With her rural upbringing, lax attitude to interpersonal sex education and hooters, Sarah Palin’s biggest fan should be Pamela Anderson.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin. She hates Sarah Palin’s stance on hunting, she hates Sarah Palin’s creationist beliefs and she hates Sarah Palin’s stupid voice, which is all like “Wer wer wer.” In fact, Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin so much that she’s told her to “suck it” on camera.

And when Pamela Anderson tells you to suck it, it’s not a request, it’s an order. Pamela Anderson literally wants you to suck it. Right now. Here and now, on this speedboat, Pamela Anderson wants you to suck it. She’s going to film it as well, so long as you’re cool with it. It’s not like it’s going to end up on the internet or anything.

We’ll say one thing for Sarah Palin – she might make us want to club our own faces into sludge every time she opens her mouth, but she’s quite good at winding the celebrities up.

So far, celebrity criticism of Sarah Palin has come in two forms – the considered, thoughtful arguments of Matt Damon and Diddy spinning around in his garden going “Wheeee!” and filming it. But now a third wave has arrived, and it’s got hepatitis.

As we previously mentioned, Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson have a lot in common. Both of them had their first brush with fame by exploiting their bodies, both have used drugs in the past, both of them were basically brought up by toothless bearded hicks in log cabins in the middle of the woods and both are still weirdly sexualised even though one looks like a blistered strip of orange leather and the other one looks like a Moomin who’s gone legit, bought a used Vauxhall Tigra and decided to open up a nail salon.

However, there’s one thing that separates Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson, and that’s animal rights. Show a picture of a fox to Pamela Anderson and she’ll go on a march to protect them, write letters about fox welfare to the head of every government in the world and probably marry a fox just for the hell of it; but show a picture of a fox to Sarah Palin and she’ll leap in a helicopter and bazooka it right out of your hands.

And that’s why the very mention of Sarah Palin’s name prompted this little tantrum by Pamela Anderson recently…

That told you, Sarah Palin. Now, if Barack Obama ends up winning the election, we hope it’s only right that he recognises all Pamela Anderson’s hard work in getting him the job and awards her with something suitably grand to show his gratitude, like a statue or a job on the cabinet. There is a Secretary For Spazzy Fucking Counterproductive Red Carpet Outbursts, isn’t there?