Adolf Hitler. The first is that he was a real patriot, at least that’s what our great aunt Adolpha told us through what we suspect is a Spanish accent. The second is he owned a really nice globe – nice enough that Tom Cruise went way out of his way to include a replica of it in his recent German one-eyed romantic comedy, whatever it was called. We haven’t seen it yet.

The problem there is the actual physical look of Adolf’s globe was copyrighted by what must be a very lonely fellow. That’s right, the globe itself is a full-fledge copyrighted item, and Cruise and company approached nobody about using it in a film. Page Six can get you up to speed:

“Robert Pritikin – who penned such jingles as “Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat” and has a $40 million art collection – owns several Hitler artifacts, including the Fuehrer’s notorious globe, which he used to plan U-boat attacks from his compound in the Bavarian Alps.

“The globe was replicated and prominently featured in “Valkyrie,” the thriller about a real-life plot to assassinate Hitler – and that has Pritikin mulling legal action. In 2007, Pritikin paid $100,000 for the globe and had its likeness copyrighted to keep it from being used in propaganda by sick neo-Nazi groups.”

A solution the Rice-A-Roni guy has in mind is that Tommy-boy could buy all of his Hitler related paraphernalia and then donate it to a museum or something. Other items Pritikin may have in mind for quick sale include Hitler’s crusty inside-out underpants, the actual withered portion of Hitler’s lip that his tiny mustache used to call home, and a montage of several German puppies. That last one we’re told is quite cute.

If any of that is true it sounds absolutely terrible – but not that all of the Rice-A-Roni guy’s ideas are bad. For instance we’re really thinking about copyrighting all flat maps made during the greater WWII era. And if that works we’re also gonna reserve the image rights to Abraham Lincoln‘s stove pipe hat and the white horse that’s always in the background whenever George Washington posed for a prayer painting.

Then we’re just gonna sit back and let the inevitable cash flow in. Thanks for that, Hitler-rice guy, from the bottom of our pocket book.

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Imagine if you realised that a song you wrote sounded quite like Coldplay – you’d kill yourself out of shame, wouldn’t you.

Well, not if you’re Joe Satriani. Joe’s claiming that Coldplay ripped off chunks his song If I Could Fly in Viva La Vida, and he’s suing the band for everything they’ve got – so essentially a U2 songbook, some tatty faux-Napoleonic jackets and a scrawny wife who always looks miserable.

Why wasn’t the comparison between the songs pointed out sooner? Because everyone knows that if you own a Coldplay album and a Joe Satriani album, you must be drowned like a witch, that’s why.

The problem with music is that there are only so many notes available to an artist, and only so many combination of notes they can use before songs start sounding familiar. That’s why sometimes you get a situation where Avril Lavigne writes a song that sounds a bit like Hey Mickey, a bit like The Rolling Stones, a bit like Peaches and a bit like some band we’ve never heard of and yet somehow worse than all of them.

It’s not plagiarism, it’s just an unfortunate coincidence. But what’s really unfortunate is when a band makes a song that sounds like another artist’s song and both performers are crap and the note progression in both songs is so woeful that it makes us want to saw through into our belly, feed our arm up through the hole and punch the bad noise out of our brain with our fists from the inside.

Which, hey, seems to be what’s happening with Joe Satriani and Coldplay.

In 2004, Joe Satriani – the guitar bore who makes music for people who don’t like music – released an album with the punchworthy title Is There Love in Space? The album contained a song called If I Could Fly, which nobody paid any attention to at first because it was boring and almost certainly the sort of thing that Noel Edmonds would enjoy using as his on-hold music.

Flash forward four years, though, and Coldplay have released song called Viva La Vida on an album of the same name which was boring and almost certainly the sort of thing that Noel Edmonds would enjoy using as his… hey, wait a minute!

Long story short, Joe Satriani’s now suing Coldplay for ripping him off. BBC reports:

In court papers filed in Los Angeles on Thursday, he said the song used “substantial original portions” of his 2004 instrumental If I Could Fly. Satriani, 52, wants a jury trial and is seeking damages and “any and all profits” for the alleged plagiarism.

But how similar are If I Could Fly and Viva La Vida? Luckily YouTube is all over this. Look…

OK, they are kind of similar. But it won’t be up to us to decide who’ll win this lawsuit. However, if Joe Satriani does win, it’ll be a terrible blow to Coldplay – not just a financial blow but, because one of Coldplay will actually have to admit to owning a Joe Satriani album, a blow to any notion that the band understands what good music sounds like.

But regardless of who wins the lawsuit, there can only be one loser here. And that’s us – the knowledge that two artists have chosen to use a melody so obviously stupid has pretty much obliterated what little remaining faith in humanity we had. If you need us we’ll be weeping in the corner.

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He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004′s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

When it comes to David Duchovny, there are certain things that you can and can’t say about him. For instance, you can say that X-Files: I Want To Believe was such a disappointment that you’d be happy if he never worked again, or that his TV show Californication is so bad, largely because of his own doughy face, that just thinking of the word ‘Californication’ makes you want to pull your jaw out and smash it into your eyes now.

You can even say that – as a self-confessed sex addict – it seems as though David Duchovny is just a big greedy child who lacks the basic self-control to respect his wife, whether it’s by having sex with other women or just hammering his sweaty little mushroom into a stump in front of the internet until his lap ends up looking like like a large and unusually hairy glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. We’re pretty sure you can say that.

But what you can’t say is that David Duchovny had an affair with his tennis coach Edit Pakay. The Daily Mail said that earlier this week, and now David Duchovny’s suing it for a million dollars. Fox News reports:

Duchovny filed a lawsuit in the Los Angeles Superior Court on Wednesday for defamation and invasion of privacy against The Daily Mail, seeking no less than $1 million in damages. On October 18 the well-known tabloid claimed that the “Californication” star was having a “full-blown sexual affair” with his tennis teacher Edit Pakey and that he had planned to leave his wife of 11 years to be with her.

Because David Duchovny apparently wasn’t having an affair with his tennis coach – who incidentally, it’s claimed, wasn’t even his tennis coach – the report caused him ‘substantial harm’. A million dollars’ worth of harm, in fact.

For what it’s worth, we haven’t had sex with any tennis instructors recently either, so if there are any newspapers that would like to pay us a million dollars for that as well, we’d appreciate that. Just so everyone knows.

As his characters in The Fugitive, Men In Black and, um, Men In Black 2 have shown time and time again, Tommy Lee Jones is not a man to be messed with.

So when the producers of No Country For Old Men started to muck around with Tommy Lee Jones’ salary, it was always going to end up with one of two scenarios – either Tommy Lee Jones was going to chase them through the woods with a gang of fearsome US Marshalls until they’re forced to jump off a waterfall, or he’d just sue them.

So he sued them. Tommy Lee Jones has launched a lawsuit against the producers of No Country For Old Men because he says they paid him $10 million less than they said they would. $10 million is lot of money which, having seen No Country For Old Men, equates roughly to $5 million for every word that Tommy Lee Jones spoke in it, so no wonder he’s narked off.

No Country For Old Men was a phenomenal success. Not only did it win just about every movie award under the sun, but it also ended up taking hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, which is fairly odd for an almost-silent movie about a man with a funny haircut getting some kids to bandage him up with a T-shirt.

The success of No Country For Old Men has led to greater things for everyone involved – Javier Bardem got to have it off with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz at the same time, Josh Brolin‘s getting to play the president in his next movie and it lent Woody Harrelson the authority to compare Wesley Snipes to a tree in official letters.

Yep, everyone’s done well out of No Country For Old Men, except for Tommy Lee Jones. He’s apparently been gypped out of $10 million by the movie’s producers, after he apparently signed a contract where they promised him all kinds of woolly fluff. BBC News reports:

Legal papers filed in California stated the 61-year-old had taken a lower fee than normal to appear in the film. But Paramount Pictures pledged “significant” bonuses to him if the movie was a hit and Jones did not receive these, the papers alleged.

Significant bonuses? No wonder there’s so much confusion – that doesn’t actually mean anything at all. Personally if we were the movie producers, we’d have tried to let Tommy Lee Jones keep the hat he wore and one of the dog corpse dummies from the film on the basis that they’re culturally significant. Plus, you know, he might have been able to get a couple of quid for them on eBay as well. What’s he complaining for?

Actually, in fairness, we’re completely on the side of Tommy Lee Jones here. It’s not nice to go unrewarded for work you’ve done, especially when you’ve already been rewarded for it and you’re quibbling over bonuses for your particularly easy, incredibly overpaid role in a movie that basically just asked you to play a quieter version of every single other character you’ve played in all other movies you’ve ever been in.

Honestly Tommy Lee Jones, we should organise a march for you or something.

You’re probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins look like, because you’re nosy and have nothing better to do.

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies – especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

But don’t get the wrong idea – Brad Pitt isn’t going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He’s doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you’ll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon have really captured the world’s imagination since they were born earlier this month. They’re rich, they’re famous, they’re a little bit French and they’re probably the focus of up to eight or nine separate opportunistic kidnapping plots. What’s not to love?

Well, how about the fact that we don’t know what they bloody look like for starters? For all we know Vivienne Marcheline has a hand for a nose and Knox Leon looks like a giant boggle-eyed manatee.

Some brave members of the paparazzi have been trying to help us all out, though, by secretly sneaking into Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s French estate and taking pictures without anyone finding out. These gallant photographers deserve our praise on two counts, firstly because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy kicking the paparazzi’s arse whenever they can, and secondly because it’s probably a bit illegal.

However, don’t start getting excited by the prospect of any Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie baby action just yet, because Brad has caught wind of these secretly-taken photos, and he’s just about ready to shit out an aneurysm about it. E! Online reports:

The actor’s attorney is threatening legal action against any media outlet that publishes photos snapped “surreptitiously” of Pitt, Angelina Jolie and their family, including new twins Knox and Vivienne, on the grounds of their French estate. “The taking of the Photos constitutes a malicious violation of Mr. Pitt’s privacy, including under the laws of California and France,” the attorney says.

We have to admit that we’re a little bit outraged by Brad Pitt’s threats to sue anyone who prints photos of his babies.

True, the photos do probably constitute a serious breach of privacy, and as a result Brad and Angelina will live the rest of their lives in a paranoid fug of hounded terror, but isn’t it every human’s right to be able to glance at a picture of a famous baby, mumble about it only looking like a sodding baby and forget about it instantly?

Apparently not. And anyway, it is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s right to keep the identity of their new babies a secret, not just because of the obvious security threat but because the children haven’t asked to be photographed. They’re just unconsenting pawns in all of this, and it’d be unfair to take advantage otherwise. It’s not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to sell photos of the twins to the highest bidder, is it?

Oh wait…

When Phil Spector needed a place to stay that wasn’t a prison, a jail, or a cot next to the furnace in a friend of a friend’s unfinished basement, The Westin Bonaventure kindly took him in, giving him something called ‘heavenly beds’ and possibly a continental breakfast.

But Spector (enter dark looming clouds) didn’t like bagels with cream cheese, small personal-size boxes of raisin bran or apples with tiny, brown, centimeter-deep puncture wounds on them. No, the continental breakfast definitely would not do. So maybe he ordered room service every single day instead.

Well whatever he did it looks like he was paying for extra of something – the hotel is currently suing him for $110,000 they claim he owes them. Will the hotel ever see this money? Probably not – but Spector’d no doubt be happy to throw in some unneeded “Wall of Sound” if that would help at all.

You know, the kind he used to toss around so freely circa 1970.

Phil Spector spent an awfully long time at trial over the murder/death of 40 year old Lana Clarkson, the woman that was found dead at his house. All arguements one way or the other temporarily ended when the jury deadlocked and a mistrial was declared.

Mistrial or no mistrial though – Spector had been renting several rooms at the Westin Bonaventure for he and his legal team. From what we’ve seen he kept up on payments the first four months, but then he began to let things slide – which probably really upset the bellhop who was standing there with his hand out.

According to the LA Times, the hotel claims:

“Spector stopped paying the bills for rooms four months into his stay at the Westin Bonaventure, a few blocks from the Criminal Justice Center where his trial was held, according to a lawsuit filed Wednesday in Los Angeles County Superior Court.

“Spector had an agreement to pay in advance every two weeks, according to the suit. The Westin provided Spector with special accommodations, including “heavenly beds,” complimentary workouts for his attorneys and a secured “litigation war room” guarded with key-card access, said Shari L. Rosenthal, an attorney for the Westin.”

The trial started April 24, 2006 and ended September 26, 2007. If he only paid the first four months ‘rent’ that means he was there for over a year without paying a dime. Perhaps the hotel’s reluctant permittance had something to do with all those unresolved murder allegations.

Still, we don’t know about you, but with rates like that we’re booking a room. Actually, make that two rooms, preferably adjoining, and have somebody roll breakfast in on a cart every morning around 9:30.

Please no gross looking apples.

To read more see ‘Hotel sues Phil Spector over $100,000 unpaid bills’ On The Associated Press Website

Normally, Disney World is a magical place where pixies float through the air on fluffy pink tufts of cotton candy, fairies bless each child with things like good fortune and longevity, and hat-wearing man-dogs do stuff too.

Sometimes though, the place is just a target for lawsuits that state it has religious undertones that persecute Muslims because of their head dress & facial scruff – and that’s just the women!

Disney of course denies all this – but it hasn’t stopped one young man from suing them on this very premise. He tried to get a job with them – and was denied because of his turban and facial hair.

Apparently, he didn’t apply for anything in the Aladdin department.

Sukhbir Channa is a man with a name that looks absolutely crazy when fully written out. He’s also a man who got denied employment at Disney World – and he is not pleased about it. To show his displeasure he’s forged a lawsuit in the fiery depths of Jahannum using nothing but molten ore, incredible heat, a pen, some paper and a lawyer.

TMZ reports:

“In his suit, Sukhbir Channa says when he applied for a job at Disney World in 2006, he was told his turban, beard, and long hair didn’t conform to the “Disney look”. Here’s the goofy part: just a few months before, in 2005, he says he marched as a toy soldier in a Disney parade with no problems– but then his turban was hidden by a big toy soldier hat.”

The suit is seeking $1,000,000 in damages to compensate for the several hours a week of minimum wage he probably would have made twirling a baton that had a set of mouse ears on each end. That would be enough to buy him a hot dog on park premises.

Disney was called to give the other side of the story, but he’s been dead for at least 50 years or something, and his previous phone number now belongs to a Taco Bell. We also tried calling the actual Disney corporation, but nobody here could figure out how to dial an area code.

Eventually our mother was called for a comment as her number is first on our contact list and therefore not difficult to dial. She said:

“Did you hear? Nanna fell again.”

Investigation is currently underway to determine if Disney somehow made our Nanna fall, because she too has a beard.