That’s the sorry lesson learnt by Eric and June Emmett, two of the human beings that David and Victoria Beckham employ as house slaves. According to reports, the Emmetts have been taken into custody for allegedly half-inching property belonging to the Beckhams and selling it on eBay.

It just goes to show that when you’re as famous as the Beckhams are, you can’t trust anyone – not even your own staff. It’s not so much the fact that the Emmetts allegedly stole football shirts and designer dresses that upset the Beckhams but, now that the household copy of The Little Red Hen Goes To Town has been swiped, David’s reading ability is bound to be set back weeks, if not months.

Everyone steals things. Maybe it’s sweets, maybe it’s ideas, maybe it’s top secret government documents, but everyone definitely has at one point or another stolen something. Us? We’ve got a nice little stationery-stealing racket going. Unfortunately, we only steal when we’re working from home, which means we’re basically just stealing from ourselves. Conversely, we’re going to give ourselves a final written notice if we ever catch ourselves doing it again, so we have to do it carefully when we’re not looking.

Anyway, if you were working for David and Victoria Beckham, you’d definitely steal something from them, wouldn’t you? They both earn enough to be able to replace whatever trinkets you took, and their home contents are bound to be covered by plenty of insurance. No, you’d definitely steal from David and Victoria Beckham. But you wouldn’t put the stolen goods on eBay where everyone can see them. Only the worst kind of dribble-skulled, honking dimwit would think about doing something as obviously stupid as that.

So let’s introduce you to Eric and June Emmett, two of the Beckhams’ servants who allegedly stole their stuff and sold it on eBay. E! Online reports:

Per U.K. reports, the purported thieves, 55-year-old Eric Emmett and his 56-year-old wife, June, have been working at the $22 million “Beckhingham Palace” for more a decade. The staffers supposedly swiped soccer jerseys and boots belonging to Becks, as well as designer dresses worn by the erstwhile Posh Spice. The memorabilia was then put up for sale on the auction site, raking in thousands of dollars.

According to reports, David and Victoria Beckham only got wise to this alleged pilfering when Victoria Beckham’s parents saw the items on eBay being sold by a seller called Posh & Becks.

The Emmetts deny all charges but, just to reiterate, they’re accused of stealing valuable and sentimental items from the home of David and Victoria Beckham and not just selling them on eBay where it’s easy to trace the seller, but selling them under the one name that anybody associated with the Beckhams would search eBay for if they were looking for stolen Beckham goods.

No wonder David and Victoria Beckham don’t want to employ the Emmetts any longer. It’s not because they’ve destroyed the bond of trust that exists between servant and master, but because – if these charges are true – it sounds like they’re so stupid that it’s only a matter of time before they take Romeo’s eye out with a strimmer.

Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.

We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.

You know what gives us the horn? Pictures of sexually-irresponsible teenagers having their knockers chewed on by babies. Phwoar.

Of course, we’re joking. If we had to make a list of all the sexiest things in the world, that scenario we just described would be right near the bottom, sandwiched right between ‘your nan doing a striptease to Push It by Salt-N-Pepa‘ and ‘1950s production line videos about minced beef’. But it sounds as if there’s one stone-cold lunatic in the world that does find the idea of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding sexy and, worse still, they think that others might as well.

You see, when she’s not writing notes that make her mother cry or failing to be empathetic towards other sexually-clumsy teenagers, Jamie Lynn Spears has a baby to raise. And, as everybody knows, part of raising a baby as its mother involves jabbing your tit in its mouth from time to time to stop it crying.

And, of course, part of raising a baby as its father involves taking photos of the mother with her tit out, even though you’re basically mugging her of her precious dignity, and then getting the photo printed at Wal-Mart fully aware that several other people will see your teenage girlfriend’s breast in the process and possibly make copies of that breast and try to illegally distribute it for fun and/or profit.

In that case, Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is doing a bang-up job, because a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding that was taken on his camera and printed at a local Wal-Mart could have been duplicated several times by an employee, sparking a federal pornography investigation. The Sun reports:

Casey took a memory card of 12 family pictures to be developed at his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana. In the offending snap, Jamie Lynn’s left breast is exposed as she feeds daughter Maddie. Because she is under 18, selling the pictures, or buying them, could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting pornography – even though they weren’t taken for sexual purposes.

Whoever allegedly made copies of these Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding photos must be terrified at the moment – going to jail is bad enough, but going to jail because you got aroused by the sight of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit, and knowing that you’ll have to use the phrase ‘Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit’ when explaining your gap in employment during all future job interviews, is bound to put the fear of God into you.

But this story isn’t anywhere near as bad as it seems. For instance, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t lost the photo of her breastfeeding her baby, she just mistaken allowed it to possibly be copied by someone. And, so long as she still has the original photo, and therefore still has something to show her baby’s appalled friends in years to come, all’s not lost.

Level three comes when you get so weirdly enamoured with Joy Division that you suddenly decide that you have to own the gravestone of someone who was actually in Joy Division. Which someone did earlier this week.

Police are on the lookout for the thief who stole the gravestone of singer Ian Curtis from a cemetery in Cheshire on Monday night. Nobody knows exactly why anyone bothered to go to the effort of nicking Ian Curtis' gravestone, but police believe it's either the work of an obsessive Joy Division fan who wanted to be closer to his hero, or someone who needed to prop a window open or something. It has been quite hot lately, after all.

When we're showing people round our home, we always a bit embarrassed that we can't stop and say "And here's the gravestone of an iconic suicidal post-punk singer who hung himself close to 30 years ago. Nibbles, anyone?"

But there's one person who can – and they're, um, the person who stole Ian Curtis' gravestone earlier this week. Joy Division have always inspired an obsessive level of fervour in their fans, but previously nobody had bothered to worry about someone stealing Ian Curtis' gravestone because a) Ian Curtis has been dead for 28 years and it hadn't been stolen so far, and b) all Joy Division fans are basically ineffectual weaklings. 

That's a level of complacency that's resulted in one disastrous consequence – by some flaw of genetics, one Joy Division fan has managed to uproot Ian Curtis' gravestone and make off with it, leaving Cheshire police slightly befuddled. The Times reports:

Police announced today that the theft occurred between Monday lunch time and Tuesday morning at Macclesfield Cemetery on Prestbury Road… A Cheshire Police spokesman said: “It's an unusual theft, it's probably a good piece of memorabilia for someone. There is no CCTV in the area and there are no apparent leads as to who is responsible for the theft.”

It's a bit sad that someone has defaced the grave of a man just for the sake of a slab of rock, but the story isn't without its upsides – for instance, the old gravestone featured the engraving 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' after the Joy Division song, which is kind of grim. Perhaps on Ian Curtis' replacement gravestone they can engrave the title of a chirpier song, maybe Shaddup You Face or The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum).

One theory as to why someone chose now to steal Ian Curtis' gravestone is because of renewed interest in him following last year's biopic Control. If that's the case, then security should be doubled around Iggy Pop's gravestone before his biopic is released next year. Iggy Pop is dead, isn't he? He certainly looked it when we saw him on TV last week.

Anyway, we really can't see what all the fuss is about here – if the gravestone isn't on eBay by next weekend we'll be staggered.

Surely you can imagine her grave robbing at 3am whilst the rain lashes down? With a cigarette firmly shoved in her cakehole, she’ll scream to any passing squirrels “he’s mine all mine, they blamed me for his death. But they’re wrong! I’ll take him back where he belongs”. You can’t? Oh, shame on you.

We can, and yet our theory of Courtney Love scurrying off in the dead of the night to stuff and mount her dead husband was quickly shit on. It turns out that during a robbery in her LA home, the ashes of grunge’s only credible frontman were nicked. And some clothes and jewellery, lets not forget the small details. Maybe it was Dave Grohl being bonkers as usual and wanting to impersonate her. Drummers, mental aren’t they?

The NME had always reported that the location of Kurt Cobain’s ashes was a highly guarded secret, perhaps locked in a hidden vault five miles below the earth’s surface in Russia. Nope – turns out they were in Courney Love’s house all along. Emphasis on the ‘were’. The ever reliable News of the World reported:

She had kept the singer’s ashes in a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag along with a lock of his hair. But a couple of weeks ago, she was horrified to discover them gone, along with thousands of pounds worth of clothes and jewellery. Courtney said: “I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me.”I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal. If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do.”

So what’s basically happened is a shit for brains burglar has got more then he’s bargained for. Yup he/she might have gotten a few extra dollars after the robbery, but now they’ve got a funny magic powder on their hands.

Not that we encourage the consumption of the dead, but maybe trying a bit will bring the spirit of Kurt Cobain back into our lives! Who wouldn’t want a constantly depressed man grumbling about life all the time?

On seconds thought, screw that. We’re happy wearing our trendy zombie shoes that he brought out. It makes us feel cooler inside anyway.

Anybody?

To be true, it's actually Kurt's social security number that's making all the money right now – because somebody apparently stole it. And they've compiled quite a list of acquisitions with the number too – two copies of Celebrity Skin, a Red Box rental for Man On The Moon, lots rehab lunches… the list really does go on.

Or maybe Courtney Love had nothing to do with the theft of Cobain's Social. Perhaps our sources are getting crossed.

Kurt Cobain's identity has been pinched, and the thieves haven't even bought anything good with it. We'd buy a helicopter. Or a 1982 unwrapped first edition Battle-Cat. It's the only one we need to complete our collection, and our He-Man's getting tired o' walkin'. Courtney Love has recently brought the misdeeds of the identity thieves to the attention of the police. According to the NME:

"Kurt Cobain’s estate has been the victim of a mass defrauding. It’s believed that £36 million has been taken from the Nirvana songwriter’s account since 2003, including $3.2 million used to buy a mansion in New Jersey."

Love elaborates:

"I did a check on my deceased husband’s social security number and he has a house in New Brunswick, New Jersey. He bought it last year. I would like to know how. He should probably get his ass back home if that is the case.”

The good news is we think we know how to put an end to this – go to the house. It's right there, isn't it? The police must have the address sitting on a desk somewhere in size 12 Times New Roman font. So we say someone uses that address, goes to that fancy New Jersey mansion, walks up to that golden porch, rings the bell, and then pops Eddie Vedder right in the teeth when he opens the door.

Well, who else did you think it'd be?

Read More:

Kurt Cobain Going To Rutgers, Apparently – Philadelphia Weekly

Britney Spears is hot water with the owner of California petrol station after she appeared to indulge in a little bit of casual shoplifting on Friday. Her crime? Taking a blue plastic $1.39 lighter without paying for it. And Britney Spears has even admitted the crime, telling the obligatory gang of following photographers "I stole something. Oh, I'm bad!" But don't think this is the first time that Britney Spears has broken the law – she already has a very serious criminal record. It's called I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman! Thank you, thank you, we're here all week. Don't forget to try the veal.

Now that we know how much Britney Spears earns, the ways which we can use that information against her is endless. For example, if she wanted to, Britney Spears could afford to buy 6,370,083 blue plastic cigarette lighters every year. Evidently she doesn't, though, because it's much easier for her to go out on the rob instead.

It's been reported that on Friday Britney Spears snatched a blue $1.39 lighter from a petrol station in California without paying for it. While that may not seem as serious as, say, running a red light with your children in your car and a mobile phone held an inch away from your face or threatening to have people murdered, Britney's latest public indiscretion has got the petrol station owner – Jatinder Kaur – all riled up. He told People:

"Yes, Britney stole a blue lighter here last night. The lighter is $1.39. I'm hoping maybe the next time she comes back she will pay for it. I know she can afford to pay for it, but I'm not planning to file a police report. It's still not right for her to steal the lighter. I hope she will do the right thing the next time she comes here."

Quite why Britney Spears decided to steal the lighter is unclear, especially given her circumstances. After all, Britney knows that a phalanx of photographers is always around to record every tiny thing she ever does – so she could hardly expect to get away with it – plus Kevin Federline is inevitably going to use this as another reason to haul his custody battle with Britney back into court for the billionth round of custody negotiations, on the basis that he doesn't want his children to learn how to steal, even though with parents like those it'll be a minor miracle if they ever learn how to do anything other than dribble and fart.

Perhaps money is tighter than we assumed for Britney Spears. Her album Blackout has got '99p HMV Bargain Bin' written all over it, she's paying Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own and she needs all her cash to get the fat sucked out out of her arse. That can't leave a lot to spare, which means that either Britney Spears steals lighters from petrol stations or she has to light her cigarettes by banging rocks together for three hours like some sort of manky-looking caveman. What's a girl to do?

While there aren't likely to be any legal recriminations for Britney Spears following this shocking petrol station theft, our main worry is that Britney will become addicted to the thrill of lawbreaking. First it's a plastic $1.39 lighter, then maybe a family-sized bag of Maltesers, then a pair of shoes, then a car – the next thing we know Britney Spears will be pulling off elaborate Ocean's Eleven-style heists involving complicated electronic manipulation, confidence trickstering and all kinds of breathtakingly complex logistical work.

Oh, who are we kidding? Britney Spears looks like she hardly knows how to work buttons.

Read more:

Gas Station Owner to Britney: You Stole My Lighter! – People