You’ve seen Sherlock on BBC television right? Yeah, that homoerotic nonsense that all furrowed brows and winks to camera. It’s awful isn’t it? If you’re the kind of swine-nosed, spotty sloven who is now tutting in disgust at such a sentiment, we have news.
Mr Benedict Cumberbatch, a man with a face like an iron hand, is going to be in the new Star Trek movie.
The British actor has been cast in J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his 2009 ‘Star Trek’ reboot, according to Deadline.com. And when have they ever lied? And he could well be getting a juicy role.
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Simon Pegg – impressively dislikeable since his days in Spaced – is, of course, becoming something of a ‘name’ in Hollywood. Well done him. Basically, he’s Rent-A-Nerd and he’s doing very nicely out of it thankyouverymuch.
If you didn’t know, Pegg starred as Scotty in the remake of Star Trek (the one with him from Heroes in it) and he’s opening and closing his mouth about ‘Star Trek 2′ which is due out in the next couple of years.
Typically, he’s complaining about it, furrowing his pale brow over the rumour that superhuman Khan will be the villain in the forthcoming sequel. Why?
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Remember Zachary Quinto? He’s the baddie from Heroes. He’s the latest Spock from Star Trek: Generation X or whatever it was called. Well, there’s a chance you women have seen him and like his mountainous, rugged head.
Well he hates yours. He doesn’t like the sleek curves of a lady’s face. He is completely unaroused by your pouting buttocks.
That’s because Quinto likes angry members, hairy backs, chins like emery boards, toe-nails that look like Quavers and armpit hair. Yessir, Zachary Quinto is as gay as the day is long (24 hours gay, if you’re wondering). How do we know?
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William Shatner – or, The Shat, as we like to call him - is a fine, fine man. We say ‘fine’. We actually mean ‘like watching an endless loop of terrible car wrecks, limbs flying through the air’.
Right? Right.
The Shat is prone to opening his mouth and not thinking too much about what tumbles out. That’s why he’s so fun. And when he does think about it for a second, it usually translates into the most hilariously earnest acting you’ve ever seen. That doesn’t stop him from judging other people’s work. Hell no. Why would it? Now, he’s sticking the boot into Star Wars. It’s Star Wars versus Star Trek!
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Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.
But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.
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The range of characters that Leonard Nimoy has played in his time is staggering – there was Spock in Star Trek.
And Spock in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. And, um… oh, you know, all those other characters that IMDb says he played. Like Narab in 1952′s Zombies Of The Stratosphere. And Uncredited Young Ball Player in 1951′s Rhubarb. And the narrator in the videogame Civilisation IV. All of them iconic and all of them indelible, except for the ones that weren’t Spock, because we just had to look those ones up on the internet.
Those roles all need to be cherished because, at the age of 79, Leonard Nimoy has announced that he is to retire from acting. Although the profession has given him plenty of wonderful moments, he feels that now is the time to let Zachary Quinto get mercilessly hounded by legions of friendless, bad-smelling geeks all the bloody time.
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10 - It’s probably safe to assume that Megan Fox has manky hands – Amy Grindhouse
9 – The Beatles: Surrey’s greatest export. No, really – SurreyHerald
8 - Something about evil babies. EVIL BABIES! – Cracked
7 - An opera version of a Dr Dre song. Marvellous - YouTube
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Here we are again, filling the gap between Christmas and next year with our favourite stuff from the year gone by.
Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, this is 2009 so why aren’t you doing a list of the best stuff that’s happened this decade?” And the answer to that is this: We forgot it was the end of the decade. Alright? We forgot. AND NOW IT’S TOO LATE.
Anyway, let’s fill this poxy post Christmas wilderness with the best films of the year, as picked by our ragtag bunch of young adventurers. Let us know if you disagree…
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