It takes a big man to admit they're wrong. Well, a big man or a tiny Chinese lady with a bewildering haircut.

Bai Ling has pleaded guilty to disturbing the peace following her arrest at LAX last month. You'll remember that Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting two copies of Star magazine and a packet of batteries from an airport shop in a state of high emotional trauma.

And that amounts to disturbing the peace? No, of course it isn't. What happened was that Bai Ling worked out a deal with prosecutors allowing her to plead guilty to disturbing the peace to keep the other, more shameful, crime from her records. That crime is obviously being a reader of Star magazine.

Forget murder and rape and all that jazz - the worst crime a human being can commit is clearly the crime of stealing two magazines and some batteries from an airport.

And, on that watertight basis, we feel confident in saying that Bai Ling is basically worse than Hitler, Attila The Hun and the Cloverfield monster combined. They may have done some terrible things, but at least they didn't steal batteries from an airport.

Bai Ling has now been formally charged with this petty theft, and if she's found guilty her punishment will either be an eternity spent thrashing around in unendurable pain in the screaming fiery depths of hell or a $250 fine. Whichever's easiest.

To people of a certain age with very specific brain malfunctions, Nicolas Cage and Kathleen Turner are the epitome of sex and grace. So it's a shame they're out to get each other.

Fed up with a passage in her autobiography claiming that he's not only a drink-driver but a brazen chihuahua-thief, Nicolas Cage has decided to sue Kathleen Turner for everything she's got - which at the last count totalled three boxes of Serial Mom VHS tapes, some elastic-waisted jeans and half a packet of Lockets.

Still, Kathleen Turner should count herself lucky that Nicolas Cage is only suing her - it's only common decency that's stopping him from jumping into his old bear suit and smacking her right in the face.