9 - You know that Octomom porno movie? Here’s the poster, and somewhat inevitable name – Bestweekever

8 – For some reason, the headline of this article made us scared to go outside – Livescience

7 – Look, it’s Hitler as a baby. No, really, it’s Hitler as a baby – Amphetamines

6 - 10 facts about orgasms - TED

5 - This clock is cool, so long as a) you’re old and b) you didn’t have many friends as a child – Flickr

4 - Things you shouldn’t read if you’re going skydiving with your little brother on Sunday, number one - ABC

3 - Some prissy little orders to JJ Abrams for inclusion in Star Trek 2 – Movieretriever

2 - So you’re a professional cheese carver. What do you look like? Your first guess was correct - YouTube

1 - This is currently one of the most-watched videos on YouTube. We hate the internet…

9 – Apparently dogs are as clever as toddlers, which is why we have several two-year-olds chained to posts outside our house for security – Health

8 - Terrified of snakes? No? What about NOW? – Environmentalgraffiti

7 – All babies are essentially rednecks. At least we think that’s the point of this video, anyway – Flickr.

6 - GRATUITOUS DEATH! – Esquire

5 - The good news is, there’s a new world’s oldest woman. The bad news is, oh… Dailymail

4 - Photographs by the blind – Time

3 - Terrifying sea monster ahoy! – Geekologie

2 - All the things wrong with Star Trek: a compelling list – Bestweekever

1 – And now, a word from Uhura…

9 - More slow motion goodness, this time ridiculously beautiful – YouTube

8 - The new Star Trek movie would have been better if any of these aliens had been included – Cracked

7 - The Beatles Rock Band game is quickly becoming the best way for rich idiots to look authentically stupid – Gearlog

6 - Oh, the law. You’re funny – Trutv

5 - The world’s oldest dog is younger than Lindsay Lohan. Dogs are crap - MSNBC

4 - Why Barbarella died. Also, thank goodness Barbarella died – Movieline

3 - Iron Man 2! It exists – Paphotoshelter

2 - Old school computer death the way it should have been – Geekologie

1 - The best thing Guy Ritchie has ever had a hand in (insert Madonna joke here)…

Do you want the good news or the bad news? OK, the good news. Star Trek is the first Star Trek movie in ages that’s any good.

The bad news? The bad news is that, because Star Trek is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, Simon Pegg is doomed to spend the rest of his life answering impenetrable questions from stinking spods while harbouring a festering resentment towards Chris Pine’s growing messiah complex.

But still, Star Trek is the new weekend box office movie and that’s good. They’ll get to shout “KHAAAAAN!” in the next one.

Of course Star Trek is the top movie at the weekend box office. Of course it is. It hasn’t just picked up some of the best reviews of the year so far, but it’s also been directed by JJ Abrams who understands how these things should work.

True, based on his work on Lost, it means that the next five Star Trek sequels will get sillier and more incomprehensible and Jim Robinson from Neighbours will somehow become a leading character and there’ll be a bloody statue that pops up from nowhere and Rose and Bernard will just disappear without explanation and WHY WON’T ANYONE SAY WHERE ROSE AND BERNARD WENT, HUH? Where did they go? You bastard.

Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Star Trek (Not really a trek, though, is it? Make it more like a trek next time, Abrams. Sensible walking shoes and Ordinance Survey maps and flasks of orange juice and inescapable boredom please) $72,500,000

2 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Note to online pirates: if any of you plan on leaking any more summer blockbusters to the internet weeks before its release date, could you please make the next one a good one? Thanks, love hecklerspray) $27,000,000

3 - Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past (Why are they all ghosts? Because they killed themselves. They killed themselves because Matthew McConaughey was their boyfriend and he’s a massive turdface. That’s why) $10,450,000

4 - Obsessed (It’s great that Beyonce is in a film called Obsessed, because people really are obsessed with her. It’s why the other two members of Destiny’s Child are about to star in a film called Vague And Constantly Diminishing Awareness Of Your Existence) $6,600,000

5 - 17 Again (Narrowly edging out Next Day Air, the new movie starring that person from Scrubs. No, not that person from Scrubs. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. That one) $4,405,000

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Friendly and hostile.

Folded:

• Star Trek ’09 (boldly go, beam me up, etc. The mythology’s cack, but this re-boot is terrific)
• Tanqueray gin (that’s right, from the Amy Winehouse song)
• Dr. Beardface (“it’s Beardfacé!!!”)
• I Remember by Deadmau5 (sing along any lyrics you like, we guarantee they’ll fit)
• Mikado chocolates (ridiculously sexy advert and tasty chocolate. Quids in)

Creased:

• Freeze by T-Pain featuring Chris Brown (sounds like an old Spectrum 48k struggling to load)
• Teaching adverts (become a secondary teacher, earn 30k a year, find yourself bleeding to death from stab wounds in the school car park)
• “LOL” (it’s text speak. You don’t have to say it out loud)
• Hair extensions (have you ever seen them fall off someone’s head? In a bar?! It’s frightening)
• People complaining about the Mikado advert (probably just women who if they climbed on top of a photocopier would crash through the glass)

Have you had trouble being convinced by the new Star Trek trailer because Captain Kirk isn’t in a wig and a girdle?

Us too. But hope is at hand. Even though Star Trek hasn’t been released yet, Paramount has hired a bunch of writers to script a sequel. This is obviously the start of a series of relentless, progressively worsening Star Trek movies that will end when the cast are tubby 70-year-olds who openly despise one another.

In the meantime, however, at least we have Chris Pine’s album of spoken-word Bob Dylan interpretations to look forward to. Which is something.

It’s hard not to be excited by the prospect of a new Star Trek movie. Finally, a film that combines everything we love – aliens, plotlines that appear to be stolen from a decade-old episode of Hollyoaks, a soundtrack that’s identical to The Dark Knight’s soundtrack and Eric Bana looking like dozed off in the middle of tattooing his own face. Star Trek is going to be awesome.

Or, alternatively, Star Trek is going to be terrible. We don’t know yet, because it isn’t being released for over a month. In fact, all we do know about Star Trek is that a) William Shatner isn’t in it, b) Simon Pegg’s going to do an inexplicable accent in it and c) if it isn’t better than Watchmen, the planet will be swallowed up by the charred intestines of spontaneously-combusted geeks by May 9.

But Paramount must think that Star Trek is pretty decent – or at least that people will be stupid enough to go and see it – because it has already assembled a group of writers to start work on a sequel. The New York Daily News reports:

Paramount will release the first film May 8 and has already hired a team of writers to work on a follow-up screenplay, Variety reports.”Obviously we discussed ideas, but we are waiting to see how audiences respond next month,” said Damon Lindelof, one of three writers working on the new script. “With a franchise rebirth, the first movie has to be about origin. But with a second, you have the opportunity to explore incredibly exciting things. We’ll be ambitious about what we’ll do,” he said.

So nobody knows what Star Trek 2 is going to be about, but since Damon Lindelof from Lost is going to be writing it, we get the feeling that it’ll drag on for five years, have a second act that’s set in the 1970s for no good reason and generally be so maddening that people will either stop watching it halfway through or spend the majority of their lives posting half-baked, cack-handed theories about it on the internet.

However, some have suggested that Star Trek 2 will be a remake of The Wrath Of Khan. Obviously this is stupid, since that’s a story that’s already been told. But Star Trek 4 had better still be primarily about the logistics of manufacturing a vessel to contain a pair of time-travelling humpback whales, otherwise we’re going to be sorely pissed off.

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There is only so many times you can see William Shatner waddling around the set saving whales or whatever.

But, having just watched the new trailer of the upcoming Star Trek movie, we are actually quite looking forward to it. Well, as much as the cynical gits in this office can get excited about a movie. It looks quite, um, good.

Anyway, take a look yourself, and see what you think.

9 – Let’s just call this the greatest TV commercial of our time and have done with it – I Am Bored

8 – Want to make a homemade frosty? OK - Instructables

7 - Films we think we want to see: Big Man Japan – Filmdrunk

6 – An adorably excited child – Videogum

5 - Ten terrible jobs. We’ve done one of these. No, we won’t say which – Askmen

4 - Quickly! A free music download! A good one! – We Know Mason

3 – The oldest words in the English language. Weirdly, one of them is ‘PlayStation’ – BBC

2 – Possibly the best thing we’ve seen in our entire life – Drawn

1 - Some hypnotic Star Trek remixes that we haven’t been able to stop watching – Best Week Ever

The first outcome involves him trying to convince the big, white cake he really is a lawyer – and that he absolutely understands all the legal jargon and everything – for the complete duration of your first dance. The second possible outcome involves him crashing a life-size mock-up of the Starship Enterprise through the beautiful gazebo your grandfather lovingly finished building for you the day before his last heart attack.

We heard that last one he actually did to Leonard Nemoy. Seriously – there were tractor beam parts all over the roof, gutters, guest cars and lawn. This is why, we assume, Bill Shatner was not invited to Helmsman Sulu’s big gay history-book wedding. Shatner doesn’t understand this though, and he seems kinda pissed about his lack of an invite.

Off the top of our heads we can think of three things Ringo Starr and William Shatner have in common. The first two have to do mostly with penile stripes and a shared love for cookies. The third one though, well the third one is the only one you really need to know about – they both seem to dislike people in whatever forms they may be encountered in.

Ringo, for instance, has the grump with his fans. He maybe even wishes they’d all throw themselves over the trembling ledge of a train station, if you catch our meaning. Shatner likes his fans enough, apparently, but only if he’s never worked with any of them ever in his whole life. This includes the shop keep who hired a young Billy Shatner to restock his scarce food shelves during the height of the great depression.

Imagine the darkness of heart that could dislike someone who helped feed your family during such a tumultuous time. Unthinkable!

Untrue too!

Shatner does think his old coworker George Takei has a beef with him though. According to Bill, Takei refused to allow Shatner within 100 yards of anyplace he ever planned to marry, and even tried to get him deported for the entire duration of the honeymoon. That or the captain was just pissed for not getting an invite. Whatever. Here’s a Kirk-quote:

“The whole thing makes me feel badly. Poor man. There is such a sickness there. It’s so patently obvious that there is a psychosis there. I don’t know what his original thing about me was. I have no idea.”

We peeled that quote out of a video Shatner posted on his own website. The whole thing doesn’t end with Shatner’s hurt feelings though – Takei has a retort:

“It is unfortunate that Bill was unable to join us for our wedding as he indeed was invited to attend. It is our hope that at this point he joins us in voting no on Proposition 8, which seeks to [absorb all of Texas into California, and then turn the whole thing into a giant movie studio with tremendous tax breaks.]“

We lost the last part of the quote there, but we know Hollywood types, and feel pretty secure in our assumption of how that stupid speech probably ended. We also feel secure in our knowledge of geography.

Now get down there and watch Shatner’s weird rant:

But compiling a list of the sexiest ever was never going to be easy. With all its different incarnations and the sheer volume of life-forms Captain Kirk alone has sullied, it’s certainly a tough job. But Hecklerspray has never been one to shirk a challenge and is prepared to risk the wrath of Trekkies across the world by compiling a list of lovelies that are the envy of the galaxy.

And we are pretty happy with the results. Put it this way, we’d certainly love to get our hands on their tricorders. However, we are sure you will have your own suggestions. As always, please let us know of any glaring omissions – not that you need any encouragement, you pedantic, miserable bastards.

And before you ask, we have not included the upcoming Star Trek film, which is due to be released next year. So the names Zoe Saldana and Jennifer Morrison have not been added to the list this time, but would certainly come into contention next time if we decided to do this list again.

Anyway, set your phasers to stun and enjoy.

26. Tasha Yar (Denise Michelle Crosby)
Next Generation

A personal favourite, but, sadly, the frankly blokeish haircut bumped our dear Tasha down the list.

25. Marta (Yvonne Craig)
Original series

Batgirl as a green-skinned slave girl – what’s not to like?

24. Dr Helen Noel (Marianna Hill)
Original Series

Love her bedside manner.

23. Droxine (Diana Ewing)
Original Series

One of the most elegant actresses to pass through the series.

22. Nona (Nancy Kovack)
Original Series

Played a Kanutu medicine woman in A Private Little War, but is possible more famous for her role as Medea in Jason And The Argonauts.

21. Lt. Saavik (Kirstie Alley)
Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan

Yeah, we know, but there is little doubt she was a fine-looking woman in her early years.

20. Tonia Barrows (Emily Banks)
Original series

Received the benefit of Doctor McCoy’s bedside manner.

19. Nyota Uhura (Nichelle Nichols)
Original series

No Star Trek list would be complete without her. A true legend.

18. Kelinda (Barbara Bouchet)
Original Series

Played Kelinda in the original series, but is possibly more famous for playing Miss Moneypenny in the 60s spoof version of Casino Royale.

17. Kara (Marj Dusay)
Original series

Watch out for this temptress, a glorified zombie itching to steal your brain!

16. Ensign Ro Laren (Michelle Forbes)
Next Generation

A rebel, unliked by many, and ultimately a traitor. Shame on you Ensign Ro, but how can we say no?

15. B’elanna Torres (Roxann Dawson)
Voyager

Klingon ridges and her temper work against B’elanna, although we bet she’s feisty in the bedroom.

14. Beverly Crusher (Gates Macfadden)
Next Generation

A redhead and MILF to boot. What more could you ask for?

13. Ishara Yar (Beth Toussaint)
Next Generation

Tasha’s sister has the body of a champion whippet

12. Yeoman Janice Rand (Grace Lee Whitney)
Original Series

As Kirk says, she was “too beautiful to ignore” and “too much woman”. We certainly agree Kirk.

11. Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis)
Next Generation

England’s very own Marina Sirtisis loved by fans for her voluptuous figure, skin tight bunny suit and the fact she’d sleep with anyone or anything.

10. Anij (Donna Murphy)
Star Trek: Insurrection

A looker for her age (over 300 years old). If Picard didn’t have his eyes already set on Anij, you know you’d want a piece of that action.

9. Ezri Dax (Nicole de Boer)
Deep Space Nine

Essentially, Jadzia Dax version 2, which can’t be all bad.

8. Android Andrea (Sherry Jackson)
Original series

Kissing Kirk was not part of her programming. What can we say, programmes are there to be hacked. Better still that costume doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

7. Ensign Robin Lefler (Ashley Judd)
Next Generation

Ensign Lefler lives by her own rules, Sadly, one of them being #22: Never date a co-worker. Too bad Wesley (Crusher)

6. Kes (Jennifer Lien)
Voyager

Youthful and Innocent, just about the cutest elf you’ll find this side of the Delta Quadrant

5. Hoshi Sato (Linda Park)
Enterprise

Sultry and smart, knowing over 40 languages is a good workout for the mouth if you catch our drift.

4. Jadzia Dax (Terry Farrell)
Deep Space Nine

A very hot woman who attracted the attentions of Bashir and ultimately Worf. Slight turn-off: her multiple personalities, call it what you will.

3. Kamala (Famke Janssen)
Star Trek: Next Generation

Simply stunning and a real favourite at Hecklerspray Towers.

2. T’Pol (Jolene Blalock)
Enterprise

A Trellium-D addict, which is great for lowering her inhibitions.

1. Seven of 9 (Jeri Ryan)
Voyager

Seven of 9? More like 10 out of 10.

Honorable mentions:
Lieutenant Valeris (Kim Cattrall)
Kira Nerys (Nana Visitor)

[story by Michael Chenucha]

And the latest Star Trek-related news suggests that it might just be able to, thanks to another piece of wayward casting. It's been announced that, as well as the bloke from Heroes, one of Harold and Kumar and Simon Pegg, Star Trek will also star Winona Ryder as Spock's Vulcan mother. What Winona Ryder will actually do in Star Trek remains to be seen, although it's probably safe to say that there's going to be a subplot where Spock experiences all sorts of emotionally-conflicting erotic thoughts about his own mother. Well, he is part-human, after all.

For a film that hasn't even been filming for a week yet, Star Trek is raising all sorts of eyebrows around the place. If the subject of the movie – a hammy 40-year-old TV show about corset-wearing man-actors knobbing around in space – isn't tired enough, then the choice of Lost creator JJ Abrams to direct it is also a concern, seeing as how he'll probably make it six years long and fill it with polar bears that are there for no reason at all.

And then there's the Star Trek casting to worry about. Some anonymous bloke as Captain Kirk we don't have an issue with, nor with a Spock played by Sylar out of Heroes or even Eric Bana as the Star Trek baddie. But Simon Pegg as Scotty? John Cho as Sulu? William Shatner as nothing at all? That's madness, surely. Still, at least JJ Abrams hasn't done anything completely ridiculous like casting the girl from Reality Bites as Spock's mother and then get her species wrong. Imagine how crap that would be.

Wait a minute, he's done what?! Actually, yes, it's been announced that JJ Abrams has signed Winona Ryder up to play Spock's mother in the new Star Trek movie. On the surface of things, this seems like a nice way to bring Winona Ryder back into the major motion picture fold, since all she's done lately is either direct to DVD turkeys or impenetrable claptrap like A Scanner Darkly, but maybe there's more to this than meets the eye.

Perhaps, just perhaps, JJ Abrams hates Winona Ryder, hates everything she stands for and wants to ensure that she'll have to spend the rest of her life going to all kinds of Star Trek conventions and being pelted with bits of maggoty fruit – because he's done gone and made Winona Ryder a Vulcan when everyone knows Spock's mother is a human. That's a Star Trek cock-up of colossal proportions, like when Doctor Crusher told Wesley to meet her in Transporter Room Eight in season one, episode 18 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, when everyone knows the Enterprise only has six Transporter Rooms, the idiots. Way to wreck our lives, idiots.

Maybe there's a completely rational explanation about why Winona Ryder's Star Trek character is a Vulcan instead of a human or maybe – after starring in Alien: Resurrection – she just really enjoys enraging spods. And if so, good for her. In fact, we're certain that Winona Ryder will be perfect for the Star Trek role and she'll win everyone over no matter who she's playing.

Just so long as the rest of the Star Trek cast remember to lock up their valuables, obviously. 

And that's because William Shatner won't be in the new Star Trek movie. Although he was rumoured to have a cameo in the movie alongside Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner has revealed that meetings with the new Star Trek director JJ Abrams were unsuccessful and the movie will go ahead sans Shatner. And now William Shatner can't stop bitching about the Star Trek snub. But can you blame him? After all, we'd be bitter if our derided egomaniacal role in a TV show that hasn't been made for almost 40 years wasn't reprised in a movie that's set several years before the TV show we starred in 40 years ago, too. Or something. Oh look, we've confused ourselves now.

If everything goes to plan, the new Star Trek movie will start shooting this week. And a lot of people are finding it very exciting, mainly thanks to the involvement of JJ Abrams – the man behind Lost and the person you need to blame when you realise that all the Klingons in the new movie have been replaced with polar bears and angry wafts of smoke. JJ Abrams has put an interesting cast together for his new Star Trek movie – the baddie from Heroes will be Spock and an unknown actor will be Captain Kirk and Eric Bana will be the villain, which all sounds good, but Scotty will be played by Simon Pegg and Sulu by John Cho from Harold And Kumar Get The Munchies, which makes us worry that JJ Abrams wants to turn Star Trek into some kind of red-font stoner comedy.

But one person who won't get to be in the new Star Trek is William Shatner, a man who has possibly given more to Star Trek than anyone else over the years. He was in the Star Trek TV series, the Star Trek animated series, seven Star Trek films (included one he directed), four Star Trek videogames and has written nine Star Trek books. William Shatner is so dedicated to Star Trek that he's even able to piss out dilithium crystals at will. But meetings with JJ Abrams haven't gone well and the rumoured Star Trek cameo from William Shatner isn't going to happen any more, as the Associated Press reports:

The original Capt. Kirk is disheartened he won't get to boldly go anywhere with his old pal Spock in the new "Star Trek" movie. While Leonard Nimoy is reprising his role as the pointy-eared Vulcan in next year's science-fiction flick, William Shatner is not on board as Kirk. "I couldn't believe it. I'm not in the movie at all. Leonard, God bless his heart, is in, but not me," Shatner, 76, told The Associated Press on Thursday. "I thought, what a decision to make, since it obviously is a decision not to make use of the popularity I have to ensure the movie has good box office. It didn't seem to be a wise business decision."

Maybe it was a clash of egos that kept William Shatner from getting a role on Star Trek, or maybe science hasn't advanced enough to build the gargantuan man-corset Shatner would need to squeeze into his Starfleet uniform again. We just don't know – all we know is that William Shatner will be nowhere to be seem when Star Trek is released next Christmas.

Maybe it's for the best, though. After all, if William Shatner can't get a role on Star Trek then none of the other original cast members are likely to get a shot either. And, if nothing else, at that will save people the hassle of trying to get Scotty's ashes down from that mountain again.  

Read more:

Shatner's Kirk Not Aboard For New Trek - Associated Press