stolen - HecklerSpray

Monster Created In USA As Bieber Street Sign Is Stolen

August 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber has created a monster. That’s right – the 4 week old heartthrob has managed to get a young, innocent girl and turn her into a jaded, cynical, coal hearted ghoul. Bieber, mixed with American politics, has torn out the heart of a fragile young girl, now destined for a life of jaded pain.

So what happened?

Do you remember young Caroline Gonzalez being made mayor of a Texan town? Well, the 11 year old’s first act as Boss Of You was to rename Main Street ‘Justin Bieber Way’. Real talk. However, the machinery of the world has bitten her on the backside, creating a ghoulish creature ready to ruin the world. When she’s old enough of course.

Ryan O’Neal Pilfers Andy Warhol Portrait As He Just Keeps Getting Weirder

June 23rd, 2011 By Michael Park

Serial daughter-flirter Ryan O’ Neal has been accused of stealing an Andy Warhol painting of Farrah Fawcett. The painting of the Charlie’s Angels star is said to be worth $30 million despite being a gash piece of half-arsed pop-art that not even Warhol himself would have been proud of.

The 70-year-old nutjob currently has the portrait of Farrah hanging above his bed even though the actress – who died in June 2009 – bequeathed the portrait to the University of Texas, where she studied before she became famous. Not that she was self-obsessed in any way, you understand. It’s just unfortunate that the UT hasn’t had many notable graduates.

According to Star Magazine, the university has hired a private investigator to establish the location of the missing artwork despite most people on earth now knowing that it is hanging above Mr O’Neal’s bed.

David Beckham’s Servants Allegedly ‘Nick All Of David Beckham’s Stuff’

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Just because David Beckham earns about £400 billion every second, it doesn’t mean you can go around pinching his things.

That’s the sorry lesson learnt by Eric and June Emmett, two of the human beings that David and Victoria Beckham employ as house slaves. According to reports, the Emmetts have been taken into custody for allegedly half-inching property belonging to the Beckhams and selling it on eBay.

It just goes to show that when you’re as famous as the Beckhams are, you can’t trust anyone – not even your own staff. It’s not so much the fact that the Emmetts allegedly stole football shirts and designer dresses that upset the Beckhams but, now that the household copy of The Little Red Hen Goes To Town has been swiped, David’s reading ability is bound to be set back weeks, if not months.

Jamie Lynn Spears Does Porn In A Vague, Creepy, Unsexy Way

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We don’t know who to feel more sorry for – Jamie Lynn Spears or the man who seems to think that a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding is sexy.

Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.

We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.

Someone Pinches A Miserable Rockstar’s Gravestone

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There are three medical levels of depression – level one is where you listen to Joy Division, level two is where you emotionally identify with Joy Division and level three…

Level three comes when you get so weirdly enamoured with Joy Division that you suddenly decide that you have to own the gravestone of someone who was actually in Joy Division. Which someone did earlier this week.

Police are on the lookout for the thief who stole the gravestone of singer Ian Curtis from a cemetery in Cheshire on Monday night. Nobody knows exactly why anyone bothered to go to the effort of nicking Ian Curtis' gravestone, but police believe it's either the work of an obsessive Joy Division fan who wanted to be closer to his hero, or someone who needed to prop a window open or something. It has been quite hot lately, after all.

Kurt Cobain’s Remains Toddle Off For A Jolly Summer Holiday

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

When we found out that Kurt Cobain’s remains had been nicked, we immediately jumped to one conclusion – that his husky ex-wife Courtney Love had to be involved.

Surely you can imagine her grave robbing at 3am whilst the rain lashes down? With a cigarette firmly shoved in her cakehole, she’ll scream to any passing squirrels “he’s mine all mine, they blamed me for his death. But they’re wrong! I’ll take him back where he belongs”. You can’t? Oh, shame on you.

We can, and yet our theory of Courtney Love scurrying off in the dead of the night to stuff and mount her dead husband was quickly shit on. It turns out that during a robbery in her LA home, the ashes of grunge’s only credible frontman were nicked. And some clothes and jewellery, lets not forget the small details. Maybe it was Dave Grohl being bonkers as usual and wanting to impersonate her. Drummers, mental aren’t they?

Britney Spears: Criminal Mastermind

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Robin Hood, Ned Kelly, Ronnie Biggs, Dick Turpin, Bonnie and Clyde – arch troublemaker Britney Spears has made sure that your boys took one hell of a beating.

Britney Spears is hot water with the owner of California petrol station after she appeared to indulge in a little bit of casual shoplifting on Friday. Her crime? Taking a blue plastic $1.39 lighter without paying for it. And Britney Spears has even admitted the crime, telling the obligatory gang of following photographers "I stole something. Oh, I'm bad!" But don't think this is the first time that Britney Spears has broken the law – she already has a very serious criminal record. It's called I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman! Thank you, thank you, we're here all week. Don't forget to try the veal.