A doctor, Playboy and Nazis. With just three clues we want you, our intrepid readers, to guess what this story could possibly be about. Though that does mean ignoring the picture next to this text. And the headline. Hmm…

That’s right, it’s Tom Cruise News! Was there ever any doubt?

Yes, it would seem we live in a world where it makes more than enough sense for a comment in Playboy magazine by a TV doctor to result in said doctor being likened to a Nazi, on behalf of the Cruiser’s legal representation. We at hecklerspray are confused and annoyed by this world, but we soldier on.

It all started a few days ago when it was revealed that television doctor Drew Pinsky had spoken of Cruise’s affiliation with Scientology, remarking to Playboy magazine (possibly when surrounded by naked breasts):

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt.”

Now, likening followers of Scientology to strange behaviour may seem like a perfectly sensible and reasonable summation, and even going so far as to bring a mental illness into things is sure to strike anyone as making perfect sense, especially when referring to how they think the thing they’re following is a bona-fide religion.

But not Tom Cruise, oh no – he seemed to take issue with this statement. Well, through his lawyer, Bert Fields, at least. Obviously unhappy with what he saw as a ridiculous overstatement that no one in their right mind could possibly come to, Fields issued this response:

“The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

We do feel the need to point out that Joseph Goebbels – though he may have done some evil things in his time on the planet – certainly did not liken following Scientology to mental illness. Most likely because Goebbels died seven years before the religion was invented, but there may be other mitigating circumstances too.

Now if hecklerspray were likened to a famous Nazi bastard, we would respond with fierce words and likely brutal force – we don’t stand for no jibba jabba round these parts. But it would seem the good (or evil, if you believe Cruise and co.) doctor is cut from a different cloth altogether, as he soon issued an apologetic statement, which read:

“Although Mr. Fields’s intent is clearly to slander and discredit Dr. Drew, under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise, whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand.”

What exactly he was trying to do, by comparing followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) to persons of ill mental health, we may never know. But apparently Dr Drew wasn’t trying to insinuate that followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) were likely sufferers of mental illness. Obviously.

What Dr Drew should have done was liken Tom Cruise, the stoic follower of Scientology, to a Nazi. It would have made far more sense. Or Jesus.