Jessie J went from being ‘quite promising’ to ‘gigantic irritant’ almost overnight. There’s something incredibly cold and desperate about her (and not in a fun way). She’s started to enjoy the smell of her own farts while everyone else is dry heaving in the vicinity.
Of course, it ain’t easy being a new pop star. Everyone is prodding and poking you, comparing you to other artists and, in the case of Jessie J, noticing how you can’t reign it in a bit, reducing every single song to a nauseating lesson in vocal gymnastics and neediness.
And so, with that, the singer was keen to namedrop someone genuinely famous so she seems like the real deal to everyone who has tired of her already. And that name is the bafflingly likeable Katy Perry who was, get this, available to give the Brit no-mark some counselling.
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We don’t mind that Jessie J if we’re being honest. Like Adele, Kate Nash and Amy Winehouse, she is a by-product of the Brit School which has spawned all types of musicians making inoffensive pop.
Basically, if you want a career in music, then attending this school will boost your chances – in the way that if you want to get into British politics, studying privately Eton will do wonders compared to those rotting in state education.
Topping all sorts of lists that we’ll never be asked to contribute to, Jessie J seems to have been tipped by everyone as one to watch. She came top of a BBC sound of 2011 poll and won a critics choice at the Brit awards. Now with the highest of expectations placed on her back, she now has to deliver and make sure she’s worthy of her awards. Like most of the horses at the recent Grand National, she’s taken a slight fall by not winning over a crowd of drunken spectators.
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Being a student might give you a degree printed on a fancy bit of paper, but the three years studying for it can be a bit of a drag. There are highs when most nights-out consist of getting drunk for less than £5.
However, when it comes to vomiting up your insides the next morning, some people regret drinking cheap Hungarian Vodka that’s laced with lead.
After graduation, most students realise that the three years spent earning a degree in “advance shelf construction” was a waste of time all whilst having a huge debt to pay off.
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Anyone out there worried about upcoming exams?
We know how you feel here at hecklerspray. We've got something of a test coming up ourselves. Well, it's actually more of a 'court case', to be honest, but we can assure you that those nervous jitters are completely the same. Hell – if we fail that all-important 'why exactly where you stood on a box looking inside Hilary Duff's dressing room' segment, we don't know what we're going to do.
Seriously, though, kids: exams are important. Study hard and stay in school. Yeah, yeah, we know it may be more tempting to sniff loads of glue and try to hoist up Tracy Ashman's skirt behind the bike shed than to sit down and ponder over equations. But no-one ever said life was going to be fun. You hear us? No-one.
Besides. You could always take consolation in one small thing. Apparently you can now use Wikipedia as a valuable research tool.
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