For those who don’t know what Panto is, it’s like a really rowdy play at the theatre, where babies are allowed to weep hysterically throughout, old men have permission to shout racist slurs at the soap opera actors, most of whom casually blurt out crudely masked sexual references in front of an auditorium mainly comprising eight-year-olds.

As is befitting such a glorious show, Panto season coincides with Christmas.

The big news this year is that Pamela Anderson will be taking part in a production of Aladdin – she’s playing the genie. The results of this have been twofold. Firstly, the audience will feel a shift in the child-to-adult ratio, with a slew of horny fathers wiping sweat from their top lips, as Pammie makes some clumsy reference to her tits. And secondly, it could mark the beginning of a Hollywood Panto season takeover. In years to come we might have De Niro playing Buttons in whichever panto it is that features Buttons. We also think that Ed Norton could really shine as Dick Whittington. But, until then, let’s bask in some of the big names from over the pond who have already lit up these so-called Pantomimes…

Henry Winkler

Ahh, we loved Henry Winkler when he played The Fonz. We particularly adored it when he used to adopt the two-thumbs-up pose and go “ehhh”, because something really cool had just happened. We also found him rather wonderful to watch in Arrested Development. However, Fonzie fans might be surprised to know that Henry counteracted his rather flaccid attempts at cracking the movie business by sneaking over to England to play Captain Hook in Milton Keynes a couple of years ago. “We don’t have panto in America,” he said, “and it sounds unbelievably fun.” It’s definitely unbelievably something, Henry.

Paul Michael Glaser

Like Henry, Paul Michael Glaser spent most of the 1970s being superhip. In his case, it was playing a cop in cardigans called Starsky. As in Starsky and Hutch. Since then, he’s stamped his mark as a director, being at the helm of one of Arnie’s finest hours, Running Man, but then slowly he descended into career hell, which culminated in him guffawing on stage for a gaggle of angry Sunderland kids, when he did a turn in Aladdin. That was during his SECOND year of panto.

Steve Guttenberg

Who didn’t love Guttenberg in the 1980s? No one, that’s who. He was the wise cracking hero in Police Academy, he did that film about aliens that make old people want to have sex, and then he dicked around with the great Tom Selleck, and the even better Ted Danson. For a time, he looked set fair to become one of the all time greats. So what happened? A very limp 1990s, that’s what. So limp that he never quite recovered, leaving his trolleyed self-esteem to disappear down the plug hole as he tottered around on a swishy US dancing show, then degraded himself further in Cinderella in Bromley. As in Kent.

Who wrote this? Why it was marvellous Josh Burt from sterling Interestment.

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Of course, times have moved on since then – but nobody tell Steve Guttenberg. Guttenberg has decided that he’s ready to make Police Academy 8, even though that would obviously be the worst idea that any human has ever had.

Oh, and also Steve Guttenberg says he’s making another Three Men And A Baby movie, too. And Steve Guttenberg has forgotten to take his medicine. And he needs a lie down.

Alright everyone, it’s time to stop this belated sequel madness. Sylvester Stallone returning to make Rocky Balboa was actually a fairly decent idea. Harrison Ford returning to make Indiana Jones 4 was a stupid idea. Arnold Schwarzenegger thinking about Predator 3 is beyond a stupid idea. Steven Seagal wanting to make Under Siege 3 is – well, actually Steven Seagal wanting to make Under Siege 3 is a brilliant idea, but only if it can be set in space like he wants.

But Steve Guttenberg wanting to make Police Academy 8? Why? What possible reason could there ever be on the face of the earth for that to happen? What, did Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow leave any questions unanswered, other than the obvious ‘Why do I feel the compulsive urge to run home and scrub myself clean the second I’ve finished watching this?’

And yet Police Academy 8 is happening. Or at least it’s happening in Steve Guttenberg’s mind, which is slightly different to real life because in his mind Steve Guttenberg is still famous, people still care about anything Steve Guttenberg has to say and the national anthem of the entire planet is the full four-minute theme-tune to the Commodore 64 videogame adaptation of Short Circuit.

But, yes, Steve Guttenberg is really getting a script together for Police Academy 8. And it’ll reunite all the old gang, too – Steve Guttenberg, the man who makes the funny noises with his mouth, the short lady, the dead one with the guns, the unusually tall man, the sexy one with the big boobs who’ll be a pensioner by the time Police Academy 8 ever gets made – even the two actresses for which the Police Academy movies were an unfortunate blip on the path to bigger and better things, as Empire reports:

“We are doing a new movie and it is going to be great fun. A script is being written and so far it is really great, everyone from the original movies who is still around will return. I know Kim [Cattrall, who starred in the original] and Sharon [Stone, the love interest of Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol] have been asked but they haven’t said yes yet. It would be really great to have them on board.”

They haven’t said yes yet? Is that because they were too busy shouting “Hey Guttenberg, I’m not going to tell you again! If you don’t get off my lawn immediately I’ll have you arrested! And put some clothes on, for crying out loud!”? Maybe we’ll never know.

As well as Police Academy 8, Steve Guttenberg seems convinced that he’s going to re-team with Ted Danson and Tom Selleck to make a third Three Men And A Baby movie too. But why stop there, Steve? Why not make a new Short Circuit movie where Johnny 5 starts a bloody turf war with a family of Honda Asimos? Or another Cocoon starring Jessica Tandy’s corpse and the ghost of your film career? Huh? Huh, Steve? Huh?

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Why? Because who did we have on our celebrity dancing reality TV show? A woman from a band nobody really remembers and a snooker player that looks like a posh walrus, that's who. But America? America has Steve Guttenberg.

It's been announced that Steve Guttenberg off Short Circuit and Police Academy will be one of the celebrities taking part in the new series of Dancing With The Stars. Other contestants include Elvis Presley's wife and that tennis player that got stabbed, but forget those losers. Steve Guttenberg's going to be on Dancing With The Stars! Nnng!

These dancing shows sure are popular. Last year Strictly Come Dancing roundly beat Simon Cowell's X Factor in the ratings, and its American sister Dancing With The Stars became so popular that for a brief time you were legally allowed to punch someone in the face if they couldn't name all three judges immediately.

Shows like Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing With The Stars are so wildly popular for a good few reasons. Firstly, it's fun to watch people learn a skill. Secondly, the shows inject a dose of old-school glamour into an otherwise stale TV schedule. Thirdly it's patently obvious that all the celebrities are doing it with their dance partners, and that's fun to watch.

Similarly, there's a list of reasons as long as your arm why Dancing With The Stars is better than Strictly Come Dancing. Dancing With The Stars has famous Spice Girls in it while Strictly Come Dancing has rubbish ones. Dancing With The Stars has backflipping amputees and collapsing old ladies, while Strictly Come Dancing has neither. But mainly Dancing With The Stars is better because Steve Guttenberg's in it.

The list of celebrity contestants taking part in this year's Dancing With The Stars was named last night during the final of Dance Wars, a show where a troupe of skilled physical artists reenact some of the most harrowing wartime battles of the 19th and 20th centuries. But who are these new Dancing With The Stars hopefuls? Let's find out…

Adam Carolla – DJ who might be a bit racist. Also the voice of a minor character in the Buzz Lightyear spin-off TV show. Soon to star in a movie he wrote called The Hammer, which consists of nothing but one shot of a stationary hammer on a table in close up. It's basically Bicentennial Man, but about an inert hammer. 

Cristián de la Fuente – An actor from Chile who sometimes stars in Ugly Betty to fund his hobby of burning down anthills with magnifying glasses on sunny days. He is apparently one of the 50 most beautiful people on earth, a title he shares with Brad Pitt, two of the Nolan Sisters, your own mother and the Tuscan municipality of Sovicille.

Shannon Elizabeth – You masturbated over her a decade ago. Oh you bloody liar, you did.

Steve Guttenberg – Although he's the star of mega-hits like Short Circuit, Three Men And A Baby, Three Men And A Little Lady, Cocoon, Cocoon 2, Police Academy, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3 and Police Academy 4, Steve Guttenberg is perhaps best known for his charity The Guttenhouse Project, where he selects a number of poverty-stricken children in foster care each year and pays for them to live in boxes and act as his tiny malnourished slaves.

Marlee Matlin – Oscar-winning deaf actress. You might think that being deaf would restrict Marlee's ability to dance properly, but let's not forget that one of her opponents is Steve Guttenberg, so we're guessing she'll come second-last at worst.

Priscilla Presley – Wife of Elvis Presley, mother of Lisa Marie Presley, cousin of Canadian bobsledder Gerald Presley, grandmother of porn star Jenna Presley and uncle of famed New Zealand businesswoman Annette Presley. And that is all. 

Penn Jillette – Mouthy magician. Probably most famous for either being on Sabrina The Teenage Witch sometimes or his genuinely dreadful haircut.

Monica Seles – Stabbed tennis player. Has spent every day since since 1993 prowling the streets for vengeance like Jodie Foster in that film The Brave One. Ironically she's done this dressed as Jodie Foster in that film Bugsy Malone.

Jason Taylor – Either an American footballer, a rugby player, an Australian football player or an English footballer player. We really can't be bothered to find out.

Marissa Jaret Winokur – A woman most famous for being in the Broadway production of Hairspray. On the plus side, the physically of her background will set her in good stead for Dancing With The Stars; on the other hand, nobody knows who the fuck she is so she probably won't last long. 

Kristi Yamaguchi – A woman who was good at ice skating 17 years ago, Kristi has gone to do literally nothing with her life. Nothing. She can barely even get out of bed most days, and has swollen up to the size of an angry car.

Mario - Computerised Italian plumber.

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ABC announces 'Dancing with the Stars' contestants – Monsters And Critics