stadium rock - HecklerSpray

Steven Tyler Wants You To Lose Your Lunch By Talking About Sex

January 17th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine a long, slender sliver of beef jerky. Now, imagine it is covered entirely in human scarring. Imagine it twitching and yelping. Imagine the greasy residue it leaves on the counter as it moves from side-to-side. You’re imagining Steven Tyler having sex!

Well done you! And look! There’s some erupting acid-reflux!

See, Steven Tyler (the second best Mick Jagger impersonator after Jagger himself) wants to talk about sex. Y’know sex right? That awkward, awful hobby that requires you to take your clothes off and grunt like an asthmatic sow, hunched over like a defecating dog? Well Tyler likes to talk about sex because, in his world of geriatric cosiness, mentioning sex is still pretty shocking. Bless his little rubbery face.

We Built This City On Awesome: How Starship Didn’t Make The Worst Record Of The ’80s

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

It's very difficult to find any song in the 80s that could be categorized as ?Good/Meh,? they all seem to be generally awful but in different ways. All the New Romantic electro stuff, for example, has recently had a resurfacing as ?cool? and ?inspirational? but who is it ?inspirational? for? People who want to be Lady Gaga, that's who.

And although 80s Hip Hop might come back round again, the only person it benefits is Will Smith (who will probably have another room in his mansion decorated with 24 carat gold wallpaper) or DJ Jazzy Jeff (who will probably have another cardboard wall put onto his box).

Rolling Stone, that bastion of cocking arsewipes has decided that not only do they have the self-congratulated intelligence to judge what is good, and what is bad, but they've even decided to tell everyone what their opinion is. Isn't that good for everyone? Aren't we all glad? Of course we're not glad. Are we idiots?

Steven Tyler And Johnny Depp Make Terrible Music Together

May 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Aerosmith are an astonishing tale. They really are. Through drugs, women and one of the most average back catalogues in rock history, they’ve managed to become superstars simply by surviving.

And up-top, there’s wobbling sofa-bed lipped Steven Tyler, poncing around like royalty, determined to be louder than his bandmates who have had to put up with him since some time in the ’70s.

However, Aerosmith hate each other’s guts at the moment so Steven is making music with someone else. Another deity from rock’s pantheon? No. Johnny ‘the actor’ Depp. That’s right kids! Tyler and Depp are making awful music together and Tyler likes mentioning it, just on the off-chance it grinds the gears of Joe Perry & Co. Which it will. Because they’re all wrinkly children with failing livers.

American Idol Say Sorry For Steven Tyler, But Sadly, Not For Years Of Dismal Aerosmith Music

February 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Aerosmith – America’s answer to Status Quo – have plodded around like a sick bull for the best part of 320 years on the rock ‘n’ roll circuit. With a mixture of stadium sized choruses, a front man who looks like a melted waxwork of a combination of WWE wrestlers and the regular soap opera of their substance abuses, they’ve somehow managed to not go away and die under a hedge.

Steven Tyler has managed to keep his toe in the celebrity pondscum by, lately, having a very open and ugly feud with his band mates, declaring himself to be “the whole rainbow”, whatever the shit that means.

And, now, he’s still hanging around like a rubber gargoyle filled with sleeping tablets and meths, sat behind a desk as one of American Idol’s judges. It’s the latter which he’d like to apologise for.