If Japan hadn’t suffered enough, last night, they had a gig which featured Beady Eye, Paul Weller and Richard Ashcroft on their consciences too. Someone should do a further benefit gig for them to cope with this newest slop of news.

Even though the gig did a good thing by raising over £150,000 for the victims of the horrifying tsunami and earthquake, that doesn’t mean we should eschew our obligation to mock the collection of awful, awful feathered cod-mod haircuts that were on show.

Not to mention the terrible, plodding, faux-anthemic white boy rock peddled by a bunch of bloated blokes in bootcut jeans.

The assembled numskulls in Ben Sherman shirts whooped and hollered without giving much thought to Japan, rather, more concerned about getting 8 pints of Belgian lager in them as quickly as humanly possible, through a parade of po-faced stadium bloke hits.

The gig was orchestrated by Liam Gallagher and Weller who were really moved by the trouble in Japan, probably because Yoko Ono is from there or summat.

The Beatles featured heavily on this evening of well-intended turd rock with The Coral performing ‘Ticket To Ride’, Paul Weller teaming up with Stereophonics for a grisly take on ‘Come Together’ and Beady Eye closing the show with a vomit inducing ‘Across The Universe’.

In amongst the white men playing guitars were Graham Coxon playing his guitar, as well as Primal Scream playing their guitars.

Frontman Liam Gallagher, a chap notorious for his sympathy toward other humans, dedicated ‘Kill For A Dream’ to “all the people in Japan.” Presumably, it was the moving line of “these dark glasses need something to do” which swung it.

Not a dry gusset in the house etc etc

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Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.

Another week, another Monday. Another soul-grinding day of pretending to like your colleagues. Even Dave in security, who will tell you all about his weekend’s sexploits despite the whole office knowing he hasn’t seen any ladybits in fifteen years.

Well come ye here, settle down in front of the glowing slavemaster, and bury your face in this week’s Mango…

Three reviews, each represented as a thought that the thought-havers who buy them might have thought.

Firstly: Keep Calm And Carry On, Stereophonics. We’re unsure, but the title of this latest album from the Welsh subpubrockers may have been chosen as a message to someone browsing the racks of a music store. A moment of blind panic, as he sees the word ‘Stereophonics’, and wonders whether the band’s continuing existence is a sign of The End Times. The innocent browser, frozen in his horror.

Then, those soothing words catch his eye: ‘keep calm and carry on’. Ah, yes. Released from his binds of terror, the man is free to move on.

Because they really are terrible, aren’t they? Most of the songs on this album wouldn’t be too bad, in the right context. I Got Your Number, for instance, might be quite catchy if it had been sung by McFly. But when Kelly Jones gets his raspy, smoky, constipationy vocal cords around it, the thing goes downhill quicker than a fat man in a barrel.

But do you know what’s the worst thing about this album? Well, we give to you the words of Trouble:

I’m in trouble, you’re in trouble. Deep, deep trouble’s gonna burst our bubble.

Stereophonics: now taking inspiration from Shampoo. This album is represented by the thought:

Christ, those lasses from the 90s have really aged badly. On this song, which I can only assume is a re-release of their biggest hit, the blond one sings like a constipated Ent.

I hate myself, please take me to this album on Amazon.

Secondly, Winter Songs, Ronan Keating. Ronan, who Wikipedia claims is 32 years old, releases an album of Christmas-themed songs. There is no way this can end well.

Softer than an angel’s feather. Sweeter than fudge dipped in icing sugar. More shit than the elephant enclosure at Whipsnade the day after an accidental release of Dulcolax into their drinking water.

None of these comments made it into the album’s press release, and that’s a shame. Because people do need to be warned about albums like this. “Parental Advisory: Terrible Lyrics“, perhaps. Or, “Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while listening to this album, as it may cause you to enter a psychotic fugue state and plow your car or heavy machinery into innocent people”.

Oh, but it’s a stinker. How the hell do you suck every last atom of emotion from the classic Homeward Bound? How do you make Little Drummer Boy even more sickly cloying than anyone else has previously managed? That includes the saxophone version by Kenny fricking G.

In fact, that’s the absolute worst thing we can say about this album. Keep the snark, here’s your take-home message. Ronan Keating’s new album: worse than a recording of Little Drummer Boy by Kenny fricking G.

Here’s your thought:

Okay, I’ve got all my little pottery dolls lined up here. Each one’s got a little cup of tea, lol so cute! And I’m sucking on a lovely fudge-wrapped sugarcube. Now let’s listen to the new album by Ronan Keating, my fave, I love him lol! Oh. Oh God. Oh my God. That is even worse than the sax version of Little Drummer Boy by Kenny fricking G.

I promise I will not drive or operate heavy machinery, please take me to this album.

Thirdly, Against All Odds, N-Dubz. Ah, the Dubz. Riding in on a big, strong horse to rescue this week’s reviews from total tedium (presumably, a tricked-out horse, with green LEDs under its belly and 18 inch chrome horseshoes).

Grime, garage, urban, nuskool flip flop: call it what you will, it is presented here with levels of charm and – steady yourself – sophistication that put it well beyond their competitors. And if you don’t agree, our very own Stuart Heritage can tell you that Dappy will be round your house to make you look small, then bury you. Scary.

This album is represented by the thought:

Dappy’s got a silly hat! It’s silly! He’s the nuskool flip flop version of that knobfiddle from Jamiroquai.

I enjoy music for the emotions it makes me feel, like happiness and giddiness. Please take me to this album.

Have a good week, Mangons.

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We’d always assumed that one of the basic edicts of life was that nobody really likes The Stereophonics very much.

Sure, people might listen to Stereophonics in their cars occasionally, but that doesn’t mean they’re fans of Stereophonics – just that they want to drown out the sound of the crying kidnapped baby they’ve locked in their boot and it’s the only thing they could find.

However, we could have been wrong. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics so much that he’s had one of their album titles tattooed down his arm. That album, by the way, is Just Enough Education To Perform rather than… oh, let’s not pretend we can remember what any Stereophonics albums are called, shall we?

Tattoos are such a minefield, aren’t they? Get one on your lower back and everyone will think you’re a slut. Ask for one that says ‘peace’ in Indian and you run the risk of having the Indian word for ‘wanker’ tattooed on you by an artist who knows you’ll never find out. Get one of Girls Aloud and, well, you are a wanker.

But Wayne Rooney knows this. Not only is Wayne Rooney old and wise enough to make his own decisions – although the bulk of those decisions admittedly do revolve around having sex with really old hookers – but his new wife is also a columnist in a downmarket women’s magazine, so she’s probably been on a training course about ill-advised tattoos as well or something.

No, when it comes to tattoos Wayne Rooney if effortlessly well-informed and… what? Wayne Rooney’s done what? Of The Stereophonics? Oh dear christ, that sounds awful. The Telegraph reports:

The Manchester United and England star has had “Just Enough Education To Perform” etched on his right forearm. The line is the title of an album by his favourite band, The Stereophonics. The football star is such a fan of The Stereophonics that McLoughlin arranged for them to give a surprise performance during the couple’s week-long wedding celebrations in Italy last month.

Ah, do you see? The tattoo has multiple meanings. ‘Just Enough Education To Perform’ refers to Wayne Rooney’s own life – he left school without any GCSEs – plus it’s also a way of saying that Wayne Rooney really really likes Stereophonics and therefore wouldn’t know what decent music sounds like if it punched him in his big stupid face.

But still, Wayne Rooney’s the one who has to spend the rest of his life looking at the tattoo, not us, so as long as he’s happy with it there shouldn’t be a problem.

Although we do think it would have been more sensible if Wayne had got a tattoo with a functional message that helped his memory instead – something like ‘Don’t Eat Crayons’ or ‘Old Ladies Aren’t Sexually Attractive’.