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Strictly Come Dancing

John Sergeant Resigns From Strictly Come Dancing In A Strop

by Stuart Heritage

For weeks now, the British public have been keeping John Sergeant in Strictly Come Dancing for one reason and one reason alone.

And that’s because he’s old, fat, sweats a lot and when he dances he looks like a man who’s been dipped him in chip fat, plonked on an ice rink and had bullets fired at his shins. But regardless of that, John Sergeant had secured the public Strictly Come Dancing vote, much to the dismay of the judges and his fellow dancers.

But now John Sergeant has decided to fall on his sword. Not literally – although if you did give John Sergeant a sword and tell him to perform a dance with it he’d probably fall on it by accident and end up squirting pints of his guts into Tess Daly’s eye. What we mean is that John Sergeant has chosen to resign from Strictly Come Dancing.

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Rachel Stevens

by Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing recaps? Yes. Here. What of it?

You know, we’ve been thinking. Why doesn’t a respected man like John Sergeant admit that enough’s enough and his continued progress through Strictly Come Dancing is hurting more talented dancers? And now we know – it’s only Strictly Come Dancing that’s stopping him being a full-time Dave employee. No wonder he looks so desperate.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Austin Healey

by Stuart Heritage

It’s time for another edition of the hecklerspray recap for Strictly Come Dancing or, as we like to call it, Four Exasperated Judges.

Watching John Sergeant get through to next week’s Strictly Come Dancing yet again was an absolute joy. Not because we particularly enjoy watching John Sergeant dance, nor because we like deliberately ruining the credibility of reality TV shows, but because watching Bruce Forsyth dodder around murmuring “We have a situation” like an anxious string puppet afterwards was perhaps the greatest thing we’ve ever seen.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Cherie Lunghi Stumbles Off

by Stuart Heritage

Oh great, now we’re in for another week of bitching about John Sergeant – Cherie Lunghi’s out of Strictly Come Dancing.

Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss – for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday’s dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to “see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out”. We’re pleased she didn’t oblige, because we’re pretty sure they meant her clitoris.

But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

Oh great, now we're in for another week of bitching about John Sergeant - Cherie Lunghi's out of Strictly Come Dancing. Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss - for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday's dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to "see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out". We're pleased she didn't oblige, because we're pretty sure they meant her clitoris. But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who's going to win? Here's part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon...
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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: John Sergeant & Lisa Snowdon

by Stuart Heritage

It’s the final day of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week.

And that means, in all honesty, it’s probably the final time we’ll get to write about John Sergeant as a properly-functioning contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. As the judges proved last week, they’re willing to get as nasty as possible if it gets him out, and it looks like they might be swaying public opinion, too. You don’t want them to win, do you? At least one of them has a face like a wet verruca. Vote John.

And, funnily enough, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Rachel Stevens

by Stuart Heritage

Can’t remember what happened in the third quarter of last Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? Good job we’re here, then.

This whole Strictly Come Dancing kerfuffle about John Sergeant hasn’t died down any yet, has it? Now John has claimed that the Strictly Come Dancing judges should all resign if they don’t like the way the public keeps voting him through. Honestly, this better end up with actual punches being thrown on Saturday’s show or we’ll refuse to pay our license fee any more.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Austin Healey & Cherie Lunghi

by Stuart Heritage

Ready? Are you ready for this week’s second batch of Strictly Come Dancing recaps? Good. We can tell if you’re lying, you know.

On reflection, Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing was perhaps our favourite of the series so far, because it marked the point where the Strictly Come Dancing judges started to get really narked off with the viewers for not eliminating John Sergeant. Why, if we were so inclined we’d say that everyone should keep John in next week too, just to see which judge does a dirty protest in their knickers first.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Heather Small Skids Off

by Stuart Heritage

It took four dance-offs, but it finally happened – last night Heather Small was finally booted off Strictly Come Dancing.

Due to something that’s either racism or an intense hatred of M People, depending on if you ask News Of The World or us, Heather Small’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Rebel Rebel just couldn’t cut the mustard with the viewers. Ironically, this was despite it being less offensively porny than her routine from last week, but admittedly that’s not hard – actual porn is less offensively porny than Heather Small was last week.

But now Heather Small is gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recaps, for Tom Chambers and Jodie Kidd…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Rachel Stevens

by Stuart Heritage

Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week – but don’t be sad, because we’ll be back next week. And the week after. And the week after that. Forever, basically.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing should prove to be an exciting one, because it seems as if all the dancers will be performing whatever dances they like again. We hear that Tom Chambers is doing a Quickstep, Cherie Lunghi’s dancing a Waltz and John Sergeant is going to do the exact same dance as always and still get through anyway because of his lovely big fat face.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Cherie, John & Tom

by Stuart Heritage

Here it comes, another blast of Strictly Come Dancing recaps. You’ll miss them when they’ve gone, you know.

But first, let’s take another look at how close Len Goodman is getting to his full-scale nervous breakdown. This week, we’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter how much he slags off the dancers, he never gives them a score below six. Our bet is that at some point soon, the two warring sides of Len’s personality will break loose of each other, causing him to open a spooky hotel and kill everyone. We’ve seen Psycho. We know how it works.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, John Sergeant and Tom Chambers…

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