This Aerosmith split is ugly, and not just because everyone involved in it looks like a voodoo doll made from medical waste.

No, it’s the bitterness that’s ugly. Steven Tyler has only been out of Aerosmith for a few days, and the rest of the band are already lining up to badmouth him as much as possible. Just yesterday Joe Perry complained to a radio station that Steven Tyler had recently hung up on him midway through a phonecall.

And that’s just the start. We also heard that Steven Tyler always steals the Coco Pops whenever the band buys a Kellogg’s Variety Pack, thinks that Joe Perry’s mum is a slag and once drew a cock and balls on the back of Brad Whitford’s bomber jacket in Tipp-Ex. The man is evil.

What we appear to have here is something we like to call un problème Gosselin. You see, as we reported yesterday, Aerosmith have split up. And, just like when Jon and Kate Gosselin split up, we’re expected to pick sides – are we Team Tyler or Team Aerosmith?

However, just like the Gosselin situation, we’re having trouble picking a side, because neither option is particularly appealing. Side with Aerosmith and you’re essentially voting to see the remnants of Aerosmith shamelessly trundle around the world ripping off fans with a show starring a two-bit replacement singer.

Side with Steven Tyler, though, and you’re basically endorsing the egocentric whims of knackered old sexagenarian who looks like a bad painting of a transvestite with gills and is interested in something called ‘Brand Tyler’, even though that sounds genuinely nightmarish.

See? It’s a lose-lose.

But to help our decision along, Joe Perry is doing his best to convince us all that Steven Tyler is a right old git. Yesterday he gave an interview to a Boston radio station where, among other things, he claimed that Tyler’s telephone etiquette is nothing short of abominable:

“I did call him when we were in Hawaii, because we had some gigs that were offered to us to do in South America — like, three gigs that we were gonna do in December. And I called him up and asked him if he would consider doing them, and he hung up on me about halfway through the conversation, so I kind of got the hint that he pretty much wants to be alone and wants to do his own thing.”

So we’ve heard from Aerosmith. What about Steven Tyler? Well, so far he’s keeping a dignified silence about the split – so silent, in fact, that not even Joe Perry seems to know why he left so suddenly. Actually, maybe this is what Brand Tyler involves – Steven Tyler disappearing from view and keeping his gigantic mouth shut for the rest of his life.

If that’s the case, we’ve made our choice. Go Brand Tyler. We’re Brand Tyler all the way.

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It’s weird when old people get divorced, isn’t it? You’re both going to be dead soon, so what’s the point?

Which brings us to Aerosmith. Despite having a combined age of the highest number you can possibly think of, Aerosmith have just decided to split up. Actually, no, that isn’t strictly true – Steven Tyler has decided to leave Aerosmith to concentrate on something called ‘Brand Tyler’, something that – if Steven Tyler’s appearance in the movie Be Cool is anything to go by – will be the very worst thing ever created by a human being in all of history.

As for Aerosmith? They might carry on without him. Idiots.

This isn’t an admission we’re particularly proud of, but we own Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. We know, OK? We know. We just quite like Guitar Hero and it’s got Complete Control by The Clash on it and it’s fun to play Livin’ On The Edge because it’s the stupidest song ever written. Please accept our apologies. But here’s the thing – we bought Guitar Hero: Aerosmith and then Aerosmith split up. On that basis, maybe we should invest in Guitar Hero: Metallica too. You never know.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves – Aerosmith is no more. Or at least Aerosmith in its current incarnation is no more. We’ll let Digital Spy do the explaining:

[Joe] Perry said: “Steven quit as far as I can tell. I don’t know any more than you do about it. I got off the plane two nights ago. I saw online that Steven said that he was going to leave the band. I don’t know for how long, indefinitely or whatever. Other than that, I don’t know.” Tyler, 61, said that he was going to move ahead with a solo career, concentrating on ‘Brand Tyler’.

This is bound to be a shock for both Aerosmith and the eight remaining Aerosmith fans who haven’t lost all of their cognitive function to the ravages of old age yet. But, that said, we can see why Steven Tyler has decided to leave Aerosmith. As far as we’re concerned, there are two clear reasons:

1 - Aerosmith has been cruel to Steven Tyler in recent years. Thanks to Aerosmith, Tyler has caught hepatitis, been to rehab, knackered his throat and fallen off a stage like some sort of ridiculous pensionable transvestite with woefully unsatisfactory motor skills. The man clearly needs a rest.

2 - Aerosmith are crap.

Now we’ll just have to see what happens next. There are already rumours that Aerosmith will simply replace Steven Tyler and move on without him. But that won’t really be Aerosmith, will it? Sure, it might sound like Sweet Emotion when the new line-up plays it, but if it’s not being wailed out by an old man who looks like a Janice Dickinson mannequin that’s been stitched together out of animal scrotums and dances like a monkey being anally molested with a pine cone, then it’s not going to fool anyone.

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Steven Tyler is proof that age ain’t nothing but a number – a fairly high number that mathematically means he’s old.

But that won’t stop him. He may be in his sixties, but Steven Tyler can still do everything that the kids do – like sing, dance, topple off the edge of a stage in the middle of an ill-advised bout of body-popping during an Aerosmith concert and get airlifted to hospital in a helicopter. Which, funnily enough, happened to him on Wednesday night in South Dakota.

Don’t worry, we have video of Steven Tyler’s hilarious (or tragic) fall after the jump.

If you ask us, this is taking the piss. Aerosmith are famously the poor man’s Rolling Stones, but there’s no need to take it to this level. Remember when Keith Richards injured his head by falling out of a coconut tree? Well, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has decided to rip off that moment by clattering off the edge of a stage during a concert and getting airlifted to hospital with injuries to his head, neck and shoulder. Honestly, it’s shameless.

According to reports, this is what happened – there was a power-cut in the middle of an Aerosmith concert in South Dakota on Wednesday, and to entertain the crowd while the issue was being remedied, Steven Tyler decided to keep the crowd entertained. He slipped, fell, and was airlifted to hospital ‘in good spirits’ as the concert was halted.

That’s according to reports but, according to this video, this is what happened…

You see? The reports were all lies. Steven Tyler wasn’t dancing to entertain the audience – he was simply leading everyone in a mass game of charades. Watch the video again – he’s clearly miming the 1972 arthouse film Helicopter Shhh Lionel Blair Wuh-Wuh-WAARRRGH Ouch. It’s obvious.

Anyway, this fall continues Steven Tyler’s lucky streak of creating gaps in Aerosmith’s schedule by buggering himself up. Not so long ago Tyler cut a tour short to have surgery on his throat, and then there was the time he caught hepatitis, the time he had to go to rehab, and now this.

In fact, Steven Tyler is getting so good at buggering himself up that it’ll be hard for him to keep it fresh from now on. Maybe during the next Aerosmith tour he can eat a bad oyster and vomit over the front three rows, or have a medieval knight in full armour charge onto the stage on horseback and run him through with a lance or something. He needs to think of something fast, because unfortunate body-related mishaps are swiftly becoming Steven Tyler’s USP.

However, at least Steven Tyler is showing people of his generation that they don’t have to do what society expects of them. No, they can dress up like a female drama teacher, nob around like the world’s most embarrassingly drunk dad at a wedding and spectacularly crock themselves in front of the entire world. That’s much better, isn’t it?

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Not the kind of smoking you’re thinking though – we mean we literally smoked them like the skins of a rotisserie chicken. Our intent was to capture a cool smokey aroma in every meal those cats ever ate. It’d be an understatement if we said our efforts went unappreciated, except for Fluffy.

He ate those skinned, savory rat skins by the dozen – he really couldn’t stop himself. After a while he killed and smoked every rat within a 16 block radius. When they were all gone neighborhood babies began to disappear. Now we’re not making any allegations here, but when we killed and smoked Fluffy cribs were just as full in the morning as they’d been the night before.

We do mean literally there, though, about smoking Fluffy. We wrapped him in a hand towel and twisted it shut at both ends. Our lungs probably have an inch of litter box in them. It’s because that cat pooped alot, it’s the price he paid. Steven Tyler can relate to this very real tale of Fluffy’s substance abuse.

Well that’s what his new rehab centre might tell us anyway.

When most people think of Aerosmith, they most likely want their late 80s album money back. Also they probably think Steven Tyler’s microphone would be a convenient place to need a nose blow.

And speaking of that Tyler guy – he’s had a string of bad luck, hasn’t he? He had a surgery that jacked-up his tour schedule, he’s like a sponge that soaks up nothing but hepatitis C, and his daughter is recently leaving the husband that Steve may or may not have enjoyed supporting financially.

And now he’s gone and locked himself in a rehab clinic. According TMZ:

“Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, 60, has checked himself into Las Encinas Hospital drug rehabilitation clinic — the place Dr. Drew practices — in Pasadena, Calif. It’s the same facility where the reality show “Celebrity Rehab” was filmed. Tyler is getting treatment for substance abuse.”

We don’t think Tyler will actually appear on Celebrity Rehab, but if he does we hope it’s with a freshly shaved head and a penchant for running down the halls claiming to be directly descended from Beelzebub. Hey – we all know it’s true, and if you play all his records backwards in alphabetical order you’ll see exactly what we mean.

Also if you cue it with the third lion roar at the beginning of The Wizard Of Oz you’ll see Aerosmith’s entire catalogue is an exact soundtrack to it.

Seriously – just you go look.

Read More:

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler Checks Into Rehab Facility: Report – MTV.Com