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Strictly Come Dancing

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Gillian Taylforth Booted Out

by Stuart Heritage

Last night, the Strictly Come Dancing ladies had their first chance to convince the public that they weren’t cack, and Gillian Taylforth failed.

According to one of the Strictly Come Dancing judges, the thing that left Gillian Taylforth down the most was all her ‘gapping’ – a term so obscene sounding it almost made us bring our tea back up. But we shouldn’t get too downhearted – at least the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off wasn’t between Gillian and Jessie Wallace. That would have been like watching a spangly version of Jeremy Kyle, and nobody needs that.

Anyway, with Gillian Taylforth gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s our recap of the girls, starting with Jessie Wallace and Christine Bleakley…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Andrew Castle

by Stuart Heritage

Just one day to go until the next episode of Strictly Come Dancing is broadcast! We’re excited – so excited we think we might poo.

Just think – all those pretty female celebrities, and all those normal-looking female celebrities who seem to think they’re prettier than they are just because they’re famous. Dancing! On TV! It’s going to be an especially exciting episode of Strictly Come Dancing because we hear that if Jodie Kidd hurts herself, Bruce Forsyth gets to cover her with a blanket and shoot her.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Andrew Castle…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: John Sergeant

by Stuart Heritage

We’re continuing our first-week recap of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing with the man emerging in some quarters as a potential favourite – John Sergeant.

But before we do that, we’ve got just enough time to look forward to the upcoming Strictly Come Dancing, which is an all-female special. We don’t know what’s more exciting – the thought of using up three hours of our weekend watching Strictly Come Dancing, or the glum realisation that Jessie Wallace will probably be wearing something inappropriately revealing during it. Sigh.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for John Sergeant…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Gary Rhodes

by Stuart Heritage

These midweek lulls between Strictly Come Dancing worry us – but not because we like Strictly Come Dancing or anything.

No, instead the only contact we have with Strictly Come Dancing at this point is with Strictly Come Dancing It Takes Two, and that’s what worries us. This isn’t just the start of Strictly Come Dancing’s annual season, you know – it’s the start of hecklerspray’s annual inexplicable and totally regrettable ‘thing for Claudia Winkleman’ season, too. Pray for us, readers.

Anyway, back to the recap of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. Today we’re looking at Gary Rhodes…

[More...] Gary Rhodes – In a world stuffed with knobhead chefs, Gary Rhodes stands head and shoulders above everyone else. Swaggering, constantly unhappy and even more pointlessly obsessed with his own moobs than Gordon Ramsay, Gary Rhodes was either going to ace Strictly Come Dancing or destroy his reputation on it. And, guess what, it’s the latter. So preoccupied with perfection that he pretty much spent his entire five-week preseason training making sure he got the first step dead-on, Gary’s Ch Cha Cha to Hippy Hippy Shake ended up being indescribably bad. He was out of time with everything, his partner seemed to have an epileptic fit fairly early on and there was a bewildering part in the middle where she bent over and he sort of bongoed up and down on her back for no logical reason. Usually Strictly Come Dancing has one dancer who’s awful but stays in because they’re funny. Gary Rhodes isn’t even likeable enough for that to happen, we fear. Well, we don’t fear. He’s shit. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Tomorrow – the Strictly Come Dancing recap for lovely old John Sergeant.

These midweek lulls between Strictly Come Dancing worry us - but not because we like Strictly Come Dancing or anything. No, instead the only contact we have with Strictly Come Dancing at this point is with Strictly Come Dancing It Takes Two, and that's what worries us. This isn't just the start of Strictly Come Dancing's annual season, you know - it's the start of hecklerspray's annual inexplicable and totally regrettable 'thing for Claudia Winkleman' season, too. Pray for us, readers. Anyway, back to the recap of Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing. Today we're looking at Gary Rhodes... [More...] Gary Rhodes - In a world stuffed with knobhead chefs, Gary Rhodes stands head and shoulders above everyone else. Swaggering, constantly unhappy and even more pointlessly obsessed with his own moobs than Gordon Ramsay, Gary Rhodes was either going to ace Strictly Come Dancing or destroy his reputation on it. And, guess what, it's the latter. So preoccupied with perfection that he pretty much spent his entire five-week preseason training making sure he got the first step dead-on, Gary's Ch Cha Cha to Hippy Hippy Shake ended up being indescribably bad. He was out of time with everything, his partner seemed to have an epileptic fit fairly early on and there was a bewildering part in the middle where she bent over and he sort of bongoed up and down on her back for no logical reason. Usually Strictly Come Dancing has one dancer who's awful but stays in because they're funny. Gary Rhodes isn't even likeable enough for that to happen, we fear. Well, we don't fear. He's shit. Strictly Come Dancing score - 17 Tomorrow - the Strictly Come Dancing recap for lovely old John Sergeant.
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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Austin Healy & Mark Foster

by Stuart Heritage

Chances are you’re not as excited as we are about the return of Strictly Come Dancing. How excited are we? Quite excited. Beat that, losers.

What are we excited about? To see if Don Warrington can improve his form following his near dismissal from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday? No. We want to see if Lisa Snowdon actually loves herself as she was making out on this week’s show. Dear God, we hope she doesn’t. That’d be obscene.

Anyway, we should really crack on with our Strictly Come Dancing recap of Saturday’s show. So here it is, and today we’re looking at Austin Healy and Mark Foster…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Phil Daniels Gone, Don To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing is back! Woo! And it’s hijacking about 15 hours of your weekend again! Woo! And Phil Daniels isn’t in it any more! Woo!

On yesterday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Phil Daniels was thrown out after the dance-off. It’s not a tremendous surprise – his waltz to I Have Nothing was utterly devoid of interest apart from the way that his partner had a couple of ferrets stapled to his arms and at one point he looked a bit like a butler running for his life through a rat infestation – but he’ll be sadly missed. Well, not sadly. And he’s not going to be missed much, either. Oh well.

But who the hell does that leave in Strictly Come Dancing? And how did they do this weekend? Here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers and Don Warrington…

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Sharon Osbourne: ‘Screw You ITV! I Squawk For The BBC Now’

by Paul Sorrenti

In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazi’s in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC.

Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone in vote or something. Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back.

But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years and yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side, the poor fella – as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated, under-informed, ear-ache hanging about the place.

In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazi’s in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC. Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone in vote or something. Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back. But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years and yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side, the poor fella - as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated, under-informed, ear-ache hanging about the place.
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Kate Garraway Wins Cash For Not Shagging That Dancer

by Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Strictly Come Dancing is that all the celebrities are clearly sleeping with their dance partners. Clearly.

Except one. GMTV’s Kate Garraway – who took part in last year’s Strictly Come Dancing – definitely didn’t have sex with her chinny professional partner Anton Du Beke, and if you say she did you have to give her loads of money.

Which is what the Sunday Mirror has done after publishing a story claiming that Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke were having an affair. In retrospect it seems like a silly claim – the thought of a Garraway/Du Beke affair seems ludicrous. Because, well, because he’s a massive chinny chin machine with a great big chinny chin.

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EXCLUSIVE: Brand New Alesha Dixon For You I Will Video

by Stuart Heritage

Alesha Dixon, remember her? Yes you do, she was the girl from Mis-Teeq who shouted everything like Pat Butcher impersonating a small dog. You know, the one whose husband had an affair with Javine off Eurovision.

OK, perhaps you know Alesha Dixon as the woman who won Strictly Come Dancing last year, beating such luminaries as That Woman Who Used To Be In EastEnders and A Bald Snooker Player. During Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth repeatedly told Alesha that she was ‘Europe’s Beyonce.’ And now that Alesha’s got a new single coming out, entitled For You I Will perhaps it’s time to see how true that prediction is. And we’ve got a teaser of the For You I Will video first. Lucky us!

But what’s For You I Will by Alesha Dixon like? It’s actually kind of alright, in a ‘don’t offend the grannies who watched Strictly Come Dancing’ kind of way. It’s a bit James Bond-y, Alesha looks pretty in the video, some of the instruments are made of bits of cars and – thankfully – there’s no UK Garage-style rapping in it. But the video does cut off after one minute and 40 seconds, so maybe the second verse is a nang dubplate ragga freestyle remix. Or something.

Let us know what you think of For You I Will by Alesha Dixon – out on iTunes on Monday – below, won’t you.

Alesha Dixon, remember her? Yes you do, she was the girl from Mis-Teeq who shouted everything like Pat Butcher impersonating a small dog. You know, the one whose husband had an affair with Javine off Eurovision. OK, perhaps you know Alesha Dixon as the woman who won Strictly Come Dancing last year, beating such luminaries as That Woman Who Used To Be In EastEnders and A Bald Snooker Player. During Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth repeatedly told Alesha that she was 'Europe's Beyonce.' And now that Alesha's got a new single coming out, entitled For You I Will perhaps it's time to see how true that prediction is. And we've got a teaser of the For You I Will video first. Lucky us! But what's For You I Will by Alesha Dixon like? It's actually kind of alright, in a 'don't offend the grannies who watched Strictly Come Dancing' kind of way. It's a bit James Bond-y, Alesha looks pretty in the video, some of the instruments are made of bits of cars and - thankfully - there's no UK Garage-style rapping in it. But the video does cut off after one minute and 40 seconds, so maybe the second verse is a nang dubplate ragga freestyle remix. Or something. Let us know what you think of For You I Will by Alesha Dixon - out on iTunes on Monday - below, won't you.
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Alesha Dixon Wins Strictly Come Dancing By Dancing

by Stuart Heritage

Perhaps the greatest Christmas present a woman can receive is the gift of a gaudy mirrorball that looks like it was bought from a car boot sale, and that’s what Alesha Dixon got after winning Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday.

Alesha Dixon won Strictly Come Dancing after a tense dance-off with her dancing rival Matt Di Angelo off EastEnders. Well, OK, maybe not tense – what with Alesha and Matt doing five dances each, all the old Strictly Come Dancing contestants doing a dance each, the Spice Girls singing a song accompanied by a dance and Bruce Forsyth doing a comedy song and dance number, watching the Strictly Come Dancing final felt a little bit like wading through treacle. But, hey, who cares – Alesha Dixon has now won Strictly Come Dancing and is now almost guaranteed to get this year’s Christmas number one.

No, wait, that’s the other one. What exactly do Strictly Come Dancing winners do again?

Perhaps the greatest Christmas present a woman can receive is the gift of a gaudy mirrorball that looks like it was bought from a car boot sale, and that's what Alesha Dixon got after winning Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday. Alesha Dixon won Strictly Come Dancing after a tense dance-off with her dancing rival Matt Di Angelo off EastEnders. Well, OK, maybe not tense - what with Alesha and Matt doing five dances each, all the old Strictly Come Dancing contestants doing a dance each, the Spice Girls singing a song accompanied by a dance and Bruce Forsyth doing a comedy song and dance number, watching the Strictly Come Dancing final felt a little bit like wading through treacle. But, hey, who cares - Alesha Dixon has now won Strictly Come Dancing and is now almost guaranteed to get this year's Christmas number one. No, wait, that's the other one. What exactly do Strictly Come Dancing winners do again?
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