Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Last week was exciting wasn’t it? Did you all get Valentine’s gifts and do that sex thing with someone?attractive? ?Of course you didn’t, you were all too busy trying to survive another week on Earth, like a load of spotty, overweight extras in a JJ Abrams movie.
So well done for not getting eaten by dinosaurs and let’s rush on and see what terrible things await you this week. Even if death isn’t on the cards, it’s going to be brutal.
Trust us. We’re all kinds of spooky.
What’s this? You’ve managed to survive another week? ?Congratulations! Now look, we’re the first to admit that we sometimes get it wrong. But not this week. This week, we’re bang on. Trust us. ?We’d never lie to you. Let’s look at what rotten luck awaits you this week. It’s your own fault for being born.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
The planets are playing a song for you …’Love is a stranger in an open car, to tempt you in and drive your far away’…sorry, not love. Abduction. We recommend staying in this week.
We know things… things told to us in a dream by the stars and the planets and by stalking you on Twitter and hacking your Facebook account. ?These insights help us determine exactly what’s going to happen to you this week.
Unless you’ve changed your password again, in which case these may be entirely made up by our resident drunk and expert in things, ?Joanna Bolouri
It’s time for some horoscoping.
