Stephen Baldwin - HecklerSpray

Celebrity Big Brother: Final Week, Who’ll Win?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

There was another Celebrity Big Brother double eviction on Friday night, with Sisqo and Stephen Baldwin getting the chop.

Frankly we’re heartbroken. We had high hopes that Stephen Baldwin would end up winning Celebrity Big Brother. He was Celebrity Big Brother‘s Jedward. He could have gone on to release a cover of Ice Ice Baby with Vanilla Ice had he won. But no, you people made sure that would never happen. You idiots.

Still, this is the final week of Celebrity Big Brother and, like it or not, someone’s got to win. Let’s find out who it’ll be…

Celebrity Big Brother: Heidi & Katia Mercifully Go Home

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Celebrity Big Brother viewer, you have spoken. And it’s because of you that Heidi and Katia are no more.

Not literally no more, you understand – this is Celebrity Big Brother, not Jim’ll Fix It – but they’ve been evicted anyway. What’ll they do now that they’re free agents? Who knows – our guess is that Katia will try to sell lurid stories about Basshunter‘s penis and Heidi will continue to slowly and visibly melt like some kind of depressed snowman – but let’s forget about those idiots.

There are still all kinds of woeful dullards in the Celebrity Big Brother house, so let’s have a peek at them instead. Good idea? No? Well tough, we’re doing it anyway…

Celebrity Big Brother: Heidi, Katia & Sov Up

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Oh thank God for that. This time last week it looked as if Celebrity Big Brother had got its mojo back.

It hadn’t, of course. Now it’s clear that the closest thing to a celebrity in the Celebrity Big Brother this year is a woman who was on Coronation Street for a short amount of time a year ago, the audience has fallen away again, with people only tuning in out of a mixture of snow-induced tedium and profound self-loathing.

However, Celebrity Big Brother is still going – with Heidi Fleiss, Katia Ivanova and Lady Sovereign first up for eviction – so we’d better see how all the housemates are doing, right? Hooray for everything…

Celebrity Big Brother 2010: This Year’s Band Of Cack-Awful Dullards

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Celebrity Big Brother is here again, for the very last time. Oh, at least try to look excited, would you?

Because when it’s gone, it’s gone for good. And where will you get to see barely-famous Z-listers debasing themselves in a series of horrific ways for a comparatively meagre amount of cash when it’s over? What? Hotel Babylon? Oh.

But anyway, as is our wont, we’ll be dipping in and out of Celebrity Big Brother over the next few weeks to keep you up to date about whatever dreary self-promoting nonsense the housemates happen to be getting up to. But before that, let’s look at this year’s collection of Celebrity Big Brother subnormals, shall we?

Stephen Baldwin Goes Bankrupt, Bio-Dome Hopefully To Blame

July 23rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone seems to be suffering from some form of money trouble at the moment, and it isn’t funny at all.

Luckily, Stephen Baldwin has fixed that. Now, we should point out that Stephen Baldwin hasn’t fixed the part about everyone suffering – he hasn’t formulated a new global economic framework from a series of existing monetary theories and philosophies which will lead us all to a more fiscally-secure future. We meant the second bit. The not being funny bit. Stephen Baldwin has filed for bankruptcy. And it’s sort of funny.

Oh, we’re joking. We’re sort of joking. A bit.

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (USA): The Boys

August 5th, 2012 By Paul Gibson

The Americans, having nicked IASGMOOH from us, have failed to understand what makes the thing watchable: instead of cheeky Ant and Dec, they've got Myleene Klass hosting. A woman who donates sap, rather than blood.

Desperate as we are to witness talentless unknowns humiliate themselves on the telly, we genuinely can't wait for the news season of America's Got Talent. That doesn't start until June 23rd, but NBC love us so much they've provided a little bit of televisual methadone, pending the arrival of the heroin shipment.

After the jump, we introduce you to one half of the stale celebrity idiots. Today: the boys.

Stephen Baldwin Gets Hannah Montana Tattooed All Over Himself

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray was just 42 years old the song Electric Youth descended upon us from a gas station sound-system.

It was 1989, and to this day we believe that sweet vocal delivery was sent from heaven on high. You see, about two hours previously the cashier working inside had informed us the strawberry slurpee-maker was on the fritz, and we were thinking about ending it all as soon as some passing customer dropped a loaded shotgun, a woodman’s axe, or perhaps maybe a small bear or something. Yes, a bear would have done nicely.

But then Debbie Gibson buoyed our spirits the way only a teen icon can when she’s singing in a button-covered jean jacket with it’s collar fully extended. We got up, convinced the 7-11 clerk to just sell us a cup full of pure strawberry slurpee syrup instead, and went off into the night to face whatever challenges may come.

Debs saved our life that night. And to commemorate the love we can’t imagine she doesn’t probably have for us, we recently allowed Stephen Baldwin to get a tattoo of her placed anywhere on his body he wanted to.

Oh wait – that wasn’t a Debbie Gibson tattoo he just got – it was a Hannah Montana tattoo. Literally. Stephen Baldwin literally got a Hannah Montana tattoo inked permanently onto his skin somewhere. Now we’re going to put the word ‘literally’ in italics again just so you get how strange we think this all is – Literally.

Celebrity Apprentice Missing Quite A Few Actual Celebrities

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

With the writers' strike still wiping out shows on a daily basis, television will soon rely completely on reality shows – and what's more realistic than a giant crazy-haired windbag jabbing his finger at people who are, at best, only semi-famous?

Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice – the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.

We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.