Once again, we’re here to bring you amazing insights into your life! Aren’t you lucky?? Well, actually no. Probably not. Were our predictions correct last week? Of course they were, we don’t just make this stuff up you know.
This is science.
You probably thought it was all mumbo-gumbo, but when did anyone ever accuse Prof. Brian Cox or Patrick Moore of mumbo-gumbists? No, like us, they are properly scientific when they stare at the stars. And so, let our gravitational pull deflect advice your miserable, miserable way.
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Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job? Pfft. Unlikely.
We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your miserable lives.
Ready? Hit the jump!
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It’s time for hecklerspray psychic and astrologer person Joanna Bolouri to guide you through the next week and possibly ruin it entirely. She doesn’t care. Nope. Not even a little bit.
Think the planets care either? Really? Do you think that the planets care one jot about you and your life?
Wrong again.
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Look. LOOK AT THE STARS! They’re all twinkly and that. THEY KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOU!!!
Yes they do. And they tell us things in our brains which we write down and tell you.
Just as well, as we know nothing except that Jack Daniels and coke turns you into a brilliant dancer and that you’re all going to have a hideous week with no-one to blame but yourselves. Okay? Good. Now let’s see what your horoscopes say.
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Hey! It’s time to peer into your future by looking at the sky for a really, really long time. That’s nice isn’t it?
Of course, because you can’t possibly conceive the notion that your life will pan out via a series of completely random events, we’ll find answers for you by pretending that we understand how the movement of planets works.
LIKE MAGIC OR SOMETHING. Just start reading them over the jump already, you gullible idiot.
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People dying is a terrible thing, it’s almost as bad as when annoying songs get stuck in your head, but what’s even worse and more inconceivable than either of those things is when you have fake songs about dead people stuck in your head.
Readers of the ‘Spray, tonight we are disgraced to tell you that we find ourselves in this very situation. Currently we are dancing round the bedsit singing “Ga-da-fi is d-ead,” to the theme of the Conga, any second now the crew from Insidious 2 will be round to start filming.
One day no new music videos will have been posted on all the pretentious sites, and NME Video, that we patrol to inform you what the beautiful people are doing and you’ll just be left utterly heart-broken and convulsing on the floor while singing the jingle from the Match.com advert, because let’s face it you go there every night like the filthy love-hound you are. Until this day comes though we can this week offer you some of the finest dirge on the web and Rihanna, who is so non-dirge that she forgave Chris Brown—according to our sources; the Metro.
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This week we’ve decided to ignore you mere mortals and focus all our energy on those who are more deserving. That’s right, we’re picking on those miserable celebrities this week as it’s pretty much what we live for anyway.
Read on and see if you can work out who we’re talking about.
It isn’t remotely difficult.
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This week we’ve been drunkenly staring upwards at those star things for days on end, wishing we’d done our final year at University instead of ditching it in favour of being Russell Grant’s apprentice and gathering information about your equally worthless lives for a cheap laugh.
Yes, it’s hecklerspray horoscopes time.
Prepare to be insulted amazed.
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