My Chemical Romance – the Soda Stream of Rock (tasteless, full of gas and depressingly disappointing) – are having a typically overwrought time of it at the moment and no amount of self-harming is going to get them out of this drama.

See, they’ve had to sack their drummer who you’ve never heard of. Why? Because he’s been stealing from the group.

But what has he stolen? There wasn’t any musical ability to take, but a sacking means that it was more precious than even that! We’ve got an idea…

The drummer, with the exciting name of Michael Pedicone (which means ‘man who has unlawful sex with underage geometric conoids), has been fired after the terrible band claimed that he’d been “caught stealing”, just like a Jane’s Addiction song.

After a year putting up with staring at Gerard Way’s anus, he’s been replaced by the unfortunate Dead Country sticksman Jarrod Alexander.

Guitarist Frank Iero says:

“Some shit happened last night. The relationship between My Chemical Romance and Michael Pedicone is over. He was caught red-handed stealing from the band and confessed to police after our show last night in Auburn, Washington. We are heartbroken and sick to our stomachs over this entire situation.”

Pedicone says:

“What happened is more complicated than it sounds but I did make a mistake. It was never my intention to hurt this band or all of you … It was an error in judgment based on a whole other situation that’s way deeper, but this does not define me.”

So what did he steal? Well, we have an inkling that My Chemical Romance are avid bottle collectors and Pedicone tried to take one of them to use for his bottles of squash that he likes to drink on-stage.

As you can see from this video, MCR are so keen on bottles that fans are desperate to add to their collection, even as they play.

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If Peaches Geldof wasn’t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you’d see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.

With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.

Every time she appears in the news, we don’t get to hear of any great deeds she’s done for charity. Instead, she’s either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she’s just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.

ITV2 is the equivalent of BBC3 where programming is commissioned for the respective network, all because it hasn’t quite got the sophisticated factor to be shown on the main channel. While we know that it’s designed to test the waters, the broadcasters labels the respective channels as ‘edgy’, ‘cool’ and ‘youthful’. Or, if you prefer, ‘totally gash’.

At times, we feel that ITV2 is used to give us never ending backstage footage of shows such as Britain’s Got Talent, X-Factor, I’m A Celebrity and Dancing On Ice alongside extended editions with seventeen seconds of extra footage. Occasionally, fresh programs are shown such as the never ending feud between Katie Price, Peter Andre and Alex Reid. But this a bit boring – what we want is something unique, visual representation of something that appears in glossy magazines.

We can only assume that OMG With Peaches Geldof is a programme that the producers aim to shock us with based on the 11pm timeslot that it has been given. Either that or, even before it was screened to the UK population, people involved with the making of the programme recoiled in horror about the monster they’d created.

Back in times gone by, pretty much before people could get their own decent internet connection, we marvelled at shows that showcased people who are open and honest about their weird activities. Kind of like a modern day Victorian freak show. But as websites like YouTube developed, the need to gawp at someone in a studio while a ringleader controls a hyena-like crowd isn’t needed. Peaches Geldof has seen a variety of people waltz on to her show including blood drinkers and older ladies seeking younger men. All making for TV that wouldn’t break the boundaries of a wet paper bag. Moaning as usual, she said of the negative reviews of her show:

“I like the language that people use, it’s fascinating and fabulous. I love to read a shitty review of anyone, including myself.”

We don’t know what’s next for Peaches Geldof, but with the way that higher education has been watered down, we expect that she’ll be lecturing students in how they can become successful at being famous for doing piss-all.

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Peaches Geldof has decided to forge a career for herself outside of composing listicles for a myriad of otherwise credible media publications.

It’s just a shame that she’s being accused of breaking the law in her new line of work. It’s a shame because, according to multiple reports, the 22-year-old is turning quite a roaring trade.

It was reported yesterday that the daughter of Live Aid’s founder, Bob Geldof, and daughter of the late Paula Yates, had been accused of theft. Again.

Peaches was minding her own business, coating her fingers with something sticky, when she was phoned by a store she’d patronised the previous week, Three Amigos, in Camden Town.

We should imagine the conversation went something like this:

*Phone rings… Peaches answers, with sticky fingers that are getting all over the bloody buttons*

Peaches: What?!

Store: Hello, Ms Geldof?

Peaches: Egads, I’m caught… I mean, yes?

Store: Hello. It’s come to our attention that the items of clothing left in our store, since your flying visit, have become covered in something sticky; possibly honey. And it got all over our floor. The floor we’d just mopped!

Peaches: So you want your floor mopped?

Store: No. Well, yes. But we also want back that £70 dress that went missing. Ugh, my fingers are sticking to our phone and my feet to the floor. I’ll have to phone you back. *click*

Pretending that conversation actually took place, we can deduce from our (not) scientific evidence that we… ate most of the honey with breakfast. Yummers.

The Daily Mail addresses the previous accusations that Peaches is a low-rent Lindsay Lohan/ Winona Ryder.

Staff at the Three Amigos store in Camden Town claimed that the garment disappeared after the 22-year-old TV presenter visited last week. One line of inquiry is that the alleged theft is due to a misunderstanding between the shop and Miss Geldof. The claims are the latest in a long line of shoplifting allegations for the socialite – though she has always been exonerated. In March 2008, she was accused of leaving the Victim store near Carnaby Street with a £500 dress she had not paid for. After store staff realised it was missing, they phoned her management firm and Miss Geldof returned to the shop and apologised, saying it had been a ‘simple misunderstanding’.

See, it’s just another ‘misunderstanding’. Those are like buses, right?

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

With the weekend’s news largely comprising of the grim shootings in America and people wondering what happened to the Magic Of The FA Cup, we can, of course, rely on celebrities to do something non-threatening and stupid.

Enter Gabriela Irimia. Yeah, that household name that’ll no doubt be seeing you all searching Google and saying “Who the hell is that?”.

Well, Gabriela Irimia had her fifteen minutes of fame many years ago and now frequently regurgitates it, pecking at the small fame chunks she vomits up so she can cling on to some vague fame alongside her equally twin sister Monica. Basically, she’s one of The Cheeky Girls. That’s right. The gruesome twosome that everyone wishes would slink off into a darkened corner never to return.

Back on Pop Idol or possibly X-Factor – we can’t remember – this horrific sisterly duo popped on to our screens with a gimmick more annoying than the broken brainset of Jedward. They basically had a song about their arse which ushered in a  new low in British pop music.

With ropey dance moves, they asked us to touch their arses and not being shy about doing so. Would we ever do such a thing with them? No. But if Rihanna asked us…

Like most people from reality shows, The Cheeky Girls went on to make appearances in awful nightclubs before touring the university circuit so maths boffins can throw cheap lager at them before returning to their dormitories before the clock strikes 10pm, leaving The Cheekies to weigh-up offers from Coach Trip and oblivion.

But who says that reality stars are stupid? Gabriela Irimia even bagged herself a slightly well-known boyfriend. Well, that’s if you call a poor excuse for an MP Lembit Opik who got as far as getting engaged to one of them.

However, it all went HORRIBLY WRONG this weekend.

“Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia has been cautioned by police for shoplifting at a supermarket in Cheshire. Officers were called to Sainsburys in Alderley Road, Wilmslow, on Friday, where she was detained on suspicion of stealing groceries. The 26-year-old, from Essex, was given a caution for theft.”

A police spokesperson who wanted to get on the news said:

“At just before 2pm on Friday, January 7, Cheshire Police were called to a supermarket on Alderley Road, Wilmslow after a 26-year-old woman from Essex was detained on suspicion of theft of grocery items.”

Basically that’s about it. Around about now, we’d make some sort of witty comment about how the two look like vampires and should be killed with some Sainsbury’s own brand garlic, but we just can’t be bothered…

Quickly, go now to your nearest Blockbuster. Why are you still reading this? GO NOW! Scoop up armfuls of DVDs and games and rent them out.

You’ll be able to keep them forever and ever and never have to pay any late fees*. Blockbuster Video is filing for bankruptcy. In the US. Nowhere else.

Damnit! What’s actually happening is Blockbuster video has applied for bankruptcy protection, so it can cut a $1billion debt into a measly $100million overdraft. And then take out at $125million loan.

What?

We’re far from being financial geniuses, in fact we collectively measure our paycheck in how many beers it can buy. But even we understand sub-prime lending enough to know that Blockbuster is busted.

It’s only a matter of time.

That’s the US side of things… but what about those of us who live on the civilised, tea sipping side of the pond? Same thing really, a light sprinkling of oblivion with a chance of doom.

And are you at all surprised?

When was the last time you PUT DOWN your hashpipe, WENT to Blockbuster, QUEUED at the desk, FILLED in forms becasue your card was expired, PAID for a movie, WENT BACK to Blockbuster the next day, and RETURNED the movie?

A bloody long time I’m sure.

There were just too many VERBS involved, too much DOING, too much BLOODY EFFORT. Especially when you can do the same thing over the internet, pay half has much and send it back when you are good and damn well ready.

The tragic thing is most of Blockbuster’s trade over the last few year has been thanks to the not-so-cheap-but-not-as-expensive-as-renting-and-you-get-to-keep-it sale of old DVDs. And that they are the only reliable supplier of Jelly Belly jelly beans anywhere on the high street.

The internet lets you buy the same DVDs for half the price, keep them, watch them, sell them again and stay comfy on the sofa. That’s before we get to Netflix, Lovefilm and all the other online rental sites that are just better than Blockbuster. And you can get Jelly Belly’s for free online, which I do rather a lot.

Much like the demise of Woolworths, the only thing we’re going to miss is the sweets.

*Hecklerspray has no idea what’ll happen if you try to keep one of Blockbuster’s DVDs forever, if you get charged loads of fees, visited by bailiffs or touched inappropriately by Mel Gibson, it has nothing to do with us.

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It takes a big man to admit they're wrong. Well, a big man or a tiny Chinese lady with a bewildering haircut.

Bai Ling has pleaded guilty to disturbing the peace following her arrest at LAX last month. You'll remember that Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting two copies of Star magazine and a packet of batteries from an airport shop in a state of high emotional trauma.

And that amounts to disturbing the peace? No, of course it isn't. What happened was that Bai Ling worked out a deal with prosecutors allowing her to plead guilty to disturbing the peace to keep the other, more shameful, crime from her records. That crime is obviously being a reader of Star magazine.

If ever anyone decides to make an Ocean's 14 – and God help us all if they do – then they'd be wise to sign up Bai Ling to star as the strategic mastermind behind Clooney and the gang's elaborate crime. However, for the sake of accuracy, the plot would have to forgo the complex machinations of top-secret casino heists and just focus on dressing Matt Damon up in a lovely frock and making him nick a couple of celebrity magazines from a newsagents while looking all sad.

Because that's what Bai Ling excels at. No, actually that's a lie. Bai Ling excels at having rubbish haircuts and being quite quick to show off her boobs. She's rubbish at shoplifting.

So rubbish, in fact, that she got arrested for it. Although there are no excuses for trying to steal two copies of a magazine and some batteries from an airport store, Bai Ling did her best to find one and said that she only stole because her boyfriend dumped her right before Valentine's Day. And, just days after she was charged with the crime, Bai Ling has pleaded guilty. People reports:

Bai Ling pleaded guilty Wednesday to disturbing the peace in a case stemming from her arrest at LAX for stealing two Star magazines and a package of batteries, totaling $16.22. Although she was formally charged with petty theft Monday, prosecutors agreed to let Bai plead to the alternative charge, said L.A. City Attorney rep Frank Mateljan. The actress was ordered to pay a fine and penalties totaling $700. 

Now before you start making little straw effigies of Bai Ling and run out into the streets waving them around in flames as a sort of confusing protest, let's not forget that Bai Ling is the innocent party here. Not only was she upset because her boyfriend dumped her, but who hasn't entertained the thought of stealing two copies of Star magazine and some batteries from an airport shop at some point? We know we have.

Face it, Bai Ling just succumbed to something we've all felt – at one point or another, everyone has seen the cover of a celebrity magazine and felt the internal tug between being intrigued by the promise of seeing the 86 best celebrity beach bodies and the burning sense of crushing shame that would come from actually paying for it.

But why did Bai Ling steal two copies of Star magazine and not just one? Simple – she needed one copy for each eye. After all, what's better than reading about Angelina Jolie's pregnancy? Getting two copies of Star magazine, holding them next to each other, going cross-eyed and reading about Angelina Jolie's pregnancy in 3D, magic eye-style. 

And what about the batteries? What did Bai Ling steal those for? We don't know. Probably a dildo.

Read more:

Bai Ling Pleads Guilty to Disturbing the Peace – People 

Forget murder and rape and all that jazz – the worst crime a human being can commit is clearly the crime of stealing two magazines and some batteries from an airport.

And, on that watertight basis, we feel confident in saying that Bai Ling is basically worse than Hitler, Attila The Hun and the Cloverfield monster combined. They may have done some terrible things, but at least they didn't steal batteries from an airport.

Bai Ling has now been formally charged with this petty theft, and if she's found guilty her punishment will either be an eternity spent thrashing around in unendurable pain in the screaming fiery depths of hell or a $250 fine. Whichever's easiest.

Bai Ling – star of one episode of Entourage, one episode of Lost, several awful haircuts and all of those websites that collects pictures of celebrity nipple slips – doesn't respond well to rejection, it's fair to say.

In fact, it's probably fair to say that Bai Ling is an emotionally-fraught wreck. You'll remember that after Bai Ling was arrested last month for stealing two copies of Star magazine and some batteries – total worth: $16.22 – Bai blamed it on the fact that she'd split up with her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day and the emotional knock turned her into a mean-ass petty kleptomaniac.

It's a great ploy, blaming your mistakes on the bad things that have happened to you – perhaps next week Bail Ling will say she only made Wild Wild West because a cat pooed on her front lawn once – but that's beside the point, because Bai Ling has been charged with the theft, as the Associated Press reports:

Chinese actress Bai Ling was charged Monday with petty theft and accused of shoplifting a pack of batteries and two Star magazines at Los Angeles International Airport. Bai tried to take $16.22 worth of items, said city attorney spokesman Frank Mateljan. She faces a $250 fine. Her arraignment was scheduled for Wednesday, when Ling could contest the misdemeanor infraction or pay the fine, Mateljan said.

A $250 fine for two magazines and a packet of batteries? That seems a little bit heavy-handed to us. Bai Ling shouldn't let the justice system walk over over her like this. She should fight this charge. Bai Ling should fight! With a bit of nous and a refusal to roll over, Bai Ling could set a precedent and go down in history as the woman who made it OK to steal things because you're a bit sad.

Which, we can all agree, is preferable to going down in history as the woman out of Taxi 3.

Read more:

Bai Ling Charged With Petty Theft - AP 

To people of a certain age with very specific brain malfunctions, Nicolas Cage and Kathleen Turner are the epitome of sex and grace. So it's a shame they're out to get each other.

Fed up with a passage in her autobiography claiming that he's not only a drink-driver but a brazen chihuahua-thief, Nicolas Cage has decided to sue Kathleen Turner for everything she's got – which at the last count totalled three boxes of Serial Mom VHS tapes, some elastic-waisted jeans and half a packet of Lockets.

Still, Kathleen Turner should count herself lucky that Nicolas Cage is only suing her – it's only common decency that's stopping him from jumping into his old bear suit and smacking her right in the face.

Thanks to Ghost Rider and National Treasure 2 topping the box office, it's fair to say that Nicolas Cage is at the top of his game. That's strange in itself, especially given that the latter mainly involves Cage saying a lot of words he clearly doesn't understand and wishing he could just roll around the floor screaming "Not the bees! NOT THE BEES!" at the top of his voice again.

Anyway, as a bona fide star, Nicolas Cage needs to protect his reputation. Admittedly his reputation is that of a terrible actor who names his son after Superman and goes all boogley-eyed when confronted with triplets, but that's his reputation and he needs to defend it my any means he can.

And that means that when chainsaw-voiced actresses who used to be pretty but now look kind of old and dumpy saw that Nicolas Cage possibly stole a small dog 22 years ago, he'll sue them to high heaven. A shame, because that's pretty much what Kathleen Turner claims in her autobiography Send Yourself Roses.

Discussing when she worked with Nicolas Cage on the 1986 Francis Ford Coppola movie Peggy Sue Got Married, Kathleen Turner wrote:

"Everything Francis (Ford Coppola) wanted him (Cage) to do, he went against to show that he wasn't under his uncle's wing. Which was ridiculous. Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket."

And, as far as Nicolas Cage is concerned, none of that happened, and so he's launched libel proceedings against Kathleen Turner in London's High Court. Why London? It could be because Nicolas Cage has a house in England and it's closer, or it could be because British libel laws are weighted flatly in favour of the plaintiff and it would have been much harder for him to win a similar case in America.

Either way, it's so rare for celebrities to sue each other that this could be one to keep an eye on. After all, imagine if Steve Guttenburg sued Ally Sheedy for something that happened during the production of Short Circuit. That's the magnitude of we're talking about here, people.

Read more:

Nicolas Cage To Sue Turner Over 'False' Book Claims – FemaleFirst