You’ve seen Sherlock on BBC television right? Yeah, that homoerotic nonsense that all furrowed brows and winks to camera. It’s awful isn’t it? If you’re the kind of swine-nosed, spotty sloven who is now tutting in disgust at such a sentiment, we have news.

Mr Benedict Cumberbatch, a man with a face like an iron hand, is going to be in the new Star Trek movie.

The British actor has been cast in J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his 2009 ‘Star Trek’ reboot, according to Deadline.com. And when have they ever lied? And he could well be getting a juicy role.

Of course, you’re not bothered about the role he’ll be getting because you’re still fapping over the various glimpses of flesh that Benny Cummerbund flashes during his tenure as a smack-head violin detective aren’t you?

For those not working their groins up into a froth, Cumberbatch’s role is shrouded in mystery BUT, it seems that there’s mutterings which are growing louder and louder.

The rumours say that he’ll be playing the movie’s villain. Quite possibly Khan. This gives us the chance to mention the original Khan because not only is it relevant, but it’s also the best name ever – Ricardo Montalban.

Cumberbatch has a full diary of late, starring as a British cavalry officer in Spielberg’s ‘War Horse’ as well as a turn in ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’. He’s also joining his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman in ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ as the voice of the dragon Smaug.

Honestly. Grown men pretending to be dragons and elves.

Anyway, Benedict joins Chris Pine (Captain Kirk), Zachary Quinto (Spock), Zoe Saldana (Uhura), Karl Urban (Dr. McCoy), John Cho (Sulu) and Simon Pegg (Scotty) in this new Trekfest and everyone can continue having a big ol’ fiddle with themselves.

Hope you’re happy, scumbags.

Simon Pegg – impressively dislikeable since his days in Spaced – is, of course, becoming something of a ‘name’ in Hollywood. Well done him. Basically, he’s Rent-A-Nerd and he’s doing very nicely out of it thankyouverymuch.

If you didn’t know, Pegg starred as Scotty in the remake of Star Trek (the one with him from Heroes in it) and he’s opening and closing his mouth about ‘Star Trek 2′ which is due out in the next couple of years.

Typically, he’s complaining about it, furrowing his pale brow over the rumour that superhuman Khan will be the villain in the forthcoming sequel. Why?

Pegg is under the impression that Khan wouldn’t work because fans have seen him ”before”. That’d be Simon Pegg who plays Scotty who, presumably, hasn’t been seen before. Scotty from Star Trek which totally wasn’t on the TV in the ’60s with various film spin-offs before this rehash.

He said:

“I haven’t heard the name Khan come up. Not to say it won’t come up, but I have heard no mention of him whatsoever.”

“He is a great villain. I don’t want to say too much and then have to eat my words as I often do, but we’ve seen Khan in a Trek movie before. To see him again, how much value is there in that? I don’t know.”

Of course, he might be implying that you’d need an actor with a cooler name than Ricardo Montalban to star as Khan and, indeed, someone willing to wear a plastic torso as well as the finest named actor IN THE UNIVERSE.

But probably not. It’s just Simon Pegg moaning about a stupid sci-fi franchise that totally isn’t nearly as good as Star Wars.

Treklodites will no doubt already be aware that Pegg will once again be joined by Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana. The rest of the world can read that sentence and go back to not caring one jot.

Now, what have we got to do to see a filthy slug disappear down someone’s ear to make us all dry-heave? Even more frightening in German you say?

HUZZAH! *pukes in hand*

Remember Zachary Quinto? He’s the baddie from Heroes. He’s the latest Spock from Star Trek: Generation X or whatever it was called. Well, there’s a chance you women have seen him and like his mountainous, rugged head.

Well he hates yours. He doesn’t like the sleek curves of a lady’s face. He is completely unaroused by your pouting buttocks.

That’s because Quinto likes angry members, hairy backs, chins like emery boards, toe-nails that look like Quavers and armpit hair. Yessir, Zachary Quinto is as gay as the day is long (24 hours gay, if you’re wondering). How do we know?

While promoting his upcoming flick, Margin Call (some thriller that looks at the financial meltdown of the entire universe), he casually threw the whole gay thing in the ring.

No. Not that kind of ring you disgusting fools.

Also looking at his turn in Angels in America, Zacho Quintary said that the Broadway role had made him realise how lucky he was to have been born in ’77. Basically, he was too late to have witnessed the deliriously awful AIDS crisis’ that occurred in the mid-’80s, when the play takes place.

He says:

“As a gay man, it made me feel like there’s still so much work to be done, and there’s still so many things that need to be looked at and addressed”

See? Casual as you like. He’s gay.

This of course, leaves the door wide open for ugly womenfolk to say “Why are all the best ones taken or gay?” Really, they’re not. It’s you. You’re the problem. All the ‘best ones’ keep running away from you.

And in completely non-hilarious news, is was the suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer that spurred Quinto on to post a message on his personal blog:

“In light of jamey’s death — it became clear to me in an instant that living a gay life without publicly acknowledging it — is simply not enough to make any significant contribution to the immense work that lies ahead on the road to complete equality”

There you go boob-havers and bullies. Zachary Quinto dry-heaves at the very thought of you.

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William Shatner – or, The Shat, as we like to call him -  is a fine, fine man. We say ‘fine’. We actually mean ‘like watching an endless loop of terrible car wrecks, limbs flying through the air’.

Right? Right.

The Shat is prone to opening his mouth and not thinking too much about what tumbles out. That’s why he’s so fun. And when he does think about it for a second, it usually translates into the most hilariously earnest acting you’ve ever seen. That doesn’t stop him from judging other people’s work. Hell no. Why would it? Now, he’s sticking the boot into Star Wars. It’s Star Wars versus Star Trek!

See, despite obvious evidence to the contrary – not that Bill Shatner would know, because he’s never seen Star Trek according to… well… himself – the daft ol’ sod who played Captain Kirk doesn’t think George Lucas’s six-film franchise is a patch on Star Trek.

He told The Sun:

“Star Trek had relationships and stories that involved humanity and philosophical questions. Star Wars was special effects.”

Yep. Star Trek definitely didn’t have any of those. You’ve seen those polystyrene rocks and lousy costumes they all wore, right?

And of course, Star Wars dealt with humanity (the lack of it in Darth Vader; the toil of the human soul in the face of inherent good/intrinsic evil  with Anakin; the cry of OH THE HUMANITY every time Jar Jar Binks appeared on-screen) and philosophy (Yoda – The end) while Star Trek… uuh… well… there was a lot of sitting around waiting for meteors to hit the ship.

But Shatto isn’t done there. He’s laying into Princess Leia, played by Carrie Fisher, adding:

“[She] can’t compare to the marvellous heroines we had on Star Trek.”

That’d be the marvellous heroines who Bill didn’t like talking too much. Nichelle Nichols (Uhura you you-hura) infamously gave The Shat a dressing down, kicking off with ‘Now let me tell you why I hate you‘ before telling him that, despite the few lines she had in the show, he would sometimes argue with the director that an Uhura dialog line was unnecessary.

To quote Nichols:

“Bill Shatner would crap on the last piece of pizza just so no-one else could enjoy it.”

So, aside from Star Trek fans and actors (Nichelle Nichols excepted, of course) all being wholly stupid and mental, Lucas doesn’t compare to Shatner in one field.

Roll VT…

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Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.

But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.

The same can’t be said for our Henrietta Hoover, though. Sure, she has an eager face, a bag full of accessories and a suck that could strip paint, but she looks more like a hyperactive child that has drunk too much Sunny D than Darryl Hannah in Bladerunner.

Mind you, come to think of it, her bag has been a full a lot recently – the cheap, pink floozy. OK, we are only joking now – and, sure, as we write, we feel slightly soiled and unusual, but robots really can be sexy.

Think about it, robots do what you ask them to do and are happy to please. Plus their beauty never fades and there is always an off switch for those rare occasions when their ‘personality’ chips overheat. Then the attraction starts to become obvious: Less housework, less conflict and more sex – even if it is a bit icky, like trying to mount a pink Optimus Prime or something.

But which robots from movies, TV and even music videos are the sexiest? Well, hecklerspray, as always, provides lame answers to the questions you never asked in the first place.

We have even managed to get one bloke in our list of lovely lady-bots to make it fairer. Mind you it is Jude Law, who, especially after seeing a picture of his private parts, barely counts.

Anyway enjoy – we are already looking forward to comments of ‘you forgot blah blah from that film no one has ever heard of’. Oh, and, yes, we are including bloody cyborgs. Don’t start.

22. Bjork lesbian robot
From: Music video All Is Full Of Love

Brilliant video of Bjork getting it on with herself. No, not like that.

21. Cameron (Summer Glau)
From: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Everyone loves the Summer.

20. Gigolo Joe (Jude Law)
From: AI

Token bloke alert.

19. Diana A
From: Mazinger Z

Her breasts are missiles – what else needs to be said. Don’t look at us like that.

18. Annalee Call (Winona Ryder)
From: Alien Resurrection

Everyone’s favourite shoplifter.

17. Alice (Isabel Lucas)
From: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Great tongue and a more convincing human being than Megan Fox.

16. Joanna Eberhart (Katharine Ross)
From: Stepford Wives (1975 version)

What? Come on! You so would. Or, errr, would have done.

15. Various (The Fembots)
From: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Even Liz Hurley almost passed as sexy as a FemBot. Mind you, she already had the robotic moves and cold, emotionless stare – that’s how she normally acts.

14. Rosie (voice of Jean Vander Pyl)
From: The Jetsons

So eager to please.

13. Eve (Renee Soutendijk)
From: Eve of Destruction

If you have never seen this film, get it out now. It’s about a government-created robot built in the image of a sexy scientist and it’s up to actor/dancer Gregory Hines to stop her from blowing up and taking everyone with her. Really.

12. Joanna Eberhart (Nicole Kidman)
From: The Stepford Wives (newer, crappier version)

OK, not to everyone’s taste, but this is my list, OK?

11. Casella ‘Cash’ Reese (Angelina Jolie)
From: Cyborg 2

Cyborg 2 is so bad, it’s worse than Cyborg. But Angelina Jolie, before she is famous, has a naked scene where she cavorts with the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (No, not Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince). You can almost smell her desperation.

10. Maria (Brigitte Helm)
From: Metropolis

An exotic dancer who doesn’t talk?

9. Rachael (Sean Young)
From: Blade Runner

Our replicants really robots, who cares?

8. Gigolo Jane (Ashley Scott)
From: AI

AI is a such a bad film. Even worse than Cyborg 2. But strikingly attractive love-bot, Gigolo Jane, almost makes up for the 18 bum-numbing hours sopent watching this utter turd.

7. Lucy Liu-bot
From: Futurama

A robot with the body of Lucy Liu that you can turn off – Hrrrrrh!!!

6. Android Andrea (Sherry Jackson)
From: Star Trek: The Original series

Kissing Kirk was not part of her programming. What can we say, programmes are there to be hacked. Better still that costume doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

5. Number Eight: Grace Park
From: Battlestar Galactica

4. Pris (Darryl Hannah)
From: Blade Runner

Basic pleasure model – need we say anymore?

3. Number Six (Tricia Helfer)
From: Battlestar Galatica

tricia-helfer

Top of the range toaster.

2. Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan)
From: Star Trek: Voyager

More 10 out of 10.

1. The Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken)
From: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

A clear winner.

Honorable mentions:
Demon Seed – Proteus
Arnie – Terminator franchise

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The range of characters that Leonard Nimoy has played in his time is staggering – there was Spock in Star Trek.

And Spock in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. And, um… oh, you know, all those other characters that IMDb says he played. Like Narab in 1952′s Zombies Of The Stratosphere. And Uncredited Young Ball Player in 1951′s Rhubarb. And the narrator in the videogame Civilisation IV. All of them iconic and all of them indelible, except for the ones that weren’t Spock, because we just had to look those ones up on the internet.

Those roles all need to be cherished because, at the age of 79, Leonard Nimoy has announced that he is to retire from acting. Although the profession has given him plenty of wonderful moments, he feels that now is the time to let Zachary Quinto get mercilessly hounded by legions of friendless, bad-smelling geeks all the bloody time.

Leonard Nimoy has decided to retire from acting and, despite our sniffy headline – and all three of the subsequent opening paragraphs – we’re actually quite sad about it. He may not have ever really reached William Shatner‘s level of cultural transcendence, nor has he ever been paid to eat slices of kangaroo bum on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here like George Takei – but if Leonard Nimoy had never played Spock on Star Trek all those years ago, then we would have missed out on some of his most golden moments.

We would have never got his 1977 book I Am Not Spock, for instance. Or his 1995 book I Am Spock. We would have never been exposed to his side-career as a photographer, and would therefore have seen far fewer naked women in our time. We would have never heard his exhausted country musical version of Put A Little Love In Your Heart, or his nightmarish song about Bilbo Baggins. And someone else would have directed Three Men And A Baby, preventing the world from shouting “Leonard NIMOY?” during the opening credits every time it gets shown on TV.

And now, at the age of 79, Leonard Nimoy has decided to jack it all in. The New York Post reports:

“I’ve been doing this professionally for 60 years,” Nimoy told the Toronto Sun. “I love the idea of going out on a positive note. I’ve had a great time… I want to get off stage,” he said. From now on, Nimoy intends to concentrate on his photography. (His specialty is unusual nude portraits.) People were skeptical about his photos, “but I’ve built credibility now in the art world,” he said.

We’re sad to see Leonard Nimoy go but his retirement has taught us several valuable lessons. Firstly, to always try new things. Secondly, to always remain as calm and authoritative as possible no matter the situation. And thirdly – and most importantly – to learn photography a few years before you retire, so that you can spend the last few years of your life gawping at minges, Spock would have been proud.

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10 - It’s probably safe to assume that Megan Fox has manky hands – Amy Grindhouse

9 – The Beatles: Surrey’s greatest export. No, really – SurreyHerald

8 - Something about evil babies. EVIL BABIES! – Cracked

7 - An opera version of a Dr Dre song. Marvellous - YouTube

6 - Five sinister newsreaders – Watchwithmothers

5 - Robocop sells out for Korean chicken- Geekologie

4 - Dolph Lundgren sings A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley, dances, plays the drums, punches through three planks of wood, obliterates four giant bars made of ice and then finishes singing A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley. In that order. You must watch this – Best Week Ever

3 - Go to the Philippines, sing My Way at a karaoke bar, end up dead. Nope, nothing weird about that – Asylum

2 – Nile Crane raps. FOR FOUR FUCKING MINUTES – My Chemical Toilet

1 - Ten minutes of Star Trek actors making sex noises. You’re welcome…

Here we are again, filling the gap between Christmas and next year with our favourite stuff from the year gone by.

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, this is 2009 so why aren’t you doing a list of the best stuff that’s happened this decade?” And the answer to that is this: We forgot it was the end of the decade. Alright? We forgot. AND NOW IT’S TOO LATE.

Anyway, let’s fill this poxy post Christmas wilderness with the best films of the year, as picked by our ragtag bunch of young adventurers. Let us know if you disagree…

Stuart Heritage

Bit torn over this one, really – for me there’s not much between Up and In The Loop. So do I choose Up – which is lovely and sad and funny and in 3D – or In The Loop because a Scottish man says “Fuckity-bye” in it? Screw it, I’m going with Up. Particularly the first few minutes of Up, which are impressively devastating. That said, I do get the feeling that if Pixar continue down this road much longer, they’re going to make a film depressing enough to inspire mass suicides every time it’s shown. Not sure that’s such a great thing, really.

Shawn Lindseth

The best movie of 2009 should have been the one we made starring our neighbor Phil as a two armed, giant tarantula who’d acquired the taste for the feet of all women who have silicone breast implants. That makes a lot more sense in the context of the script.  No movie studios agreed, probably because they’re all retarded.

As such, the only film worth two shakes in the year of our Lord, 2009, was the  new Star Trek. It really was good though.

Matthew Laidlow

Even though it was given a verbal shitting by critics at the cinema, I still love 12 Rounds. Come on! You know 12 Rounds. The one with John Cena in. The wrestler John Cena? It’s an age-old and basic plot. Stupid bumbling cop John Cena stops a master criminal in his tracks and accidentally kills his girlfriend. Of course, this doesn’t make the naughty man happy and seeks revenge in prison when he’s not getting bum love off another inmate.

So for an hour and a bit, there are 12 rounds (get it) of challenges for poor John Cena to go through. Buy why is this? Well our villain is so cheesed off that he’s only gone and kidnapped Cena’s girlfriend. All in a crap attempt to gain revenge and do something on a grander scale. I won’t spoil it, but the ending had me in fits of laughter.

Josh Burt

When I say I love The Hangover – which I’m going to do in about two/three sentences time – I don’t mean I love it at all. What I mean is that I quite like that three minute segment near the beginning when they’re on the roof and Zach Galifianakis reads a small pre-prepared speech about being a lone wolf. That bit made me laugh. I fucking love The Hangover.

Chris Laverty

For someone who reviews films on a regular basis, picking the best often means picking the most flat out enjoyable; not necessarily the sharpest written, acted, directed or produced, just the one that put the widest smile on your face; the one that didn’t leave you sick with disappointment or bored to tears and desperate for a leak; the one that wasn’t Transformers 2. Having laughed harder than a drunken clown and spent 90 minutes scrawling quotable lines in my notebook instead of review notes, I would have to say that film was The Hangover.

Amy Grindhouse

Some of the films this year were really dire. They felt like over-long, over-produced, glorified music videos. The Michael Bay-type, with a trendy soundtrack and more explosions and boobs than dialogue. My favourite film of the year is one that had the balls to not contain any explosions. My head nearly exploded when I watched it, but that’s another matter entirely. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire is my favourite film by a mile, because it contains snazzy things like plot, emotion, and decent acting. All controversial and all bloody good.

Paul Gibson

The Hangover. Much-hyped, devilishly naughty comedy that had me forgetting my English genes and folding up with laughter in an American ‘movie theater’. Excellent ensemble cast (I think that’s the correct film review cliche), including Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis go to work on a beautifully-written script (“Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor: don’t text me, it’s gay”). Plus, it made us see Mike Tyson as a human being again, rather than the monstrous half android/half bicep that has chased us through a decade of bad dreams.

Keith Emmerson

There were already rumours of an American remake of Let The Right One In when I saw a preview screening of this film, which is often incorrectly shoehorned into the vampire horror category. Perhaps those folks in Hollywood didn’t think the world at large had the (very limited) intellect required to enjoy a subtitled film, who knows. The vampiric element of this Swedish classic is probably the least important. It is a story about loneliness, growing up, companionship, bullying, and maybe even the futility of relationships; all se upon a desolate yet beautiful backdrop.

Louise Scodie

You’d have to be a hard-hearted puppyfucker not to be moved by Up. It’s my nomination for film of the year, film of the decade, and best film ever released in an October. Up is wonderful, and even more magical when viewed in 3D. The first fifteen minutes are a masterclass in storytelling and cinematography, seamlessly combining a love story with the harsh truth of the human condition (merry Christmas!). I also enjoyed He’s Just Not That Into You and plan to make a semi*cough*autobiographical sequel myself entitled He’s Just Not That Into You (Unless He’s Totally, Totally Mental).

David Scarborough

The funniest film of the year and it happens to be British – In The Loop. A satirical look at the British government that would be frightening if it wasn’t so darn hilarious! In a year when the startlingly average Slumdog Millionaire gets all the attention, this film got criminally overlooked.

Robyn Wilder

My favourite release of this year is Star Trek – so fresh! So original! No tedious Jean-Luc Picard French wine peasant backstory; no saggy Data; no bloody RIKER LOVE SCENES. This was prequel was so whizz-bang and personality-heavy that I forgot to wince whenever Sylar Spock’s waxed eyebrows filled the screen.

In fact they’re such jokers that they even made a gag reel:

However, so did the cast and crew of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and it fills me with FEAR:

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10 – The song that Will Ferrell nearly performed at the American Idol finale - Funnyordie

9 - You know that Octomom porno movie? Here’s the poster, and somewhat inevitable name – Bestweekever

8 – For some reason, the headline of this article made us scared to go outside – Livescience

7 – Look, it’s Hitler as a baby. No, really, it’s Hitler as a baby – Amphetamines

6 - 10 facts about orgasms - TED

5 - This clock is cool, so long as a) you’re old and b) you didn’t have many friends as a child – Flickr

4 - Things you shouldn’t read if you’re going skydiving with your little brother on Sunday, number one - ABC

3 - Some prissy little orders to JJ Abrams for inclusion in Star Trek 2 – Movieretriever

2 - So you’re a professional cheese carver. What do you look like? Your first guess was correct - YouTube

1 - This is currently one of the most-watched videos on YouTube. We hate the internet…

10 – Men! Do you pee messily? Also, are you a pathetic excuse for a human being? Then you need this! – Inventorspot

9 – Apparently dogs are as clever as toddlers, which is why we have several two-year-olds chained to posts outside our house for security – Health

8 - Terrified of snakes? No? What about NOW? – Environmentalgraffiti

7 – All babies are essentially rednecks. At least we think that’s the point of this video, anyway – Flickr.

6 - GRATUITOUS DEATH! – Esquire

5 - The good news is, there’s a new world’s oldest woman. The bad news is, oh… Dailymail

4 - Photographs by the blind – Time

3 - Terrifying sea monster ahoy! – Geekologie

2 - All the things wrong with Star Trek: a compelling list – Bestweekever

1 – And now, a word from Uhura…

10 - Public hysteria through history – Time

9 - More slow motion goodness, this time ridiculously beautiful – YouTube

8 - The new Star Trek movie would have been better if any of these aliens had been included – Cracked

7 - The Beatles Rock Band game is quickly becoming the best way for rich idiots to look authentically stupid – Gearlog

6 - Oh, the law. You’re funny – Trutv

5 - The world’s oldest dog is younger than Lindsay Lohan. Dogs are crap - MSNBC

4 - Why Barbarella died. Also, thank goodness Barbarella died – Movieline

3 - Iron Man 2! It exists – Paphotoshelter

2 - Old school computer death the way it should have been – Geekologie

1 - The best thing Guy Ritchie has ever had a hand in (insert Madonna joke here)…

Do you want the good news or the bad news? OK, the good news. Star Trek is the first Star Trek movie in ages that’s any good.

The bad news? The bad news is that, because Star Trek is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, Simon Pegg is doomed to spend the rest of his life answering impenetrable questions from stinking spods while harbouring a festering resentment towards Chris Pine’s growing messiah complex.

But still, Star Trek is the new weekend box office movie and that’s good. They’ll get to shout “KHAAAAAN!” in the next one.

Of course Star Trek is the top movie at the weekend box office. Of course it is. It hasn’t just picked up some of the best reviews of the year so far, but it’s also been directed by JJ Abrams who understands how these things should work.

True, based on his work on Lost, it means that the next five Star Trek sequels will get sillier and more incomprehensible and Jim Robinson from Neighbours will somehow become a leading character and there’ll be a bloody statue that pops up from nowhere and Rose and Bernard will just disappear without explanation and WHY WON’T ANYONE SAY WHERE ROSE AND BERNARD WENT, HUH? Where did they go? You bastard.

Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Star Trek (Not really a trek, though, is it? Make it more like a trek next time, Abrams. Sensible walking shoes and Ordinance Survey maps and flasks of orange juice and inescapable boredom please) $72,500,000

2 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Note to online pirates: if any of you plan on leaking any more summer blockbusters to the internet weeks before its release date, could you please make the next one a good one? Thanks, love hecklerspray) $27,000,000

3 - Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past (Why are they all ghosts? Because they killed themselves. They killed themselves because Matthew McConaughey was their boyfriend and he’s a massive turdface. That’s why) $10,450,000

4 - Obsessed (It’s great that Beyonce is in a film called Obsessed, because people really are obsessed with her. It’s why the other two members of Destiny’s Child are about to star in a film called Vague And Constantly Diminishing Awareness Of Your Existence) $6,600,000

5 - 17 Again (Narrowly edging out Next Day Air, the new movie starring that person from Scrubs. No, not that person from Scrubs. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. That one) $4,405,000

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Friendly and hostile.

Folded:

• Star Trek ’09 (boldly go, beam me up, etc. The mythology’s cack, but this re-boot is terrific)
• Tanqueray gin (that’s right, from the Amy Winehouse song)
• Dr. Beardface (“it’s Beardfacé!!!”)
• I Remember by Deadmau5 (sing along any lyrics you like, we guarantee they’ll fit)
• Mikado chocolates (ridiculously sexy advert and tasty chocolate. Quids in)

Creased:

• Freeze by T-Pain featuring Chris Brown (sounds like an old Spectrum 48k struggling to load)
• Teaching adverts (become a secondary teacher, earn 30k a year, find yourself bleeding to death from stab wounds in the school car park)
• “LOL” (it’s text speak. You don’t have to say it out loud)
• Hair extensions (have you ever seen them fall off someone’s head? In a bar?! It’s frightening)
• People complaining about the Mikado advert (probably just women who if they climbed on top of a photocopier would crash through the glass)

Have you had trouble being convinced by the new Star Trek trailer because Captain Kirk isn’t in a wig and a girdle?

Us too. But hope is at hand. Even though Star Trek hasn’t been released yet, Paramount has hired a bunch of writers to script a sequel. This is obviously the start of a series of relentless, progressively worsening Star Trek movies that will end when the cast are tubby 70-year-olds who openly despise one another.

In the meantime, however, at least we have Chris Pine‘s album of spoken-word Bob Dylan interpretations to look forward to. Which is something.

It’s hard not to be excited by the prospect of a new Star Trek movie. Finally, a film that combines everything we love – aliens, plotlines that appear to be stolen from a decade-old episode of Hollyoaks, a soundtrack that’s identical to The Dark Knight‘s soundtrack and Eric Bana looking like dozed off in the middle of tattooing his own face. Star Trek is going to be awesome.

Or, alternatively, Star Trek is going to be terrible. We don’t know yet, because it isn’t being released for over a month. In fact, all we do know about Star Trek is that a) William Shatner isn’t in it, b) Simon Pegg‘s going to do an inexplicable accent in it and c) if it isn’t better than Watchmen, the planet will be swallowed up by the charred intestines of spontaneously-combusted geeks by May 9.

But Paramount must think that Star Trek is pretty decent – or at least that people will be stupid enough to go and see it – because it has already assembled a group of writers to start work on a sequel. The New York Daily News reports:

Paramount will release the first film May 8 and has already hired a team of writers to work on a follow-up screenplay, Variety reports.”Obviously we discussed ideas, but we are waiting to see how audiences respond next month,” said Damon Lindelof, one of three writers working on the new script. “With a franchise rebirth, the first movie has to be about origin. But with a second, you have the opportunity to explore incredibly exciting things. We’ll be ambitious about what we’ll do,” he said.

So nobody knows what Star Trek 2 is going to be about, but since Damon Lindelof from Lost is going to be writing it, we get the feeling that it’ll drag on for five years, have a second act that’s set in the 1970s for no good reason and generally be so maddening that people will either stop watching it halfway through or spend the majority of their lives posting half-baked, cack-handed theories about it on the internet.

However, some have suggested that Star Trek 2 will be a remake of The Wrath Of Khan. Obviously this is stupid, since that’s a story that’s already been told. But Star Trek 4 had better still be primarily about the logistics of manufacturing a vessel to contain a pair of time-travelling humpback whales, otherwise we’re going to be sorely pissed off.

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There was a time when the thought of another Star Trek movie would have filled us with dread.

There is only so many times you can see William Shatner waddling around the set saving whales or whatever.

But, having just watched the new trailer of the upcoming Star Trek movie, we are actually quite looking forward to it. Well, as much as the cynical gits in this office can get excited about a movie. It looks quite, um, good.

Anyway, take a look yourself, and see what you think.