Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.

And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.

Wait what?

We’ll have her know our collective grandmothers are entirely as c**ty as they want to be, thank you very much. Moreover, being a pauper’s the best thing since sliced bread because you have an excuse for living in your pyjama bottoms and existing on a diet of pizza and fizzy pop. It’s like, economics or something. We’re pretty sure that thing in that book about economics mentions pizza and Jeremy Kyle. Yeah, it’s on that page where Mof doodled in the margin.

Back to the point, Gwyneth gave an interview with the U.S.’s Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler and spoke about what an annoying bunch of a**holes her extended family were. Or something. Or she could have just been trying to one-up also-German Chelsea with her name-calling.

Appearing on “Chelsea Lately” Monday night, Paltrow spoke about the tough time she had relating to her mutti. Both Handler and Paltrow reminisced about their German grandmoms, and when Handler called hers a “b**ch,” Paltrow one-upped her. “My grandmother was a real c**t,” Paltrow laughed. “She basically hated my guts. She tried to poison my mother against me, but it didn’t work because I have a great mother. She was just tough, just tough. You look back and you think she must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was mean as hell.”

As a side note, screaming ‘Take backsies!’ and running like the wind is a totally valid substitute for divorce. Right? If not, um, if any one calls the hecklerspray hovel, we’re in the loo. Together. Where it’s safe.There are about a dozen jilted wives and husbands out there somewhere and we’ll be damned if they’re getting half the beer, the hovel, and the commenters in the divorces.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse and she’s the biggest c*nt going.

Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.

And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?

Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).

Paltrow, who was initially encouraged to sing by the swine behind Glee, has gone on to perform at the Grammy’s, howling like ward patient during Cee Lo Green’s ‘Asterisk You’.

All the while, you can just imagine Chris Martin, at home, cooing about how great she is, and generally being painfully sweet and pathetically kind about the whole thing while Gwyn wrings her hands, worrying about the whole stupid singing thing.

Of course, she’s not the first Hollywood chump to have a stab at a singing career.

Catherine Zeta Jones decided to make some earthy synth garbage in the ’90s, wafting her arms around like she had the world’s most embarrassing, flowing nervous tic and standing in the desert with a wind machine farting in her face.

Paltrow isn’t likely to go down the Zeta Jones route (bad commercial pop and the eventual marriage to a embalmed mummy of a man), rather, she could be the next Minnie Driver! Yes, Minnie made a hash of country-pop and everyone suddenly stopped hiring her for films.

Which is great for the rest of us, obviously. We can only hope that Paltrow’s career sees a similar downward turn.

Still, not all actors face a collective shunning from the public after making spectacularly woeful records. For some reason, we’ve all conveniently forgotten Bruce Willis’ legacy at – unbelievably – Motown. Yep, he butchered a load of soul and R&B classics, as well as producing schlock like this.

Still, we can only hope that Paltrow has a curve ball in her ammo and manages to make ass-obsessed music with cod-blues and bad white boy funk, just like perma-varnished kung fu penis, Steven Seagal.

Please let this happen Paltrow. Don’t go making an album that’s forgettably insipid. Really go for it and throw a high-concept at it too, so we can all remember the time you career came off the rails and careered into a playground filled with sick nanas, blowing everyone to grisly smithereens. We’re thinking Shatner’s ‘Transformed Man’ album specifically.

YOU MUST.

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If you’re an asshole, chances are you’ll end up in the film industry. It’s full of them – actors, producers, PR people, agents, critics.

It would have taken years to compile a list of the biggest assholes in film. Possibly even decades. That’s just how ripe with assholes the movie world is. So we’ve decided to bottle out and go for fictional assholes who only appear in movies instead. Don’t judge us.

All 30 of the swines, after the jump…

30. Miss Piggy

From: The Muppet films (1979-present)

Voiced by Frank Oz

Nerotic, needy, shallow, possessive, manipulative, aggressive, violent, self-obsessed, vain.  We’ve all got an ex-girlfriend like this.
“Hello little people, what an absolutely splendid day.”

29. The Hunter

From: Bambi (1942)

Played by Jean-Claude Van Damme (OK, maybe not)

He killed Bambi’s mum.  In the pulling of an off-screen trigger, The Hunter destroys all childhood illusions of safety and security within maternal care.  It’s a cruel, cruel world kids.  Only a Belgian could be so cruel
“BOOM!”

28. Cruella De Vil

From: 101 Dalmations (1961)

Voiced by Betty Lou Gerson

She wants to kill puppies for God’s sake! 101 of them! How evil can you get?!
“I don’t care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!”

27. Warden Norton

From: The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Played by Bob Gunton

Norton begins the film as a strict God-fearing disciplinarian, running one of the toughest prisons in America.  Then falls rapidly from grace when he begins capitalising on the skills of Andy Dufrense.  He’s running his prison for personal profit, keeping Andy inside despite knowing he’s innocent and killing those who threaten his business.
“I believe in two things: Discipline and the Bible. Here you’ll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Shawshank.”

26. Biff Tannen

From: Back to the Future trilogy (1985-1990)

Played by Thomas F. Wilson

Biff manages to consistantly be a cock over the course of about 70 years.  He remains an idiot, a bully and a sex pest throughout.  Even his ancestor “Mad Dog” Tannen was a total brown eye.
“My insurance? It’s your car. Your insurance should pay for it. I wanna know who’s gonna pay for this. [Pulls at his shirt]  I spilled beer all over it when that car smashed into me. Who’s gonna pay my cleaning bill?”

25. White Witch

From: The Chronicles of Narnia (2005-2008)

Played by Tilda Swinton

Completely evil, she seized power in Narnia and plunged it into a terrified, freezing winter. Anything less than total obedience is punished by magical transformation into a tacky garden ornament.  She is Lewis’s representation of Satan, but she scared off Father Christmas, that’s enough to get her on the list!
“I have no interest in prisoners. Kill them all.”

24. Stu Shepard

From: Phonebooth (2002)

Played by Colin Farrell

Stu finally accepts that he’s a manipulative little tosspot, breaks down and spills out this rambling apology.  All it took was a sniper rifle and a few dead innocent bystanders.
“I have never done anything for anybody who couldn’t do something for me.”

23. Sheriff of Nottingham

From: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Played by Alan Rickman

Good old Alan, you can rely on him to provide a loathable bad guy. The Sean Connery has gone off to the Holy Land for some pillaging and this little turd comes to the fore. As well as being a merciless, cruel, money-grabbing sexual deviant, he’s a devil worshipper. Could there be a better bad guy for Robin and his band of ethnically diverse communists?
“What a beautiful child. So young, so alive, so unaware of how precarious life can be. I had a very sad childhood, I’ll tell you about it sometime. I never knew my parents; it’s amazing I’m sane.”

22. Hans Gruber

From: Die Hard (1988)

Played by Alan Rickman

Egocentric, ruthless, German.  It’s easy to hate him. Hans takes an entire building hostage to rob its vault. He ruins the office Christmas party quicker than realising you weren’t the first person to bareback Tracy from accounting on the photocopier that night.
“And When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer”

21. Saddam Hussein

From: South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut (1999)

Voiced by Matt Stone

He’s so evil that even Satan thinks he’s a bit of a dick. In his own words, he’s “a sandy little butthole” and he really is, he’s tricked Satan, who really is a nice guy, into bringing about a kind of Canada-induced apocalypse that will unleash the fires of Hell on to the earth. And he doesn’t even cuddle after sex.
“Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?”

20. Begbie

From: Trainspotting (1996)

Played by Robert Carlyle

He’s an asshole, not a madman. While he’s got an explosive temper with the sortest of fuses, Begbie has a sense of right and wrong. He knows that glassing a girl to start a fight with her boyfriend is wrong, but it’s fun. He just doesn’t care about other people, be they friends or otherwise. Actually he’s the only one in the film that ISN’T suffering a crippling heroin addiction, he’s probably the only one who really is in control of his actions.
“That lassie got glassed, and no c*nt leaves here till we find out what c*nt did it”

19. Colin Sullivan

From: The Departed (2006)

Played by Matt Damon

Now here’s a slimy wanker. Idolises the irish mob boss Frank Costello so much that he sets off to become his informant on the inside of the police department. He’s so good at being both cop and stoolie that he’s assigned to find the mole… that’s him! The film revolves around Sullivan building his career, spinning lies and getting good cops killed. Oh, and he can’t get it up.
“You got a nice suit at home, or do you like coming to work everyday dressed like you’re going to invade Poland?”

18. Prof Severus Snape

From: Harry Potter series (2001-2009)

Played by Alan Rickman

A greasy little worm, but dangerous enough to be wary of. He’ll gladly push around children and weasel his way around adults. He’s a racist too, having referred to those of a less than pure magical upbringing as ‘mudbloods’, even though he is one himself.
“Veritaserum. Three drops of this and You-Know-Who himself would spill his darkest secrets. The use of it on a student is, regrettably, forbidden. However, should you steal from my personal stores again, my hand might just slip over your morning pumpkin juice.”

17. Tony Montana

From: Scarface (1983)

Played by Al Pacino

Kills everyone who stands in his way. He really isn’t impressed by anything other than more money for him.  He starts the film as an ambitious refugee and the end he’s losing his mind to powder-fuelled paranoia. It was being an asshole that got him to where is today… shot to tiny bits by angry Colombians.
“You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”

16. John ‘Axe’ Adcox

From: Backdraft (1991)

Played by Scott Glenn

This film really is the pinnacle of hero worship cheese movies. If Top Gun was the foreplay, this is the awkward cuddle in the wet patch afterwards. An arsonist is setting some really specific fires to kill men connected to the closure of fire houses. Doesn’t take a genius (thankfully, because all we had was the cheapest of the Baldwin brothers) to realise it’s probably a firefighter.

Adcox is a fireman who spent far too long to be believable surveying the lethal power of fire. So when it looks like the city of Chicago will be less capable of dealing with fires, he starts setting more.  While you can sympathise with being a bit peeved with this, it seems a bit counter-productive, especially when the newbie dies. Cue Bruce Hornsby, roll montage, jog on.
“Your Dad died saving my life and these people were killing firemen for MONEY!”

15. Norman Spencer

From: What Lies Beneath (2000)

Played by Harrison Ford

This is an asshole you don’t see until late on, because it’s Harrison Ford. It’s Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he’s a bit of a sleaze, but a good guy. Not a cheating, lying murderer who was such a cock that spirits come back to get their revenge. But Norman Spencer is a devious git. When his wife discovers his affair, she has a car ’accident’, in which she suffers a brain injury. The girlfriend has disappeared, along with any real memory of the whole incident. Norman has his cake, eats it, licks up the crumbs and hides the empty plate.

Then his girlfriend contacts his wife in the time-honoured horror fashion: Using steam, mirrors, an old computer and a mild dose of demonic possession. Indy… sorry, Spencer finally twigs what’s going on and decides another murder will solve the problem.
“Yes. I had an affair with her. And when I tried to break it off… she became unstable. She came out here to the house. She threatened to kill herself… or you. I didn’t think she’d go through with any of it. But then she… She disappeared.”

14. Howard Payne

From: Speed (1994)

Played by Dennis Hopper

OK, so he doesn’t spend much time on screen at all, and his plan does involve killing Keanu Reeves, so what makes him an asshole? He was a cop that defused bombs and saved lives. Then he has an accident and looses a digit. Rather than taking this as a warning about how dangerous explosives are and thus, how important his job is, he goes on a very long-winded bombing spree. Rather than just threatening to blow up a bus, he rigs so it must remain at speed unheard of for public transport. How selfish do you have to be? You lose a pinky and decide it is worth killing dozens of people to get a ridiculous amount of ransom/compensation.
“See, I’m in charge here! I drop this stick, and they pick your friend here up with a sponge! Are you ready to die, friend?”

13. Dennis Nedry

From: Jurassic Park, (1993)

Played by Wayne Knight

Here’s another asshole who kills Samuel L Jackson. Well, technically a dinosaur does the killing, but you can’t blame it. He was just hungry and Samuel L Jackson tastes like chicken. Nedry is a disgusting fat pie of a man with massive debts. He gets a job as a computer programmer at dinosaur Disneyland, which can’t pay badly.

Unfortunately, Nedry’s lard addiction outstrips his earnings and he decides to sell dino babies. So far, nothing too bad, I can forgive bit of thievery. But here’s the kicker. He switches off the power to everything to make his getaway. Including the electric fences, the only things keeping the island’s humans from becoming a smorgasboard for Dino. And it’s not as if he didn’t know what he was doing: HE DESIGNED THE SYSTEM! Yeah, if I was a dilophosaurus, I’d spit in his face too.
“Oh, ah… I finished debugging the programmes, but there were some errors. So for the next 10-15 minutes some power might shut down, but it’s only temporary, nothing to worry about.”

12. Brick Top

From: Snatch (2000)

Played by Alan Ford

Unlikeable if hilarious, this horrible hole only shows any kind of affection for his pet piggies, whom he feeds people to.
“Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible c*nt… me.”

11. Dr. Rene Belloq

From: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Played by Paul Freeman

A greedy little git to say the least. He’ll do just about anything to get his hands on whatever booty takes his fancy. He’s happy to let our heroic Indy do the life-threatening work for the gold idol, then even has a tribe of Hovitos indians on hand to chase him off. But then again, this is the Jewish guy working for the Nazis, so he can be the first guy to discover history’s greatest weapon and GIVE IT TO HITLER!
“You and I are very much alike. Archeology is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.”

10. Idi Amin

From: Last King of Scotland (2006)

Played by Forest Whitaker

Nothing says asshole like a spot of genocide. So Idi really earns his place on this list. The cannabalism just adds to the chap’s charm
“Look at you. Is there one thing you have done that is good? Did you think this was all a game? ‘I will go to Africa and I will play the white man with the natives’. Is that what you thought? We are not a game, Nicholas. We are real. This room here, it is real. I think your death will be the first real thing that has happened to you.”

9. Gny. Sgt. Hartman

From: Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Played by R. Lee Ermy

It’s a bit worrying that Ermy was only supposed to be a technical advisor on the film, but after proving far more intimidating than anything Kubrick could invent he was cast in the film. Hartman manages to blend a volatile cocktail of wit and pure hate. He doesn’t care about skin colour, you are all maggots. He shows no mercy to those who are slow to keep up and punishes the group for the sins of individuals.

He strips recruits of their identities and push them until they crack. Ultimately, one of them shooting him for it.
“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy, fucking, walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!”

8. Sgt. Barnes

From: Platoon (1986)

Played by Tom Berenger

In a film packed full of assholes, Barnes is by far the biggest. He puts little value on human life and none at all on “gook” lives. He’s got this good and evil thing going on with Willem Dafoe‘s pot smoking Sgt. Elias. The duelling of wills and morality between the two reaches a high point when Barnes whips his men up into a murderous frenzy in a Vietnamese village, willing to kill children and old men for imformation.

Most of this sequence is based on the factual massacre at My Lai, firmly anchoring Barnes in the realms of realism  The more outrageous he gets, the more real it seems, the more of an asshole he becomes.
“Y’all loved Elias. And you want to kick ass. Yeah. Well, here I am, all by my lonesome. And there ain’t anybody gonna know. Six of you boys against me. Kill me”

7. Maj. Vic ‘Deake’ Deakins

From: Broken Arrow (1996)

Played by John Travolta

John Travolta’s got that smug look that shows he believes he can make panties dissolve with a smile and a wiggle of his hips. It just makes the rest of the world want to slap him. Which doesn’t help Deake’s appeal. He swaggers about, tries to kill his co-pilot, tries to steal two nuclear warheads, tries to hold the government to ransom. He tries to do a lot and buggers most of it up.  Christian Slater survives to be a pain in the ass and ultimately watch as Deake recieves a warhead in the balls.

“I just realised something. I never actually killed anyone before. I mean, I dropped bombs on Baghdad, but, uh… never face to face. I don’t know what the big deal is. I really don’t.”

6. Bill

From: Kill Bill I & II (2003-2004)

Played by David Carradine

A prize prick this one. Lass falls in love with him, he trains her to be a killer, he gets her up the duff, she realises Mothercare don’t make kevlar, she quits and goes to get married. Asshole gatecrashes wedding rehersal, acts all sweet and charming, then has everyone killed… even Samuel L Jackson!  Not only does he shoot his lass IN THE HEAD! Then he somehow raises their lovechild, keeping the whole thing a secret, while lass goes on the rampage thinking child was never born!

THEN, doesn’t even hold back in trying to kill lass once mother and daughter have just started to bond. If this guy went on Jeremy Kyle, there’d be some serious “this is my show, you disgust me, shut up, this is me, you’re on my show, you disgust me, shut up you’re on my show” moments.
“I didn’t say I was going to explain myself. I said I was going to tell you the truth. But if that’s too cryptic, let’s get literal. I’m a killer. A murdering bastard, you know that. And there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard. You experienced some of them”

5. Nurse Ratched

From: One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Played by Louise Fletcher

One of the few women to make it on to our list of sphincters. And a massive one she is. She rules her psychiatric ward with a total lack of humour or compassion, and total control. When some of the patients begin to show signs of improvement and discuss their recovery, she destroys them with notching more than a few choice words and a raised eyebrow. She’ll really ruin any of those kinky nurse fantasies you had.
“If Mr. McMurphy doesn’t want to take his medication orally, I’m sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don’t think that he would like it.”

4. Amon Goethe

From: Schindler’s List (1993)

Played by Ralph Fiennes

Goethe does well in asshole top trumps. He runs Plazow concentration camp with a particular callousness.  Outwardly showing no regard for the suffering around him, he only flirts with mercy after Schindler convinces him it could make him appear stronger. This fails miserably and Goethe resumes his habit of sniping the camp prisoners from his mansion balcony. He does, however, battle his conscience when confronting his house maid, Helen, who he can’t decide whether to love or shoot.
“I would like so much to reach out to you and touch you in your loneliness. What would it be like, I wonder? What would be wrong with that? I realise that you are not a person in the strictest sense of the word, but, um, maybe you’re right about that too. Maybe what’s wrong, it’s not us, it’s this… I mean, when they compare you to vermin, to rodents and to lice. I just, uh, you make a good point. You make a very good point. Is this the face of a rat? Are these the eyes of a rat? “Hath not a Jew eyes?” I feel for you Helen.”

3. Carter Burke

From: Aliens (1986)

Played by Paul Reiser

A career company man through and through, Burke sends a family of salvagers into the wreck that contained the alien from the first film. When the entire human population of that planet go quiet Burke decides sending a squad of marine in to have a look is a good idea. Seem stupid to you? Get this, HE GOES ALONG TOO!

So, he’s a bit slow? No, he’s a bit of a dick, so focussed on promotion and paypackets that he’ll gladly put himself and others in the line of sharp claws and acid blood. He tries to infect Ripley and Newt with the alien so he can smuggle it back and help the company turn it into a bio-weapon. When the aliens come looking for a snack he legs it out the back door, locking everyone in with the hungry little blighters. And he wears a body warmer. Asshole.
“Those specimens, are worth millions to the bio-weapons corperation. If you’re smart, we can both come out of it as heroes and we’ll be set up for life.”

2. Ozymandias

From: Watchmen (2009)

Played by Matthew Goode

He’s the world’s smartest man, he’s quicker than a bullet and he’s got no people skills. His genius is only surpassed by his ego. Ozzie cons a man so powerful that can alter time, space and matter as well as be huge, blue and naked. He also sinks as low as giving innocent people cancer to fool the poor giant smurf. Ozymandias is unlikable because he’s got just about everything tied up. His dastardly plan is so coolly considered through his super grasp of logic that it starts to seem reasonable. He’s going to avert nuclear disaster… by blowing up the world’s biggest cities.
“The only person with whom I felt any kinship with died three hundred years before the birth of Christ. Alexander of Macedonia, or Alexander the Great, as you know him.”

1. Forrest Taft

From: On Deadly Ground (1994)

Played by Steven Seagal

An appalling film from beginning to end. There’s something about Seagal movies that can make great actors like Michael Caine, R. Lee Ermy, Tommy Lee Jones, John C. McGinley, Billy Bob Thornton, Colm Meany, Pam Grier, Sharon Stone, Kurt Russell, Halle Berry, John Leguizamo, Brian Cox, Tom Sizemore, Dennis Hopper and countless others look totally ridiculous.

Perhaps it has something to do with Steven being involved in the writing, directing and/or producing of most of his films that condemns potentially great films to the bargain bucket in the supermarket. I’m not saying this because I once met Seagal and he was a grumpy old git who really is as wooden and emotionless in real life as on film.

It’s mostly because of On Deadly Ground. Lots of explosions and shooting and a pretty good idea for a plot are diluted with Seagal spouting total arse gravy about kung-fu Inuit zen spiritualism. But back to the point, Forrest Taft is an asshole. His idea of getting all Greenpeace on an irresponsible oil company is to blow up their rig.

Yeah, that’s a pretty big plot hole there Steve, I know you only directed this one, but please. Taft is supposed to be the man who PUTS OUT potentially catastrophic fires on oil rigs. So he gets revenge for fires caused by faulty equipment but starting fires using a pony tail and firearms. I hold Steven Segal personally responsible for the nonsense going on in the Gulf of Mexico. Wanker.
“I wouldn’t dirty my bullets”

Honourable mentions:

Withnail
The Fratelli Family (The Goonies)
Eddie Temple (Layer Cake)
Angel Eyes (The Good, The Bad and the Ugly)
Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)
Senator Palpatine (Star Wars I,II,III)
Norman Sansfield (Leon)
Mr Blonde (Reservoir Dogs)
Hatchet Harry (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels)
Anton Chigurgh (No Country For Old Men)
Michael Corleone (Godfather Trilogy)

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As the star of Steven Seagal: Lawman, you’d assume that Steven Seagal knows a thing or two about the law.

And perhaps he does. But nobody can be an expert on everything, so while Steven Seagal might have studied hard about subjects like narcotic raids, vehicular accidents and dog-handling, there’s a small chance that he might be a bit spotty when it comes to stuff like human trafficking and sexual harassment. We’re saying this because a woman is suing Steven Seagal for £650,000, claiming that he hired her as an assistant and then kept her as a sex slave, assaulting her at least three times during her employment.

Needless to say, nothing about this story is funny. Apart from the fact that it’s about Steven Seagal, who is a sweaty old dickhead. Sweaty old dickheads are funny.

Admit it, if you were browsing Craigslist and came across an advert looking for Steven Seagal’s next executive assistant, you’d jump at the chance. You’d quit your job, leave your partner, sell your house and live the dream. Imagine what being Steven Seagal’s executive assistant entails – maybe brushing his ponytail, or ironing his horrible kimonos, or searching Amazon for the latest bullshit new-age book on half-cooked spiritualism for him to read, or advising him to make more low-budget films about undercover cops who karate-chop helicopters out of the sky for a living.

Being Steven Seagal’s executive assistant would be awesome, that’s what we’re trying to say.

Not that Kayden Nguyen seems to think so, obviously. Because she actually applied for the Steven Seagal executive assistant job when it was advertised on Craigslist. And she got it. And if her lawsuit is to be believed, it was a horrible, horrible job to have. The Telegraph reports:

She claims that within a few days of starting Seagal told her that his wife “wouldn’t care” if she was “his lover”. She claims that over the next five days, she was sexually assaulted three times by Seagal. She says that during her first night on the job, Seagal demanded a “massage” and then proceeded to “treat Ms. Nguyen as his sex toy”.

In total, Kayden Nguyen is suing Steven Seagal for sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination and false representation about employment, all of which have been denied by Seagal himself.

As upsetting as they are, though, we have to say that we find some of the allegations made against Steven Seagal a little hard to believe. Not so much that he’d hire an assistant on Craigslist and then use her as a sex slave, but more that he’s actually fit enough to sexually assault anyone.

Surely any unwanted sexual advances on his part could be countered by a brisk walk in the opposite direction. We’ve seen a few of the films that Steven Seagal has made lately, so we’re pretty sure that after about 15 quick paces he’d crumple into a sweaty, exhausted, useless heap. With a shit ponytail, obviously.

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Die Hard 4, Rocky Balboa and the new Indiana Jones were really all just warm-ups for one almighty action comeback movie – Under Siege 3.

Yeah, you heard. Buoyed up by the recent success of his peers, Steven Seagal has decided that he’s going to follow suit and make Under Siege 3. And there’ll be none of this ‘acknowledging the aging process’ malarkey, either – if Steven Seagal gets his way, then Under Siege 3 will be set in outer space where he’ll get to kung-fu a bunch of evil aliens.

So that’s Under Siege 3, coming soon to a theatre near you. Provided that the theatre nearest you happens to be the theatre playing inside Steven Seagal’s wonky and somewhat deluded brain.

There’s been such a glut of elderly movie stars revisiting their action roots lately that reaction to them has run the gamut from surprised appreciation (Rocky Balboa, Die Hard 4) to bemused hostility (Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull) to please-god-never-let-this-happen outright fear (Predator 3).

But there’s one upcoming action movie revival that literally defies reaction. One that, if you think about it in any depth for more than a couple of seconds, will overwhelm your mind with every possible human emotion and turn you into a vegetable. We’re talking, of course, about Under Siege 3.

The original Under Siege was, of course, a masterpiece of modern cinema. The perfectly feasible story of a chef who just happens to have the skills required to single-handedly defeat a gang of mercenary killers who just happen to be onboard the ship trying to steal a shipment of nuclear weapons, Under Siege won every Oscar going for an unprecedented five consecutive years, and made Steven Seagal so famous there’s at least one giant golden statue of him in every country in the world.

Then Under Siege was followed up with Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, which was shit.

But now Steven Seagal wants to get back in the ring and make Under Siege 3. And, just in case the thought of a portly 57-year-old man with a bad ponytail taking down a team of dangerous killers with his bare hands doesn’t sound ridiculous enough, don’t worry – Steven Seagal wants to set it in space. MTV reports:

“There are offers and we’re looking at them,” Seagal told MTV News. And he even has some ideas…of a more alien nature. “I personally want it to be something more modern. In other words I wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical or… maybe extraterrestrial in nature. Some real government top secrets instead of just the typical.”

Listen. If anyone who has the ability to greenlight movies is reading this, we want you to greenlight Under Siege 3 immediately. Immediately. Just call up Steven Seagal and tell him you want to make Under Siege 3. You don’t even need a script – just a spacesuit, some wires, 100 blokes dressed up as gun-toting aliens and the speed of reactions necessary to capture all of Steven Seagal’s ass-busting martial arts dynamite.

It’s such a brilliant idea. Part Under Seige, part X-Files. We’d definitely watch it. We’ve even thought up a proper name for the movie – Under Siege: I Want To Believe That Nobody’s Actually Thinking About Making This Bag Of Crap.