Holly Valance, who remarkably is only 28, has announced to the world, while pimping herself at a promotional event while dressed as a cave-girl, that she’s gone and got herself engaged to a millionaire.
Presumably, we’re all supposed to be crestfallen at this news like we all still fancy her or something, despite the fact that, if it wasn’t for Strictly Come Dancing, we probably would’ve forgotten she existed.
Anyway, thanks to getting off with a millionaire, the proposal wasn’t a Half Price Jewellers half-sov while on one-knee in a Wetherspoons. It was fire-based.
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It must be awful when you’ve become so fat, so disgustingly obese, so very massive that you have you’re own blood group and that blood group is Rocky Road.
So absurdly gargantuan that the only way to way to lose weight is resort to some serious cosmetic surgery that sucks out all the little fat babies that Domino’s Pizza lay inside you and sends them to lipid Heaven.
Sounds horrible doesn’t it?
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Fresh from the unparalleled success of our Young Apprentice live blog, hecklerspray are reluctant to announce our Strictly Come Dancing final brought to you by our regular Strictly columnist Jacki Evans and Michael Park, a man who has never seen Strictly Come Dancing before. Ever. Get your scorecards ready and remember that you can comment on the live blog in the comment box or use our twitter hashtag #HSSCD.
Do you remember the days when standing ovations meant something? When the simple act of standing up and doing some clapping meant you’d seen something really truly fantastic? Yes? Well, last night’s Strictly Come Dancing was out to crush those memories. Crush them to pieces.
Because last night wasn’t just any Strictly. No, it was the semi-final, which meant that the five remaining “celebrities” had to dance twice and the audience had to give every single last one of the performances a standing ovation just to really destroy any meaning the tradition may have once had. They even gave Alex Jones two ovations. Alex Jones.
Yes, that’s right, she was still there.
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This week on Strictly, it wasn’t just the quarter finals. Oh no, that wouldn’t be anywhere near exciting enough. So the producers came up with a hastily-thought-up-and-not-at-all-stolen-from-the-X Factor theme.
And so we had Strictly Movie Week. Which was mostly an excuse for atrocious VTs featuring some truly, truly terrible acting. And some tights.
Oh yes, the wardrobe department was out to kill everyone’s mad sexual love of Harry McFly by putting him in pair of bright green tights and shoving him in a forest. Apparently it was because he was pretending to be Robin Hood, but really, we know it was because housewives all over the country had suddenly become deeply unsatisfied with their balding husbands thanks to Harry’s arms. And so, keen to avoid a spike in divorce rates, there were tights.
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There’s nothing better than a nice antique leather chair to help you relax after a long day at work.
Well, this theory may be put to the test with the announcement that Nancy Dell’Olio is to pose naked in an upcoming edition of everybody’s favourite spunk-rag, Playboy.
The Strictly Come Dancing star is apparently really eager to show everyone just what Iggy Pop’s chuff would look like if he were a woman.
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Wasn’t last week’s Strictly jolly exciting, what with all the thousands of people and the being at Wembley? Who cares that they finally got rid of World’s Happiest Man Russell Grant; it was WEMBLEY and that is supposed to be AMAZING.
Everyone, everywhere was talking about it. If by “everyone”, you mean the Strictly contestants. And by “everywhere” you mean backstage at Strictly.
Still, plastic-faced Brendan was clearly very unhappy about missing out on Wembley after Artem’s miraculous recovery. So unhappy that he launched a despicable plan to get himself back on the show this week. But rather than attacking Artem, he decided to go for Artem’s evil twin Robin. They said on the VT that Robin was in hospital with a “severe foot infection”, but we all know that Brendan injected him with nasty foot plague.
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Ah, Wembley Arena. That great big, soulless, cavernous hole in the suburbs of London. Nowhere’s better at sucking all joy out of an event. And this week, it got to consume all atmosphere from a Very Special Strictly Come Dancing.
Yes, this week Strictly decamped to an overhyped aircraft hanger in aid of Children in Need. They’d sold tickets for the kids, or something. Despite everyone’s forced enthusiasm, it was pretty much the same as always. Except that our remaining celebs found themselves faced with a dancefloor six times bigger than normal, so the dance routines involved more running about than usual.
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Strictly Come Dancing Final Live Blog!
by Michael Park on December 17, 2011 0 Comments
Fresh from the unparalleled success of our Young Apprentice live blog, hecklerspray are reluctant to announce our Strictly Come Dancing final brought to you by our regular Strictly columnist Jacki Evans and Michael Park, a man who has never seen Strictly Come Dancing before. Ever. Get your scorecards ready and remember that you can comment on the live blog in the comment box or use our twitter hashtag #HSSCD.