Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.
And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.
Wait what?
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Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.
And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?
Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).
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If you’re an asshole, chances are you’ll end up in the film industry. It’s full of them – actors, producers, PR people, agents, critics.
It would have taken years to compile a list of the biggest assholes in film. Possibly even decades. That’s just how ripe with assholes the movie world is. So we’ve decided to bottle out and go for fictional assholes who only appear in movies instead. Don’t judge us.
All 30 of the swines, after the jump…
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As the star of Steven Seagal: Lawman, you’d assume that Steven Seagal knows a thing or two about the law.
And perhaps he does. But nobody can be an expert on everything, so while Steven Seagal might have studied hard about subjects like narcotic raids, vehicular accidents and dog-handling, there’s a small chance that he might be a bit spotty when it comes to stuff like human trafficking and sexual harassment. We’re saying this because a woman is suing Steven Seagal for £650,000, claiming that he hired her as an assistant and then kept her as a sex slave, assaulting her at least three times during her employment.
Needless to say, nothing about this story is funny. Apart from the fact that it’s about Steven Seagal, who is a sweaty old dickhead. Sweaty old dickheads are funny.
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Die Hard 4, Rocky Balboa and the new Indiana Jones were really all just warm-ups for one almighty action comeback movie – Under Siege 3.
Yeah, you heard. Buoyed up by the recent success of his peers, Steven Seagal has decided that he’s going to follow suit and make Under Siege 3. And there’ll be none of this ‘acknowledging the aging process’ malarkey, either – if Steven Seagal gets his way, then Under Siege 3 will be set in outer space where he’ll get to kung-fu a bunch of evil aliens.
So that’s Under Siege 3, coming soon to a theatre near you. Provided that the theatre nearest you happens to be the theatre playing inside Steven Seagal’s wonky and somewhat deluded brain.
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