“The lines are closed. The votes have been verified. And I can now reveal that the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is… Stephanie!”

And with that went my chance of making any money out of Paddy Power this week!

I had my lolly on creepy Mario and his plastic wife Lisa. Surely that was a banker of a bet? But no – the voting public thought otherwise and ousted pretty young thing Steph, the only one to really stand up to the gruesome twosome and their childish bullying.

Apart from those two sad acts, she was probably the only one who expected her name to be called by Davina, too. The faces of the others told that story quite clearly.

But hey… who will remember Steph now? It’s a cruel game this BB one and the blonde 19-year-old looker will be forgotten just like all those other first-week failures.

It’s a shame, I know. It was fun while it lasted Steph. But them’s the breaks. Honestly, it wasn’t you, it was me.

I just want us to be friends. And that’s the last time I will see you… until we meet in an Essex nightclub, you picking up your £200 appearance D-lister appearance fee for two songs and a snog with Adrian from Crawley on his birthday!

So it’s time to move on and take a look at the odds for the outright winner again.

Cookie-mad Thai Teletubby Kat is 2/1 to beat the rest of the field – but how long will we be able to put up with that screechy voice and those missing Rs?

Kat’s sweet, yes, but only in the same way a stick of rock is sweet. Eat too much and it leaves you rotten, rotten to the core.

No, I can’t see her still being everybody’s cup of tea (with eight sugars) this time next month, let alone in week 13.

So who’s next? Well, it’s chirpy northern Luke (3/1), who I read this week is a wrestling announcer! It’s a strange, old world sometimes. I would have had him down for a white coat and hairnet in an Eccles cake factory in Halifax, but there’s nowt queer as folk, as they say oop north.

Then comes the rest of the field – and at this stage, it might be fun to stick your hand in your pocket and play that field a little.

There’s Blind Mikey (9/2), Albino Darnell (10/1), Straight-and-Narrow Rachel (12/1), Masterchef Rex (14/1), Dishy Dale (16/1), Top-heavy Becky (25/1), Flirty single mum Jen (28\1), Everyone’s mate Mohamed (33/1), Gay dancer Dennis (66/1) and Sultry Sylvia. But this bunch are surely going to be around for another week at least.

That’s because this week it will be between this threesome (and what a horrible thought that is!): undercover shaggers Mario (100/1) and Lisa (80/1) – and the vile (but entertaining) Alex (200/1).

One of these three will go this week to shake it up a bit more – and, of course, there’s always the possibility of NEW HOUSEMATES! Not that I know anything, mind! Honest

Paddy Power will be offering odds on the next eviction just as soon as the nominations are announced.

Story by Richard Hughes

Here we go – it’s the first eviction night and one of the Wedding Task four will get kicked out of the Big Brother house.

Paddy Power think it’s going to be Mario (1-3). In fact, they are so sure, you can already place bets on such things as what he is going to do after leaving the house, how many times he’ll mention girlfriend Lisa in his eviction speech, and who he will say he wants to win. Unsurprisingly, Lisa is the favourite for that.

Give me a break, in fact, we wish it was Lisa leaving tonight. And at 25-1, I’m putting a shiny pound on such an outcome – in hope rather than expectation, admittedly.

Steph is 2-1 and Luke an outsider at 66-1.

To be fair to Luke, who has just begun wearing long trousers, he seems really, quite genuinely, possibly sickly, nice. He might even have that “ahhh” factor that will keep him in the house until the final week.

He couldn’t possibly do anything that would ever offend anybody – apart from blow the odd raspberry. And he must be odds-on to get that all-important mothers vote. Those mothers have quite a say, you know…

But might he be a baby-faced assassin? Might he be Bugsy in disguise? He definitely has comedy value galore, might that be part of his game plan?

Keep in with everyone! Surely that’s Luke’s strategy. If everybody loves him he will never get a nomination. But we’ve seen this before. The straight-edge housemates always come a cropper in the end. Sometimes they even snap. Oh, I do hope Luke snaps one night.

Look, I’m watching him now as he stares at a bottle of milk banging a spoon against his fingers. Ooh, and now he’s making tea. “I’m just having a cup of tea Mario. That’s the way it’s going to continue tonight, drinking tea.”

Is that the actions of a child about to snap?

Oh for fuck’s sake. Do something interesting you boring, boring bastard! Fall over more, that was funny. But perhaps you meant to do that, maybe it was part of your game plan. Perhaps you are the life and soul outside of the house.

Perhaps you drink vodka in bed while wanking off to Essex Babes and Northern Girls. Kick puppies in the street and steal jazz mags from newsagents.

Perhaps, just perhaps, you’re loaded with your cream-pie gun and you’ll suddenly flip, get it out and spray the house with your creamy bullets.

Oh, then you’d be a man, my son! Or perhaps not.

By Richard Hughes

Paddy Power reckon there’s a good chance that Steph (2-1) could be climbing the Big Brother stairs out of the house tomorrow.

It’s between her and favourite Mario (1/3), with his man-like girlfriend Lisa an outsider at 18-1 and northern salt-of-the-earth talent show host Luke safe as house. Mind you, that’s not saying much in this current climate?

I’m in two minds over Steph at the moment. One minute I can’t stand her sulky, open-mouth, incredulous face, the next I watch bewildered as she stands up to bully Alex while others around back off and shy away from confrontation.

I certainly don’t want to see her to go – that would mean Mario and Lisa staying, and the possibility of the watching those bucket hands rubbing baby oil into his leathery torso again is giving me sleepless nights. I don’t think I could stand that.

It was during this disgusting scene that he had the cheek to slag off Steph and Jen for their ‘degrading’ attire during the talent show. Yet, there he was, lying on his bed wearing a pair of nine-year-old boys pants getting a back rub from his own personal fish wife.

Finally, Steph told the annoying tosser to shut up – and how did he react. He paused for a moment before calling her – wait for it – a hemorrhoid!

Steph has had a pop at Alex, too. She stood up for Jen again – and the Vicky Pollard-like one – when they clashed with the potty-mouthed, hard-done-by stir-fry-thief over soggy chips.

However much it winds me up to see her make-up-less blank expression in the morning, I can’t help but admire Steph for getting stuck in where others have failed to.

Mario’s comments to Jen were disgusting. If she wants to dress up with Steph and pretend to be a Cheeky Girl, then he should keep his big, fat mouth shut. Especially after his sickening performance in the diary room on his birthday.

Jen seems to have a problem with confidence, which isn’t surprising being a 22-year-old single mum, and he completely killed her when all she was planning to do was have a bit of fun. It’s hardly invading Poland, is it?

Steph and Jen looked great in their hotpants, and Mario’s 43-year-old ardour was probably dampened by the man-hands rubbing his back. If Lisa hadn’t been there – he would have enjoyed every moment of Steph and Jen’s parading in and out of the bedroom in their skimpies. The two-faced cock.

Nope. I can’t stand him. Steph and Luke to stay. Mario or Lisa and get kicked out. C’mon you guys, get voting and get betting. Paddy Power say Lisa still has a chance of staying at 18/1. Grab a bit of that here.

By Richard Hughes

I’m afraid for poor, old blind Scot Mikey!

Seriously, how the hell’s he going to survive in the Big Brother house without his trusty guide dog Mario? Surely he’s gonna be crashing round the place, banging into things and crying a lot?

Mario, of course, is up for eviction – and Paddy Power have him at 2/1 and their second favourite to get the chop after Steph, his fake wife. So it seems Mario’s carefully thought out strategy of leading the blind guy around hasn’t had the effect he so desired. It hasn’t made him look like Mr Caring at all. Just a bit of a cock.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more blindingly obvious and see-through ploy to win votes. The Sun, bless their corporate socks, called “Beefcake” Mario, a “big bully” yesterday, while I prefer “twat”.

And since he has been able to pair himself up with the ‘lovely’ (man-like) Lisa – after his fake wedding to Steph – it has confirmed just how vile he is. How vile they are, in fact.

“Ohhh, I love Mikey and that’ll do me fine… I’m out of here”. Okay, not a direct Mario quote, but it was something like that, just a little more creepy. Lisa – nod, nod.

The fake wedding was a genius move by BB. It was a brilliant way to set up two of the most easiest-to-take-the-piss-out-of oddballs in the house.

When Steph is almost in tears because her shades are broke, it’s hard to be sympathetic. A direct quote: “We’ll I’m not going to bed, I want them fixed…”

“D’you not understand, they’re broken on the hinge, they need properly fixing.” Get a life.
Sorry, I digress… I will tackle Steph tomorrow.

At Paddy Power she is the favourite to go at 4-9, with Mario 2/1, Lisa 9-1 and chirpy northerner Luke the outsider (not the first time he’s felt like that, I’m sure) at 33/1.

Today is Mario (Shaun, as he was christened) and right now, I want to whisper into Mikey’s ear: “Be careful, there’s a lot of chairs and tables in there.”

Otherwise, I can see the furniture crashing around him and everyone else in the house completely ignoring the blind bloke.

Oh, until they realise he has a chance of winning and become guide dogs too of course…

Story by Richard Hughes