What children need when coming into this world is stability, warmth, and most importantly, a great big butt to spill out of when the doctor comes a’callin’.

After all, the the more exit room the less likely the baby is to realise that that’s exactly what a fart must feel like. In a world where children’s fart sympathy is starting to cause so much unrest, we really can’t stress big-birthing-butt importance enough.

Speaking of which – a Kardashian is stuffed with child, and we don’t mean their mother again!To tell you the truth, we really don’t know anything about Kourtney Kardashian except that she’s not the one famous for sex on YouTube, she’s not the one famous for sex on MetaCafe, and we think she’s Cuban. Other than that we literally know nothing about her.

Oh – and she’s pregnant. Yup, she’s found somebody to top her off at the sperm pump, and although she’s been relatively mum as to who the father is – we’re pretty certain it’s Snagglepuss. Our reasoning for believing this is we heard she’s recently broken up with Hong Kong Phooey, and so far this whole pregnancy thing has just seemed spiteful.

Plus she’s always got those clumps of belly-rub pink fir stuck to the sweat between her fingers. The clues add up. Seriously.

Here’s E! Online for the real scoop:

“Kourtney Kardashian is going to be a mom! While the E! reality star confirms she’s pregnant with her first child, Ms. K isn’t revealing too much right now. She’s keeping mum on the daddy’s identity and how far along she is.”

That poor kid. Think about it . Right after birth it’ll probably look up towards it’s mother through the doctor’s fingers, realise that if talent comes 100% from heredity he’s screwed, and then he’ll ask a nurse to please just throw him into the big red bag with all the severed arms and what-not.

We jest, we jest! Really the kid’ll  just take solace in knowing that he probably wasn’t conceived in front of a million-plus mouse clicking, extremely sticky audience like his one-day cousins may or may not have to worry about.

And you know what – that sounds like the start to a pretty good life to us.

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When Hecklerspray finally leaves this mortal realm it’ll probably be in a hail of gunfire as we bravely rescue babies from poor people who can’t afford them anyway.

Strange they could afford all those bullets though.

Still, don’t call us heroes. It’s not anything you wouldn’t do if put in the same situation. Unless of course you wouldn’t – in which case we’d be totally fine with the ‘hero’ tag. In fact, you can even build us a monument.

Get us one better than George Harrison’s though, won’t you? We couldn’t bear to see our sweet memory trampled so callously under-foot.

When 15-year-old George Harrison first conceived the Beatles as he sat dressed in a hooded cloak by candle light in a dark room covered in pentagrams and decapitated cats, he probably had no idea what an influence his band would become. Aside from Eddie Vedder’s solo projects, the music he and his friends would eventually make would touch every musical group spawned after it.

And darn it all it’s about time the world took notice. Harrison has recently received a posthumous star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Although his corpse was dragged out for the mandatory photo-op, it said nothing indicating any level of gratitude. This is acceptable only because he’s dead.

MSNBC tells us about the exciting day:

“Hundreds of George Harrison’s biggest fans and best friends, including Paul McCartney and Tom Petty, turned out Tuesday to see a posthumous star for the quiet Beatle unveiled during a raucous celebration on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Fellow former Beatle McCartney stood next to Harrison’s widow, Olivia, and son, Dhani, as the star was unveiled in front of the landmark Capitol Records building.”

Harrison died of lung cancer in 2001, and some argue it may have been for the best that he not live to see Paul McCartney marry and divorce a one legged banshee, Ringo Starr begin to passionately hate all his fans, or Phil Spector looking small under a wig as he gets dragged off to prison for the rest of time and eternity.

We barely lived through all that ourselves – and we’re not even sick or anything. We can’t imagine what that kind of turmoil would have done to Harrison’s already weak heart. Or lungs.

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]]> http://www.hecklerspray.com/george-harrison-gets-additional-tombstone-or-something/200932547.php/feed 0 http://www.hecklerspray.com/a-bunch-of-munchkins-get-a-hollywood-star/200710989.php http://www.hecklerspray.com/a-bunch-of-munchkins-get-a-hollywood-star/200710989.php#comments Wed, 21 Nov 2007 15:30:51 +0000 Stuart Heritage http://www.hecklerspray.com/a-bunch-of-munchkins-get-a-hollywood-star/200710989.php Without the Munchkins, The Wizard Of Oz would have been totally different – a story about a young girl in a strange magical land instead of a story about a young girl in a strange magical land where a bunch of midgets do a dance at the end.

And, finally, the Munchkins have got their recognition – 68 years after The Wizard Of Oz was released, the Munchkins have finally got a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Just one star, mind you, between 124 Munchkins – or, if you only want to dismiss the 117 Munchkins that died, one star between seven. Of course, the Munchkins weren't just given a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame for The Wizard Of Oz, it was also because of their profound influence on cinema. If it weren't for the Munchkins, you see, then the makers of Little Man would have never written a scene where a midget tries to put his penis into his adopted mother's mouth. On behalf of Planet Earth, Munchkins, we thank you.

Never let it be said that Hollywood is running out of stars. For example, look at the Hollywood Walk Of Fame – over the years everyone from Miles Davis to Orson Welles to John Wayne to Steven Spielberg has a star along there somewhere, and only the biggest, most iconic superstars of the moment are allowed to join them.

Celebrities like Bruce Willis and, uh, Ryan Seacrest and Winnie The Pooh and, um, Halle Berry. OK, so maybe there is a slight dearth of talent around at the moment when it comes to Walk Of Fame subjects, which is why it was such a relief yesterday to see the Hollywood Walk Of Fame get such an injection of old-school glamour, albeit old-school glamour of stunted growth and weird high-pitched voices. That's right – the Munchkins came to town.

The seven Munchkins who attended yesterday morning's Hollywood Walk Of Fame unveiling aren't just the only remaining Munchkins from The Wizard Of Oz left alive, it's thought that they're the only cast members from the whole movie left alive. And if waking up every morning knowing that they'd beaten the likes of Judy Garland and all of the winged monkeys at staying alive the longest wasn't enough, they can also be proud of the fact that Chicago cinema owner Ted Bulthaup thought them important enough to fight tirelessly to get the Munchkins their star.

And as for the Munchkins themselves, they were just thrilled to take part. 88-year-old Jerry Maren, one of the vaguely nightmare-inducing Lollipop Guild in the movie, said:

"It feels great to be here." 

While Meinhardt Raabe, the Munchkin coroner, added something about dressing up as a sausage. Incidentally, wasn't the coroner in The Wizard Of Oz almost as tall as Judy Garland? Isn't there some kind of height restriction for Munchkins? Someone should investigate and, if necessary, remove Raabe's name from the star immediately.

Oh, we're just kidding. In today's crazy, mixed-up world, it's heartwarming to see seven iconic old-age pensioners together brimming with glee as they're reminded that, of everything they've done in their entire lives, they're only going to be remembered for dancing around with big cakes on their head almost 70 years ago.