That's because Eva Mendes has never crashed her car drunk, had public drug-addled razorblade fights with men about a prostitute or called anyone 'Sugartits' – all tell-tale signs of the rehab-bound.

But never mind that, because Eva Mendes has gone to rehab. And she's been there for several weeks. And she couldn't even be bothered to shave off all her hair in front of a swarm of paparazzi first. What a selfish bitch.

Eva Mendes, although recently named as one of the most desirable women in the world, likes to keep herself to herself. Well, apart from that film she was in where she kept sticking her fingers down her pants. That wasn't especially private of her. But generally, yes, Eva Mendes seemed like the retiring type.

We always assumed that this was because Eva Mendes was a sweet, shy girl who didn't care much for the trappings of fame. Turns out, though, that Eva Mendes was avoiding the limelight because she was off her shit on drugs all the time.

Probably. It's been reported that Eva Mendes – who, let's not forget, almost became a freaking nun – has been holed up in Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab facility for several weeks while she attempts to overcome what's believed to be a substance abuse problem. People reports:

Eva Mendes checked into Utah's Cirque Lodge and has been in the facility, which deals with substance-abuse problems, for several weeks. "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details," her rep told PEOPLE Friday. 

Looking back it all seems so obvious – not only was Eva Mendes fairly convincing in her role as a drug-addict in We Own The Night, but she also agreed to star in Ghost Rider with Nicolas Cage, and only drug addicts or the legally brain-deficient would have done that.

Again, no word on what exact substance addiction Eva Mendes is actually in rehab for, but our main guess would either be fake tanning agent or Toilet Duck. In fact, there's something highly fishy about this Eva Mendes rehab story – having seen Hitch, 2 Fast 2 Furious and Will Smith's video for Miami, we're buggered if Eva Mendes even knows what substance is.

Worst of all, though, if Eva Mendes is in rehab then it means that PETA is being endorsed by a drug addict. We think that means it's OK to start beating up duckings again.

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Eva Mendes In Rehab - People