Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
My Chemical Romance – the Soda Stream of Rock (tasteless, full of gas and depressingly disappointing) – are having a typically overwrought time of it at the moment and no amount of self-harming is going to get them out of this drama.
See, they’ve had to sack their drummer who you’ve never heard of. Why? Because he’s been stealing from the group.
But what has he stolen? There wasn’t any musical ability to take, but a sacking means that it was more precious than even that! We’ve got an idea…
If Peaches Geldof wasn?t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you'd see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.
With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.
Every time she appears in the news, we don't get to hear of any great deeds she's done for charity. Instead, she's either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she's just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.
Peaches Geldof has decided to forge a career for herself outside of composing listicles for a myriad of otherwise credible media publications.
It’s just a shame that she’s being accused of breaking the law in her new line of work. It’s a shame because, according to multiple reports, the 22-year-old is turning quite a roaring trade.
It was reported yesterday that the daughter of Live Aid’s founder, Bob Geldof, and daughter of the late Paula Yates, had been accused of theft. Again.
With the weekend?s news largely comprising of the grim shootings in America and people wondering what happened to the Magic Of The FA Cup, we can, of course, rely on celebrities to do something non-threatening and stupid.
Enter Gabriela Irimia. Yeah, that household name that?ll no doubt be seeing you all searching Google and saying “Who the hell is that?”.
Well, Gabriela Irimia had her fifteen minutes of fame many years ago and now frequently regurgitates it, pecking at the small fame chunks she vomits up so she can cling on to some vague fame alongside her equally twin sister Monica. Basically, she’s one of The Cheeky Girls. That’s right. The gruesome twosome that everyone wishes would slink off into a darkened corner never to return.
Quickly, go now to your nearest Blockbuster. Why are you still reading this? GO NOW! Scoop up armfuls of DVDs and games and rent them out.
You’ll be able to keep them forever and ever and never have to pay any late fees*. Blockbuster Video is filing for bankruptcy. In the US. Nowhere else.
Damnit! What’s actually happening is Blockbuster video has applied for bankruptcy protection, so it can cut a $1billion debt into a measly $100million overdraft. And then take out at $125million loan.
It takes a big man to admit they're wrong. Well, a big man or a tiny Chinese lady with a bewildering haircut.
Bai Ling has pleaded guilty to disturbing the peace following her arrest at LAX last month. You'll remember that Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting two copies of Star magazine and a packet of batteries from an airport shop in a state of high emotional trauma.
And that amounts to disturbing the peace? No, of course it isn't. What happened was that Bai Ling worked out a deal with prosecutors allowing her to plead guilty to disturbing the peace to keep the other, more shameful, crime from her records. That crime is obviously being a reader of Star magazine.
Forget murder and rape and all that jazz – the worst crime a human being can commit is clearly the crime of stealing two magazines and some batteries from an airport.
And, on that watertight basis, we feel confident in saying that Bai Ling is basically worse than Hitler, Attila The Hun and the Cloverfield monster combined. They may have done some terrible things, but at least they didn't steal batteries from an airport.
Bai Ling has now been formally charged with this petty theft, and if she's found guilty her punishment will either be an eternity spent thrashing around in unendurable pain in the screaming fiery depths of hell or a $250 fine. Whichever's easiest.
To people of a certain age with very specific brain malfunctions, Nicolas Cage and Kathleen Turner are the epitome of sex and grace. So it's a shame they're out to get each other.
Fed up with a passage in her autobiography claiming that he's not only a drink-driver but a brazen chihuahua-thief, Nicolas Cage has decided to sue Kathleen Turner for everything she's got – which at the last count totalled three boxes of Serial Mom VHS tapes, some elastic-waisted jeans and half a packet of Lockets.
Still, Kathleen Turner should count herself lucky that Nicolas Cage is only suing her – it's only common decency that's stopping him from jumping into his old bear suit and smacking her right in the face.
