Eamonn Holmes is a man famed for the legendary status of his gargantuan gob.

Not only is it capable of producing more crap than his backside on a day-to-day basis, but when it isn’t spewing verbal sewage it’s being stuffed with all manner of deep-fried goodies.

Well, let’s hope Eamonn has deep-fried his foot after he managed to, once again, get it firmly lodged between his gums during an interview on This Morning.

Holmboy was interviewing a woman who was described as a, “sex addict,” or slag as they’re oft’ known in certain parts of Essex, when he dared to ask her:

“If you need this five or six times a day, have you never thought about making a business of it? Charging for it?”

Taxi for Holmes.

It transpires that sex addicts don’t like it when you ask them why they don’t just become prostitutes, because apparently they’re people too.

Albeit people who like to blame their socially blossoming genitalia on an addiction, in the hope that people will feel sorry for them as opposed to questioning how many STIs they have or asking them if they’ve ever considered becoming a prostitute live on daytime TV.

THIS IS SERIOUS DAMMIT, STOP LAUGHING!

Oh, you weren’t?

The bonking bonkers lady in question, Crystal Warren, curtly told Uncle Eamonn that she didn’t want to go on the game because:

“Then it becomes a business, then I become maybe like a robot. This way I am enjoying it, I do it when I want to do it, I get to choose who I sleep with.”

It’s the business side of prostitution that’s definitely the worst part of it, after all, who really knows how you go about claiming condoms as a tax-deductible expense?

Seriously. HMRC wouldn’t return our calls.

Cheryl Cole is not only planning a divorce, but an STI check too, as she is worried that her husband Ashley’s penis may have infested her vagina with the fanny bacteria of Brooke Healy, according to The Star.

Brooke, a model, recently claimed that the marauding Chelsea left back managed to slip one into her empty net, having told her that he doesn’t like having a goalie involved, as they ruin the feeling he gets as his ball ripples round the back of the net.

It should be said that it's never been confirmed that Ashley Cole has just the one ball.

And so, as Cheryl doesn’t know where Miss Healy – let alone where Ashley – has been, and with the national papers full each-morning of suggestions that there may be a phalanx of other philanderers, she’s booking herself into the clinic just to make sure she isn’t littered with crabs.

A positive test result would be a terrible blow for the singer, who is no doubt well aware that her vagina is responsible for 98% of her career thus far; if it was to be compromised she knows there’d be an Alton Towers-esque queue of girls, each equipped with a fully functioning fanny, ready to take her place as the Queen of the Karaoke singers. Here’s hoping it is just thrush.

Although, if it is far more serious than that, that’d be good too as we can write a story on it, so do what you want – go crazy, get syphilis for all we care. Just please let
hecklerspray know about it first.

All the best.

Read more:

Cheryl Cole's 'STD Fear' – Entertainmentwise