Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.

It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.

When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.

The actress who was apparently in that James Bond film (the one that everyone forgets about), wed the star of ‘Hot Shots’ and ‘Coke-Fuelled Porn Parties’ in 2002, but their marriage fell apart just three years later – and the couple briefly became bitter enemies, regularly developing nefarious schemes in order to see the other fall from a great height onto ACME explosives.

Now, six years later, the pair are friends and devoted parents to their daughters and appear to have put their acrimonious history behind them in the interest of publicity the children. The pair are often seen spending time together and Richards insists she will always put Sheen on a pedestal as a father, and she still thinks he’s one of the biggest influences in her life.

Presumably because he systematically ruined it for so long.

She told Ryan Seacrest’s Kiis-FM radio show,

“He gave me the two greatest gifts (in) our daughters! I really believe that people come in to our life, and we learn different things… I honestly believe that he has been one of my greatest teachers as far as life lessons. As painful as it all was I would do it all again because I have amazing children.”

There you go then. Apparently you can be a complete dick to someone as long as you impregnate them. Excellent advice for us all.

Denise Richards’ new film “Hey! Hey! Look At Me! I’m Over Here!” directed by Michael Bay will be out next summer.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Cuh! When we’re rude to people, everyone berates us and says we’re shallow and lonely. While that may be true, we don’t see people having a go at Elizabeth Taylor who treated marriage like bubblegum, hung around with Michael Jackson and, even in death, kept everyone waiting at her funeral.

We suppose that everyone thinks that this is all very funny, prompting people to roll their eyes and hoot in unison about how wacky she was!

It’s not funny. It’s downright rude. People are trying to grieve properly and she’s there, even in ghost form, pissing people around.

Liz’s publicist says that Taylor actually wanted to be late for her own funeral:

“The service was scheduled to begin at 2 pm but at Miss Taylor’s request started late. Miss Taylor had left instructions that it was to begin at least 15 minutes later than publicly scheduled. She even wanted to be late for her own funeral.”

At least when hecklerspray dies, we will have ensured that we’ve become so unpopular that, when we’re returned to the Earth, no-one will show up so officials can just lob us in a pre-dug hole and be done in 5 minutes flat so they can get down the pub or whatever.

Not only did Taylor muck around with everyone’s grief, but she also messed with their faiths, having a multi-denominational service. She was probably hoping a huge theological debate would kick off so all the mourners would have a royally dreadful time.

Weirder still, the ceremony included a poetry reading from Colin Farrell.

We’re not making that up.

And now, in respect, the marquees of Broadway theatres will be dimmed in her memory at exactly 8pm tonight for one minute, ensuring that those hard of seeing will walk into stuff and break their noses.

The horrible old bag.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

One of the most gigantic movie stars of all-time, Elizabeth Taylor, has died in Los Angeles at the age of 79 despite looking much, much older. Taylor lived her whole life in the spotlight, of course, looking like she’d been shot with Homer Simpson’s make-up gun in later years.

Of course, we’re rather sad that the Oscar-winning actress has finally shuffled off her mortal coil after a long history of bad health and heart problems, but like all sneering pricks, we’re prone to making crass jokes instead of confronting our grief about someone we’ve never met.

It goes without saying that the movie buffs will be saddened by this news and fondly remember some of her finer roles, leaving the huge public outpourings of grief to the Michael Jackson fans. You just watch.

Dame Elizabeth, you’ll recall, nailed the job of pretending to be Cleopatra as well as asking the question Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? She also had an amazing shock of hair in later years. Rumour has it that she had a timeshare on Bob Dylan’s ‘do from the mid-to-late ’60s. It suited neither of them.

However, we all know Taylor for her peculiar private life. She got married roughly every thirty seconds from 1962 to 1992, at one point, accidentally marrying herself. Wedding cake makers are said to be distraught about her death which has left the industry in potential ruin.

This isn’t the first time Taylor has felt death’s icy grip on her shoulder. She was nearly offed by a rare type of pneumonia in 1961 as well as having various deathly encounters while being a massive booze hound and painkiller hoover.

Yet, she just refused to die. Hip replacement operations, more near-fatal bouts of pneumonia and a brain tumour showed us all that she was made of sterner stuff than most modern celebrities who are simply willing to die at the first sign of trouble.

Elizabeth Taylor was harder than a Glaswegian in winter.

It’s also worth pointing out, in a totally non-funny way, that she did loads of really great charity work in her years, notably raising funds for AIDS charities. So there. She’s a better human than us, but we knew that anyway.

But there you go. Elizabeth Taylor has finally joined the choir invisible and… OH GOD. SHE’S GONE. WE CAN’T COPE WITH THIS. IT’S JUST TOO UPSETTING. JESUS! JUST…. WHY?! WHY?! THIS IS AWFUL, AWFUL NEWS. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GO WHEN IDIOTS LIKE US LIVE? WHY GOD?! WHHHHHY?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Hollywood is stupid and filled with stupid people. Basically, actors strive to hone their art all their lives to deliver realistic and devastating portrayals of real people… real people they’ve not had to deal with for many years… and shed their personality to morph into someone else.

And for what? Well, aside from the millions they get paid, it seems to be all in the name of getting your name written on the floor. How magical!

The latest thesp to get their name situated in a place where dogs can shit on it is Gwyneth Paltrow who now has her name on a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

Of course, like all awards, there were people on hand to gush like a pensioner during a prolonged sneezing fit.

Shana Feste, director of Paltrow’s latest movie Country Strong, was on hand to writhe around like a pig in shit:

“[Paltrow is] a strange acting alien… created to perform”.

“You could be having the most mundane conversation about the weather, and she hears the word ‘action’, and she would deliver the most nuanced, layered, heartbreakingly beautiful scene and look at you like she just tied her shoe.”

And now, people will be able to tie their shoes while stood on her name! How bloody brilliant.

There’s more good news for Gwyneth’s CV. She’s been asked to appear on Glee again.

She’s played substitute teacher Holly Holiday (a Boney M fan then?) in high school singathon and could be seen singing Cee Lo’s ‘Forget You’ (the most irritating song of 2010) as well as a mash-up of ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ and Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella’.

In her next performances, she’ll be singing ‘I Stab People’ by Insane Clown Posse and Carcass’s ‘Vomited Anal Tract’. You read it here first.

Meanwhile, her husband is threatening to ruin everything forever with the promise of a Coldplay concept album. Apparently, sales of strong rope and weak chairs have rocketed.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

What children need when coming into this world is stability, warmth, and most importantly, a great big butt to spill out of when the doctor comes a’callin’.

After all, the the more exit room the less likely the baby is to realise that that’s exactly what a fart must feel like. In a world where children’s fart sympathy is starting to cause so much unrest, we really can’t stress big-birthing-butt importance enough.

Speaking of which – a Kardashian is stuffed with child, and we don’t mean their mother again!To tell you the truth, we really don’t know anything about Kourtney Kardashian except that she’s not the one famous for sex on YouTube, she’s not the one famous for sex on MetaCafe, and we think she’s Cuban. Other than that we literally know nothing about her.

Oh – and she’s pregnant. Yup, she’s found somebody to top her off at the sperm pump, and although she’s been relatively mum as to who the father is – we’re pretty certain it’s Snagglepuss. Our reasoning for believing this is we heard she’s recently broken up with Hong Kong Phooey, and so far this whole pregnancy thing has just seemed spiteful.

Plus she’s always got those clumps of belly-rub pink fir stuck to the sweat between her fingers. The clues add up. Seriously.

Here’s E! Online for the real scoop:

“Kourtney Kardashian is going to be a mom! While the E! reality star confirms she’s pregnant with her first child, Ms. K isn’t revealing too much right now. She’s keeping mum on the daddy’s identity and how far along she is.”

That poor kid. Think about it . Right after birth it’ll probably look up towards it’s mother through the doctor’s fingers, realise that if talent comes 100% from heredity he’s screwed, and then he’ll ask a nurse to please just throw him into the big red bag with all the severed arms and what-not.

We jest, we jest! Really the kid’ll  just take solace in knowing that he probably wasn’t conceived in front of a million-plus mouse clicking, extremely sticky audience like his one-day cousins may or may not have to worry about.

And you know what – that sounds like the start to a pretty good life to us.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

When Hecklerspray finally leaves this mortal realm it’ll probably be in a hail of gunfire as we bravely rescue babies from poor people who can’t afford them anyway.

Strange they could afford all those bullets though.

Still, don’t call us heroes. It’s not anything you wouldn’t do if put in the same situation. Unless of course you wouldn’t – in which case we’d be totally fine with the ‘hero’ tag. In fact, you can even build us a monument.

Get us one better than George Harrison‘s though, won’t you? We couldn’t bear to see our sweet memory trampled so callously under-foot.

When 15-year-old George Harrison first conceived the Beatles as he sat dressed in a hooded cloak by candle light in a dark room covered in pentagrams and decapitated cats, he probably had no idea what an influence his band would become. Aside from Eddie Vedder‘s solo projects, the music he and his friends would eventually make would touch every musical group spawned after it.

And darn it all it’s about time the world took notice. Harrison has recently received a posthumous star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Although his corpse was dragged out for the mandatory photo-op, it said nothing indicating any level of gratitude. This is acceptable only because he’s dead.

MSNBC tells us about the exciting day:

“Hundreds of George Harrison’s biggest fans and best friends, including Paul McCartney and Tom Petty, turned out Tuesday to see a posthumous star for the quiet Beatle unveiled during a raucous celebration on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Fellow former Beatle McCartney stood next to Harrison’s widow, Olivia, and son, Dhani, as the star was unveiled in front of the landmark Capitol Records building.”

Harrison died of lung cancer in 2001, and some argue it may have been for the best that he not live to see Paul McCartney marry and divorce a one legged banshee, Ringo Starr begin to passionately hate all his fans, or Phil Spector looking small under a wig as he gets dragged off to prison for the rest of time and eternity.

We barely lived through all that ourselves – and we’re not even sick or anything. We can’t imagine what that kind of turmoil would have done to Harrison’s already weak heart. Or lungs.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Without the Munchkins, The Wizard Of Oz would have been totally different – a story about a young girl in a strange magical land instead of a story about a young girl in a strange magical land where a bunch of midgets do a dance at the end.

And, finally, the Munchkins have got their recognition – 68 years after The Wizard Of Oz was released, the Munchkins have finally got a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Just one star, mind you, between 124 Munchkins – or, if you only want to dismiss the 117 Munchkins that died, one star between seven. Of course, the Munchkins weren't just given a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame for The Wizard Of Oz, it was also because of their profound influence on cinema. If it weren't for the Munchkins, you see, then the makers of Little Man would have never written a scene where a midget tries to put his penis into his adopted mother's mouth. On behalf of Planet Earth, Munchkins, we thank you.

Never let it be said that Hollywood is running out of stars. For example, look at the Hollywood Walk Of Fame – over the years everyone from Miles Davis to Orson Welles to John Wayne to Steven Spielberg has a star along there somewhere, and only the biggest, most iconic superstars of the moment are allowed to join them.

Celebrities like Bruce Willis and, uh, Ryan Seacrest and Winnie The Pooh and, um, Halle Berry. OK, so maybe there is a slight dearth of talent around at the moment when it comes to Walk Of Fame subjects, which is why it was such a relief yesterday to see the Hollywood Walk Of Fame get such an injection of old-school glamour, albeit old-school glamour of stunted growth and weird high-pitched voices. That's right – the Munchkins came to town.

The seven Munchkins who attended yesterday morning's Hollywood Walk Of Fame unveiling aren't just the only remaining Munchkins from The Wizard Of Oz left alive, it's thought that they're the only cast members from the whole movie left alive. And if waking up every morning knowing that they'd beaten the likes of Judy Garland and all of the winged monkeys at staying alive the longest wasn't enough, they can also be proud of the fact that Chicago cinema owner Ted Bulthaup thought them important enough to fight tirelessly to get the Munchkins their star.

And as for the Munchkins themselves, they were just thrilled to take part. 88-year-old Jerry Maren, one of the vaguely nightmare-inducing Lollipop Guild in the movie, said:

"It feels great to be here." 

While Meinhardt Raabe, the Munchkin coroner, added something about dressing up as a sausage. Incidentally, wasn't the coroner in The Wizard Of Oz almost as tall as Judy Garland? Isn't there some kind of height restriction for Munchkins? Someone should investigate and, if necessary, remove Raabe's name from the star immediately.

Oh, we're just kidding. In today's crazy, mixed-up world, it's heartwarming to see seven iconic old-age pensioners together brimming with glee as they're reminded that, of everything they've done in their entire lives, they're only going to be remembered for dancing around with big cakes on their head almost 70 years ago.