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Strictly Come Dancing

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Tom Chambers

by Stuart Heritage

The last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week! How utterly miserable for you all.

But don’t be miserable, because Strictly Come Dancing still has an hour and a half of screentime to fill up on Saturday, and there are only four dancers left. You know what that means? Twelve dances each and training montages that last until everyone wants to kill themselves. Hooray!

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Austin Healey

by Stuart Heritage

Time for some more Strictly Come Dancing recaps, so hold onto your hat. No, literally, hold onto it. OK, go and get a hat and then hold onto it.

Back? Good. We’re so excited about Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because the standard of competition is now so high. Honestly, if we didn’t know that Lisa Snowdon will get voted off on Sunday, the tension would be killing us.

But until then, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Austin Healey…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Lisa Snowdon

by Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing recaps! Come on, not many left. That has to be a good thing, right?

Actually, we’ve noticed a horrifying trend in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. John Sergeant left Strictly Come Dancing and he released a Christmas single. Christine Bleakley left Strictly Come Dancing and she released a Christmas single. So here’s the plan – let’s make Rachel Stevens win Strictly Come Dancing, because the last thing we need is any more hapless wailing coming out of her gob. OK?

Good. Then here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

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John Sergeant Proves He Doesn’t Get It, Records Christmas Song

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular.

And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona’s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.

But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.

Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular. And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes - he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona's place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That's a dealbreaker. But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo... what? John Sergeant isn't too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he's bringing out a Christmas single? And it's a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here's a challenge - you've got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won't be able to.
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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley Mooches Off

by Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing is going down to the wire now, and only the best dancers can survive. Christine Bleakley, for those of you who have joined the party late, wasn’t one of the best dancers.

Some will blame Christine’s lack of technical ability for her Strictly Come Dancing exit last night. Some will blame the frightening Meatloaf haircut she sported during her first dance of the night. Us? We’re pinning Christine’s failure solely on the fact that she hired Felicity Kendal as an acting coach this week. Felicity blinking Kendal. Oh, if only her dances were about short muddy women from the 1970s, yesterday’s result could have been so very different.

But still, Christine Bleakley is out of Strictly Come Dancing, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Rachel Stevens & Austin Healey

by Stuart Heritage

Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week. But don’t be sad – we’ll be back again. And again. And again. Like a recurring nightmare in many ways.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing is going to be one of the hardest-fought yet, and we can’t wait. Mainly it’s because Lisa Snowdon will probably get voted into the dance-off again and she’ll cry, and we get off on watching broken women. Seriously. We do. We’re not joking. We actually do.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Rachel Stevens and Austin Healey…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Tom Chambers

by Stuart Heritage

And here’s another batch of Strictly Come Dancing recaps. Would you expect anything less from us? You would? Oh.

We’re getting towards the end of Strictly Come Dancing now and, as such, only the strongest competitors are left in the running. Well, the strongest competitors and Christine Bleakley, who is clearly worse than everyone else but keeps getting voted through by the public. We think that means she’ll have resigned by Friday.

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley

by Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing is just a few weeks from being over, so let’s celebrate that with some Strictly Come Dancing recaps.

As well as chucking out Jodie Kidd, Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing also marked the last dance by John Sergeant after his controversial resignation last week. And, if anything, it only strengthened our crush on his dance partner Kristina Rihanoff. After all, who doesn’t love a girl who can’t even go three poxy seconds without breaking down in tears like some sort of monstrous goon? Sexy.

So here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Jodie Kidd Skids Out

by Stuart Heritage

You people have lost heart – after ironically keeping John Sergeant on Strictly Come Dancing forever, you couldn’t even do the same for Jodie Kidd.

Last night Jodie Kidd became the latest contestant to be eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing. Her jive to Great Balls Of Fire was filled with strangulation, piggybacks and enough lyric-mouthing to fill a million soul-destroying YouTube video, but that couldn’t stop it looking like either the climax to Godzilla Vs King Kong or a wildly malfunctioning piece of construction machinery. Still, Strictly Come Dancing’s loss is the world of drug dealing’s gain. Allegedly.

But now Jodie Kidd is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: John’s Long Gone

by Stuart Heritage

So as you’ve all heard, John Sergeant has left Strictly Come Dancing of his own accord – but don’t be sad.

Although yesterday John’s resignation may have felt like a punch to the stomach for everyone who enjoys looking at Bruce Forsyth’s anguished face, we need to face the facts. In the cold light of day, all that’s happened is a fat man has left a TV show about dancing. That’s all. Besides, ironic voters shouldn’t be too upset – there’s still Jodie Kidd.

Anyway, this is a sort of vaguely obituary-themed set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers, who nobody really cares about today…

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