Hey everyone, you massive pile of galahs! Pandre Peter Pandre Andre here, and I’ve been given just enough time by the scummy hoardes at hecklerspray to give something back to you, the people.
That’s what I’m all about now. Giving something back. You may have seen my new show on ITV2, that I don’t like to talk about, Here 2 Help? That’s all about me giving something back as well, to people who are so pathetic and downtrodden that just me giving them one of my special Pandre hugs and lobbing half a ballad at them makes them rise up and walk like Lazarus.
But I don’t like to talk about that show, that’s on every other hour on ITV2. Or talk about how much I love my kids, because I really love my kids. I just want to give some more things back… like tell you how to get a woman to date you!
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So that’s it. X Factor 2009 is finally over. And in Joe McElderry, we have found a worthy winner. Well, a winner.
Well, a winner by default. In truth, nobody was particularly crazy about Joe McElderry, but at least he’ll now get to realise his dream of always being known for singing a genuinely awful Miley Cyrus ballad, so that’s something. Remember the name Joe McElderry – not because he’s destined to become a megastar, but because it’s bound to eventually be the answer to the pub quiz question ‘What was the name of that funny-looking boy who won X Factor in 2009 and then almost immediately got dropped by his record label?’
Still, we’ve just come out of a gargantuan X Factor weekend, so let’s pick over the bones, shall we?
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So that’s the X Factor final sorted – Danyl Johnson has gone, leaving Olly, Joe and Stacey to duke it out next week.
But, hey, at least Danyl Johnson left X Factor on Michael Jackson night. Why Michael Jackson night? Well, our guess is that Simon Cowell recently watched 2012 and realised that if he could get enough singers to spin in their graves, he’d form a kind of elaborate gyroscope effect and stop the Earth’s poles from shifting like they did in the film. He does love the environment, that Simon Cowell.
But anyway, what you’re after is an X Factor recap. Here you go, then…
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Saturday’s X Factor was quarter-final night, and Lloyd was still in it. Weird, huh? Next week’s X Factor is semi-final night.
And Lloyd won’t be in it, which is clearly either brilliant or terrible, depending on whether you’re a screechy 14-year-old girl or not. Abut anyway, Saturday’s X Factor marked the moment when the contestants started to sing two songs in each episode. That’s excellent, because it means they can show off two sides of their personality – the side that can maul ballads and the side that can maul other songs. Excellent.
Anyway, you’ll be wanting an X Factor recap, won’t you…
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Notice how the sun’s not shining quite as brightly today? Notice how everyone looks considerably more miserable today?
It’s because Jedward were kicked off X Factor last night. And Lloyd wasn’t. Honestly, people are stupid. Anyway, last night’s X Factor was George Michael night and, by and large, it was a gigantic disappointment. We were looking forward to seeing Olly doze off behind the wheel of a Range Rover and Danyl masturbate furiously inside a public lavatory. Didn’t happen. Heartbroken.
Still, at least the X Factor recap is here to cheer us up…
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Last night Jamie Archer was kicked out of X Factor, and our weekends just aren’t going to be the same ever again.
Admittedly that’s because there’s now going to be a space of two minutes during our weekends where we won’t hunt our living room for some knitting needles to jam into our ears, but still. Jamie Archer left X Factor on Queen Night which, if you didn’t know, also doubles as Deliberately Make Freddie Mercury Try To Curse Brian May From Beyond The Grave Night.
But, hey, let’s give you that X Factor recap you’ve been gasping for, eh?
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X Factor has ditched Lucie Jones. And it hasn’t ditched John And Edward. We feel dirty saying this, but we want to kiss Simon Cowell on his face.
But anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Songs From The Movies night. And, in fact, it was the first episode of X Factor where all the contestants chose to perform numbers from the same movie – a 1983 VHS home recording of a feral street cat being repeatedly punched in the testicles. Or that’s what it sounded like, at least. We might be wrong.
Anyway, you came here for an X Factor recap, so let’s give you one…
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X Factor‘s Rock Night on Saturday wasn’t very good for Rachel Adedeji, because it finally saw them get the boot from the show.
But they didn’t get the worst deal of it. No, that would be us. Because we had to watch the poxy thing. Honestly, we think ‘Rock Night’ might have been a typo – surely it was really called Cock Night or Suck Night or Let’s Transparently Try And Make Jamie Look Better Than He Actually Is Night. Yick.
Anyway, let’s have a bit of an X Factor recap, shall we?
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