God, look at you all.
Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.
You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.
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The dignity that Lindsay Lohan has demonstrated in the face of her impending imprisonment is truly admirable.
Oh, hang on. Wait. We were thinking of someone else. Our fault. Sorry. What we actually meant to say was ‘Ha ha ha, Lindsay Lohan has been quoting the UN’s Universal Declaration Of Human Rights on her Twitter page just because she’s going to prison for a few weeks soon, ha ha ha what a colossal helmet’. Yes, that seems more appropriate.
Because that’s what she’s done. Hours after being sentenced to a maximum of 90 days in jail, Lindsay Lohan appears to have singled herself out as a victim of cruel and inhuman punishment. Tell you what Lindsay, you sit all the way through I Know Who Killed Me and then we’ll talk about cruel and inhuman punishment, OK?
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Chelsea and England football captain John Terry has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.
According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.
So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.
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John terry face maskThe Chelsea and England captain has unveiled himself to be a mighty piece of scum, for he has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.
According to The Sun, that daily newspaper of the damned (i.e. fickle minded proles of Rupert Murdoch's right wing agenda and, worse, Showbiz reporters looking for a story to claim as their own), John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) 27, parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally and immorally outside Pizza express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours, as he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family pretentiously perused the menu, arrogantly ordered their food, menacingly munched it down in-between supercilious slurps of their drinks, whilst a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher, desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.
