Oh come on, you remember Marion Jones – the American athlete who won five medals at the 2000 Olympics and then lost them all because she was pumped up to the knockers on steroids, and then ended up getting thrown in jail for the exact same reason. Essentially Marion Jones is the Incredible Hulk, only bulkier and with a deeper voice.

Oprah Winfrey thinks so too, because yesterday Marion Jones appeared on her show in her first post-prison interview. Were there tears? Yes. Were there hamfisted stabs at self-help therapy-speak? Yes. Was there a moment where Marion Jones lost her temper with Oprah Winfrey, crushed her skull with one hand and javelined her dead body into the sun. No, no there wasn’t. And don’t think we’re not disappointed about that.

There’s a reason why Oprah Winfrey is such a powerful force in the media. No, it’s not because she’s so rich that she can afford to send all dissenters to her special school for child abuse, it’s because Oprah Winfrey believes in second chances.

It doesn’t matter how down on your luck you are – whether you’re a fat Scientologist who thinks she looks good in a bikini or a dwarfish Scientologist who just seems a bit creepy – Oprah Winfrey will always give you a second chance. Unless you’re French, in which case Oprah Winfrey thinks you can piss off, you racist.

Anyway, the latest recipient of Oprah Winfrey’s almighty wave of forgiveness is Marion Jones, the mannish athlete who was thrown in jail earlier this year because ate all the steroids before the Olympics eight years ago.

In case you don’t remember, at the 2000 Olympics Marion Jones won gold medals in the 100m, 200m and 4×400m relay and bronze in the 4×100m relay and the long jump although, in retrospect, it was probably because she kept stabbing loads of nandrolone into her gut. Since then, Marion Jones has been retired from athletics, been stripped of her medals and completed a six-month stint in jail for lying about the doping.

And that’s where Oprah stepped in. Yesterday, Oprah Winfrey allowed Marion Jones her first televised interview since leaving jail, but only on the condition that, according to Winfrey Law, Marion Jones had to babble some mawkish shit that sounds as if it was directly stolen from Chicken Soup For The Soup. AP reports:

Jones, 33, apologized to her teammates and tearfully read a letter she wrote in prison, in which she told her children she lied to federal prosecutors because she didn’t love herself enough to tell the truth… “I don’t have athletics anymore to hide behind,” Jones said. “In the past, it was Marion Jones, the athlete. … I don’t have that cover anymore. I have really had to find out who I am and why I make certain choices.”

Marion Jones didn’t love herself enough to tell the truth. That’s disgusting. What sort of a mother would write a thing like that in a letter to her children? She didn’t love herself enough? It’s bad enough that their mother went to jail for lying about her steroid use – the last thing they’d want to hear is an explanation of how often she got to masturbate.

That is what she meant, right?

An Albany investigation into the sale of steroids and human growth hormones has thrown up thousands of names, including Mary J Blige, 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland and Tyler Perry. Of course, Mary J Blige is denying the use of either steroids or HGH, but there's one fool-proof way to uncover the truth.

The testicles. If Mary J Blige is on steroids she'll have tiny testicles.

Steroids, HGH, Gummiberry juice and other performance enhancing doohickeys have long been prevalent in sports, much to the consternation of Mr Dick Pound – chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency and co-chairman of the Yes I Know My Name Sounds A Euphemism For Masturbation Subcommittee along with Mr Wank Relentlessly. But now it seems as if steroid-use has left the sporting arena and entered a more dangerous territory – urban music.

Although entertainers have been caught with steroids and human growth hormones before – namely Sylvester Stallone in Australia and Chris Benoit – it's usually been because they've needed to rip the throats out of Burmese soldiers or murder their entire family. But rappers? R&B singers? Cross-dressing self-help writer/actors? Surely not.

But that's what an investigation may have uncovered. Entertainers such as Mary J Blige, Wyclef Jean, Tyler Perry, 50 Cent and Timbaland have been cited in Albany County district attorney P. David Soares' investigation into the trade of steroids and HGH. While none of them have been accused of breaking the law, they have all apparently been found to have the substances shipped to their homes, studios and hotels by a Long Island fitness club and its director of antiaging and longevity.

Needless to say, Mary J Blige isn't having any of it, as the New York Times reports:

A spokeswoman for Ms. Blige, Karynne Tencer, said: “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.” Ms. Tencer added that Ms. Blige had not taken any antiaging steroids either.

And it's probably fair to say that 50 Cent hasn't taken any performance enhancing either. True, the man is built like a fleshy battleship but, having seen his movie Get Rich Or Die Tryin' we can safely conclude that his performance was just about the least-enhanced we've seen in decades. 

Mary J Blige, though, that's another story – especially when you see what some of her original full-length song titles were before she chopped them down for brevity. There was No More Drama Or I'll Punch Your House Over, I'm The Only Woman With Guns Like Watermelons, Stay Down If You Don't Want Me To Snap Your Neck With My Jacked-Up Eyelashes and, of course, the enduring Family Affair (Raaaargh! I'll Fucking Kill You Remix).

In any case, Jamie Lynn Spears should be thankful that Mary J Blige approved of her pregnancy, because God only knows what sort of soggy lump of twitching nerve endings would have resulted if she didn't.

Read more:

Prominent Entertainers Cited in Steroids Inquiry - New York Times