Sherlock Holmes is one of the most abiding detective characters in literary history. Along with his sycophantic companion, Dr John Watson, the amateur consulting detective uses his powers of deduction to solve the most fiendishly cryptic cases in Victorian London amazing one and all with his capacity for lateral thinking and disguise as he does so.

Conan Doyle’s books have been adapted for television, radio and film on many occasions and every iteration of the classic stories brings its own idea of how the Holmes/Watson dynamic works. Just look at ‘Sherlock’, the BBC’s surprisingly enjoyable updating of the series which began with a reimagining of A Study In Scarlet and you can see that the world of Sherlock Holmes is as relevant to today’s audiences as those half a century ago.

Then there was Guy Ritchie’s enjoyable romp through Victorian London which starred Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law as the duo who cracked-wise and cracked heads through a story which had its roots in the supernatural and came with a very steam punk feel (you know, like Wild Wild West but not as crap).

Luckily for fans of that particular incarnation, Ritchie wasn’t content to rest on the laurels of the first film and in the pursuit of more money to fund his divorce has gone all out in order to ensure that there are as many explosions, gunshots, pulled underskirts and longing looks as possible. You know, to make sure that cinema audiences don’t get bogged down in one of Ritchie’s famously cerebral plots.

The new trailer was released yesterday and manages to cram about eighty slow motion ‘bullet time’ shots into a two and a half minute window, implying that the film might be entirely shot at half speed in order to make sure everyone can keep up with the twists and turns of Holmes’ psychological journey into the past, the present and his case.

Or maybe it’s just yet another dumb action movie with loads of explosions and moments of “minor peril”.

Watch the trailer and decide for yourself. Or don’t. It’s no skin off our noses.

The riots in London have seen unprecedented horseshit. People are randomly saying place names and everyone is getting really jumpy, wishing they’d built nuclear bunkers filled with sausages and beans in a tin, where they’ll hide until armageddon comes.

Today has seen Londoners going out in force with brooms and bin bags, attempting to tidy up the mess caused by the fires and looting. Some of them will no doubt find a load of iPads under a hedge and trouser them.

But where are our celebrities? Well, they’re hiding in their gated communities, tweeting about it all like they give two hoots, condemning the rioters and ordering everyone to tidy up because, let’s face it, they’re certainly not going to do it.

Jessie J, Wayne Rooney and Stephen Fry are among the stars who have spoken out against the marauding marauders of London on Twitter.

Wayne Rooney wrote:

“These riots are nuts why would people do this to there own country. Own city. This is embarrassing for our country. Stop please.”

*SIGH* It’s like listening to one of Martin Luther King’s speeches isn’t it? Meanwhile, Piers ‘listened to a voicemail of Paul McCartney but doesn’t seem to think anything is peculiar about that’ Morgan was in typically sympathetic mood:

“Millions of people are suffering in this financial crisis, but not looting/rioting/pillaging – no sympathy for these yobs whatsoever.”

Jessie J, meanwhile, wafted her hand and asked for everyone else to do the dirty work of cleaning up London, saying:

“Calling all #heartbeats please go to www.riotcleanup.com and see where you can help get London back to how we all deserve it to be. #riotcleanup”.

Stephen Fry was a little more helpful, but not much:

“I do hope that if I was in London now I’d be as good & brave & kind as all those who are agreeing to meet & help clean up #RiotCleanup”.

Elsewhere, the news blames twitter for organising the riots in the first place because they really don’t understand the internet yet.

Anyway, hands-up who laughed because this is all happening in London?

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This week hasn’t proved too kindly for females has it? To hecklerspray, all women are wonderful creations that make our lives better on a daily basis. Even though you need an instruction manual the thickness of a washing machine to work out how they work. Unless you’re a gay man it seems.

Some of the fascinating facts about women will never be discovered. But we won’t make fun of Stephen Fry. We don’t want him to cry and threaten to leave Twitter.

Now men have come in for a ticking off. Not off a lesbian like Claire Balding, but a shaggy haired motoring bloke, James May. You know, the fourth most popular presenter after Clarkson, the one that does the terrible Morrison’s adverts and the recently ousted Stig.

May won’t be winning any fans as he’s claimed that all modern men are morons. Further still, you might bore women senseless, only interacting with them until they beg for your sperm juice.

This is turning in to some sort of sexual conundrum that no-one seems capable of solving. Not even the replacement for Carol Vorderman on Countdown could work this one out. We’ll start the beginning, cast your mind back to what knowledge guru Stephen Fry allegedly said:

“I feel sorry for straight men. The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want.”

“Of course, a lot of women will deny this and say, ‘Oh no, but I love sex, I love it!’ But do they go around having it the way that gay men do?”

Okay, so women only want sex if it’s in a relationship. Great, we’ll throw that in to our calculator, totally forgetting one night stands, flings and situations of cheating whilst in a marriage/relationship. But James May has oddly decided to have a go at the modern bloke and wade in to the argument that men nowadays don’t know their arse from their elbow.

The Daily Mail report May saying:

“I keep reading that women are better at school and now better at parking, better at navigating. And we are sort of laughing at it going, “Ho ho ho, I’m just a bloke”

Reading between the lines as best we can, he wants to stop this culture of boys not being bothered about underperforming and waiting till they grow up to learn key life skills. That’s all well and good, but randomly a huge line is crossed as May switches from innocent education issues to the murky world of sex.

The Daily Mail again quote May as saying:

“In my lifetime men will only be required to keep sperm at operating temperature and they will have no other functions. If men do not return to their more masculine roles, women will soon no longer have a use for them except as sperm donors.”

But hold on a second! We thought women didn’t want sex unless they were in a relationship?! Surely if a rubbish bloke can’t impress with skills like capturing a spider in a cup or opening a jar of pickles we’re all doomed!

No-one will want to get down and dirty, therefore the animal kingdom seems likely to rise up and knock us off our position as top species.

What we need is a sex off between Stephen Fry, James May and a group of women to see who is right once and for all.

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Stephen Fry- author, presenter, actor, and Britain’s most popular choice of dinner party guest has confirmed that he is to play Mycroft Holmes, older brother to Sherlock in the planned sequel to last year’s surprise hit film. We say ‘surprise’ because the film’s director Guy Ritchie spectacularly wrong-footed everyone in 2009 by making a competent blockbuster about the 19^th century smug-bastard detective.

After a heroically terrible run of films, Ritchie has had something of a renaissance over the last few years.

First there was the marriage split. Whereas in 2000 us Brits were quite proud to have Madonna over ‘ere, buyin’ our mansions and shaggin’ our mockneys, in 2008 the dream has gone a bit sour. We were quite content with her being a humourless career disco-cyborg but then she pretended to be English.

We don’t even like it when Americans act English in films so we were never going to like that accent. Then it got worse and she became too American and adopted one of those Hollywood cults that only work on people who are that perfect combination of cash rich, spiritually empty and self-loving.

So in eight short years we went from thinking Guy Ritchie was living the dream to wanting him to save himself before he was sucked into the swirling vortex of bullshit that was building up around his missus.

All of a sudden the papers were full of stories about him escaping to the pub to be with his mates. The breakdown of his marriage finally got him those working class credentials he’d been searching for. Unfortunately there was still the sticky problem of his being a one-trick pony, and when your one trick is sound tracked by Ocean Colour Scene, it’s time to panic.

Critics were rubbing their hands with glee when it was announced that Ritchie would be directing a big-screen version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous creation.

Maybe Sherlock would be nicknamed ‘Deerstalka’ we wondered, and perhaps an east-end voiceover might describe Professor Moriarty as “one nasty bastard”.

Sadly for them, the movie was a well-directed piece of throwaway Saturday night action. It may have made little sense but it looked the part and the action was well shot.

Which bring us back to present day. The wonderful Mr Fry announced on Radio 5 that he will be joining Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law in the sequel, scheduled for a 2011 release. The film will also feature Noomi Rapace from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

So there.

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This week in good and bad.

Folded:

• Stephen Fry at his best (guess who his target is..?)
• Want to make a Tron costume for Halloween? This is still the best one out there (warning: contains testes)
• Some clarification on the most talked about baffling film of the last thirty years (not Inception)
• Randy Quaid (Yes! Cousin Eddie has come to stay!)
• Twitter worm (it takes a  virus to realise you’ve been wasting most of your day)

Creased:

• Eminem (currently has eight songs in the charts, all from 2002)
• Mad Men spoilers on Twitter (what is it about this show that causes everyone in the U.S. to hashtag ruin it for the rest of us?)
• That cringy bit at the end of The X-Factor where the judges make out an obviously talented singer won’t be put through to ‘boot camp’ (“You raise me up”, “This is my perfect moment” – take your pick)
• It’s so cold out (yes, pillock in t-shirt, we’re talking to you)
• Passport office (ever been to one of these places? They’re staffed by the entire cast of The League of Gentlemen)

Stephen Fry is the Dad we wished we all had here at Hecklerspray, mainly because he’s less drinky-drinky-touchy-feely than our real Dads, but also because he’s so loveable and he loves technology.

Fry has always showcased his love for technology and yesterday conducted the first ever newspaper interview via twitter, in which he used the popular but ultimately pointless and constantly broken social network to talk to the only man in the UK with a name more ridiculous than (the sparkly new editor of Hecklerspray) Mof Gimmers. The impossibly smug Johann Hari.

Johann the man seemed to be hoping to get a few followers out of this as without following him it just looked like Stephen Fry had had a bit of a breakdown and decided the best way to advertise this to the world was starting to interview himself live on the internet, in a way that was too clever for us to really make fun of. Think Mel Gibson’s phone rants mixed with the Times crossword.

Hari also seemed to spend a bit too long asking Stephen Fry about his appearance and aspects of his love life. A ‘proper’ journalist would tell you that this is because, as a sufferer of manic-depression, Fry’s image of himself appears to be horribly distorted, to the point where he seems to look in the mirror and sees a man with Michael Jackson’s face and Rick Waller’s body staring back at him.

However, after much discussion within the not-so-serious confines of the Hecklerspray office, it was obvious that the reason for all the personal questions was because Hari fancies being the yoghurt pot to Fry’s spoon (apologies if that’s put you off your lunch, especially once you know what Hari looks like).

The self described, “European Social Democrat,” who managed to call the Dalai Lama a bitch, then proceeded to name drop Dolly Parton and Busted during the pre-amble, couldn’t be more of a smug faced goon if he tried.

Sorry if I’ve now ruined yoghurt for you, blame Johann.

Stephen Fry isn’t what you’d call the most obstreperous of inhabitants of Celebrity World.

Apart from when he got a mighty huff on when some puny worm dared to go onto Twitter and call him a “tedious monolith” (or whatever), he tends to keep his own counsel and keep his slagging to a minimum, preferring instead to work on being the affable gay uncle of the whole of Britain. In fact, getting a sharp word against you from Fry would be rather like a flamboyantly-waistcoated, bespectacled and gently avuncular Beatrix Potter bear abruptly giving you the finger.

But his recent speech at BAFTA seemed to bring out his big old bitch side, as he bemoaned the infantilism of British television, dismissing such gleaming jewels in the Beeb’s programming crown as Doctor Who and Merlin as “children’s programmes” and comparing their pappy charms to evil, delicious junk food.

As a chill ran through the nerd underworld and more than a few sentient adults sat bolt upright and sharply re-evaluated their lives, the news travelled to new Doctor Who Godhead and professional sarky Scot Steven Moffat. And it did not go down well. Ladies and gentlemen: we have ourselves a rubbish rumble!

According to Digital Spy, Moffat responded with well-honed passive aggressive stylings:

“Doctor Who’s not for adults? I can count some here! Let’s be fair, Stephen Fry’s one of the biggest Doctor Who fans in the world, he was just trying to sound grown up. The comparison with chicken nuggets? This is a very, very high-end, very, very high-quality show. It has absolutely no comparison with junk food at all and Stephen knows it. That’s Twitter he’s thinking about! Stephen loves Doctor Who so don’t worry about it.”

Wait, is that it?! Come on, Moffat! No sly digs about a once-great comedic career reduced to presiding over the smuggest panel show on TV and occasionally orgasming over Apple products? No cheeky mentions of his former partner now being paid $14 billion per episode to grump around a hospital with spray-on hair? Not even offering him out for a homo-erotic wrestle in a paddling pool full of raspberry jelly? What a disappointment. We’ve got too spoilt by histrionic Katona/Jordan and Pandre/Reid smackdowns. The shame.

We can only hope that Moffat’s revenge will be served cold, as he reveals the big bad for the next series of Doctor Who: a mellifluous monster cloned from Oscar Wilde‘s pubes implanted into an armoured shell, intent on taking over the planet armed only with a thesaurus on an iPad and a million sycophantic @-branded followers. The Twitterthyrin. Fear him!

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Tim Burton drags us down the rabbit-hole kicking and screaming in this adaptation of the children’s book Alice In Wonderland, managing to take away any of the wonderment that many may have felt for this beloved tale.

You would think that the pairing of Burton with Lewis Carroll‘s famous series would be a film of visual splendour, but Burton’s approach here is to suck any life out of this Wonderland, and many of its inhabitants too. Visually, its reliance on special effects makes this world seem artificial and Burton’s unique aesthetics look uninspired. You never feel that you are walking around this world with Alice and her chums.

Alice (Mia Wasikowska) could do with a lick of life herself, with the standard Burton turn-on for making his leads look like they have an iron deficiency – but Alice matches this with a lack of personality as well. She coasts through the film with this mystical absentness, attributing much of her surroundings to a bad dream and constantly never reacting to the situation with any real conviction. Much of this film rests on her shoulders and it isn’t long before the weight has crushed poor Wasikowska.

Not that she is the main draw here – my god – let’s not forget that this movie has Johnny Depp in it. Yes, it’s that wacky bed-fellow of Burton, turning up looking like some weird 80’s Madonna music video, while wearing Carrot Top’s pubes on his head. His performance is eccentric to the point that any fascination you may have once had for the character is quickly forgotten. Depp even supplies a comedy Scottish accent at times – because it worked so well for Mike Myers in Austin Powers.

The film does have its moments; mainly in the form of The Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter), whose inflated head and matching ego find the right balance between being a menacing beast and a humorous addition to the world of Underland. It seems too that Stephen Fry and Matt Lucas got the memo, making both the Cheshire Cat and the Tweedle twins captivating in their small amount of screen time.

You may think we are skirting around the plot here and in honesty we’re not – it is just there is no plot to talk about in the first place. There is some guff about Alice fighting some dragon and finding her way to The White Queen (Anne Hathaway), but it’s pretty irrelevant, taking second fiddle to Depp and the unimpressive visuals.

The White Queen herself floats around pointlessly with the plot, Anne Hathaway playing her as if walking on air and talking like she’s on the edge of sexual climax – it makes for excruciating viewing.

When Alice finally confronts the dragon on a CG chessboard, the conclusion feels so out of place with the world. The final battle is Burton just regurgitating every other unsatisfying Hollywood climax but with his added visual pretentiousness. Throw in a moral message that is as confused as the audience and you have one of the most disappointing films in recent years.

And if you thought that the 3D would assault you senses, then wait until you hear the closing credits song by Avril Lavigne – clearly Wonderland’s most horrific creation.

‘Spray Rating: 2/5

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It’s not surprising there are so many movie stars and directors on Twitter.

Well, let’s face it, they have not got much else to do, have they? Doing two movies a year, the odd junket and endless parties is hardly the most demanding schedule.

So why not spend some of your time annoying the hell out of them? To help you in your task, we have provided a list of Hollywood stars who somehow find the time to regularly update their Twitter accounts. Oh, and for some reason we also included John Mayer.

Enjoy!
26. Shahrukh Khan

India’s biggest movie star

http://twitter.com/shahrukh_khan

Typical tweet: “Mycoprotein cutlets are a very good alternative to pork or chicken or veal, it seems.”

25. Jennifer Aniston’s ex-boyfriend

John Mayer

http://twitter.com/johncmayer

Typical tweet: “Interviews with Seacrest are like flooring it in a golf cart: you’re not going fast enough to do any real damage, but you still hold tight.”

24. Emma Watson

Harry Potter actress

http://twitter.com/mwtsnx

Typical tweet: Another private one – but we are guessing it’s about shopping and eating.

23. Nikki Reed

Actress from Thirteen and Twilight

http://twitter.com/itsnikkibitch

Typical tweet: “Found photos of rob & I from yesterday. Good thing you stayed at home or you would have had a meltdown,” in response to Kristen Stewart, whose account is currently suspended.

22. David Silverman

Simpsons Animator and director; co-director of Monsters, Inc

http://twitter.com/tubatron

Typical tweet: “Now that I’ve lost so much on the stock market, it pains me that I didn’t spend money friviously instead.”

21. Dane Cook

Unfunniest person on the planet who is in movies sometimes

http://twitter.com/Dane_Cook

Typical tweet: “WOW! everybody’s twiterring now! looks like i’m not the only loser hahaha.”

20. Rachel Bilson

Actress and less-than-frequent Twitterer

http://twitter.com/rachel_bilson

Typical tweet: “Shopping! Shhhhhh.”

19. Kevin Pollak

Actor

http://twitter.com/kevinpollak

Typical tweet: “Were the Jonas Bros sent here by a messenger of good or evil…..?”

18. Diablo Cody

Former stripper and screenwriter

http://twitter.com/diablocody

Typical tweet: “Gotta go. Feeding the parents.”

17. Jane Fonda

Actress

http://twitter.com/JaneFonda

Typical tweet: “Just approved the last few pages on my blog which will launch tonight. Exciting…..I’ve got to get some sleep soon, hopefully launch soon.”

16. Channing Tatum

‘Actor’

http://twitter.com/channingtatum

Typical tweet: “Check Out Channing Tatum’s Top Ten BIGGEST Fans for 2009!!!”

15. John Lithgow

Actor

http://twitter.com/John_Lithgow

Typical tweet: “So the front page of the NY Times compared my hairline to Elvis’ on Friday. Is this a compliment?”

14. George Takei

Star Trek legend

http://twitter.com/georgetakei

Typical tweet: “Our thoughts go out to the families from the plane crash in New York. Make sure you hug those close to you and let them know you care.”

13. Jean Claude Van Damme

Muscles from Brussels

http://twitter.com/jcvd

Typical tweet: “Hello toutes mes new fans sur Twitter. Le love que je feel sur ce site depuis two days me donne autant d’energy que la pectine d’une pomme.” – No idea, but it has something to do with an apple.

12. George Lucas

Director

http://twitter.com/George_Lucas

Typical tweet: “Kids are really loving the new Clone Wars series”

11. Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Governator

http://twitter.com/schwarzenegger

Typical tweet: “It is not that California is ungovernable. It’s that for too long we have been split by ideology.”

10. Kevin Smith

Film Director, Actor

http://twitter.com/ThatKevinSmith

Typical tweet: “Just woke up. Am taking the morning dump.”

9. William Shatner

Legend

http://twitter.com/WilliamShatner

Typical tweet: “Ricardo Montalban was a wonderful man I saw him on Broadway I was entertained by his movies. I loved working with him on the film we made.”

8. Ashton Kutcher

Actor

http://www.twitter.com/aplusk

Typical tweet: “Apparently I have all my planets in Aries. Which means I need to work on listening more. What?”

7. John Cleese

Python etc

http://twitter.com/JohnCleese

Typical tweet: “some people spout complete twaddle. they could be spouting incomplete twaddle and leaving the remaining twaddle for us. thoughtless!”

6. David Lynch

Overrated director

http://twitter.com/DAVID_LYNCH

Typical tweet: “Thought of the Day: Stay true to the idea.”

5. Stephen Fry

English national treasure and sometime movie actor and director

http://twitter.com/stephenfry

Typical tweet: “600 people went to the theatre, not to see Oliver but to compete in a paper & chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.”

4. Vanessa Hudgens

High School Musical actress

http://twitter.com/VanessaHudgens

Typical tweet: “Just bought a juicer online. The name of the game is enzymes: who knew?”

3. Demi Moore

Annoying actress and Twitter nut

http://twitter.com/mrskutcher

Typical tweet: “Hubby torturing me!”

2. Luke Wilson

Slightly-less-popular-than-brother actor

http://twitter.com/LukeWilson

Typical tweet: “It’s hard to keep this twitter thing updated! I should hire someone to do this! ”

1. Elijah Wood

Actor and hobbit

http://twitter.com/elijahwood

Typical tweet: “Dancing in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Biz, lol”

Now follow hecklerspray on Twitter too, please, you sods.

We know plenty of celebrity twits – but how about celebrity Twitterers?

The blue bird of Twitter has been soaring recently, attracting some of the biggest names in the entertainment industry to share their thoughts with the internet community. It’s not hard to understand why it’s such a big hit among the inhabitants of celeb-land – after all, it means they get a chance to talk about their favourite topic – themselves.

For those of you who have never heard of Twitter (where the hell have you been?), it’s basically the latest social messaging fad.

Of course, at hecklerspray, we do not have PR slaves at our beck and call. We also try and avoid communicating with other people as much as possible – that’s why we’re based in London. So we rely on some homeless guy called Barry to fill our fans in with the latest goings-on at Hecklerspray Towers, fed only by the stale Jaffa Cakes and half-drunk cans of flat Dr Pepper we throw his way from time to time.

It’s proved to be a big hit, with some even suggesting that it’s better than the site itself. Of course, this is, firstly, totally wrong, because on the site, well, we have pictures and stuff. It’s also highly frustrating, as we could have saved a fortune on Stu’s wages.

Anyway, as we mentioned before, some celebs – let’s call them Twits – have no such problems. They happily tell those who follow them on Twitter what they’re up to.

Well, to make things easy for you, we have decided to compile a few lists of celebrities you can follow on Twitter. What you do from thereon, is entirely up to you – but just remember who gave you the details in the first place.

This week: comedians.

30. Traci Skene
Comedian from New Jersey
http://twitter.com/traciskene
Typical tweet: “I have to get rid of my gray roots… so I’m going to kill all the old people in my family.”

29. Dominic Holland
Sometimes funny UK comic
http://twitter.com/domholland
Typical tweet: “My wife is a bit melancholy these days – body like a melon, face like a colly.”

28. Josh Sneed
US comedian
http://twitter.com/joshsneed
Typical tweet: “Wasn’t Sophia Loren just in the dead actor’s montage?”

27. Phil Jupitus
Tubby UK comic

http://twitter.com/phillipjupitus
Typical tweet: “I’m loving those monkeys, those lovely little monkeys.”

26. Linda Gambino
US comic
http://twitter.com/lindagambino
Typical tweet: “F%ck off cupid, with your stupid wings and arrows.”

25. Frankie Boyle
Very funny Scottish comedian who would be higher but has not really said anything funny yet. Come on Frankie!!
http://twitter.com/frankieboyle
Typical tweet: “Having a ganster party.”

24. Richard Herring
British comic and writer
http://twitter.com/Herring1967
Typical tweet: “Getting an Oscar might be even better if it did have shampoo inside.”

23. Tim Minchin
Odd-looking Aussie comedian

http://twitter.com/timminchin
Typical tweet: “I now have a cold. This is good, cos being on a plane with a 2yr old for 20 hours was going to be too easy. Love a challenge, esp w snot.”

22. Eric Schwartz
US comedian
http://twitter.com/ericschwartz
Typical tweet: “Did Sophia Loren win Best Actress for her role as Chewbacca?”

21. Dave Hill
American funnyman
http://twitter.com/mrdavehill
Typical tweet: “I just had a pizza party with my parents and I ate so much pizza my parents couldn’t believe it! We might have ice cream later!“

20. David Mitchell
UK comedian
http://twitter.com/RealDMitchell
Typical tweet: “Thank you so much for believing I’m the real me! I’ve double checked and I still am.”

19. John Wessling
US comic and person who came with the funniest line during the Oscars (below)
http://twitter.com/johnwessling
Typical tweet: “another monday and yet another pinched nerve in my neck…What the FUCK??? Sweet Purple Jesus! Can’t I just have one normal goddamn day?!.”

18. Dave Gorman
UK funnyman
http://twitter.com/Dave_Gorman
Typical tweet: “Not sure how far I cycled. Bethnal Green to Broxbourne/Nazeing way. And then back. Mostly following the River Lea. Any idea how far that is?“

17. Nick Thune
US comedian

http://twitter.com/nickthune
Typical tweet: “When’s the award for Brad Pitt’s Best Wife?”

16. Penn Jillette
Comic and magician
http://twitter.com/pennjillette
Typical tweet: “Best compliment at the Rio, from a guy in a cowboy hat, ‘I’ve gutted a lot of deer and you’re ‘Sawing a Woman into Halves’ was perfect’.”

15. Doug Benson
US comedian
http://twitter.com/dougbenson
Typical tweet: “Ben Kingsley and Mickey Rourke should be Bond villains. In the same movie!”

14. Danny Wallace
UK comedian who is on TV sometimes
http://twitter.com/misterwallace
Typical tweet: “Stephanie Beecham gets makeup on her feet. I did not know girls did this.”

13. Rob Brydon
Welsh comic and star of UK hit show Gavin and Stacey

http://twitter.com/RealRobBrydon
Typical tweet: “Almost ten hours of sleep, a modern day personal best!”

12. Mike Bridenstine
US comedian
http://twitter.com/brido
Typical tweet: “Ryan Seacrest interviewing Miley Cyrus is like watching shit interview diarrhea.”

13. Alan Davies
Stephen Fry sidekick and tramp biter
http://twitter.com/alandavies1
Typical tweet: “Holy smoke! ‘Go away and get yourself reconstructed’, as a drama teacher once said to me.”

12. Ian Hislop
Smug UK satirist and Tin-Tin lookalike
http://twitter.com/ianhislop
Typical tweet: “OK, everyone, I think this guy needs friends; he is from Glastonbury and not many have electricity down there, quite a feat!”

11. Alan Carr
UK funnyman with teeth like a row of dilapidated housing
http://twitter.com/AlanCarr
Typical tweet: “Regretting eating that extra portion of tenderstem broccoli, got awful wind. Nearly blew out my scented candle”

10. Russell Brand
TV presenter, ‘comedian’ and Cockney urchin
http://twitter.com/rustyrockets
Typical tweet: “I’m in bed with my cat Morrissey. He’d be furious if he knew I was writing this. He conveys affection by milking me, sans consent. Grim.”

9. Eddie Izzard
UK comic who is not as funny as he used to be (and it hurts us to say it)
http://twitter.com/EddieIzzard
Typical tweet: “Sometimes life doesn’t let you decide between cake or death.”

8. Stephen Colbert
Captain America

http://twitter.com/stephencolbert
Typical tweet: “Remember kids! In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant.”

7. John Cleese
Some bloke who was in James Bond or something
http://twitter.com/JohnCleese
Typical tweet: “Thank you everyone for the messages. Remember I am practically dead, barely functional. Your patience is appreciated. Will blog again soon”

6. Jimmy Fallon
American Comedian and TV presenter
http://twitter.com/jimmyfallon
Typical tweet: “I was never a waiter. I was a bag boy, bottle return boy and a video store clerk. Btw no disrespect to waiters. Hardest job.”

5. Bert Kreischer
US comedian
http://twitter.com/bertkreischer
Typical tweet: “Sara jessica parker’s tits are kicking goldie hawns tits in the ass.”

4. Steve Agee
US comedian
http://twitter.com/steveagee
Typical tweet: “I’d like to see Reese’s wither’d poon!”

3. John Hodgman
Daily Show contributor and generally amusing bloke
http://twitter.com/hodgman
Typical tweet: “A young child with a high fever pointed out to me that the wicked witch of the west is actually a wiccan.”

2. Tina Fey
Funny woman who Sarah Palin looks a lot like
http://twitter.com/tinafey
Typical tweet: “What does Monica Lewinski say to her new boyfriend? ‘It’s close, but it’s no cigar’.”

1. Stephen Fry
English national treasure

http://twitter.com/stephenfry
Typical tweet: “600 people went to the theatre, not to see Oliver but to compete in a paper & chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.”

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