Chav icon and astonishing dimwit Kerry Katona, has been bothering the police after receiving phone calls from a suspected stalker who has obviously reached a low point in their life, given that they could have shown interest in ANYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!
It seems an American woman, believed to be called Stella, has been ringing Katona ‘non-stop for weeks’ and recently contacted the reality star’s manager Max Clifford, claiming to have watched her getting changed at her Surrey mansion.
Yes. Really.
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Celebrities, famous people and royalty – they’ve all got a lot in common over you haven’t they? Whilst they live in lavish accommodation and have a team of people to cater for their every need, you’re lucky if you receive post that isn’t from a debt collection agency or from a takeaway.
While wealth is another colossal difference between us plebs and an actor who makes nothing but straight-to-DVD films, one of the biggest annoyances that many people find is that they’ll never get to meet their idols. A-listers don’t use things like Foursquare, because if they did, we’d stalk them. Stalk them good. So what can we do?
Well you could pack up and move to New York, LA or London where celebrities breed like rats. But if you don’t have stalker tendencies, then this isn’t really a viable option. However, you could just approach Una from The Saturdays. She won’t slap you with a restraining order. Instead she’ll encourage you to poke and prod her. LET’S ALL TOUCH UNA FROM THE SATURDAYS!
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We’ve long enjoyed stalking celebrities in their homes. It gives us not only a sense of knowing the celebrity that little bit more, but also, a sense of achievement. Ever scaled an electrified security fence covered in vandal grease and then sneaked through a tiny lavatory window undetected? You haven’t lived.
Sadly though, the vandal paint provides an excellent tracking system as dirty great footprints chart your progress to-and-from the knicker drawer.
And we’ve found this out to our expense again as ‘scribe Dep. Ed., Michael Park has once again been arrested outside Paris Hilton’s Hollywood Hills home in Malibu. We’ve give the exact address but we’re hoarding it for ourselves and giving to it Michael as a gift on his release. We’ve also got a picture of Michael’s arrest for your delectation.
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Here at hecklerspray, we take stalking very seriously indeed. So seriously in fact, we spend all of our bingo winnings on really hi-tech night vision goggles making sure all those celebrities are safe from harm while undressing in front of their bedroom windows at night.
However, in the days before Tom Cruise was the only slightly sinister man to follow Nicole Kidman around, she has revealed that she was once stalked as a teenager.
This wouldn’t have happened on our watch.
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This is awkward. Despite currently resembling the bastard child of River Phoenix and Alanis Morissette it seems Ed Furlong has gotten himself married without anyone really realising. Not only that, but the straight-to-dvd ‘star’ has been howling-at-the-moon crazy for so long it’s a wonder he’s still at liberty.
And we’ve overlooked it. Give us a break. Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen have been keeping us busy.
But it turns out he’s nuttier than the both of them, squared. Read More >>>
You might classify drawing a picture of yourself walking along a razorblade while Uma Thurman digs your grave, or threatening to kill yourself if you ever see see Uma Thurman with another man as 'quite mental'.
But Jack Jordan certainly wouldn't, no sirree. And that's a shame, because he's the man who was arrested and stands accused of recently doing both of those things to Uma Thurman. But there's a lifeline – prosecutors have offered Jack Jordan a plea deal that would mean he'd get a reduced sentence if he admits guilt to the charges of stalking and attempted coercion. The only problem there is that Jack Jordan would be spending the reduced sentence locked up in a mental institution. And since he claims he isn't mental, Jack Jordan has decided to reject it. But, come on, liking Uma Thurman? And he claims he isn't crazy?
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