Hello. You’ve landed on the hecklerspray Super Bowl 2012 liveblog. Here, you’ll find a limey’s confused view on proceedings, complete with drunken ribaldry, American snack reviews, arrogance, a willful disregard for spelling and enough lame jokes to fill the average American’s cavernous gut. It’ll be great. Abuse and pedantry always welcome.

Women! When you’ve stopped complaining about the negative, overtly sexual images of women in media, which breed an unrealistic body-ideal in young girls, we’d like to point you in the direction of David Beckham in his underpants.

See, ol’ GoldenNads has done a photoshoot for some undercrackers he’s flogging through dreary clothing bazaar, H&M.

A number of women have stopped worrying about the patriarchy long enough to admire Beckham’s bulge and sigh with feint arousal everytime they see it. So what does David have to say about it? Well, it doesn’t involve stuffing but it does involve his daughter.

While womenfolk rail against the appearance of naked girls in print, they simultaneously objectify men like there ain’t a thing to it. The gays of the world objectify everything because they’re brilliant at it and make no apology about it.

For straighty woman though, there’s this confusion over whether or not its okay to lust after a half-naked human. The selling of female flesh by the pound is bad, but musing on whether Becks’ stuffs his package is completely fine.

And on that score, Beckham has proudly proclaimed that he has never stuffed his pants to make his manhood look bigger.

Referring to comedian James Corden – who parodied him in a shoot, who admitted to stuffing socks in the underwear – David said:

“I’ve never, ever done a James and padded out my pants, or shoved socks down there though. I’ve never had to for any of the photoshoots I’ve done because, hopefully, I don’t need to. Well, let’s just say I’ve been told I don’t need any help in that department. I think I’m pretty OK!”

Of course, there’ll be women dribbling down their blouses at the thought of a massive schlong hiding behind those briefs. However, if you have half a brain, you’ll note that, in Beckham’s shots, his gruds appear to be filled with 90% balls. Does that mean Beckham has a genital region that looks like a jug spout grafted onto a hot-air balloon?

Either way, ol’ Davey B wasn’t finished talking about underwear. He’s quite the raconteur you know?

“Victoria loves me in long johns. I like wearing the normal, short briefs but she reckons she likes me better wearing the long johns! She makes me wear them around the house. But that’s OK because they’re comfortable and keep you warm.”

Frost/Nixon, eat your heart out.

And still he wasn’t finished! No, he wanted to talk about the fact that his daughter should be thoroughly ashamed of the naked human body. Talking about how he used to walk around his house naked, he said:

“My naked days are over. I definitely walk around the house in my underwear. But not naked. With the boys it’s not a problem because they’re naked all the time but with a little girl now, it is different.”

There you go. Instill that little girl with a sense of shame from the off Dave! Go you! Still, at least she’ll grow up thinking that the human body is something to be hidden, unless you’re displaying your ballbag to the world in a series of lucrative advertisements, eh?

Remember when Janet Jackson invented the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl? That was good wasn’t it? In the old days, it was just called ‘flashing’ or ‘exposing yourself’, which is clearly what happened, but Janet’s people had to pretend it was an accident.

Well, people are a little nervous of a nipple being shown at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, mainly because no-one in their right mind wants to see Madonna’s rock-hard gym-sculpted banger on view, all sinew and veins.

And mercifully, she’s promised that this won’t be happening.

Madonna says that all efforts have been made to ensure that she won’t be exposing a nork to the biggest television audience in the world.

Lucky really because, it hasn’t escaped our attention that she’s slowly turning into Iggy Pop with each passing year.

“Great attention to detail has been paid to my wardrobe, there will be no wardrobe malfunction – I promise”.

There’s a lot riding on this for Madge and she admits that she’s feeling the pressure of performing at the Super Bowl. And it really is a gigantic audience. Last year’s Super Bowl bagged itself 111 million in the US.

“This is a Midwesterner girls dream to be performing at the Super Bowl half-time show”

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-orientated or freaked out.”

And here’s a preview of Madonna’s new video for her new single, ‘Give Me Your Luvin” which features American Footballers and stuff!

Super Bowl Sunday is nearly upon us, leaving 99.9% of the Great British public absolutely nonplussed. The remaining 1% is made entirely of 3 super fans and a host of the curious. Still, that shouldn’t stop us looking at it.

See, the Super Bowl is one of the most peculiar events on the planet. It’s probably the biggest sporting event that is honest enough to let-on that, basically, the game itself is the least important element of it.

And there’s so much else to pick at. The commercials are a big talking point, not to mention the halftime show (this year, featuring Madonna). One of the best things about American events is the need to sing the awful and saccharine National Anthem. With that, we are going to look at some of the worst renditions of the Star Spangled Banner, EVER.

There’s a long, long history of people ballsing up the American national anthem, with some more notable than others. With Kelly Clarkson performing the 2012 Super Bowl anthem, we can only hope she accidentally shouts “BIN LADEN!” or something during the middle of it.

Mainly because we like furore in all forms.

Anyway, let us look at the worst national anthems. We’ve invariably missed your favourite, so you should leave a comment with a link to your most loved car-crash.

Here’s ours.

Michael Bolton

Check out the massive error and resulting gun-fingers! Not to mention the odd delay which makes Michael Bolton sound like he’s singing from inside a robot’s wang. LOVELY!

Steven Tyler

Check out what he changes the last words to. What a gargantuan penis.

BEST NATIONAL ANTHEM BALLS UP EVER

The poor lass singing at what appears to be a Canadian hockey match (so why the USA anthem?) repeatedly forgets the words, goes to get a print-out of them and then falls flat on her backside. Amazing.

Christina Aguilera

Xtina’s famous flub which only works if you know the words to the American anthem.

Marvin Gaye

Hey! You know what the Star Spangled Banner has always been missing? Some cocaine fueled sex vibes!

Roseanne Barr

Roseanne can’t sing. She didn’t let that stop her. Few got the joke.

Carl Lewis

Carl Lewis is one of the most gifted athletes ever. Alas, when it comes to singing, he’s more like Wesley Willis. He chickens out on a big note after making one of the most ghastly noises on the planet, prior.

And finally…

Whitney Houston

Okay. If you want to knock it out of the park, then Whitney back in ’91 gives everyone an absolute masterclass in pomp and circumstance. THIS is how you tart up an anthem!

You may think the Super Bowl is all about a sporting event, but you’re wrong. It’s all about television and, specifically, the adverts that litter the game. American Football is the perfect sport for the advertising exec.

Why?

Well, not only is America filled with vain, greedy sporting superstars who are willing to shill to the highest bidder, but American Football is also filled with stop/start action and, for every stop, there’s a chance for a television advert. To many, the commercials are the whole reason for tuning in. IMAGINE! Anyway, if you can’t be bother with all that sport cluttering up a perfectly good break, here’s the ten best Super Bowl big game commercials.

It’s worth pointing out that, 2012 is a weird Super Bowl year. Away from the game, this year sees most of the big match commercials being put online prior to the game, which kinda takes out the surprise element which made the ads worth tuning in for.

Either way, they’re a talking point again, which will be good news to dead-hearted advertisers, who have all spent gigantic amounts of money for their precious 30 seconds of airtime.

Of course, if you live in the UK, you won’t see any of these because the Super Bowl is shown on the BBC, which doesn’t have commercials, so expect near endless punditry.

Anyway, here’s the ten best commercials.

The Seinfeld One

The One With Curtains Made From Pizza

The One Where A Woman Assaults A Man

The Star Wars One

The Awful Ferris Bueller One

The David Beckham In His Underpants One

The One Where The Bloke Nearly Dies

The One With The Man Who Has A Singing Shoulder

The One With A Vampire Party

The One With A Car Full Of Dogs

Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”. 

The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.

Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here’s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.

10. Marcus Allen shreds the Washington Redskins defence (Super Bowl XVIII)

If you’re a fan of the Redskins, this’ll hurt. Watching the then defending Super Bowl champions get smothered by Tom Flores’ Los Angeles Raiders, is painful, watching Marcus Allen make patsies of the ‘skins defence is excruciating. Redskins fans are still waiting for the day that they watch this replay and, magically, Darrell Green catches Allen. One day.

9. Montana to Taylor (Super Bowl XXIII)

Super Bowl XXIII was one of those rare Super Bowls that wasn’t a total crock, it featured a cagey first half with the teams trading field goals and brutal injuries (a broken ankle for the Niners, a shattered leg for the Bengals), but it was Stanford Jennings kick-off return for a touchdown for the Bengals that lit the touch paper on this classic. Eventually it was Joe Cool and the 49ers that prevailed with a 92 yard drive culminating in the game winning touchdown to John Taylor to capture the Niners first Super Bowl for 4 years.

8. Roethlisberger to Holmes/Rambling Madman (Super Bowl XLIII)

Fuck the Steelers. The current Pittsburgh team is home to two of the most unlikeable players in NFL history. First, there’s Ben Roethlisberger who was a botched police report away from a rape charge (that’s 3 he’s dodged now if you’re keeping count) and homophobic idiot James Harrison. Begrudgingly these two plays are very good, Roethlisberger threads the ball between three cardinals defenders to Holmes who makes a balletic catch whilst falling out of bounds to win the game; and perhaps most impressively, Harrison intercepts Kurt Warner at the goal line and returns it 100 yards for the score, everybody likes to watch fat people running so this was like poetry in motion.

7. Wide Right (Super Bowl XXV)

The Buffalo Bills of the late 80s/early 90s were a joy to behold; with Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas running the high octane “K-Gun” offense and hall of fame quarterback destroyer Bruce Smith powering the defence. They marched to an improbable 4 straight Super Bowls, and more improbably, lost them all. The first was the most heart breaking of all with Scott Norwood’s last minute 47 yard field goal sailing wide right sealing a 20-19 victory for the New York Giants, the closest margin of victory in any Super Bowl.

6. Redemption For New Orleans (Super Bowl XLIV)

When hurricane Katrina battered the city of New Orleans in 2005 the super dome became a shelter for hundreds of homeless. In the aftermath the city felt let down by the federal government and the Saints themselves had to play in San Antonio for the 2005 season, when they returned to the super dome in 2006 the city took on the team as a beacon of hope for renewal, it was the start of a drive of city and team that culminated with a win in Super Bowl XLIV

5. Doug Williams Vs. The Broncos (Super Bowl XXII)

When the John Elway-led Denver Broncos took a 10-0 lead at the end of the first quarter with Washington quarterback Doug Williams injured on the side-lines, things looked grim for the ‘skins; no team had ever overcome more than a 10 point margin, but when Williams returned for the ‘skins first drive of the second quarter, the game was turned on its head. Williams threw touchdowns to Gary Clark, Clint Didier and two to Ricky Sanders to blow the Bronocos out the game and become the first (and so far only) African-American quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

4. The Tackle (Super Bowl XXXIV)

The ’99 St. Louis Rams have gone down in history as one of the most explosive, high powered offensives in NFL History. The so-called ‘Greatest Show on Turf’ could outscore anyone with the quadruple threat of QB Kurt Warner (that season’s league MVP), RB Marshall Faulk and WR’s Isaac Bruce & Torry Holt, but it was a defensive play that was required to overcome the Steve McNair led Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV. The image of Kevin Dyson with ball outstretched failing to reach the end zone is one of the most iconic in Super Bowl history, with the tackler, Mike Jones, whose career was otherwise undistinguished would go down as the NFL equivalent of a ‘one hit wonder’

3. 70 Chip (Super Bowl XVII)

John Riggins is a folk legend. A beast of a running back, ‘The Diesel’ smashed through defences for 14 years on his way to the Hall of Fame, but that was all secondary with Riggo, ‘cos he’s one of the greatest characters the game has ever spit out.

No other player has ever told supreme court justice Sandra Day O’Conner to “lighten up Sandy baby”, Or decided to sit out a year to go fishing and hunting. But it was his 43 yard run into super bowl history that was his finest moment. Facing 4th and 1 at the Miami 43, Joe Gibbs called I-Right 70 Chip, Riggins took the hand-off, made the edge and swotted away Don McNeal who desperately grasped for Riggins jersey in vain. The Dolphins learned that once cranked up, you couldn’t stop The Diesel.

2. The Guarantee (Super Bowl III)

When the two rival leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League agreed to play a season end championship game starting in ’67, no-one gave the upstart AFL a chance against the big boy NFL, and the first two super bowls were NFL victories, Super Bowl III pitted the NFL’s Baltimore Colts against the AFL’s New York Jets. New York, led by ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath had ideas on an upset. The cocksure, fashionable playboy Namath went one step further, proclaiming “We’re gonna win the game. I guarantee it”, the world scoffed, but after time expired it was Namath and the Jets who had the last laugh, defeating the Colts 16-7, and the image of Namath walking off the field wagging his finger is no doubt the most indelible image from any super bowl

1. ‘The Catch’ (Super Bowl XLII)

Super Bowl XLII was meant to be a capper on a perfect season for the New England Patriots, they had simply smashed every single opponent on route to an unprecedented 18-0 record (the only undefeated team in history the ‘72 Dolphins finished 12-0 and won’t shut the fuck up about it). Only the New York Giants and their oft criticised, always derp-faced quarterback Eli Manning stood between the ‘Pats and history. Well that’s not true, the Giants defence is what really stood between the two, sacking Ugg-shilling-Mr-Gisele-Bundchen Tom Brady 4 times and harassing him all game, still the Giants couldn’t put it together on offense, until Eli Manning got swallowed by the Pats defence, and somehow came out the other side, heaving the ball up for David Tyree to haul in with the most improbable catch ever seen, the ball seemingly velcroed to his helmet. After that it seemed fated that Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game winner.

This was a guest post by strong-arm Dan Cabble who has been enjoying unpopular culture for well over a decade now. Find him whining here.

The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay.

We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. That’s because he’s a massive slag either way.

How so? Well, what happened to you when you found out you didn’t get tickets for some stupid event at the London 2012 Olympics? You basically looked into your lap, dejectedly, and thought ‘that’s that then’. Clooney is a star though. He can slag it up in the media asking for a freebie.

See, George Clooney is desperate to attend this year’s London Olympics. So much so that he’s enthusing about the world’s third biggest sports event (after The FIFA World Cup and Summer Slam) coming to the English capital as he loves visiting soooooo much. London’s just wonderful, eh George! Best place on Earth eh?

Lying slag.

Alas, he’s not been able to get any tickets, leaving him begging for some from The Sun:

“I think it’s fantastic that the Olympics are coming to London. I think you should always try to take politics out of sport and the London bid did that.”

“Track and field is something that I really want to come back and see if I can get some tickets. I’m a big fan of London. There are only a handful of great cities in the world and it’s one of them.”

Only an American tourist could ever call London a ‘great city’.

He’s obviously never been on a night bus with a drunk lunatic or had to endure actual London residence, with their inflated sense of worth and B.O. brought on by scurrying around the Tube like rodents.

The Super Bowl halftime show is a very, very prestigious gig. Some of music’s biggest stars have done a turn there. Prince. Paul McCartney. Bruce Springsteen. Er… Black Eyed Peas. In defence of the latter, they were awful and suicide rates went up six-hundredfold when they played.

Wait. That’s no defence. Did someone say defence? DE-FENCE! DE-FENCE! DE-FENCE!

Anyway, to make amends for the urine crotched BEPs, the organisers of the greatest commercial break on television have decided to announce that Madonna will be doing the halftime show at the Super Bowl XLVI halftime show on Feb. 5 in Indianapolis. Let those football tossing guys really see what a masculine, ripped Body Of David really looks like, eh?

Of course, the 653-year-old Material Girl will have other things to promote. She doesn’t sing because she loves it, y’know?

Her romantic drama W.E. just happens to be hitting theatres two days before the game. That’s handy isn’t it? She’ll probably churn out a greatest hits set while daydreaming of all those monstrously giant athletes getting rubbed down in the locker room.

For the show, she’ll collaborate with Cirque Du Soleil and Jamie King. She may well give us all a preview of a track that will eventually appear on her new LP, slated for underwhelming released in 2012.

Just remember though, if you’re working on the Super Bowl show – don’t buy Madge the wrong flowers or she’ll get those sinewy arms of hers and throttle you before your weeping family.

AND NO CLOSE UPS.

OKAY?

Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.

Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.

Pop the corks! Roll out the bunting! Put the heating on for half an hour longer than usual! The Black Eyed Peas, the scourge of ears around the world and owners of the title of Worst Super Bowl Halftime Show EVER, are going away for a long time!

HURRAY!

Of course, we won’t get rid of them that easily. They’re like cockroaches. You stomp on ‘em and they leak eggs, ready to make more abominations.

One of the band members who isn’t Fergie or will.i.am… possibly the one that looks like the Jitsu He-Man figure, said:

“We’re going to take a little vacation and focus on our personal things.”

will.i.am threatened the world via dead-eyed Ellen DeGeneres:

“[BEP] always have two cycles of records and then we take a break.”

“When we take breaks you know, we work on side projects and get our personal stuff in order to then come back and make beautiful music”

BEAUTIFUL MUSIC? BEAUTIFUL?

A sports personality we can’t name for legal reasons (not Barry Venison, pictured right, we just like his hair) was this week seen with his similarly unnamed wife arguing in the street with the unnamed person who may or may not been his former lover of an unnamed amount of time.

The sportsman in question, a legend of the sports world with over 900 appearances for an unnamed Manchester football club, had previously taken out a superinjunction that prevented us from reporting on his other extramarital affair, with an unnamed Big Brother contestant.

He and his wife were seen to approach his unnamed sister in law in order to confront her over going to the tabloids and spilling her unnamed guys about the near decade long affair.

“I hope you got paid a lot of money, that’s 2 families you’ve ruined!”

Exclaimed the star! His wife meanwhile, simply referred to the sibling her husband had sex with as a, “whore.” How original.

Naturally we haven’t been able to report any of the really juicy details, like when the unnamed star burst into flames and threw his former mistress into the heart of the sun, ending the issue and any speculation of a possible make up 3-way.

Similarly, we probably shouldn’t have actually mentioned this unnamed incident at all, lest we find ourselves on the receiving end of some extremely boring and ill thought out legal threats.

So, dear reader, please bear in mind that we never wrote this article and you never read anything on hecklerspray about Ryan Giggs or his troublesome travelling tallywhacker.

In fact, we here in the hecklerspray bedsit are currently in the process of filing a superinjunction against ourselves.

Just so we can save you from the filth and lies that we print for your viewing pleasure.

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She might hate hydrangeas, but she sure loves people throwing stupidly shaped balls around! That’s right folks! Madonna is totally going to be the halftime distraction at the next Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLVI if you can’t count in English.

The Material Girl (we’re forced to use that description by law) will clutter up the pitch with a giant stage on February 5th in Indianapolis, which of course, is famous for a stupid car race, being almost square shaped and having virtually zero sidewalks. Stupid Indianapolis.

But at least they’ll get a massive American Football match and Madonna, eh?

Of course, this could all fall through as Madge has been rumoured to perform in two Super Bowls before (1998 and 2000) but she clearly couldn’t be bothered.

If it does go through, she’ll be joining a number of megastars who have performed on the Super Bowl pitch such as The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Janet Jackson’s nipple.

Last year, Americans witnessed the Black Eyed Peas prancing around in what was arguably the worst Super Bowl halftime ever.

EVER.

Naturally, Madonna will want to raise some eyebrows during her performances, so we suspect that she’ll take to the stage on a flaming crucifix while dry-humping a black Jesus, climaxing with the effigy of Lady GaGa getting stabbed by a hoard of gay men in PVC nappies.

That would actually be brilliant and don’t you dare pretend otherwise.

The football organization is keeping mum, with NFL spokesdude Greg Aiello (too many vowels in that surname) saying:

“We do not comment on the musical talent for the Super Bowl until we have something to announce”

Amazing words.

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Walter Pandiani might be little more than a jobbing footballer to those of you who have actually heard of him, but from this day forward, he’ll be known as that poor, poor, sweaty bugger.

He currently plays for RCD Espanyol as a striker and has played for a bunch of other teams that you don’t rightly care about.

Anyway, El Rifle should perhaps change his name to El Desodorisante after he leaked roughly nine thousand litres of sweat out of himself during a press conference. Watch over the jump and mock away.

If you don’t want to watch the video in real time, look at his shirt at the start of the video, then knock it on for one minute.

Then knock it on another minute.

Then knock it on another minute.

Repeat until you feel desperately sorry for him.

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A dominant role in society is something that everybody craves. As you’re reading this, you’ll be imagining who the head honcho is in your boring office job, group of friends or members in the AA club.

What kind of person becomes a leader? Is it the bloke who makes all sorts of hilarious wisecracks? Or that weird looking sod who never gets involved, but always offers sound advice?

But who cares about real life people when there are celebs everywhere! Are we concerned that we’ll never meet them after spending thousands of pounds on travel so we can gawp at them? Of course not. So who’s scorching hot and who’s totally not? According to InStyle the top honour has gone to someone who can’t feed herself properly. Not Paris Hilton, but Harper Seven Beckham.

According to InStyle – something we’ve never heard of, probably because we ain’t got no style – some baby is more powerful than the likes of Justin Bieber and Rihanna?

But why’s this? Surely it can’t be because Harper Seven Beckham popped out of a famous person’s vagina? It might seem unfair on everyone else, but small infant children do seem to be powerful folk. Just look at future scientologist queen Suri Cruiuse. She’ll no doubt lead an abnormal life believing that aliens came out of volcanoes or something.

So what gives about Harper Seven Beckham? Because she’s a baby the ability of walking, talking and eating solid foods will be quite a challenge.

But perhaps she’s magic in other ways. Babies have a habit of pooing everywhere, so we’re going out on a limb and believing that Victoria and David Beckham have a child that craps its demands out in its nappies.

IN SAFFRON.

Christians go mental when Jesus H Christ appears as mould on a slab of cheese, so we can only imagine that Harper Seven Beckham has enchanting and delightful dumps.

SAFFRON MADE OUT OF GOLD.

But it isn’t just one tiny tot that is making giant waves at the top of the list; a whole load of the swines took prominent positions:

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s sons Zuma, three, and Kingston Rossdale, five, took second and third place in the power rankings, while Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s five-year-old girl, Suri, was ranked fourth.

It appears that already young and hardworking celebs are taking a hammering from infants who haven’t realised they’ve been given a stupid name. Nobody knows if Harper Seven Beckham will grow up to be a lollipop lady or the women who does the sign language for TV shows late at night (what? The greatest, most hard working woman on Earth? Ed), but rest assured, she’s already considerably more powerful than you.

In fact, Harper shortly to become our now ruler, we’re going to emulate her highness and take a preemptive strike by changing our middle names to a meaningless number. Your suggestions are most welcome.

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10. Look! Bill Murray is such a dude that he uses the Tube! – SuperBill

9. Stuart The Brand Baggs takes on a cage fighter. You can guess who wins.

8. What if The Beatles were Jawas from Star Wars? – FabForce

7. The New Scientist launches a dating site. No, really. -Nerdgasm

6. Man reports that his drugs have been stolen. Can you guess what happens? – Clink

5. Spot the IT guy! It’s pretty easy if you try – GeekSpot

4. Buy someone a toy of a dog. A dog that has a beak and long birdy legs. – Dogs

3. The Amish shop at Wal-Mart too. – Hoss

2. Lots of very silly reviews on Amazon for you to snicker at. – FishPaste

1. Amazing poster alert! - Snowman

10. Some comedians are spectacularly joyless aren’t they? Here’s a tale of them not laughing at crude phalluses – Cock

9. Vijay Singh does the greatest golf shot ever… ever… EVER! IT TRAVELS ON WATER!

8. This is really rather beautiful. A Japanese girl who can fly. How wonderful – Levitate

7. Elmo goes to NASA! Look! – SesameSpace

6. Do you like the Seventies? Well, some bright spark has set up a Tumblr photoblog dedicated to it. – 70s

5. Ever wondered what Mario would look like as a girl? WONDER NO MORE! – SuperMariette

4. Like grunge, riot grrl and 90s US punk? Editor Mof has made a Spotify playlist just for you! – Grrrr

3. The Daily Mail have been stealing from people. You hate the Daily Mail don’t you? Step this way – Yoink!

2. A shooting star, as seen from above! WHOA! Space is cooool! – Fzzz

1. The Telegraph give tips for students moving to university for the first time, such as ‘pack a trunk for your antiques’. Amazing – NoIdea

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