So here’s the good news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of one the most annoying characters in years.

Now here’s the bad news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of any more conflict and therefore any more interest and therefore any more point of watching Big Brother. No, wait, not having to watch Big Brother is good news, not bad news. It’s a win-win. This calls for cocktails.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – Now this is a shock. Apparently Marcus – the man in his thirties who still lives with his mother and obsesses over Wolverine so much that he’s done everything in his power to physically resemble him – might be a little odd. Who saw that coming?In fact, Marcus is so odd that around 50% of Friday’s Big Brother consisted of nothing but him ranting directly at the camera in the diary doom. To be fair it was an excellent rant – the jist of it was that he’d threatened Sree, Big Brother gave him a warning for threatening Sree, and then he started threatening Big Brother as floridly as he possibly could. However, it did leave Marcus looking dangerously unhinged, not least because his first words after leaving the diary room were “NAH MY TEA’S GORN FACKING COLD YOU WANKAHS!” which he bellowed into the heavens like an actual war cry. We think we can safely state that Marcus won’t be evicted from Big Brother any time soon. That’s not because the viewers will side with his demented anti-PC stance, but because we assume that Marcus will be kicked out of Big Brother for attacking one of his fellow housemates with a bo staff he’s made out of a broomstick within the week.

Rodrigo - What’s the golden rule of Big Brother? It’s that you can only win if you’ve been through an emotional journey during the show’s duration. This is the precise reason why Rodrigo will never win Big Brother. He hasn’t been on anything approaching an emotional journey for the simple reason that he lives in a bubble. Admittedly it’s a bubble that’s full of puppydogs and rainbows and unicorns and moonbeams, which makes Rodrigo a fairly endearing Big Brother housemate, but it still makes for a fairly one-dimensional viewing experience. We suppose that the nearest comparable Big Brother housemate to Rodrigo is Glyn from a few years ago. He was an innocent as well, but at least he went on a journey. We’ve forgotten what that journey involved – we have a feeling it had something to do with him not being able to cook eggs and then learning how to cook eggs – but it was still more than Rodrigo has managed. What’s our point? We’ve forgotten that too, actually. We think it was that Rodrigo needs to cook more eggs. Yes, that was definitely it.

Siavash – Without question, Siavash has turned out to be the most disappoint housemate of this year’s Big Brother. Why? Well, look at him for starters – Siavash dresses like a Jesus bear with a disturbing fascination for the 1980 musical The Apple. That alone should make him the biggest cock in the Big Brother house. No, the biggest cock in the country. No, the biggest cock in the world. No, the biggest cock in the universe. Siavash should be the biggest cock in the universe. But he’s not. He’s sort of nice and well-rounded and down-to-Earth. And that, friends, is boring. It’s like buying a porno mag and opening it to discover that it’s really a Haynes manual for a 1976 Austin Allegro. Oh well, at least Siavash did give us all glimpses of cockishness early on, by drawing on his bottom and beatboxing perpetually, but they all vanished when Cairon was evicted. It’s enough, though. He’s shown that the cockery isn’t entirely latent. Fingers crossed that it’ll rear up in the next few weeks and we can get round to properly thinking that he’s a tit.

Later this week: the Big Brother eviction nominees.

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Another week, another set of Big Brother eviction nominations. Ho hum.

Incidentally, does anyone else think that we’re due some fresh blood in the Big Brother house? We’re 29 days into the show already, and the most exciting thing to have happened was when Noirin drew on her own face. This is easily the dullest Big Brother on record, and the best way to liven it up would be to introduce a new housemate. Or a flesh-eating virus. Actually, let’s go with the virus.

Tomorrow will see the Big Brother eviction of either Sree or Halfwit. Let’s take a closer look…

Halfwit – We’ll say one thing for the Big Brother housemates this year. They may not agree on everything. They may not be able to do anything without coming off like a band of clueless dickfaces. In the case of Rodrigo they may not be able to speak out loud ever. But they are determined to get Halfwit out. This is the fourth consecutive week that Halfwit has been nominated for eviction, and it’s probably going to be his fourth consecutive survival. And it’s suddenly become quite enthralling to watch. It’s hard to tell what’s going to break first – the housemates’ gross inability to realise that Halfwit is quite popular with the public, or Halfwit’s psyche. Let’s make this as clear as we absolutely can – we want Halfwit to stay in the Big Brother house. Because that way he’ll be nominated again next week. And then again the week after. And then again the week after that. And then he’ll snap, stab someone in the throat with a pair of kitchen scissors and get lugged off to an institute for the criminally insane for the rest of his life. And isn’t that exactly what Big Brother has been missing all these years?

Sree - It’s a surprise to see that Sree has been nominated for eviction this week. But that’s only because, in a just and fair world, Sree would have been evicted from Big Brother long, long ago. Each year there’s always a housemate who behaves so awfully thanks to their absolute lack of social skills that they end up getting prematurely bullied out of the house. This year that should have been Sree. His treatment of Noirin has bordered on full-on stalking, he’s had inexplicable blow-up after inexplicable blow-up at several of the other housemates and, worst of all, he died his hair orange. Literally orange. What kind of idiot would willingly dye their hair orange, for crying out loud? An untrustworthy idiot, that’s who. Still, there’s no point getting into this too much – Sree is up against Invincible Halfwit and so his eviction is all but guaranteed tomorrow. Tenner says he cries.

Next week – the whole sorry cycle, all over again.

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Big Brother can be odd. This time last week we were peeved because there was a Sophie, a Sophia and an Saffia in the house.

But now? Now Sophia has been evicted for being the world’s most awful munchkin, Saffia has walked – presumably to hunt for her long-lost personality – and Sophie’s been renamed Dogface. It almost makes us wish that all the other Big Brother housemates were called variations on the name Sophie too, because then they’d all leave at once and we’d be happy again.

Anyway, here are the awful sods who’ve caught our eye on Big Brother this week…

Sree - So far during this series of Big Brother, Sree has emerged as The Sensitive One. And by sensitive we mean SENSITIVE. Say you were carrying a tub of vegetable oil naked through your garden one summer morning, and you slipped on the lawn, covered yourself in the oil and knocked yourself unconscious. And say the sun was so bright that you developed the worst case of full body sunburn mankind had ever seen. And then say you were woken up by your evil neighbour bombarding your red-raw, blistered body with millions of paintball pellets filled with concentrated vinegar. That’s how sensitive Sree has been in the Big Brother house – sensitive enough to whine and moan and complain and yap about every single tiny thing that happens to him. We couldn’t say whether or not Sree will be nominated for Big Brother eviction this week, but we can state fairly confidently that if he’s still a Big Brother housemate by around week seven he’s probably going to snap and end up stabbing everyone else with a kitchen knife while screaming “WHO’S THE BOSS NOW? WHO’S THE BOSS NOW?” Just a hunch.

Cairon – Cairon says that he’s black, and he says that he’s from America – but has anyone actually checked? Because it sort of strikes us that he behaves like a white chap from, say, Berkshire who just tries really really hard to appear black and American, basing his impersonation solely on what he read in a copy of The Daily Mail from 1994 that his parents had been using as carpet underlay. Get Cairon angry and he’ll stalk around the Big Brother garden cussing everyone else out using nothing but the words that Radio 1 edits out of hip-hop songs in the daytime. Plus he does beatboxing, for crying out loud – something that’s only every done by gangly European Caucasians and geeky-looking Asian girls. YouTube it. We’re telling the truth here. Plus we’re sure that we heard Cairon call somebody ‘homie’ the other day. Black people don’t say that. Fred Durst says that. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this, really they do.

Kris - Kris isn’t your average Big Brother heartthrob – he doesn’t look like he spends 90 minutes each morning GHDing his eyelashes, for starters – but pickings is thin this year, so even though he looks like a one-man bring-your-own-clown-wig Jethro Tull appreciation convention, it looks like Kris is the boy totty of 2009. And, christ, doesn’t he bloody know it. We’re just over a week into Big Brother and already Kris has zeroed in on the housemate with the biggest knockers and started trying to ram his tongue into her mouth at any opportunity. And, bewilderingly, she’s let him. That’s right, Kris and Dogface – we may start calling them Krogface before too long – are in the middle of this year’s first Big Brother romance. And with an eternity remaining before the series is over, does that mean we’ll get to see any Big Brother sex? The answer is – who cares? Thanks to the internet we already know exactly what Dogface looks like naked, so to realistically replicate any Kris/ Dogface sex, all we’d need to do was print off one of her pictures and then roll a fistful of arse-pubes around on top of it for a couple of minutes in a self-regarding and ultimately disappointing way. Which we’ve done, by the way, and it was rubbish.

Later this week – the Big Brother housemates nominated for eviction. And stuff.

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby‘s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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