Imagine a long, slender sliver of beef jerky. Now, imagine it is covered entirely in human scarring. Imagine it twitching and yelping. Imagine the greasy residue it leaves on the counter as it moves from side-to-side. You’re imagining Steven Tyler having sex!
Well done you! And look! There’s some erupting acid-reflux!
See, Steven Tyler (the second best Mick Jagger impersonator after Jagger himself) wants to talk about sex. Y’know sex right? That awkward, awful hobby that requires you to take your clothes off and grunt like an asthmatic sow, hunched over like a defecating dog? Well Tyler likes to talk about sex because, in his world of geriatric cosiness, mentioning sex is still pretty shocking. Bless his little rubbery face.
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News has reached us here at hecklerspray of a really tragic event that should highlight age issues throughout our society. For too long people have gone about their daily lives, scarcely giving a thought to the older people in our society, people who are too old and frail to care for themselves properly.
As the economic slump continues and people find it just too damned expensive to squeeze out babies like they’re going out of fashion, the world’s population will continue to get older and it is to our older friends and neighbours that we must look to and offer a helping hand in their hour of need.
It’s news like this that really hammers that fact home.
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Aerosmith are an astonishing tale. They really are. Through drugs, women and one of the most average back catalogues in rock history, they’ve managed to become superstars simply by surviving.
And up-top, there’s wobbling sofa-bed lipped Steven Tyler, poncing around like royalty, determined to be louder than his bandmates who have had to put up with him since some time in the ’70s.
However, Aerosmith hate each other’s guts at the moment so Steven is making music with someone else. Another deity from rock’s pantheon? No. Johnny ‘the actor’ Depp. That’s right kids! Tyler and Depp are making awful music together and Tyler likes mentioning it, just on the off-chance it grinds the gears of Joe Perry & Co. Which it will. Because they’re all wrinkly children with failing livers.
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As the sound of riotous laughter at Charlie Sheen’s kerraazy antics begins to quieten, and morph into more of an embarrassed chuckle, we must ask ourselves what the tragic actor’s manic spree of self-delusionary word vomiting has left us with.
Has he changed the world somehow, perhaps by using his “warlock brain” to unlock the secret of ending Third World poverty? Or has he unleashed a new narcotic plague on us all, with the unveiling of a new drug “called Charlie Sheen“?
Nah. Neither of those, because they are merely the sparkings of an electrically unbalanced brain. The one thing Charlie Sheen has left us with is the knowledge that celebrities are different to us, in that they each use the blood of animals to carry oxygen round their bodies and that. Charlie Sheen of course, has “tiger blood“. But what do other celebrities have running through their veins? Come and leap over the jump to find out…
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Aerosmith – America’s answer to Status Quo – have plodded around like a sick bull for the best part of 320 years on the rock ‘n’ roll circuit. With a mixture of stadium sized choruses, a front man who looks like a melted waxwork of a combination of WWE wrestlers and the regular soap opera of their substance abuses, they’ve somehow managed to not go away and die under a hedge.
Steven Tyler has managed to keep his toe in the celebrity pondscum by, lately, having a very open and ugly feud with his band mates, declaring himself to be “the whole rainbow”, whatever the shit that means.
And, now, he’s still hanging around like a rubber gargoyle filled with sleeping tablets and meths, sat behind a desk as one of American Idol’s judges. It’s the latter which he’d like to apologise for.
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Apparently the next time American Idol makes it to air, you’re likely to hear comments like ‘No, man. You gotta put more scarves on your microphone,’ or ‘Jowls? You call those jowls? These are jowls! (As the quiet shaking of his cheeks can be heard over his microphone for several seconds past his sentence-end).
That’s because Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler is going to be sitting at the judges table. This is exciting news for every single hospital in the world where they obviously must walk up the hall putting Idol on in all the rooms of the comatose.
Seriously – those ratings have got to be coming from somewhere – but will Tyler add to them?
Recent album sales would seem to indicate no.
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You read that right. Fox bigshot Peter Rice says many reports about the future of American Idol are accurate.
What does that mean? Well, it means that Jennifer Lopez will probably be a judge this year. And it means that Kara DioGuardi probably won’t be a judge this year. It also means that Steven Tyler from Aerosmith will become a new judge, and that Aerosmith will re-record the show’s theme-tune and – to fit with Tyler’s diction – American Idol will be renamed Ammarricuh IdOWWW!, and that HD will be switched off for the duration of each episode so that Steven Tyler’s bizarre old lady face won’t cause America to burst into unstoppable fits of terror-sobs whenever it appears.
We may have made some of these things up. But, hey, since we’re reporting them, and all American Idol reports are accurate, they must be true. FOR THEY HAVE BEEN PROPHESISED.
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Do you like watching billion-year-old transvestites stagger around to hopeless Rolling Stones rip-offs?
You do? Well, your options have been limited lately. After Aerosmith disbanded in an orgy of chaos last year, your only two options were either to pay a bunch of billion-year-old transvestites to stagger around to hopeless Rolling Stones rip-offs or just to just buy a Rolling Stones concert ticket.
But fear not! Aerosmith have now reunited with Steven Tyler, and they plan to tour Europe this summer. They even made a video to announce it and everything. And if you don’t like Aerosmith, it doesn’t matter – the video also doubles as a sort of condensed Pirates Of The Caribbean movie where Johnny Depp dies and the undertaker decides to keep his body in a warm room for a decade and then dress his remains up in an absurd ladyboy outfit for a bit of a laugh.
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