Michael Jackson truly was a man who kept on giving. Note the past tense: he isn’t alive and living on a secret island alongside Princess Diana, 2Pac and Snoopy. However, enough people tell us that Michael Jackson will be coming back in 2057 with robotic facial surgery that gives him scorpion-like stinging powers.

We’ve already slipped on our sparkly glove in anticipation of this moment.

Let this not overshadow the achievements of a man that supposedly gave so much money to charity that it ruined him to the extent of needing an umbrella to protect himself from the sun and a wheelchair for basic mobility. Dr. Conrad Murray was employed to provide the singer with magical potions and drugs to keep him alive and give the impression he wasn’t stuck together with tape and staples following countless bouts of botched surgery. Countless speculations about his health overtook his once glorious music career and he’s now remembered more for his wacko antics than singing, such as his baby waving incident.

Back in 2002, Michael Jackson was experiencing the same level of attention that Justin Bieber receives now. Everywhere the king of pop went, scores of fans would flock around him, desperately trying to catch a bit of the singer’s spittle in their mouths or throw themselves on the floor just so Jackson could use them as a human walkway, eliminating the threat of himself scuffing his LA Gear trainers.

Eager to show his fans that he vaguely gave a toss about them and wasn’t just milking them for money from multiple crap albums, Jackson came to the window of a Berlin hotel for a jolly wave. If this was a fairytale, everything would have ended neat and tidily, but because Michael Jackson is involved, there is always a twist. Jackson lent forward out of the window with the terribly named Prince Michael II in his arms. The crowds focus was diverted from Jackson’s wonky nose and towards the helpless tot who was dangled around 20ft off the ground. Thankfully, a baby pancake wasn’t created on the Berlin streets as Michael managed to maintain his frail grip on the child and return him back inside and out of harm’s way.

Yet again, Michael Jackson was being questioned about his antics with children who were powerless to defend themselves against a person who looked like an evil clown with a melted face. He’d already faced one visit to court where he faced charges of inappropriate kiddie touching and was going to become accused of similar accusations a couple of years later. Perhaps this was some sort of warped sign from God telling him to bin the Jesus Juice and look after his own offspring so he wouldn’t be known as the world’s worst babysitter.

But onto this sculpture. Don’t ask us why, but the artwork is entitled “Madonna and Child.”

Did Madonna tell Michael Jackson to dangle his child from the balcony so she could adopt Prince Michael II and add him to her litter? We don’t really know, but the sculpture that’s been created by Swedish artist Maria von Kohler is located in the window of The Premises Studios where Arctic Monkeys, Amy Winehouse, Al Green and Nina Simone have all recorded. A possible warning sign that if you succeed in life, you’ll probably go mental in some way.

This is the second Michael Jackson tribute statute within as many weeks. So far we’ve heard no reports of any artists dedicating work to Janet Jackson. At best, it would just be a paper mâché boob following her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction.

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Have you ever had a dream where at the time everything seems perfectly normal and reasonable? You know, like that talking dog who gave you directions to the local off-license or that rubbish superpower that allows you to squirt orange juice out your nipples? But when the alarm goes off, it’s nothing but a messed up thought in your mind.

We similarly went through the same process when we picked up the morning papers and saw a story featuring the once popular king of pop Michael Jackson and eccentric shop owner Mohammed Al Fayed.

Hilariously there was some sort of talk about a statue of the late singer being placed outside Craven Cottage, the home of Fullham FC who Mohammed Al Fayed owns. After trying to wake ourselves up we had that moment of dread which means we’re either trapped in a dream like universe, or this story is potentially real.

For any Americans reading this, we are talking about Fullham FC football club and football as in the proper football that you as the minority call soccer. Your version of football is nothing but girly American Football where you all fear a few bumps and bruises, hence the ridiculous amount of padding and helmets issued to all players. Again, the rest of the world play a sport called Rugby which is a billion times better.

The only redeeming feature about American sports in general are the hilarious names of the stadiums where various baseball, football and ice hockey matches are played. There doesn’t seem to be any sense in tradition attached as you’ll have teams playing in grounds called “The McDonalds Pus Burger Arena” or “The Jolly Ranchers Mondocomplex.”

Because Michael Jackson was American, we’d assume that any statues made out of tinfoil to commemorate the singer would be plonked outside his Neverland home of despair, recording studios where he cut his records or outside the graveyard where he’s currently being placed.

Nothing is ever straightforward with Michael Jackson and even after death, all sorts of weird and wonderful stories still crop up. Some of you might not be familiar with who Mohammed Al Fayed is. Instead of nicking his biography from his Wikipedia, all you need to know is that he is slightly mental and owns Harrods in Knightsbridge.

The two didn’t indulge in any drug binges or record a series of limited 7” reggae singles. Instead, Michael Jackson just flashed his credit card and bought all sorts of tacky crap which we assume includes stuffed tigers, antique chairs with three legs and a full scale pirate ship (complete with outfit). But Mohammed Al Fayed didn’t see it that way, he said:

“He was my friend, a man with whom I shared many happy memories and who died a tragic and untimely death. He left behind a legacy of music so vast it takes one’s breath away; from a precocious talent to an ingenuity and ground breaking modernity that shall never be repeated. It shall often be imitated, but it will never be replicated, Michael Jackson was, and shall always remain, one of a kind. I hope that many fans of his will visit the statue at the Cottage from far and wide, and that Fulham fans will appreciate seeing the finest performer in the world, in and amongst them, the finest fans in the world.”

Aww, how sweet.

All that’s left to see is how the Fullham fans will react to their new technical mascot. Will they graffiti the memorial of Michael Jackson? Or will they embrace him and demand that a halftime pint of lager gets replaced with a goblet of Jesus Juice?

Just imagine the amusing photos you could take while there’s a load of children stood ’round it.

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Robocop was, in a way, the original plastic police officer, except he was made of metal and could actually arrest people, unlike his real life counterparts.

Made from the parts of an old police officer who was brutally murdered by Red Foreman from That 70s Show and scraps of metal collected from a dumpster out the back of the General Motors warehouse, Robocop kicked crimes ass all over Detroit.

People loved Robocop because he stood for law and order, by any means necessary. He was also near indestructible and made an awesome whirring sound whenever he moved, plus he had a massive gun and if there’s one things American’s love, it’s a hero with a miniature cannon strapped to them at all times.

The people of Detroit, and by people we mean geeks, wanted their metallic hero immortalised in… erm… metal, in the form of a statue. After all, Philadelphia has a Rocky statue, so why not reward another fictional character from the 80s who’s no longer relevant by making a permanent shrine to them.

The Mayor of Detroit, Dave Bing, received a tweet asking for him to put a statue of Robocop somewhere in the city to boost morale. After Bing had finished laughing he rather predictably put the kybosh on the whole thing.

This angered the geeks, who did what they do best when someone tells them they can’t do something. They took to the internet.

Rather incredibly the campaign was a hit, resulting in both a plot of land being donated for the statue to be built on as well as the sum of $56,000 being raised for the statue itself, smashing the $50,000 target.

So it looks like Robocop will have his own statue built in Detroit, conveniently just in time for the new Robocop film that is due to come out in 2013, not that that has anything to do with it you understand, it’s all just a massive coincidence… maybe… probably… not.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t against the statue per se. Actually, that’s a lie, we are. It is completely stupid to try and create a landmark to a fictional character, unless they’re considered to be some sort of deity. Think about it, in thousands of years, when the statue is found in the ruins of old Detroit, what will people think? They’ll think we’re buffoons, that what they’ll think.

A Robot policeman, honestly.

Besides, it’s plainly obvious for everyone to see that the people of Detroit chose the wrong character to immortalise. So the hecklerspray team has come up with a plan:

That’s right, let’s put a statue of ED-209 on the fourth plinth. Infinitely cooler, as trigger happy as the Met’s SO19 squad and hard as a coffin nail, he’ll really put London back on the map.

Suck on that, Detroit.

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Michael Jackson’s dead, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. Sure, you could moonwalk circles around what will probably be his Lincoln Monument-esque tomb, but all that’s gonna get you is a really large dead ring of grass.

The more ardent of his fans – the ones that whited out Peter, James & John from their New Testements and added in Michael, MJ & Jacko – well their religious adoration of him may not be the first. That’s right – it seems the Egyptians may have worshipped his likeness thousands of years ago.

So says a crazy looking statue, anyway.

When Michael Jackson first died he gave us a whole bunch of clues about it in his Off The Wall album. Since we were apparently the only ones savvy enough to catch on, we had to wait until his lighter skinned, hornier substitute died for the rest of the world to join us in our tremendous grief.

Now that we’re all finally crying in unison, we just want you to know that we’re not the first generation to feel this way about the gloved one. That’s right – Egyptians also worshipped him thousands of years ago. They made statues in his likeness, wrote rhyming hieroglyphs about how certain girls’ babies weren’t his or his brothers, and they even prophesied that he would one day laminate his severed nuts and bury them in the cold, blue hands of Princess Diana.

That last prophesy has never been ‘officially’ (ahem) fulfilled, but personally we think Di’s got a couple little somethings rolling around there in her coffin.

Archeologists someday will be so lucky with a find like that.

In getting to the heart of the matter, there is a statue of an ancient Egyptian woman that’s been getting in the headlines recently. It’s been so press-worthy because this long dead woman is the spitting image of Michael Jackson. See for yourself up in the corner there.

Also – this according to the Chicago Sun Times:

“It’s eerie, and it’s creepy: An ancient limestone Egyptian bust in the Field Museum is a dead bang look-a-like of singer Michael Jackson. The big question: Did Jackson, who went under the plastic surgeon’s knife numerous times, pattern his ultimate appearance after the statue carving?

“Answer: “I have no idea whether Jackson ever visited the museum, but the similarity between the limestone statue of a woman — which is about 3,000 years old — and Jackson is astounding,” said a museum spokesman.”

Since Michael Jackson kicked the bucket all those weeks ago we’ve learned several things about the King of pop. For starters – his children were sired by his skin doctor, Oliver Twist and possibly that one crazy lady who claims she carried all three of them after repeatedly wringing Michael’s tenders dry.

On top of that, his brain was scooped out, he’s got a Dutch son or something, someone’s going to turn his body into diamonds and Janet’s had to constantly remind us about how famous she was when her boob fell out at a football game.

Yes Janet, we remember all the news shows.

All things Michael are now certainly shifting into overdrive. And although the Egyptian statue, in the long run, probably won’t be as lasting or meaningful as the MJ sculpture a bunch of dairy farmers want to cut out of butter or something, it’s still nice to know that even all those years ago vast amounts of people knew that someday Michael would be a pretty special lady.

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It’s a well known fact that supermodels are competitive amongst their own kind. The Friday night binge and purge contests, the number of perverts that stalk you, the length of community service for drug and/or violence related offences… the list goes on.

But if you’re a supermodel and someone were to make a gold statue of your likeness, then that pretty much gives you most super supermodel of the universe status. Take Kate Moss, for instance. Some artist has made a gold statue out of her, and that’s quite an honour.

Just like it will be a tremendous honor when we finish our David Hasselhoff statue made from fingernail clippings of German teenage girls and kitten tears.

Kate Moss has quite the rocky history. A phenomenon among supermodels, Kate Moss has had a knack for capturing the waif look, sometimes known as ‘heroin chic’ that became so popular in the 90s. It really speaks for her character that she’s been able to create that look whilst remaining free of drugs and loser boyfriends.

Anyway, Kate Moss is the definition of beauty at the moment, dontcha know. Or at least some artist dude seems to think so. For artist Marc Quinn, the years of living in his parents basement, studying the female form in great depth and detail via pictures of supermodels has allowed him the time and lack of social interaction to create a stunning replica of Kate Moss made out of gold.

Not really. The artist just finds Kate Moss really beautiful or something. According to Quinn:

“I thought the next thing to do would be to make a sculpture of the person who’s the ideal beauty of the moment.”

We’re not highly into the arts, but apparently in the art world, ideal beauty of the moment is equated with cocaine scandals and greasy ex-boyfriends in fedoras. Who knew?

The statue is called Siren, and it will be on display starting October 4 at the British Museum in London.

Sources suggest that Kate Moss is actually quite unhappy with the statue, and has repeatedly requested that it be upgraded to platinum. Not only does the gold not match her hand bag, but gold makes her look like a lardy arse. Like a size 2, or something.

So, mark you calendars to see Kate Moss’s statue. No word on the progress of the dirty taco wrappers being sculpted into the likeness of Pete Doherty. Story developing…

The American founding fathers put several days of blood, sweat and tears into freeing themselves from their British captors, and when they finally succeeded they didn’t even do anything that good to celebrate.

Sure, they erected a French statue that they got for free to commemorate something or other, but is that really so great? Seriously – Lady Liberty’s not even straddling anything. If Britain were to re-enslave the States today, and America re-revolutionary warred themselves into the ultimate democracy, all resulting commemorations would be infinitely better.

For example, any statue erected today might be of Naomi Campbell straddling a tank cannon like it was a longer, narrower Shetland pony. You know – exactly like the statue some mildly famous artist is apparently planning to build.

Other than that everything would be the same though.

There’s been no shortage of celebrity-related statue stories on the ol’ HS. Britney Spears got one back when she was a fit mother. Fonzie got one long after Spears was a fit mother, and there’s the exact-lifelike Madonna statue Stu made out of used gum that he ogles every time he thinks he’s alone and the rest of us aren’t watching from behind the thin plastic tree in the break room.

Also there’s been no shortage of Naomi Campbell stories here either. There’s the time she broke a boat with her fists, the time she broke a maid or something with a phone, and there’s the time she probably broke her phone with her maid or something.

Never before have those two apparently common topics collided though – until now – somebody’s making a statue of her. Sorry, did we not pluralise statue? Because we should have – Nick Knight’s gonna make a whole bunch of ‘em. The Independent says:

“He scanned Campbell “straddling the barrel of a large tank” which will form one sculpture. Another will be a “circle of three Naomis, like The Three Graces”, but designed to be viewed from within the circle and in a darkened room.”

Standing in the middle of three gigantic Campbell’s is terrifying prospect for everybody but Hugo Chavez. Especially if they’re all pointing at you or something – imagine that?

Terrifying.