Samy Naceri? Who in shit’s name is he? Well, he’s an actor who was in Taxi and Days of Glory? Okay? Just that justify him being on these pages? It shouldn’t matter really as he’s got arrested for flashing, which is hilarious.

That’s right, while dealing with autograph hunters, Samy decided to bare his arse while in Cannes, France. He was taken into custody on suspicion of “displaying an intimate part of his anatomy” in public.

Great! And this mad coot has previous! And it is way worse than dropping your trousers in public!

Before he decided to strum his naked self, Naceri was convicted of a knife attack in France. A mad stabby, mooning champ! HUZZAH!

Wait! There’s more!

He was also charged for substance abuse and sentenced to eight months’ imprisonment! And, get this, he was also penalized with a €5,000 fine for a road rage incident in which he smashed-up a car and assaulted one of its occupants.

WAIT! WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

In a swank Paris restaurant, Naceri was waiting for a chum. They were late. So, Samy did what anyone would do and attacked someone with an ashtray!

He then racially abused police officers.

He was also accused of attempted murder after stabbing a security guard. Oh, he also assaulted two guards at a medical centre where they were trying to get him through an overdose.

Charlie Sheen. The ball is in your court.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Plan B may have “conquered soul music” (AAARRRRGH) and is now planning to conquer reggae with his new LP (AAAAARGH! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!), but he hasn’t always been the post-millennia answer to Brian Harvey.

No, once upon a time, he was scrotey drug dealer who thought it was okay to stab people.

Not our words folks, rather, Plan B, a man who has a career solely because Amy Winehouse failed to make a follow-up record to ‘Back To Black’.

Originally, Plan B was just another R’n'B singer, pulling off Lee Ryan warbles and passing himself off as a mini Wu affiliate. Which means that he dealt drugs a bit before his music career took off. This, naturally, means that he’s ‘keeping it real’. Not like those posh kids Adele and Jessie J who went to Brit School.

Talking to a newspaper you haven’t read, the crooner said that he dealt weed before he recorded his awful ‘Who Needs Actions When You Got Words’ album.

He also talked about stabbing people. Not actually stabbing people, just talking about stabbing people.

“I already knew I wanted to do music but I had this other side to me that said if anyone fucks with me it’s OK to go and stab them.

“I did something illegal because I was on the dole. I didn’t sell hard drugs. I just sold spliff and I feel the same way about that as I did then. I think a bit of weed is fine and it is no different to alcohol.”

Of course, we can attribute this ‘troubled’ view on the world down to the fact he came from a broken home, mainly because it slots neatly into everyone’s preconceived notions of those who grew up in a ‘broken home’ and create hip-hop.

Talking about his dad who walked out on him (presumably after hearing the youngster singing), he said:

“He denies everything – all our memories of him, anything negative. He said it’s just distorted versions of the truth my mother implanted in my head.

“I’m a grown man and the guy was coming to my house talking to me like I was six years old, telling me not to swear. I’m like, ‘You’re lucky I didn’t smash your fucking face in’.

“He wasn’t in my life and it was his decision. Now he’s not in my life and it’s my decision. Finally, I got what I wanted – closure.”

And we’ll be getting closure on Plan in the year 2012, when we see his reggae album in the bargain bin at the local record shop.

(That ‘She Said’ was kinda catchy though wasn’t it?)

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Noel Gallagher isn't so much the voice of youth these day as the voice of weirdly arrested lad-dad Tim Lovejoy clones who refuse to accept that it isn't still 1996.

Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful – in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.

He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).

When you're the principle songwriter in a band like Oasis, there are only a few rules you need to live your life by. One is that the words 'fly', 'high' and 'sky' rhyme, another is that there's money in playing 15-year-old songs to arenas full of balding nostalgia-craving thirtysomething men who still consider Jo Guest to be the epitome of style and glamour night after night, and the third is that young people should be feared.

Just a few weeks after Noel Gallagher famously said that Jay-Z would be a disaster for Glastonbury because his music's all bang bang bang and he's not a proper musician because he doesn't have any songs about magical pies – we're paraphrasing – he's decided to take the time to speak out about the rising tide of knife crime.

While picking up a Silver Clef music award recently, Noel decided to launch into an angry tirade about all the stabbing that's been going on in London recently with all the reasoned arguments you'd expect from a millionaire rockstar with a history of prolific drug abuse. BBC News reports:

"In my day, status was trying to be somebody, do you know what I mean, not trying to kill somebody?… I don't even know what Cameron or Gordon Brown are going to do about it… People say it's through violent video games and I guess that's got something to do with it. If kids are sitting up all night smoking super skunk and they come so desensitised to crime because they're playing these video games, it's really, really scary."

We can see Noel Gallagher's point here – we recently spent about an hour and a half playing Super Mario Galaxy before going out and stabbing a nun in her neck for nothing more than shits and giggles. These sick video games should be banned, because everyone knows that the world's first recorded crime happened six hours after Pong was released.

Anyway, we shouldn't pick on Noel Gallagher too much for becoming a youth-fearing old fogey – he's not the only celebrity to speak out about Broken Britain lately. No, Noel Edmonds has also been at it. So that's the man who wrote Cigarettes And Alcohol and the beardy git from Deal Or No Deal – perhaps they should team up and become a crack vigilante duo, putting an end to street crime with nothing more than prematurely old grumbling and bizarre facial hair.

Besides, we're probably missing the main point of this story here. Noel Gallagher still wins awards? Weird.