Dane Cook is a talentless hack, unfunny to the nth degree and now, it would seem, is something of a preening twit about his image.

In hecklerspray‘s opinion, of course.

Aside from running around on stage, being both sickeningly popular and yet managing to remain devoid of any actual ‘comedy’ – a special achievement for a comedian, no doubt – Dane Cook is now complaining about the poster for his new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, because on it he looks weird.

What the actual issue is, we’re not sure – he always looks weird to us.

Posting on his MySpace blog, Cook lambasted the poster, whoever made it, Photoshop, his own face, some other things and… well, we got bored, because he’s even less funny than we are on our bad days. Instead of reading it we just went back to the enlightening YouTube videos that claim he steals his jokes from other, less-known, funnier comedians.

Not like that’s ever happened in stand up before now, is it? Just as it’s not like mainstream bands steal from ones on the underground, Hollywood steals from indie cinema and advertising steals from everything that’s ever existed ever. Unfounded, ridiculous allegations. In a way.

Anyway, we would go and post all of Dane’s lovely blog, but it’s really long and boring, full of the type of sitting-on-the-fence language where he wants to slate the poster and whoever was involved in its creation while at the same time making sure to go on about how great the movie itself is, just so he doesn’t fall foul of the studio bigwigs.

And they say integrity is overrated.

Part of the blog, at least, said these words:

Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

The rant went on:

The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

Well, at least we know he can’t spell now. Just another thing to add to the list.

There’s a lot more of it, but it’s all ‘ho ho ho look at me I’m a funny man!’ pseudo-criticism that makes him look like more of a whiny prat than normal, so we’ll just stick with those two bits for now. If you want to find the rest, go to MySpace and search for ‘overrated hack’.

Anywho, in the list of Dane’s complaints, he mouths off about his face, his skin, his eyes, what he’s wearing and just about everything else about his image. Does that mean he’s resorted to stealing hecklerspray‘s material too? We are more than happy to have a go at him for all of those things, you see. We’ll have to adapt and go for his personality as well, just to see if he’ll follow suit.

That would be a blog post worth reading.

Robin Hood, Ned Kelly, Ronnie Biggs, Dick Turpin, Bonnie and Clyde – arch troublemaker Britney Spears has made sure that your boys took one hell of a beating.

Britney Spears is hot water with the owner of California petrol station after she appeared to indulge in a little bit of casual shoplifting on Friday. Her crime? Taking a blue plastic $1.39 lighter without paying for it. And Britney Spears has even admitted the crime, telling the obligatory gang of following photographers "I stole something. Oh, I'm bad!" But don't think this is the first time that Britney Spears has broken the law – she already has a very serious criminal record. It's called I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman! Thank you, thank you, we're here all week. Don't forget to try the veal.

Now that we know how much Britney Spears earns, the ways which we can use that information against her is endless. For example, if she wanted to, Britney Spears could afford to buy 6,370,083 blue plastic cigarette lighters every year. Evidently she doesn't, though, because it's much easier for her to go out on the rob instead.

It's been reported that on Friday Britney Spears snatched a blue $1.39 lighter from a petrol station in California without paying for it. While that may not seem as serious as, say, running a red light with your children in your car and a mobile phone held an inch away from your face or threatening to have people murdered, Britney's latest public indiscretion has got the petrol station owner – Jatinder Kaur – all riled up. He told People:

"Yes, Britney stole a blue lighter here last night. The lighter is $1.39. I'm hoping maybe the next time she comes back she will pay for it. I know she can afford to pay for it, but I'm not planning to file a police report. It's still not right for her to steal the lighter. I hope she will do the right thing the next time she comes here."

Quite why Britney Spears decided to steal the lighter is unclear, especially given her circumstances. After all, Britney knows that a phalanx of photographers is always around to record every tiny thing she ever does – so she could hardly expect to get away with it – plus Kevin Federline is inevitably going to use this as another reason to haul his custody battle with Britney back into court for the billionth round of custody negotiations, on the basis that he doesn't want his children to learn how to steal, even though with parents like those it'll be a minor miracle if they ever learn how to do anything other than dribble and fart.

Perhaps money is tighter than we assumed for Britney Spears. Her album Blackout has got '99p HMV Bargain Bin' written all over it, she's paying Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own and she needs all her cash to get the fat sucked out out of her arse. That can't leave a lot to spare, which means that either Britney Spears steals lighters from petrol stations or she has to light her cigarettes by banging rocks together for three hours like some sort of manky-looking caveman. What's a girl to do?

While there aren't likely to be any legal recriminations for Britney Spears following this shocking petrol station theft, our main worry is that Britney will become addicted to the thrill of lawbreaking. First it's a plastic $1.39 lighter, then maybe a family-sized bag of Maltesers, then a pair of shoes, then a car – the next thing we know Britney Spears will be pulling off elaborate Ocean's Eleven-style heists involving complicated electronic manipulation, confidence trickstering and all kinds of breathtakingly complex logistical work.

Oh, who are we kidding? Britney Spears looks like she hardly knows how to work buttons.

Read more:

Gas Station Owner to Britney: You Stole My Lighter! – People