sue - HecklerSpray

Robbie Williams Carelessly Murdered By Misguided Dream Assassins

January 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams?prophesied?that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been ?having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

BBC To Sue Italians For Making Obviously Superior Porn Version Of Strictly Come Dancing

September 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Have you ever watched Strictly Come Dancing? It’s a terrible programme that actually encourages witless celebrities to cavort around a dancefloor with all the guile and grace of a mule being dragged down three flights of stairs by a Mini Metro.

Not only that, it’s the show that willingly shoves Bruce Forsyth out, bewildered and making dreamlike jokes to himself to polite, pitiful laughter from concerned audience members. The smell of urine and cough-mints must be unbearable.

That said, Auntie BBC is very protective of her baby and is suing an Italian TV channel for making a pornographic version of the show which is quite obviously far, far better than the one we get in Blighty.

Readers’ Letters: In Which You All Dribble Over Scarlett Johansson’s Breasts [Video]

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

Yoko Ono To Squeeze Every Last Penny Out Of John Lennon’s Fetid Corpse

July 11th, 2011 By Michael Park

Yoko Ono’s not a very nice lady, is she? First she split up The Beatles, then she was responsible for a series of musical abortions with the Plastic Ono band and now she’s going out of her way to sully the memory of her late husband by trying to grind as many shekels out of him as possible.

According to Jam, Ono has threatened to sue the owner of a Dundee pub which is dedicated to the former Beatle. Indications suggest that the?”singer” has had her lawyers send a letter to?Mike Craig, the owner of “Lennon’s Bar”, that accuses him of copyright infringement.

Craig claims to have spent thousands of pounds on?Beatles memorabilia for his pub which was opened in tribute to a member of one of world music’s most important acts. However, the letter from?Ono?s lawyers is demanding that he removes all the memorabilia and changes the venue?s name within 14 days or he will face legal action.

Hugh Hefner, Reincarnation, Paedophilia, Zeus

July 10th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

It’s got to be difficult being Hugh Hefner. A life surrounded by thousands of bouncy post-op women and actual vats of cash would be difficult for any man.

On top of that he’s got to keep crazy hours sneaking about at night with his secret elite paedophile organisation. They’re always hiding under kids’ beds and in their closets with sweaty fists tightly gripping inside-out underoos. And at his age – that’s a lot of sleep he’s skipping.

It’s probably untrue, to be quite honest. But one ‘reincarnated’ Greek goddess is suing him because she thinks it is.

Willy The Wizard Comes Down Hard On JK Rowling

June 18th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

The Adventures Of Willy The Wizard No 1: Livid Land is a wonderful book wherein the protagonist possibly vanquishes evil by rubbing it incessantly with his magical buttock.

Since Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire basically has the exact same plot, sentence structure, verb-to-noun ratio and pie graphs, the heirs of the Willy Wizard estate have recognised it as unapologetic plagiarism. As such they are now suing JK Rowling either until she agrees to show them the exact location of Hogwarts, and to allow Willy Wizard a full seven-book scholarship there, or for 813 million dollars.

We honestly don’t remember which.

Courtney Love Gets Lovingly Sued By Lovely Credit Card Company

May 29th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

At some point in time the American Express credit card company received an application with Courtney Love’s name on it and decided that yes, they would like to entrust her with more than a quarter million dollars.

Had they paid attention to the small print in their company policy where it clearly states ‘it is ill-advised that any money ever be lent to people who poop out their mouth and call it a record,’ then perhaps they could have avoided this lawsuit all together.

Oh that’s right – we said lawsuit. The credit card company claims Love refuses to pay back $352,059.67.

Sharon Osbourne Legally Not As Awful As You Thought

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might not like Sharon Osbourne – specifically her stupid haircut, weird face and ridiculous Skeletor voice.

And that’s fine. But even Sharon Osbourne has her limits. Cross them and she’ll sue your flipping bum off. That’s what Sharon Osbourne did to The Sun after it claimed she was working Ozzy Osbourne ‘to destruction’ to keep her rich, and she’s won a substantial payout from it.

So whatever you do, don’t say that Sharon Osbourne is trying to kill her husband with work. But feel free to laugh at her funny Skeletor voice. That’s probably OK. If it isn’t, we’re screwed.

Tom Cruise & Hitler’s Globe Virtually Embroiled In Strange Legal Action!

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Hitler had a face that only a mother could love – a blind, drunk mother whose eyeballs were probably in the bottom of a reservoir somewhere filled with cataracts.

As far as our top five list of attractive dictators goes, Hitler’s not even on it. You know who is though? General Mao. Sure he was mean, but he had the jaw-line of a god. Adolf was ugly alright – but don’t tell that to Eva Braun. She used to lick sugar off his greasy cheek bones (Germans think that’s an exfoliator). Imagine how dumb she’d feel once she found out he was ugly.

Hideous as he was, though, Hitler apparently had good taste in globes. And that, through a series of strange events, now has Tom Cruise hovering on the brink of a huge gaping lawsuit.

Did Coldplay Steal Their Dreary Tunes From Joe Satriani?

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Imagine if you realised that a song you wrote sounded quite like Coldplay – you’d kill yourself out of shame, wouldn’t you.

Well, not if you’re Joe Satriani. Joe’s claiming that Coldplay ripped off chunks his song If I Could Fly in Viva La Vida, and he’s suing the band for everything they’ve got – so essentially a U2 songbook, some tatty faux-Napoleonic jackets and a scrawny wife who always looks miserable.

Why wasn’t the comparison between the songs pointed out sooner? Because everyone knows that if you own a Coldplay album and a Joe Satriani album, you must be drowned like a witch, that’s why.