You’ve seen Sherlock on BBC television right? Yeah, that homoerotic nonsense that all furrowed brows and winks to camera. It’s awful isn’t it? If you’re the kind of swine-nosed, spotty sloven who is now tutting in disgust at such a sentiment, we have news.

Mr Benedict Cumberbatch, a man with a face like an iron hand, is going to be in the new Star Trek movie.

The British actor has been cast in J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his 2009 ‘Star Trek’ reboot, according to Deadline.com. And when have they ever lied? And he could well be getting a juicy role.

Of course, you’re not bothered about the role he’ll be getting because you’re still fapping over the various glimpses of flesh that Benny Cummerbund flashes during his tenure as a smack-head violin detective aren’t you?

For those not working their groins up into a froth, Cumberbatch’s role is shrouded in mystery BUT, it seems that there’s mutterings which are growing louder and louder.

The rumours say that he’ll be playing the movie’s villain. Quite possibly Khan. This gives us the chance to mention the original Khan because not only is it relevant, but it’s also the best name ever – Ricardo Montalban.

Cumberbatch has a full diary of late, starring as a British cavalry officer in Spielberg’s ‘War Horse’ as well as a turn in ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’. He’s also joining his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman in ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ as the voice of the dragon Smaug.

Honestly. Grown men pretending to be dragons and elves.

Anyway, Benedict joins Chris Pine (Captain Kirk), Zachary Quinto (Spock), Zoe Saldana (Uhura), Karl Urban (Dr. McCoy), John Cho (Sulu) and Simon Pegg (Scotty) in this new Trekfest and everyone can continue having a big ol’ fiddle with themselves.

Hope you’re happy, scumbags.

Simon Pegg – impressively dislikeable since his days in Spaced – is, of course, becoming something of a ‘name’ in Hollywood. Well done him. Basically, he’s Rent-A-Nerd and he’s doing very nicely out of it thankyouverymuch.

If you didn’t know, Pegg starred as Scotty in the remake of Star Trek (the one with him from Heroes in it) and he’s opening and closing his mouth about ‘Star Trek 2′ which is due out in the next couple of years.

Typically, he’s complaining about it, furrowing his pale brow over the rumour that superhuman Khan will be the villain in the forthcoming sequel. Why?

Pegg is under the impression that Khan wouldn’t work because fans have seen him ”before”. That’d be Simon Pegg who plays Scotty who, presumably, hasn’t been seen before. Scotty from Star Trek which totally wasn’t on the TV in the ’60s with various film spin-offs before this rehash.

He said:

“I haven’t heard the name Khan come up. Not to say it won’t come up, but I have heard no mention of him whatsoever.”

“He is a great villain. I don’t want to say too much and then have to eat my words as I often do, but we’ve seen Khan in a Trek movie before. To see him again, how much value is there in that? I don’t know.”

Of course, he might be implying that you’d need an actor with a cooler name than Ricardo Montalban to star as Khan and, indeed, someone willing to wear a plastic torso as well as the finest named actor IN THE UNIVERSE.

But probably not. It’s just Simon Pegg moaning about a stupid sci-fi franchise that totally isn’t nearly as good as Star Wars.

Treklodites will no doubt already be aware that Pegg will once again be joined by Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana. The rest of the world can read that sentence and go back to not caring one jot.

Now, what have we got to do to see a filthy slug disappear down someone’s ear to make us all dry-heave? Even more frightening in German you say?

HUZZAH! *pukes in hand*

Director/producer/other stuff-er JJ Abrams has mentioned the next Star Trek film in an interview. As you all know when someone says anything about a forthcoming sci-fi or superhero film, it’s our duty as a blog to report the same story as everybody else regardless of how little information we are actually conveying.

Your job, as drooling fanboys, is to then get all excited/angry about what we write.

Abrams mentioned in an interview that he’s going to start working on the sequel to his 2009 Star Trek re-boot, presumably after he’s finished his promotional obligations for his latest film Super 8.

The film is currently scheduled for a release next summer. When pressed on this matter by a more prestigious news broadcaster Abrams said:

“I’m not so sure, but I know that we’re trying, we’re working on the script and story and doing everything we can to make it well,”

before continuing with the superficially re-assuring but essentially meaningless

“I would just so much rather make a movie that’s worth people’s time than make a movie that’s on time.”

Hopefully Abrams will keep the best things about the first film (the terrific score, atmosphere, smart script and funny bits with Simon Pegg), and with a bit of luck, Kirk won’t just be a total dick this time. Did anyone else leave the cinema scratching their head that it seems all you have to do to become captain of the federation’s flagship is to just act like an impetuous, narcissistic ballbag? But that’s OK because he’s a maverick. We can tell this because HE RIDES A MOTORBIKE.

The fortunate thing about a long wait between the films is that the cast might actually look like grown-ups by then.

Oh and here’s a trailer for Super 8, which could go either way…

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Have you had trouble being convinced by the new Star Trek trailer because Captain Kirk isn’t in a wig and a girdle?

Us too. But hope is at hand. Even though Star Trek hasn’t been released yet, Paramount has hired a bunch of writers to script a sequel. This is obviously the start of a series of relentless, progressively worsening Star Trek movies that will end when the cast are tubby 70-year-olds who openly despise one another.

In the meantime, however, at least we have Chris Pine‘s album of spoken-word Bob Dylan interpretations to look forward to. Which is something.

It’s hard not to be excited by the prospect of a new Star Trek movie. Finally, a film that combines everything we love – aliens, plotlines that appear to be stolen from a decade-old episode of Hollyoaks, a soundtrack that’s identical to The Dark Knight‘s soundtrack and Eric Bana looking like dozed off in the middle of tattooing his own face. Star Trek is going to be awesome.

Or, alternatively, Star Trek is going to be terrible. We don’t know yet, because it isn’t being released for over a month. In fact, all we do know about Star Trek is that a) William Shatner isn’t in it, b) Simon Pegg‘s going to do an inexplicable accent in it and c) if it isn’t better than Watchmen, the planet will be swallowed up by the charred intestines of spontaneously-combusted geeks by May 9.

But Paramount must think that Star Trek is pretty decent – or at least that people will be stupid enough to go and see it – because it has already assembled a group of writers to start work on a sequel. The New York Daily News reports:

Paramount will release the first film May 8 and has already hired a team of writers to work on a follow-up screenplay, Variety reports.”Obviously we discussed ideas, but we are waiting to see how audiences respond next month,” said Damon Lindelof, one of three writers working on the new script. “With a franchise rebirth, the first movie has to be about origin. But with a second, you have the opportunity to explore incredibly exciting things. We’ll be ambitious about what we’ll do,” he said.

So nobody knows what Star Trek 2 is going to be about, but since Damon Lindelof from Lost is going to be writing it, we get the feeling that it’ll drag on for five years, have a second act that’s set in the 1970s for no good reason and generally be so maddening that people will either stop watching it halfway through or spend the majority of their lives posting half-baked, cack-handed theories about it on the internet.

However, some have suggested that Star Trek 2 will be a remake of The Wrath Of Khan. Obviously this is stupid, since that’s a story that’s already been told. But Star Trek 4 had better still be primarily about the logistics of manufacturing a vessel to contain a pair of time-travelling humpback whales, otherwise we’re going to be sorely pissed off.

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